madeoflightyears

[madeoflightyears]

i can't write

I can't write about loneliness because I have grown to be comfortable with myself.

I can't write about exhaustion because this is nothing new to me-- the endless hours of trying to be a better doctor, falling time and again from this supposed uphill climb. Spoiler: it's a roller coaster.

I can't write about the best view from a home i've ever stayed in ever because this is only temporary and I hate wishing for something that might never be mine. But oh, how I'm cherishing having this wonderful view for this short time, looking time and again at the window as I type this.

I can't write about broken dreams, about running out of time, about being delayed, about rejection, about disappointment... I've seen them all and I don't want them permanently etched in the words I create.

I can't write about how I told someone that "she is not delayed, she is just on time, we all have our own journey with our own pace" because I wish I believed what I said.

I can't write about anything now because I feel so much of everything. But I guess, I'll try.

[madeoflightyears]

keycaps

When I was a child, I really wanted one of those small portable computers for kids, way before laptops were even a thing. But, I was raised not to ask for things I didn’t need and it was really only just a toy. And so, when my father came home with a keyboard, probably a spare part from a computer set from work, I was so happy. It didn’t have any monitor or CPU and it wasn’t even a real PC… but I had a keyboard and my vast vaaast imagination!

I would pretend that I had a real computer and I would type on that wonderful keyboard for days on end. Eventually, my brother entered high school and they had to buy as a real computer but I would never forget that keyboard.

I wanted to keep this story for myself. But then, I found myself needing to explain why I wanted mechanical keyboards not just for its hype but because I wanted to bring back something that made me so happy when I was a kid. I know that I didn’t have to explain but again, I was raised not to ask for things I didn’t need and there will always be a pit of guilt in my stomach every time I bought something just because I wanted it.

Because, yes!

I finally gave in and bought my first mechanical keyboard. It was the cheapest, best deal I can get with the best sound and soft keys — my only requirement. Oh, it also has to be creamy which at cream, light green, and soft grey fits the bill perfectly.

So, here’s to my new keyboard and here’s to longform— because I have nothing to use this keyboard for other than write really long winded narratives I have learned for years to keep all in and not share because I was too busy becoming a doctor.

[madeoflightyears]

made of light years

I live for light years— the seasons that build you and the reasons you wake up for. In this tiny corner of the internet, you can find me romanticizing my daily life, anxiety-dumping in all my unhinged millennial glory— because, hey, doctors need to heal, too.

[madeoflightyears]

Nobody writes anymore

Well, nobody writes longform anymore. I’m not even sure I remember how. But as I sit here in uncertainty in my temporary home, I have nowhere else to go and pour all my feelings into other than this tiny corner of the internet.

This corner was the home of all my words, of all the workings in my heart and mind. This was a refuge when all I wanted to be at sixteen is at this very spot that I am in right now, 17 years after the fact. Despite this anxiety, I should be grateful and I should dwell in the fact that after all, as long as it’s meant for you, all dreams do come true.

So here I am, approaching an age where I thought I’d have it all figured out. But I don’t. And I’m at a point in my life where I literally don’t know where I’ll be and what my life will be like in a few months. But, I hope to God that it will be a good place.

As always, I end all blog posts in a positive note.. some things never change. No matter the darkness, no matter the sorrow. Because there is God, there is hope.