madmerrymusings

[madmerrymusings]

June 20th, 2025

I never knew I smelled like an ashtray when I was younger, but I imagine you noticed instantly. You normalized toxic pleasure like the jazz cigars you smoked at Street Rd. Preyed on me and Macy like a game you had to cheat to win. Hunted us like the deer in my backyard growing up. I guess in the end you won, because I’m here and you’re there on her couch, giggling like you didn’t groom us as children. I don’t understand how you can still be friends with someone that touched us within the walls of that church. I will never forgive him for using Macy and me against each other. He knew exactly what he was doing. I shudder at the thought of our naked bodies preserved on his phone in separate files. I imagine those are secrets she never told Zach or John. I wonder if she ever thinks about all those secrets we buried together. Has she convinced herself it was just a story and not trauma? I’m guessing not, since she still allows him in her home. I will never forgive him for stealing what he called my innocence. I will never forgive him for getting me drunk in that house in Ashland City while he and his girlfriend fucked me. They knew I was soft, pliable, already breaking before they even touched me. I often wonder what my life would be if you didn’t decode my brain. You knew, too. You always knew I would be easier to crack. More malleable for you. Always the fucked up one—and you knew that, took advantage like you couldn’t wait to watch me drown in it. Did you think my cracks would be less visible on someone already broken? I should have seen it. When you gave me an std after taking my virginity and looked me in the eye as if I had done it to you. Called me a whore, like the pain was mine to invent. You took everything that could have meant something and stained it. Your drug still works its way through my head like the playlist I made called Trauma, dedicated to your cancer. And the cruelest part? You got her. You get to laugh beside her like you didn’t crush everything I clung to just to stay alive. You won. But don’t mistake survival for silence. I remember. And I will not forget. I guess I shouldn't care you won though. I'm still lying to myself all these years later. Telling Macy happy birthday and I miss the memories we shared together when I really want to tell her I'm still mad at her for throwing our friendship away over a boy.

[madmerrymusings]

June 15th, 2025

I’m almost 30, and somehow you still show up in my dreams every single night. It’s honestly exhausting. It makes me sad to realize that Zach breaking up with me still haunts my subconscious more than a decade later. I don’t even think about him much during the day, but the second I lose consciousness, there he is again. Over and over. I wake up irritated that the past still has this kind of power over me. I don’t think it would hurt this much if I hadn’t lost my best friend in the process. That’s the part that still stings the most. The reminder that I was too much for him and somehow not enough for her. Macy was the one constant I had. And losing her while my heart was already breaking is something I hope I’ll eventually recover from. But truthfully, I’m not sure I ever will. Sometimes I think that heartbreak actually changed my brain. I was already in a vulnerable place in life—trying to fit into a community that never fully accepted me. Zach’s parents going to the elders at church after catching us kissing? That was humiliating. It made me feel like a whore. I already felt different from everyone there. My parents believed in God, but we didn’t go to church regularly. I had to take the church directory photo alone, and that moment just confirmed everything I already knew—that I didn’t belong. Not really. And of course he wanted her instead of me. She was well-rounded and put together. I was fucked up. I bet Zach’s parents were relieved when he broke up with me and started dating Macy. She didn’t smell like cigarettes. Her parents were active church members. She was smart and polished—everything I wasn’t. But the real breaking point was on that mountain in Virginia. I still think about that moment all the time. Finding out she was with Zach while I was sharing a one-person tent with her on that hiking trip shattered me. I felt like I was breaking into a thousand unfixable pieces. And she just… watched it happen. She saw every tear. She saw how deeply it was affecting me. And she still thought we could stay friends? How was I supposed to watch them be together? That trip stripped me of so much—my faith, my church community, and the last little bit of safety I had left. Her parents had been more involved in my life than my own for years, and suddenly, they were gone too. I remember them telling me I needed to just get over it. But how do you get over something that ripped the foundation out from under you? After that trip, nothing was the same. Every part of my life crumbled. And even now, all these years later, I wish I could just forget how much it all hurt. I want to be able to talk to Macy or to Zach, maybe heal some of those wounds, but I fear it’s stuck inside me and they don’t want to hear it. 

[madmerrymusings]

[madmerrymusings]

I wanna rip your lips off in my mouth

Manchester Orchestra (via paythemon)

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is there like financial aid for concert tickets

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hell yeah i’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

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I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

Jon Stewart   (via neonchills)

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We're very intellectually stimulating for one another. You give my mind a boner.

The Boyfriend.

[madmerrymusings]

💃

After two straight weeks of music festivals I'm not sure I remember the purpose of an undergarment and I'm completely okay with that.

[madmerrymusings]

It only costs $0.00 to keep it real

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someone come over so we can make pancakes and listen to manchester orchestra 

[madmerrymusings]

TBT to that time Manchester Orchestra rocked my socks off. @manchesterorchestra #manchesterorchestra #music #concert #tbt #canon #5dmkiii #vsco #saltlakecity #utah #cope #andyhull #chrisfreeman

[madmerrymusings]

Andy Prince // Kevin Devine and the goddamn band // Manchester Orchestra // @ adamchasefields