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Family Violence

Dr. Lenore Walker developed the cycle of violence theory in 1979. She studied violence in the home and came to the conclusion that physical violence is unlikely to be a once-off episode. It is more often a constant presence in the home.

She based the cycle on the similarities in peoples’ stories of violence and broke it into three phases.

It starts with tension building. The home becomes tense; people get sensitive and argumentative. Others may attempt to reason and calm them. During this phase, people may antagonise each other.

Sometimes the waiting is worse than the violence.

Then there is the explosion, during which people get hurt in any number of ways. Others will try to protect themselves.

The honeymoon phase follows the explosion. During this phase, people will do anything to make up for what happened and make many promises. Some will believe them and forgive, and be happy and hopeful again.

Until next time…

My Story

In my home growing up, phases two and three would happen while we kids were in bed. We would hear it and not see it. We would know that Mum was getting ‘a hiding’. My mum always fought back as best as she could. But he was twice her size and he always won.

It was traumatising.

By the next morning, they would have patched it up again and then life would go on as normal. We never saw them making up after the fighting. It was confusing. I didn’t know how Mum could forgive him. I also didn’t see how they reconciled. The family rules dictated that I couldn’t ask what had happened. So nobody ever spoke about it. The trauma of witnessing family violence plus the power of our family rules crippled me.

The spell wrapped itself tighter and tighter around me.

Now that I’m older I can see that there was more to it. Yes the cycle of violence happened but Mum and Dad didn’t only want to control or hurt each other. They were acting out of their own frustration at not being able to communicate. Both of them were also acting out of their own hurt; they hurt each other and they weren’t equipped to talk it out. That wasn’t what we did in those days. The rules dictated how we acted. They were acting out their own patterns of learned behaviour. I also know that alcohol lowered their inhibitions.

Waipero was present and breathing fire into both of them.

Unfortunately for me, the violence became imprinted on my brain. It became the way things are and always will be to me. I grew to expect it, and recreated it with my friends and later my ex-husband. I would push him and goad him with words until one day he hit me. That hurt was a relief. Now I knew how things worked. After that I pushed and pushed, and he turned away. We grew further and further apart until he left. I kept on recreating the patterns as the spell had taught me to. I didn’t know any better. Desperately, I was pushing everyone away while inside I was crying out to them. Even though I didn’t drink, I still used the only ‘tools’ at my disposal.

Today

Now that I've started recovery, things are very different in my own family. I am more aware of how my actions and reactions affect those around me. Knowledge of the spell and my ACoA ways have helped me. I will be forever casting off the spell, turning to my counterspell.

All of a sudden, it seems, my children are now adults and have children of their own. They are breaking their own spells and casting new ones. It is liberating to see the little ones growing in a loving healthy family. I can see that the generational spell has been forever undone when I look into their innocent eyes.

This is true of you too. Things can change for you. You can cast a counterspell. You are not six any more; your eyes are opening. How things are today are not how they were when you were a child. You are an adult now, you can take responsibility for yourself. With this in mind, maybe you need to do an update? Was your daddy a pushover and easy to manipulate? Do you still do that to others? Did you need to look after your mother after she had had a beating? Are you forever in caretaker mode looking after everyone, whether they want it or not? Is it possible that your sister’s partner reminds you in some way of Uncle Donovan? The uncle who lived with your family and hit you or touched you when no one was looking?

Warning

If you think you have PTSD please go and talk to someone about it. There are many places to get help. You don't have to go through this alone. Here is a great PTSD coach, which does not replace therapy but can be used in combination with therapy. There is also an app available called PTSD Coach. You can download it on iTunes and Google Play.

Your past

No-one is solitary. You may be alone at the moment, but it hasn’t always been this way.

For you to have been born, there must have been some sort of union between two people. It doesn’t matter where your conception took place; in a marital bed, in a car, or at a nightclub. Even if your conception took place in a lab, there was genetic material from two people involved.

Psychodrama calls this social presence in your early life your ‘social atom’. You have parents, whether you see them or not. The absent parent is still part of your social atom. You may have siblings or step-siblings. You may have other family members or neighbours that are part of your circle. They may or may not have known about the abuse and addiction in your life.

Here's a way to illustrate your own social atom. You can use toys, rocks, leaves, socks or whatever you like to depict it. Choose an object to be you. Then choose objects to represent the people in your early life. You can place them close to you or far away, depending on how close you feel to them now. You can place them turned away or facing towards you. Place them in relation to each other. Use size, colour and texture to bring the different people to life. It's especially important to be thoughtful about this.

Secondly, draw your social atom onto a sheet of paper using symbols. Use lines to show the relationships between them and you. Also, show the relationships between each other. Now you can make meaning of the relationships in some way. The relationships can be positive/positive, or negative/negative, or positive/negative. You can use plus and minus signs or colours, or whatever makes sense to you. Can you see an overall pattern? Can you see anything significant that you didn’t know before?

Your present

The drive to recreate what we know is powerful. It is familiar to us even when it is painful. For this reason, we often hear people saying things like “why do I always go for the bad boys?" or “why do I always go for people I have to look after? All my friends need constant looking after. Why do I do this?”

We've all done it. Including me. One of the reasons I married my children’s father was that he was small and feminine. So I knew that he couldn’t physically hurt me much. We recreate the patterns we learned at home. We may not even know it, or we may do it on purpose. Even choosing someone opposite to your father is still basing your choice on him. You may choose someone that doesn’t drink, only to find that they are indifferent to you. Just like Mum.

Your future

Knowledge is the first step to change. If you would like to go a little further in this exercise I can coach you through it. Or you can buy the e-book which has the next step in it. See below for details.

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Family Hero

All people in any group have a certain role to make the group function better. There will be the organiser, the clown, the 'mum' or the rebel. Surprisingly, the family is no different. Everyone has their place. In a family with no addiction, children are free to change the role if it's not working for them. So, a clown may suddenly work hard or a good child (the family hero) may become hard to manage.

In a family with addiction, however, children are not free to change the roles they take on. There is immense pressure to keep the status quo. Whenever one person changes, the whole family will have to change and there is no room for this as the addiction needs to be kept safe.

If you would like to know more about dysfunctional family roles, click here and then come back and learn more about yourself.

It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's the family hero!

If you are a family hero you look after everyone. It's your job to make things better for everyone. Every. Single. One. So you became the perfect child in the family and you make it look like there's no addiction or dysfunction. You got good grades. You played a sport well. As a child, you were responsible, hard-working and dependable.

As a result, you don't seem to bear any scars from your upbringing at all. You work hard, you have a nice home and a family of your own. Being laser-focused and successful, you are a leader and loyal to the last drop. You are a survivor and you are powerful and organised. Others look up to you. You kept the family going. In a word, you are a Hero.

At home and work, you call the shots. Because you know how to look after everyone and Get Things Done. Heroes are often professionals, doctors or leaders in business. There is calm confidence about you that says "I know what to do, just listen to me and we'll be ok". Money is managed well and there are high expectations of everyone.

No surprises thank you

Because homelife was often out of control, you developed a way of dealing with it. You tried to control everything so there are no surprises. The Hero is all about control. Therefore, emotions are your Achilles heel.

They baffle you as you cannot control them. People are confusing too - you can't control them either. You can be inflexible and have unreasonable expectations because of your fear of failure.

For the same reason, you fear intimacy. Being overly driven, you are unable to play and have unreasonable expectations.

A fierce need for approval drives Heroes. You hide your deep feelings of inadequacy well. You feel that nothing you ever do is good enough. However, underneath the veneer of control and success, you are full of loneliness, shame, inadequacy, guilt, anger, confusion, and hurt.

During childhood and adolescence, you became a high achiever but low feeler. An overdeveloped focus on performance costs you your focus on emotion. You are a perfectionist with an all or nothing approach to projects.

It is imperative to always do the right thing. You are perceptive, helpful and independent.

The hard work of being a Hero

As adults, Heroes take on even more leadership roles. However, you tie your self-worth to your accomplishments. You may be a Type-A person and suffer from stress-related disorders. Your expectations of yourself and others are unrealistic and you tend towards workaholism and burnout. Yet others’ approval motivates your every action so you are trapped in the cycle of working harder and harder.

You are never wrong, you cannot be. Being wrong is a luxury for others, not you. You may be too serious and rigid to enjoy yourself or let others enjoy themselves.

Later in life, you may develop a chemical dependency. You may even have a tendency toward attempted suicide or actual suicide.

It becomes all too hard.

Heroes have needs too

If you are a Family Hero, you have to realise that you have needs too. Pick one statement from this list and say it to yourself in the mirror. This is a four-step process: When the objections come, say them out loud and say "yes and "...

"I can chill out"

Straightaway, here is the objection in your mind from your inner critic - "no you can't - what about your to-do list?"

You then counter it out loud with "Yes and I can chill out, I can prioritise my list and do the urgent ones"

Repeat until the voices in your head stop talking.

If this sounds unworkable, take note that this role is very strong in you and it's ok to take it slowly. Just do it anyway, even if you feel like you are faking it.

I can chill out

It’s ok to make mistakes

Everyone makes mistakes

I have choices

Taking risks is something that I can do

I can play and relax

I can be vulnerable and accept myself

Expressing my feelings is life-giving

I can listen to others and trust them

It's ok if others succeed and I can take satisfaction in their achievements

I am responsible for having my own needs

I cannot meet everyone's needs

Life is not so serious, I can learn to play and not take myself and others so seriously

I can give up the compulsion to be perfect

Approval from authority figures is something I can live without

I am ok because of who I am, not what I do

[magical-path-of-acoa-recovery]

Yes dear

Today we are examining the Codependent Compliance Patterns. To know more about the other types of codependent patterns click here.

Sam was continually being passed over for promotions because she was too nice. Sam hated confrontation, would do anything to avoid making people unhappy with her. She would find herself agreeing with things she didn't really agree with to keep the peace. Her wife was pressuring her to do better at work. But she felt she wasn't strong enough to be a leader.

Being nice to people isn't a problem in itself. The real problem is what is driving the need to be nice all the time.

In Sam's case, it was the need to stay safe and not be rejected. By anyone.

What is driving your need to be nice and compliant all the time?

Is it safety? Or the need to be accepted by everyone?

Do any of these statements ring true for you? They have come from Codependants Anonymous who have kindly given me permission to use them.

I am extremely loyal and I stay in harmful situations too long.

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.

I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.

I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.

I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.

I accept sexual attention when I want love.

I make decisions without regard to the consequences.

I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Sam's problems came to a head when her wife pressured her to come and see me. Sam was only coming to keep the peace. She loved her wife and didn't want her to leave. Her last two relationships had ended with the other cheating on her. That was way too painful and Sam didn't want it to happen again.

I totally got where she was coming from. In fact, I know all about being compliant. I found myself one day with a group of women, verbally ripping another woman to shreds just to fit in. She didn't deserve that and I felt bad about it but I needed to fit in.

Superficial Relationships

The biggest problem with compliance is not only that people walk all over you because you won't say no.

It's not even that you say yes when you want to say no so don't honour or even know yourself.

Or that people get impatient with you because you dither around.

The biggest problem with compliance is that people can't trust you. Once they figure out that you don't say what you mean, they feel betrayed. They can't get close to you because you hide from them.

You are alone. Always. You hide even from yourself. Your relationships are superficial, with not much substance. Your relationship with yourself is even worse.

Picture yourself alone in the dark, scared. Who is going to comfort you, give you strength? No-one.

We can change that though.

We can use the magic of concretisation to show us how to support ourselves. We can make things real and concrete. Not just abstract ideas or feelings. Once we do that and realise we are not alone in this world we can have the courage to make decisions.

We can have the courage to say NO when we want to.

You can have the courage to put your own needs and interests first. Without feeling selfish and like a jerk.

You have rights, you are a person too.

How to be more assertive

There are three steps to this magic.

Firstly, we are going to remember a time when we gave in to someone else when we knew we shouldn't have. More than just remember it, we are going to be totally immersed in it. We are going there.

Secondly, we are going to bring in a strong decisive person to help strengthen us.

Finally, we are going to channel that strong person to have a different end to the situation.

Ready? Let's go.

Go and get at least three little objects. Toys, paperclips, coasters, jewellery, tools or whatever you can get your hands on.

Using your objects, lay a scene where this happened out on the floor, or the table or whatever. One of the objects is you and another one is the other person that is also in the scene. I'll tell you what to do with the last one shortly.

Scene One

Act out the scene. Get into it, go nuts, really live it. Make sure you are both people. Ham it up. Take as long as you need to.

For example, my scene was when I was in the group of women verbally tearing someone else to shreds. So my objects represent me and the group. I'm cringing as I write this, I was such a bitch about her.

A word of warning. This is powerful stuff and be aware if you need to stop and take a breather. It's ok if you have to stop, you haven't failed, you can try again another day. Or with someone to be there with you.

Scene Two

The strong decisive you or the person you admire now comes on the scene.

Start Scene One again and this time when you get to the part where you need help - the other person will help you. Add them to the scene. The strong person is either standing in front of you or beside you or wherever you feel they can strengthen you from.

The strong person will then talk directly to you and say something to let you know that you've got this. You can have a little chat and tell them why you can't say no or yes or whatever the problem is. They will tell you what you need.

Back to my example. My strong person is Brene Brown. She is a great example of a strong woman to me. I told her that I couldn't walk away from the group because I need them to love me. Then she told me of all the reasons I was loveable and I didn't need their validation. One by one she dealt with all my objections as only she can until I felt strong enough to walk away.

Scene Three

Go back to Scene One. This time enact it including the words that your strong person said to you. Take your time with it, using the new knowledge you have about yourself. Then, express yourself fully to the main person in the situation (in my case, the group) using whatever you need to - words, actions, write, draw, dance or whatever. Also, have the situation talk to you too and reply from your position of strength.

Moving Forward

You might have to do this more than once. That’s ok. It took a long time to learn this distorted behaviour. It’s normal to take a bit of time to learn new healthy behaviours.

When you get into a situation that feels similar to this one all you have to do is channel your strong person. Think to yourself "What would ..... do?" In my case, having Brene Brown's approval made all the difference. I wouldn't say I am perfect at meeting my own needs, but I am definitely getting better.

If you need to you can carry around the small object that represented them so you can have something concrete to remind you.

Be kind to yourself. This is new, this finding out who you are. It will take time. We have time.

This is the start of the magical path, you are conjuring up new roles for yourself. Go you!

[magical-path-of-acoa-recovery]

Owning my own recovery

Recovery is a process

I’ve been in recovery for around 8 years now and I should have it all together, right?

Fortunately, recovery is a process, sometimes a life-long process. I don’t have to have it all together right away. As I get further and further into recovery I find deeper and deeper layers of pervasive learning that has to be undone and redone. I have to practise and practise being different until it's second nature.

If you think about it, we’ve spent our formative years learning the way things work in our world. Now, however, we have to spend some time unlearning and relearning the way things work in the rest of the world.

The un-addicted world.

Here's an example.

Last year I went on a holiday that turned out to be pretty terrible. I was grouchy and discontented. So we were both miserable. For the life of me, I just could not work out what was going on. Over and over, I told myself I was lucky to be there, that many people don’t get to take holidays.

That didn’t work though and only made me feel ashamed that I couldn’t enjoy it.

After the holiday, I decided to work out why I was so miserable on the trip. So I examined my values about holidays and discovered a lot about myself, my values and my expectations.  

Change your values in four easy steps

Take a look at your own values. What is important to you? How do you want things to work, how do you think people should be?

The best way to figure this out is to use the three-step process. Firstly, pick one aspect of your life that you are unhappy with. Write down four or five statements about that one thing that you want to examine. Use the worksheet and write down the first thing that comes to mind. It honestly doesn’t matter if it’s ridiculous and unrealistic. Nobody is going to judge you. Here's an example using my sad holiday.

I know holidays should be:

Always spent together all the time doing the same thing

Not spent doing useful stuff, no exercise allowed

Doing nothing except watch tv/play on the tablet/read fiction/shop/eat out

Spent eating rubbish food and drink lots of alcohol

Going away somewhere, not staying at home

I must spend all my money and come home broke

Pretty ridiculous when you look at it like that! No wonder I was in such a bad mood.

What is the big picture?

Secondly, we need to look at the way we measure those statements (thanks Mark Manson).

I asked myself what is the essence of a holiday? What is the big picture?

By the time you are an adult, you have had many interactions and picked up many values.

For example, what is the essence of a relationship? Or what do I want out of a career? What sort of parent do I want to be? What does support look like?

I decided that the essence of a holiday is to do something different from everyday life. Something fun and nurturing. A shared experience that would bring me and my partner together. Besides this, we needed to rest and prepare for the upcoming season.

With this in mind I wrote out the measures I used for each of the values I wrote.

Mark Manson once said “With great responsibility comes great power”. This may be a hard concept to get your head around, but it’s liberating to know that you have the great responsibility and power to change your own life.

Break the spell. You don’t need to stay captive to outdated measures any longer. Or hold on to those old constructs of yourself that don’t quite fit today’s world.

Take your power back

Instead, you can take your power back and change your values using the measures that work for you.  

Thirdly, this is what I did to address my holiday values: I identified each measure as helpful, not helpful, or kind of helpful, and considered whether they were realistic, not realistic, or kind of realistic.

I'll do the first one to show you then you can do your own...

Holidays should always be spent together all the time doing the same thing

We must eat, drink and sleep together

Both of us must only do the same activities at the same time all the time

We must get up and go to bed at the same time

We must only do things that we both want to do. (In reality, this looked like only doing things my darling wanted to do to keep her happy. Or in my head, she would leave)

These measures are not helpful or realistic. Why not? Because I get frustrated when I follow them! Then I get cranky and take it out on my beloved.

What are some helpful and more realistic measures? 

Eat together if we’re both there

We don’t have to go to bed at the same time

Only do activities if you want to

According to the new measures, it’s ok to do some things apart. It’s ok to do some things together.

Sparkly new values

The last step in the process is to write out a new value. For my holiday values the new value becomes: It’s ok if we don’t spend every single minute together.

Does this fit into my big picture of what a holiday is? Restful, fun, and different? Yes, it does.  

I was excited! I carried on with the rest of the values and measured them and examined the measures. Then I labeled whether they were realistic or helpful. I wrote out what the new values were that fitted into the big picture.

This is what I ended up with. It's ok to:

Do some things apart. It shows R-E-S-P-E-C-T. 

We only have to do the things we want to do; my partner may still choose to do them alone, and that’s ok. 

Do some useful stuff or productive thinking sometimes. It’s ok to do nothing sometimes.

Stay at home. The other values still apply. Have fun every day! 

Let go, as long as I’m not hurting myself in the long run. 

All the usual mental health whatnot still applies. Be aware of my thinking, eat well, get enough sleep, don’t drink too much. 

Read these values every day until they are a part of me. 

Reinvent yourself

Never forget you have the responsibility to yourself to ditch whatever is not working for you.

Also remember that with great responsibility comes great power.

So now you know the four-step process of examining the values that drive you.

Write four or five statements about the aspect you want to examine

Work out how you measure these statements

Identify the measures as helpful/realistic, not helpful/realistic, kind of helpful/realistic.

And make new values.

In time, you can do this exercise many times to analyse all aspects of your life: child-rearing, work, relationships, money, where to live, food etc. 

The new person, unencumbered by the cloak of the spell, continues to emerge.  In this task, she finds a way of being in the world that causes love and joy. 

The Magical Path of ACOA Recovery

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Dysfunctional Family Rules

We have three things in play in a dysfunctional family, a tripod of stability. Firstly, we have the basic layer of the drama triangle. Secondly, we have entrenched roles. And finally, we have the dysfunctional family rules to keep us in line.

If we try to change roles or stop playing the drama game there will be pushback as the whole system becomes unstable.

Of course, rules are what keeps any society going. We need rules. Even in a family, there are rules. In a family with addiction, the rules become less about life and more about survival. The spell has made us unfeeling, untrusting and silent. But you are not alone. I am here to help you through it. We can do it together.

We can cast a counterspell of feeling, trusting and speaking. 

Generally speaking, in any group, there are unspoken rules or norms. A new workplace, for example, is a minefield of unspoken rules. Social etiquette exists to ensure the smooth running of any group. It is human nature to reward certain behaviours that we call ‘politeness’ and ‘manners’.

We like people who follow the rules, because it makes us feel safe.

If you go to a different country and you have to learn a whole new set of societal rules. Even if you simply attend a gathering of a different ethnicity, you will see many things that are strange to you, but normal to them. Ask any immigrant about what the hardest thing is about moving to a new country, and they will say fitting in.

We need rules

We need rules to function as a society. Instinctively, we know what the rules are, as we have grown up with them. We don’t need to think about how to queue in a shop, or who goes first in an elevator. We know how to make small talk at the checkout, and what is OK to talk about. Our unspoken rules become obvious only when others break them. Or when we break them.

A family is a micro-society that has its own unspoken rules. This is Dad’s chair, you’d better not sit in it. If you feel sad, you can talk to Mum. Someone will always tuck you in at night. You will stay in school.

In some families, one of the rules is, you will stay home to help Mum with the little kids because she can’t do it alone. You will not break laws. If you finish your dinner you can have some dessert. If there is no dinner, find something to eat. When Dad is late, Mum gets upset so you go to bed early. If Mum has been drinking, anything can happen. First up, best dressed.

These rules ensure the smooth running of a family unit. You don’t have to think about them, they just happen. I’m sure you can come up with a few examples of your own in your family of origin and the family that you have created.

In a family with addiction, the rules are more about survival at a different level.  

Don't speak

One of the dysfunctional family rules that is common to all families with addiction, is ‘Don’t speak’. This is hard for me to write. I’m immediately caught up in the rules. I’m going against 50 years of training.

Don’t speak about how Mum was so drunk she couldn’t cook dinner.

How I didn’t have any clean clothes because no-one did the washing.

Don't tell anyone how embarrassed I was that no-one wanted to sit next to me at school because I smelled.

How we had to leave town in a hurry because Mum was in danger. Or how scared I was hiding under the seats of the train at night so his friends wouldn’t see us.

My family and I have never talked about it. Now as I’m writing this, I can remember many other times when dramatic events happened. And still, we have never ever talked about them.

The biggest thing that my three siblings and I did not talk about, was the fact that Mum had a drinking problem. 

You can see more here about how not speaking affects you and how to learn to speak up.

Don't trust

Trust is one of the foundations of society. Our way of life runs on trust. When I buy groceries, I trust that the food inside the boxes is what it says it is. I trust that others are going to follow the road rules. Or that no-one is going to steal my lunch from the fridge. I trust my partner will not laugh at me when I share a deep feeling.

It’s hard to define trust; it’s easier to know when it’s lost. 

In a home with addiction, however, nothing is to be trusted. Promises are broken. Denial, lying and secrets become the norm. Our feelings are discounted so we can't trust them either.

So the family rule becomes ‘Don’t trust anyone.’

A child from a family of addicts learns early on that they can only count on themselves.

This is true of me too. I learned at quite a young age that no-one was going to help me. The only person who can keep me safe is myself. These sub-rules reinforced the main rule:

Keep watch.

Be on guard; you never know when a fight is going to break out.

Don’t worry about making friends, because you are not going to be here long. I went to six schools before I was eight.

You can’t trust adults to keep you safe.

At ten, I was a dirty little creature who once told a priest that “I am the only one in the family who hasn’t been drunk”. When reflecting on that little girl, I want to hug her so tight.

And the result of this mistrust?

Intense, deep loneliness that permeates every aspect of my being. Separation. A burden too heavy for a child. A burden too heavy for an adult.  

You can read more about how to grow trust here.

Don't feel

The final big dysfunctional family rule that is the third in the trio of ties that bind the spell to you, is ‘Don’t feel’.

Children do whatever they can to bring stability and consistency into their lives. If this means shutting off feelings to get through the day, that’s what they do.

Because they can’t talk with or trust anyone, they must rely on their feelings alone. It doesn’t take long to become overwhelmed and shut down.

It is normal to feel many feelings in the course of a day or even an hour!

When big events happen to a child, it would be normal for them to have feelings like joy, fear and sorrow. You would expect them to feel angry, embarrassed, or guilty.

The child of a home with addiction learns to feel nothing at all. I became really good at suppressing my emotions and ignoring everything I didn’t want to see. I opted out.

Books became my friends. I remember sitting in a classroom as a child, reading. A group of children gathered in front of me watching me. They would laugh whenever I twitched my nose. I was aware of them, but I didn’t care. As a child, I spent many hours on the porch or in a tree reading about all my friends, Alice, Katie, Tarzan, Pooh, Anne, and Jo March. Words kept me safe.

As an adult, I started calling myself Cleopatra; Queen of Denial. The problem with suppressing feelings is that sooner or later they leak out. And you can’t control the leakage.

You can learn more about feeling all the feels and what to do with them here.

Now what?

These rules are the unspoken system regulators. They are never said out loud but the intention is there.

To live by these rules becomes a way of life. The system must carry on. It must support the addict in their dependency. Or everything will fall apart.

I'm not against rules, we need them to keep society going. Otherwise, there would be chaos. But I am against these three deadly rules - don't speak, don't feel and don't trust.

I'm learning to break them one day at a time. Just reading this blog is a great first step.

Knowing then doing with support - that's the key.

[magical-path-of-acoa-recovery]

It’s OK to Trust Sometimes

I learned early on that I cannot trust anyone.

Not even myself. Especially not myself.

The ‘don’t trust’ rule is a catchall rule that also includes other unspoken rules.

“Don’t make friends outside the family”.

“Nothing is wrong, everything is fine”.

“Do as I say, not as I do”.

“You must not be angry or sad”, which sounded like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”.

Addicts manipulate sometimes. They are driven to get their fix to survive and will do whatever it takes. Often they are adept at twisting situations to their own benefit wherever possible. So they lie, use anger, guilt, urgency, blame and self-pity. They need to keep the status quo so they can keep using or drinking.

This is the norm of someone in the death grip of addiction: denial, lying, and keeping secrets.

As a result, this behaviour causes mistrust. Is it any wonder that families of addicts have a problem with trust? Broken promises of the past tell us that trusting someone will backfire on us sooner or later. 

The Three Tarnished Rules

The three tarnished rules of a dysfunctional family – don’t feel, don’t talk, don’t trust – mean that we struggle with relationships. We avoid getting close to others. We especially can’t trust others or even talk to them. So, to keep ourselves safe, we have shut down our feelings and can’t feel them. Our romantic relationships are often a disaster. We either cling to others like a limpet or are so closed off we can’t maintain a relationship. I cling and end up smothering the other person.

This is what happened in my first two marriages. Now in my new relationship, ten years later, I panic momentarily if I feel that my partner is pulling away. I often need to talk to myself and remind myself that she has been trustworthy in the past. After all, this is a normal relationship with a healthy person who has healthy boundaries.

In the past, I closed myself off from myself and the world for protection. No wonder I felt apart from the world. I was. Tiny Buddha says

“Humans are social creatures, and we need human connection to feel alive and complete. When we cut ourselves off from this life-giving force because we are suspicious and don’t trust others, we harm ourselves more than any act of untrustworthiness we could experience”.

I have learned that I need to trust myself. If I hear that little voice that says “Hang on. This doesn’t feel right,” I listen. Sometimes I get it wrong, but sometimes it helps me avoid getting into situations that I shouldn’t get into. For example, when I just knew it was time to leave my workplace and set up on my own. Sure enough, two months later the business I had left went under.  

You can trust yourself. In your ability to handle whatever life throws at you. You have already handled the worst, and you are still here. If you have come through all the adversity that you did, you are already strong enough. If it helps, you can journal about your strengths. You can finally let go of the pain of the spell and not let it take up any more space. More about that here.

The past is the past. You have a future.  

Trust the Future

One good way of trusting the future is to stay exactly where you are.

Don’t move house, change jobs, get a new partner. There is only one reason to do any of these things - if you are unsafe.

If you are in a good relationship, stay in it! You may feel bored and stale, but this could be the spell ‘helping’ you cope with increased intimacy.

You can allow yourself to make plans for the future.

We are going to do a visualisation exercise. I'm assuming your current life is safe.

Read this first so you know what to do, then close your eyes.

You are soon going to see yourself living the same life in this house, doing the same job, loving the same person for the next five years. What does that look like, sound like, smell like? How does it feel? Do you feel stale or bored? In contrast, do you feel comforted or excited? Or do you have mixed feelings?

Or, if you are in a complete panic, can you see yourself living the same life for one year? What does that feel like?

Now close your eyes and really live it.

When you are ready, open your eyes.

If you are panicking, tell yourself that it's ok and normal to panic. It's important to realise that it's just the spell making you uncomfortable and telling you lies. We need to break the original spell by using the counterspell that we create by staying put.

If you need help with this, please go and see someone for support; you can speak up. If you have trouble speaking up, read this post. 

“People who are unwilling to trust in others (or the world, or themselves) have a challenging time planning for the future because they don’t trust that a) it will be good, or b) that it will exist. So counteract this mindset by allowing yourself to make plans for the future and build longer term commitments. Put down roots. It will serve your growing sense of trust well”.

Jordan Gray Consulting

Trust others

Ernest Hemingway once said “The best way to find out if you can trust anybody is to trust them.” This means that we can only trust others by practising trust.

I definitely don’t mean blindly trusting everyone with everything.

I mean watch them for a while first, asking yourself if they are worthy of your trust.

Do they do what they say they will?

Are they good at being diplomatic?

How do they handle others’ trust?

Then you can trust them with one thing as a test.

For example, you can try asking your partner to get you something specific from the grocery store like a brand and flavour of ice cream. If they don't have it in stock, tell your partner to text you and let you know.

To be clear, it's not about manipulating or testing your partner. In contrast, it's about laying out expectations and trusting that your partner will follow through.

If that works out ok, then you can trust them with more. Do this with others too. It’s ok to hold back at first, but it’s not ok to stay cut off. 

So, if you do these simple exercises, you'll be well on the way to trusting yourself. And others.