makeyourdeanabi

[makeyourdeanabi]

😭😭😭😭

[makeyourdeanabi]

Felt like it was time to share this again. I don’t know why.

Finale Reaction- 2 months later

In the wee hours after the Supernatural Finale, after tossing and turning in my bed, I got up and wrote this… this was before I was actually active on Tumblr and I never thought I would share this because I was too self conscious.  I deleted it shortly after I wrote it because it brought me so much pain to relive it.  I have since watched the Finale again and have come to terms with it and I felt it was a good time to share my thoughts. I hope that my words may bring other people comfort who feel the same way.  Thanks for reading :)

Alisha

P.S. Sorry so long, I was feeling things and the words just kept coming and coming  ___________________________________________

I don’t blog.  Never in my life have I sat down to tell the world about my feelings in such a manner.  I may contribute on message boards and social media comments, but I never thought anything was worth my time to spill my guts into the ether when I am near certain that not a soul will read them.  But here I am.  I have to write because if I don’t get these thoughts out of my head, I am going to go full on insane.

That ending was bad. It was a disservice to the 15 years of an incredible show that was not only genre bending it was cultural norms bending.

I could mention the various tropes that this ending (and the previous episodes) invoked, but I am not well versed in them and would never want to do anyone a disservice with a comparison that wasn’t apt.

The buildup up of each character arc and then the glaring lack of conclusion for said character arc was laughable.

To say I am disappointed is an understatement.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement.

I am destroyed.  

I am destroyed that the two men who have been with this franchise since day 1 wrote and directed an episode that they thought was the perfect ending. They thought this is what their devoted fandom wanted.  

I am destroyed that the lead actors signed off on this script and went so far as to call it their favorite.  I realize Jared was the only one calling it his favorite episode. Jensen admitted he had reservations about the episode and needed the wise words of creator Erik Kripke to accept it. I do have to say that taking the word of a man who left the show 10 seasons ago and hasn’t been involved in all the plot lines and inner workings since season 5 is probably not the best idea. I could be mistaken about the extent of Kripke’s involvement, but I am fairly certain that I am right in my assumptions.  

Dean spent 15 years (probably more) of his life feeling unloved, unworthy, self-conscious and convinced that his life had but one purpose and that purpose would ultimately be the death of him, and he had made peace with that.

He is given a best friend, potential love interest, who helps him to see that he is more than that, so much more than that.  He is selfless, he is caring, he is a lover, not a killer. His friend’s soulmate’s sacrifice is the catalyst for him believing that all these things are true. He even takes the step of admitting out loud that he knows he has changed.  He knows that his life is worth living to the fullest and appreciating what he has every day and honoring those they have “lost along the way.”  

To then kill him during a routine hunting trip in which the boys are up against a vampire nest they could take down in their sleep.  What could possibly have been the purpose for that?  To show that once they were no longer God’s little play toys their lives were expendable?  WHY?

Dean, arguably the greatest hunter in the SPN universe, was taken out by a fucking rusty piece of rebar, and instead of trying to call for help and get the man to a hospital (not sure it would have helped) he has his final monologue, the one he has been due for the latter half all of Season 15.  He died scared, in pain, and sad.

Dean goes to heaven, and its not the heaven we have been told of in the past where you are living in your memories.  Its truly life after death and its wonderful. He meets Bobby again and told that various people in Dean’s and Bobby’s life are close by.  His parents live down the road.  His father, who was never confirmed to be but was most likely an abusive bastard, lives just down the road with his mother.  Wonderful. (WTF?) He gets confirmation that Cas is out of the empty and he smiles, nothing more.  He sees baby and goes for a drive, not to find Cas and thank him for his ultimate sacrifice, but to just drive.  I like this part because we see a happy, content Dean, and we finally get to hear Kansas’s “Carry on Wayward Son” (DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF THE ROAD SO FAR AT THE BEGINNING OF THE EPISODE). I just wish Dean’s path to heaven had been a little easier on him.

Dean deserved better.

Castiel, the selfless angel who just wanted to find purpose in his life and ultimately found it in death. He dies never being told that he is loved, after countless times of professing his love to his found family. The angel who sacrificed himself to the Empty, a horrible place of unspeakable torture, to protect the man he loves.  A man who, mere days later (in my mind anyway), arrives in heaven after being killed in a gruesome accident, rather than fulfilling his destiny that Cas fought so hard to protect.  Some sacrifice. It turns out that Cas is saved by the Empty from Jack, but we don’t get to see his joyful reunion with Dean, the man he loves.  

Cas deserved better.

Sam is left to live this life without his brother, and potentially the love of his life because the writers couldn’t be bothered to confirm Eileen’s re-existence after Chuck’s rapture.  He has a family, and he grows old (mind you with REALLY bad makeup in a show that is known for their incredible makeup/special effects departments).

He seems to be happy, but you can tell something is missing.  We come to see that he raised his son to be a hunter.  He raised his son in a life that, at the outset of this show, he was desperate to get out of and live a normal life.  Perhaps he no longer believes that anyone can live a normal life knowing what is out there. *EDIT* Looking back I don’t believe he raised his son to be a hunter, just gave him the tattoo in case.

He names his son Dean, because of course he does. He has a wife who we see from a distance and is never given the clarity if it is Eileen or not.  He finally dies after what looks like a slow and painful illness and is sent to heaven.

In heaven he meets up with Dean.  This was lovely.  The two of them meeting again after so long, for Sam, that is. Dean only had to seemingly wait for a few hours.

Sam deserved better.

For a show that had the potential to go out on a historically significant high, this is disappointing, to say the least.  The story had the potential to end with 2 brothers who have sacrificed so much and saved so many people, find a happy ending.  Not only that but find a happy ending with a deaf partner and a gay angel. If that isn’t breaking barriers and bending norms, I don’t know what is.  I really would like to know what prevented this from happening.  Be it the CW from restricting them or maybe the absolute lack of originality from the writers, I am curious as to their reasoning. Maybe it was COVID.  Maybe because they couldn’t have those two actors physically on set due to protocols, they didn’t want to shortchange them by having them appear otherwise: disembodied voice, phone call (DONT TOUCH ME) or even a flashback… hell STOCK FOOTAGE! I don’t know and I clearly can’t imagine the reason.

I realize that there is nothing that can be done about this episode now and that accepting it and moving on is really the only way forward.  But the legacy this show has left, and its lasting impact on me and my life, cannot be ignored.  I was looking forward to indulging in past episodes of this show for the rest of my life. It is going to be a long time before I can watch an episode without anger and resentment towards what I know to be their eventual end.  That, to me, is unforgiveable.  

I don’t expect anyone to actually read this because I do not have any followers. I have never blogged in my entire life and was only recently introduced to the online fandom, but I needed to write this.  I needed to share the impact that this episode had on me.  I do hope that it does reach those in the fandom that may have similar feelings and are able to use my words to help express how they are feeling.  We can move on, and we will move on, but we need to do it together.

I know that there are people who, if they read this, would shake their head in disbelief that I became so emotionally invested in this show that watching a bad ending would take such a toll on my mental health.  

To them I say, imagine this… The Pittsburgh Steelers (my favorite team, they can imagine their own) have an incredible season.  A season where they saw a myriad of highs and lows. Veteran players making incredible comebacks, rookie players coming in to their own.  Season ending injuries that lead to the next man stepping up and contributing in ways they weren’t sure possible.  Now imagine they make it to the Superbowl and after 3 tough quarters, in which they played their best, getting better with each quarter, they lose it in the final minutes.  All that blood, sweat, and tears for nothing.  Now imagine that was their last season and the Pittsburgh Steelers are no longer an NFL team.  They are done.  No “we’ll get ‘em next season.”  No “it’s just a game and there is always another one”.  Just done.  Their entire franchise, for a brief moment in time, reduced to those final minutes where they failed to win.  Devastating. Of course, in the long run that is not what they will be remembered for.  I mean, after all, they have won 6 Lombardi trophies, and no one is taking that away from them.  But the sting will remain for a while. *EDIT* This was as close to prophecy as I will ever get, the Steelers did all of the above until the playoffs, but THANK GOD, there will be another season.

If I can’t make you understand with a sports metaphor than I will never make you understand.  

I love this show and this loss is devastating.  I do hope that it is remembered for more than their last-minute loss.  I hope it is remembered for the joy and acceptance that their fandom felt with each episode, for the laugher on set and the gag reels. I hope it is remembered for the individual players who gave it their all. I know it will be, but for me personally, this sting is going to last for a while.  

[makeyourdeanabi]

Friend: Isn’t it just the best when your comfort character gets a happy ending?

Me: I wouldn’t know, my comfort character is Dean Winchester

Friend: ok, well don’t you love it when your favorite tv show has a good narrative flow?

Me: again, I wouldn’t know, my favorite tv show is Supernatural

Friend: ok, ok how about this. Aren’t you just so satisfied when the writers of your favorite tv show employ the use of circular storytelling to conclude the story?

Me: ... *throws chair through window*

[makeyourdeanabi]

Oh my god

put misha in the boys and ill die happily

Who?

[makeyourdeanabi]

actually my one note is this: it’s a little weird to me how many spn stans still refuse to understand the point of the prequel or admit that their preconceived notions about it were wrong. it is not a pro john show. it is not a john apologist show. and don’t even get me started on the deep misogyny regarding mary in this fandom. you guys need to seek help for your deep hatred of women tbh. it is literally about ‘’the degradation of john winchester.’’

so far he has been shown to be a young man with severe ptsd from the vietnam war that isn’t being treated effectively. he is sweet and sometimes funny because there is still life in him. he likes a girl. he loves his mother. he’s loyal to his friends. he wants to help people. he is also chaotic, obsessive, violent, reckless, overconfident, and, let’s be honest, rather stupid sometimes. these are not personality traits that age well. they especially do not age well when you add in the brutal trauma of the supernatural world, his wife’s violent and premature death, decades of hunting, the looming presence of heaven and hell, and literal mind wipes.

no, it is not at all hard to see how this john ends up being that john and it’s just bizarre to me that people don’t…get that.

but, then again, of course they wouldn’t want to acknowledge it. that would mean admitting that maybe, just maybe, life is not as simple and black and white as they need it to be.

the spn fandom’s grasp of john has always been weak imo. they see him as some lumbering monster who was always a monster and never anything else. he is everything bad and everything wrong and always was. there couldn’t possibly have ever been good in him. they actively make shit up (there is no canon - since y’all seem to love that word - evidence that john was homophobic, you just need him to be for some reason) in order to make him worse than he already was.

the winchesters - with their very blatant writing, their explanation that not all abusers are born evil but made that way through various circumstances and that generational trauma is, you know, a very real thing - threatens their extremely black and white worldview and fucks with their miserable headcanons. so they write it off.

which sucks for them because putting aside the dense layers of generational trauma and the aforementioned ‘’degradation of john winchester’’ it’s honestly just a fun and entertaining show with nostalgic old school spn and buffy vibes and i think you’re all missing out.

[makeyourdeanabi]

To be fair to Misha if I knew people suspected me of being involved with Jensen Ackles I wouldn’t shut up about it either

[makeyourdeanabi]

i support misha collins' political aspirations because i enjoy the thought of the future wikipedia entry for List of LGBT Presidents of the United States being hotly contested at row 1 on account of Well he was bisexual in new jersey that one weekend

[makeyourdeanabi]

You know what kills me about this?

In the 4th gif Jensen speaks into the mic when he asks “are these mine?”

He could have easily just asked misha off mic but he wanted the audience to hear

He wants us to know that they share, and apparently steal, each others stuff like the fucking married couple they are

Happy anniversary to these two idiots in love 😍

jensen and misha in 2022 -> part one

[makeyourdeanabi]

Today is about all the happy smiles, the secret and the public ones, the soft microexpressions, the comforting touches, the time they lived together, the 'You know what I haven’t told you today? That i love you', the talks about important topics in life, the care for each other, the absolute unexpected thing that happened and it's been happening for years.

[makeyourdeanabi]

♪ ♪ Now I know this story might sound familiar, but I'm gonna put the pieces together in a way that just might surprise you. And in order to do that, I have to start all the way at the beginning. ♪ ♪

SUPERNATURAL 15x9 // THE WINCHESTERS 1x1

[makeyourdeanabi]

the thing about robbie thompson is that. he made dean more dean. after seven seasons of mostly the same he came in and gave him new things that felt effortless and authentic. he said you know what, i think dean would think larping is cool. and we all went fuck yeah he would!!! he absolutely would!!! and thank god for that. you know how you can add coffee to chocolate cake to make it taste more chocolatey? that's what robbie thompson did.

[makeyourdeanabi]

Jensen “give me that collins ass” Ackles

Jensen “hey misha nice butt” Ackles

Jensen “Misha, let me touch the hiney awoooo” Ackles

Jensen “I just fucking love misha’s ass ok?” Ackles

Jensen “cockles is real” Ackles… ahh yes. There it is 😏

Nothing makes me quite so feral as that unquenchable urge Jensen has to constantly slap Misha's ass in front of God and everyone

Jesus look at him really REEL BACK on that last one boy was aiming to leave a handprint

[makeyourdeanabi]

Right?! RIGHT?! The man ruined my life, like I say this with my whole fucking chest.

Misha. Collins. Ruined. My. Life.

And I still fucking love him

My entire twitter timeline is Misha Collins telling me my mental health matters as if he himself isn't the reason I've been slowly descending into madness since September 18, 2008

[makeyourdeanabi]

put misha in the boys and ill die happily

Who?

[makeyourdeanabi]

Ummm yup

[makeyourdeanabi]

I think you should get into the Jackles and Chaos Machine of it all (this is a sincere request)

so the thing is that jensen has said/done some genuinely hurtful things in the past and i don't begrudge anyone who has felt or continues to feel hurt by that. that's perfectly valid. BUT the narrative that he is this insidious homophobe who is not-so-secretly disgusted by gay people is not only deeply annoying, but actively harmful.

this is a man who has taken very obvious steps to grow and become a better ally. is he always the most eloquent with his words? no, he is not. but to me actions speak way louder than words and what we know about his actions are that he 1. is lovely and open and accepting to queer fans who tell them how much dean and destiel mean to them. 2. is vocally supportive of the queer community and queer causes and most importantly 3. created an entire production company with a mission statement to uplift diverse stories and creators and is actually doing that.

the winchesters has two (probably straight) white characters that are what they are by virtue of their origin and there's nothing we can do about that but almost every other character has been a person of color with interiority and nuance and a backstory and a life outside of john and mary. like, there are two interracial romantic pairings already and neither of them include a white person and we're only on episode six.

and we have queer characters!!! queer characters who are not reduced to their sexuality or shoehorned in for the sake of diversity while meaning absolutely nothing to the plot/story!!! they matter. and we've got quotes from the creative team about how even if the language wasn't there at the time, those people existed and their stories deserve to be told!!! like. y'all can make all the jokes you want about homophobic texas christian boy jensen ackles who hasn't said dean wants to shove his tongue in cas' mouth so he must hate gay people.... but the man is out here hiring queer creatives and uplifting their voices and getting their pronouns right and being fucking normal about it unlike y'all who somehow manage to have the most insanely biphobic and acephobic takes while supposedly defending queer people and that means so much more to me than his opinion on a ship that he has zero control over.

like. if you can't get over the hurtful things he's said in the past, that's fine. there's no judgement from me on that front. but please don't pretend like they are indicative of what he is currently doing and please don't pretend like you actually care about the problems that supernatural had if you're out here disparaging the winchesters every time you even look in the spn-universe's direction without ever having watched the show (especially if you're saying you refuse to watch the winchesters because spn was racist/homophobic/whatever.... but are still watching spn?? like?? WHAT?). the show that jensen put his creative heart and soul into is actively working to fix the things you supposedly hated about spn and your hottest take is that it still sucks because jensen doesn't have a perfect track record? wow, cool. i hope the view is nice from up there on your high horse where you can't even see the people you're claiming to stand up for.

[makeyourdeanabi]

honestly reading the transcript of the answer i really think the dude just panicked knowing he’d basically just said dean should’ve reciprocated and some ppl might be pissed abt that and unfortunately the man hates confrontation and has chronic people pleaser syndrome so he tacked on that bro comment but like. He literally said dean was head-in-hands devastated in that moment after Cas got taken specifically Because he didn’t get to say anything back !!! And thee thing he would’ve said if he could??? Literally ‘i love you.’ idc abt anything else that’s literally all that matters to me. dean wanted to say it back !!! and was in utter despair for not saying it !!!