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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 7 days ago

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Somethin’ Stupid

A/N: Ahhhh this one hit me like a sack of bricks and I just had to put it in words! It wasn’t thoroughly proof read but I do not care! I was too excited to post it! I hope you love it as much as I loved writing it!

Love, Mal <3

Summary: While making up with Aaron after a fight, you almost say something you can’t take back. He’s determine to coax it out of you, his tactics are… interesting.

Warnings: This is probably the fluffiest fluff I’ve ever written. If you don’t like tickling this is probably not for you. Swearing, an argument, sexual tension. Unspecified age gap

Tags: Fluffy af, emotional hurt/comfort, established(ish) relationship

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x BAU!reader

Word count: 3,565

Masterlist

AO3 link here

The chaos in the conference room of the local station had risen to near deafening decibels and it was only devolving. No one seemed to be capable of coming to a compromise, everyone had their own opinion of how the coming raid should be planned out, and none of the locals were listening to the team. Even amongst yourselves, you were divided.

You and Aaron were divided.

That almost never happened. Unfortunately, today it was happening. He was wrong, you were sure of it. He, Spencer, and JJ thought the best way would be to go in peacefully and talk the unsubs down. That didn’t match the profile. The profile that you all made and agreed on together. That profile says that the unsubs would not allow themselves to be taken alive, that they would go out in a blaze of glory, suicide by cop if they’re caught. You didn’t know how Aaron wasn't seeing that. You, Morgan and Prentiss had all been trying to make the case that you needed to go in hot and heavy, full tactical gear and at least a full S.W.A.T. squad as back up. Catch them off guard, by total surprise and make sure they did not have time to react.

Rossi, the poor guy, was playing the peacemaker.

“Let’s all just settle down…” You could hear his soft voice just barely through the racket. It wasn’t going well for him. No one else was paying him any mind.

You could feel Aaron’s gaze on the side of your face, even as he continued to argue his point to Morgan and the chief of police. You ignored him. In fact you’d started retreating from the room entirely.

He raised his voice at you, spoke to you as though you were a child. Not his… well… you didn’t really know what you were, but even when you were just his subordinate he had never spoken to you like he had a moment ago.

In front of everyone. You’d been humiliated.

Tensions had been high, to be fair, and he had immediately realized he’d hurt you. You could see the regret and repentance on his face, but that was just not good enough right now. You hadn’t meant to undermine him, you really hadn’t and you knew he knew that.

“Would you just give it a second thought Aaron?!” You had asked frustratedly, then pled your case. “If we give them half a second to react they’re gonna open fire and then everyone will be in danger! Especially the victim they still have!”

Looking back on it… You had called him Aaron, which to the police department probably seemed like disrespect. Not to mention that you had been standing toe to toe with him, and your voice had been slightly elevated as well. In your defense you hadn’t been shouting at him, more like speaking loudly in his direction, but it was only so he could hear you over the cacophony of voices that were also all raised well above indoor voices.

But Aaron had practically barked your name. You had been stunned into silence, and the rest of the room had fallen into a brief and awkward silence as he said, “Stand down, now. I don’t need you to tell me how to do my job, I’ve been doing it just fine for longer than you’ve been an agent.”

It felt like he’d sucker punched you, right in the gut. You’d seen the regret—the apology—flooding his eyes, he hadn’t meant it. But your pride was already injured. You hadn’t said another word since, making yourself as small as possible and fading into the background.

You were good at that, being a wallflower, being unseen and unheard.

It was just part of life for you. Until you met Aaron. He had never made you feel small, or insignificant. Not until just now. So you needed a minute to recover and cope, you had drifted slowly to the back of the room and decided to slip out as soon as you could without being noticed. As soon as he freaking looked away from you anyway.

He knew it too. Which was why he was keeping his eyes firmly on you, practically begging you to look at him. But you were going to cry if you did that, so you kept your eyes firmly on the wall opposite you. You’d know if he looked away, his gaze was burning into your skull with an intensity that was making the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

Someone whistled, LOUDLY.

“Alright! Knock it off! You’re all acting like a bunch of children, not highly trained professionals.” The Police Chief scolded the entire room, crossing his arms and scowling so grimly it almost gave Aaron’s signature scowl a run for its money.

Aaron’s shoulder dropped briefly as he took a deep breath and addressed the room.

“Okay, let's take a five minute break, cool our heads and come back.” He instructed, and you took that as the perfect opportunity to escape as the crowd began to move. But he was one step ahead of you and called out your name loudly enough that every eye was on you again. “Stay behind for a minute, I need a word.”

You cringed, bringing your shoulders up nearly to your ears as you stopped in your tracks. You had already made it to the door, so you had to turn around and face everyone as you stepped aside and let them all out. Your team gave you sympathetic glances as they exited, thinking you were either in trouble or there was about to be a fight of epic proportions.

They knew there was something between you and Aaron, there was no such thing as a secret in the BAU. You were profilers, you spent nearly every waking moment together for weeks at a time, there was no hiding anything and everything always came to light. So you had never tried to hide it, neither of you had come right out and announced it either but you hadn’t needed to. They often witnessed soft spoken words, gentle touches, sweet smiles and flirtatious banter between the two of you. They were surprised at first, but they really didn’t question it. Now though, you were wishing they didn’t know. Because they’re sympathetic glances held a little more concern than this warranted.

You could hear them, just outside the door, as you waited for the rest of the officers to exit so you could close the aforementioned door. (No need to air your grievances in front of the entire station. You’d had enough embarrassment for one day, thank you.)

“Uh oh, I think Mom and Dad are about to fight.” Morgan joked.

JJ and Rossi groaned, while Reid and Prentiss snickered quietly.

“It doesn’t feel correct to refer to her as ‘Mom’ in this family dynamic.” Reid said matter of factly. “We’re all older than her.”

“Well what should I have said, Pretty Boy?” Morgan asks, and you can feel the joke coming. “Referring to her as the ‘baby sister' makes things really weird, really fast if we consider Hotch the group Dad. ‘Controversially Young Stepmom’ is closer to the truth, but that makes her sound like his midlife crisis, and we know that’s not true. He loves her.”

Woah…

They think he loves you?

Neither of you have ever said the L-word. You didn’t even really know what you were to him. He’d never called you his girlfriend, he never said that you weren’t either. So you just went with ‘partner’ if asked and let people decipher the meaning of the word for themselves.

Aaron cleared his throat and your eyes snapped to his realizing you’d been staring into space as you listened in on your teammates discuss the nature of your relationship with their leader. He smiled softly, apologetically, but you didn’t return it. Not yet.

Your cheeks were burning as you turned to close the door, keeping your back to him a second longer than necessary. Regaining a little composure now that there weren’t any prying eyes on you but his, you took a deep breath before turning to meet his gaze.

“You wanted to see me, Sir?” You said, with a little more attitude than you ever would have used in front of other people. To be completely honest, the ‘sir’ was petty, but you were unapologetically mad right now. The blow landed as intended, making him wince and take a barely perceptible step back.

“I deserved that…” He murmured, his eyes so full of regret and remorse it was becoming difficult to stay mad. He knew he had made a mistake and he was truly sorry. You weren’t done nursing the grudge yet though… it may have been a maturity issue, but you didn’t care at that moment. He rounded the table and came toward you, you took a step back, turning away from him slightly. The thing about you both being profilers, is that you could often communicate your emotions with body language alone. Which is why he knew that you weren’t as angry at him as you made out.

Your back was slightly to him, yes, but your chin was tilted in a way that exposed your throat and also allowed you to hear him approaching. You were willing to be vulnerable, to hear him out and make amends. Your arms were crossed, but they weren’t tightly clutched to your body, they were loose. Your shoulders relaxed and your stance relatively open and comfortable. You were playing hard to get, and Aaron was well aware.

His hands squeezed your upper arms gently and you didn’t flinch away, you leaned into his hands. He didn’t further the touch, not yet, he wanted your uncoerced forgiveness first. He just felt the need to be connected.

“Sweetheart, I didn’t mean that. I shouldn’t have said it, and it isn’t true. Your opinions are always welcome and I value each one. I’m very sorry.” He said, his tone clear and even, completely sincere.

“Are you sure?” You asked, not ready to forgive just yet, he had embarrassed you. “You seemed pretty serious when you ordered me to ‘stand down’ and pointed out how young and inexperienced I am compared to you… in front of everyone.”

You felt him flinch slightly and then felt slightly guilty, but only slightly.

“I don’t have any excuses, I am so sorry that I embarrassed you–”

“Humiliated me.” You cut in.

“Humiliated you.” He admitted softly, and his voice cracked quietly. Was he? No…

You turned in his arms and faced him, shocked to find his eyes brimmed with tears.

“Aaron?” You whispered quietly.

“I- I didn’t mean to make you feel…” He takes a deep shuddering breath, glancing away for a moment and wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “I didn’t mean to make you feel small or young or inconsequential. I know that I did, I saw it all over your face when I said it, and that kills me. I know how hard you had to fight and what you had to overcome to get here, and I never intended to treat you that way, I said it in frustration. I wasn’t even frustrated at you, I just happened to be speaking to you when it boiled over. I’m sorry baby, I was wrong and I need you to know that I think the world of you! You amaze me.”

Now you were nearly crying.

You reached up and wiped his tears away with your thumbs and kissed him gently, pouring every ounce of forgiveness you could muster into him with your lips. You felt his body relax into yours, the tension fleeing like a rebuked demon. You let your body meld with his and his arms came around your waist as he kissed you back.

“I forgive you.” You murmured against his lips, just in case that wasn’t clear.

“Thank you…” He murmured back, deepening the kiss a little further and then pulling away to look at you. “I don’t deserve it, but I’ll accept it anyway because I don’t think I could bear to go into that raid without it. Without knowing that you and I are okay.”

“We’re okay.” You reassured him, then felt a little guilty yourself. “I– I didn’t mean to be disrespectful or to undermine you. Your name slipped out, I’m too used to saying it and I was frustrated as well. But I’m sorry, I should have been more tactful. It won’t happen again, if I have a concern about your decisions I’ll address it privately.”

He smiled at you, his eyes kind and full of… something similar to what was going on in your heart right now.

“Sweetheart, you can address your concerns whenever and wherever you please. My ego is not too fragile to handle that. In fact, I welcome it. I want to know if an order I’m giving makes you or the others feel like you’re not safe. It’s my job to protect you, especially you.” He caressed your cheek with his thumb as he cupped your head in his hands. “Truthfully, I didn’t even process what you said to me, I was too on edge. Could you tell me what has you concerned? I want to hear you out.”

You were absolutely sure that your pupils had shifted into big red hearts.

“God, Aaron. I lo–” You caught yourself, just barely, and bit your lip to stop the words from spilling out.

You couldn’t say that. No matter how true it was. Not when this whole thing was so… confusing? The lines were all blurred and you didn’t even know what this was.

Unfortunately, the pause and the panic in your eyes was telling enough. He was having a very hard time keeping a straight face. His lips twitching in open rebellion.

“You what?” He asked softly, but you could tell he knew exactly what you had almost blurted out with so much breathy adoration that you wished the earth would open up and swallow you whole.

You shook your head and retreated a few steps.

“Nothing.” You said, too quickly, looking away from him to hide your embarrassment. “It’s not important.”

You hear him take a step toward.

“I beg to differ.” He murmured, pure elation in his voice. “I’m gonna need you to finish that sentence, Honey.”

You retreated another step, scrambling for anything to save you from having to admit what you almost said.

“I was only going to say that I love how… emotionally mature you are???” You cringed, and he was not at all convinced, chuckling softly at your fib.

“Well, first of all, I ought to be, I’m entirely too old for you. Second of all, that is not what you were going to say. It was close, but I think it was gonna be a little shorter than that.” He said smugly as he kept coming closer to you and you kept backing away.

“Umm, no you aren’t.” You scowled at him, sticking your arm out behind you to make sure you didn’t run into anything. Slowly making your way around the table. “And yes it was, you’re not a mind reader, just a profiler and even that can’t tell you exactly what I was thinking.”

He chuckles again, his eyes practically sparkling with amusement.

“Then why did you stop yourself from saying it? That was nothing I didn’t already know you thought, you’ve told that before. That you appreciate how I have more emotional maturity than guys you’ve been with in the past. So why not just say it?” He pushes, continuing his slow advance toward you.

“I- I- I just realized that I had said it before and it was a silly thing to say in this situation. That’s all.” You stuttered, then tripped over someone's bag that had gotten left behind.

He reached out to steady you but you recovered too quickly and darted back, knowing if he got his hands on you, he would coax the truth out of you. One way or another.

“You’re a terrible liar Sweetheart, don’t ever play poker. Especially not with Rossi.” He’s grinning ear to ear now and it almost makes you want to just blurt it out, but you’ve made too big of a show of lying to give in now. “Just tell me what you were going to say. I already know, I just want to hear it.”

You shrugged, shaking your head as you made it to the middle of the other side of the long conference table. All fifteen feet of it between you and the door that you were so desperate to escape through. “I don’t know what you want to hear, Aaron. I already told you what I was going to say.”

He shakes his head and sighs, but the grin is still there.

“Fine.” He tuts. “I guess I’ll just have to get it out of you the hard way.”

You saw his body stiffen just before he lunged for you, and you had just a split second to launch yourself off a pulled out chair and onto the table. You took two steps and used the back of a chair to vault yourself off of the table and toward the door.

You almost made it too.

Almost.

Somehow, somehow, Aaron’s arm caught you around the waist just as your fingertips skimmed the doorknob. He used your own momentum to press your chest against the door and pin you to it with his hips and shoulders.

“Goddamn! You are ridiculously fucking fast for a man your age!” You cursed, breathlessly panting from the sudden burst of exertion.

He laughed, his fingers skimming your waist lightly. Oh fuck, not this…

“You are terribly slow for a woman your age.” He teased, his voice rough as he murmured in your ear. “Now, tell me what you were actually going to say, Darling, or I’ll have to get creative.”

You squirmed a little, trying to get free. It was hopeless, he was much much stronger than you and he wasn’t even holding you tightly enough to cause any discomfort.

“I already told you!” You whined.

He clicked his tongue.

“Alright, you had your chance.” He warned cryptically, and then his hands were everywhere, squeezing and pinching and lightly brushing over you until he found exactly what he was looking for.

You let out a squeal of laughter when he found your tickle spot. There were several, but this one, this one was the WORST. You couldn’t stop laughing and he just doubled down.

“Aaron, please!” You squealed. “We can talk about this, like adults!”

He only tickled you more fervently.

“I tried to talk, you left me no choice.” He disagreed. “Tell me what I want to hear and I’ll stop.”

You knew Aaron well enough to know that if you said you were uncomfortable, he would stop immediately. But you weren’t uncomfortable and you wanted to see how this would play out.

“No.” You gasped, another peal of giggles ringing out as he tickled faster. “Aaron!”

“It’s just three little words, honey. That’s all it takes…” He taunted as you wriggled and squirmed like a worm on a hook.

“Aaron please! I cannot breathe!” You panted through your laughter, tears running down your face.

“I dunno, you sure are making a lot of noise for someone who can’t breathe…” He joked, his amusement blatantly clear in his voice.

You gasped, your stomach was tight, your lungs were burning deliciously, you were wildly turned on and that honestly did concern you a little bit.

“I’m literally gonna pee my pants!” You pleaded, laughing so hard that you actually feared that to be true.

“Uh oh, better say those words fast then…” He said, determined not to relent until you gave it up.

You had began to squeak now, you were gasping for breath so hard and you were terrified that you were going to snort if he didn’t stop.

“Aaron!”

“Yes?”

Smug son of a bitch.

“I love you…” You mumbled.

He stumbled briefly, but then redoubled his efforts.

“What was that?” He teased. “I couldn’t hear you. Someone is laughing too loudly. I wonder who that could be?”

“Aaron…” You groaned, and he chuckled, not stopping for a second making you cackle and you were certain the entire station could hear you. “Fine, I said: I love you.”

“A little louder, Honey? You know I’m hard of hearing…” You could feel the smile on his lips against your neck and you knew damn well that he heard you the first two times.

“You insufferable, stubborn, fucking gorgeous old man, I said: I LOVE YOU!!!!” You shouted as loud as your oxygen deprived lungs would allow.

“Finally!” He murmured, as he flipped you around, pressing your back to the door as he crushed his lips against yours in a searing kiss.

Five very familiar voices began cheering just outside the door and you knew they’d been listening the entire time.

But you did not care.

Not as Aaron pulled away from you, just enough that he could look into your eyes.

“I love you too, Sweetheart.” He declared and the fire in his eyes let you know that he meant it.

#mal’s dream journal #mal dreams #dream a little dream #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #aaron hotch hotchner #hotch x reader #angst with a happy ending #aaron hotchner fluff #hotch fluff #fluff #aaron hotchner fanfic

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 8 days ago

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Begging and pleading for reader hosting a dinner for the team since they just finished a rough case. No one knows her and Hotch are together, but start getting suspicious when he just?? Knows where everything is in the apartment?? Like he’s been there before??

right at home

i loveee a classic the-team-is-finding-out 🤭 cw; fem bau!reader, established relationship, mentions of food and drinking, fluff <3 wc; 1k

Sometimes, a little team bonding was the only thing needed to recover from a tough week.

After a brutal case that left everyone with a bad taste in their mouth, you jumped at the opportunity to host a gathering at your apartment. It was clear no one wanted to go home just yet; the darkness of the case hung over your heads and made the idea of being alone so soon unbearably daunting.

It wasn't anything extravagant, coming straight from the jet; ordering delivery from a local cafe - a slight, healthier alternative to the usual takeout consumed on cases. Forgoing formal seating at your kitchen table and instead crowding on the carpet around your coffee table, a movie playing in the background, offered a casual and comfy atmosphere.

Sitting next to Aaron, you wished you could lean over and rest your head against his shoulder. Just for a second. Just long enough to breathe out some of the weight clinging to your ribs. You were glad the team was comforted by being together, but all you needed was Aaron. Only him and then you would be able to put this case in the past.

Plus, it's been a few days since you’d been physically affectionate. Long days in the precinct and out in the field made finding a private moment impossible, and with the team unaware of your relationship, it was impractical to do so much as hold his hand without being behind a closed door.

Little did they know, his overnight bag lay discreetly in your bedroom.

As if he could hear your thoughts, his eyes found yours, a gentleness to them as he silently checked in. Your own eyes briefly softened, relaying that you were fine.

"I'm so happy you all made it home to me unharmed and all in one piece." Penelope commented, her eyes flashing with relief. "Thank good gracious that's over."

"You and us both baby girl," Derek answered, dipping a veggie in some dressing. But as condiments with a thin consistency often did, it dripped off his piece of celery and onto the carpet before he could bring it to his mouth.

He grimaced, an apology in his eyes as they shot to yours. "Shit, I'm sorry mamas."

You waved it off, bringing your knees up to your chest and hugging them. "No worries. Nothing a bit of carpet cleaner can't fix."

"I got it." Aaron didn't hesitate, scrambling up and heading to your hall closet.

The quiet hum of conversation continued on. But after a moment, JJ’s expression shifted; a flash of confusion appearing so abruptly, it was impossible to miss.

How did Hotch know where you kept your cleaning supplies?

"JJ?" Emily asked, her wine glass pausing at her lips. "Something wrong?"

"No." She tentatively shook her head, but her eyes stayed on you, searching your face as if trying to read the things you weren’t saying.

And you weren't saying much. Oblivious to JJ's stare, you weren't acting out of the ordinary at all - taking a sip of your drink, eyes flickering back and forth amongst the conversation. But as Aaron re-entered the room, your face lit up the smallest amount. He handed the carpet scrubber to Morgan, and reclaimed his spot next to you.

You looked relaxed, happy.

Aaron did as well. Too relaxed and too happy, as if he felt at home.

JJ did, however, nudge Emily with an elbow. One that read: start paying attention.

"Morgan, make sure you-"

"I know how to clean a carpet, Hotch." Derek bantered quickly, causing a smile to tug on the ends of Aaron's lips, cheekily looking in your direction as a laugh escaped you. Satisfaction pulled onto his face.

Emily's eyebrows rose. Oh.

The next instance that brought questioning, you all had congregated to the kitchen - another round of drinks for some. As Emily distributed the wine, Aaron took it upon himself to help you rinse off dishes and put them away. Handling it in advance, and saving the two of you time later.

As far as the rest of the team was aware, this was the first time you’d had any of them over. Usually, everybody would meet at Dave's house (mansion, he would correct) or eat out at one of the many establishments populating DC.

But Aaron acted with practiced ease. He didn't ask you where something belonged, no lost expressions filled his face as he tried to determine where something maybe belonged. He just knew.

Spencer's eyes followed him, weighing all the variables. Sure, your dishes were in the closest cupboard to your sink; logically that made sense. Rather convenient, a quick and easy unload, especially given at your height. Was it common sense, or prior knowledge?

But what did he know? Genius or not, he’d never been good at reading subtle cues like those.

Aaron's hand even brushed the small of your back as he passed - something that could've easily been dismissed as a casual, friendly gesture - the kind people make when squeezing by. But there was a quiet familiarity to it, a natural ease, as if he'd done it countless times before.

"Are you heading out too?" Dave asked Aaron, his eyes narrowing at him in suspicion. It had gotten late, and everyone had begun streaming out - grabbing coats and tossing goodbyes left and right.

Meanwhile, Aaron lingered quietly in the background, his shoulder pressed lazily against the wall with his arms loosely folded. There was no urgency in his posture - just a calm stillness, as if he had all the time in the world and nowhere in particular to be.

"Why wouldn't I?" Aaron feigned confusion, suddenly debating putting his shoes on to make it more believable.

But he was soon distracted by you - giggling wildly as Penelope refused to release you from her tipsy embrace. Your laughter echoed through the room, unbothered and bright, as JJ - her ride home - attempted to unlatch her from you. Aaron's lips lifted in an almost-there smile.

"Mhm." That answered that. Dave smirked, a wise and knowing glint in his eyes. "Hope you two have a good night."

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 8 days ago

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“How am I a whore?”

WELL. SINCE YOU ASKED MR. FBI-POSTER-BOY, I PRESENT MY CASE.

*Puts glasses on*

Upon encountering a cute woman you go from wearing long sleeve crew necks to short-sleeved-open-necked GRAY (because you know what grey does to us) thin t-shirts. (You slut)

Next, YOUR VERSION—MR. TAKE-YOUR-TIE-OFF-FOR-ONCE-IN-YOUR-LIFE—OF DRESSING UP IS NOT WEARING ONE (a tie) AND UNDOING THE BUTTON ON YOUR SHIRT.

(Whore behavior if I’ve ever seen it. Am I rite?)

I SEE THAT V-NECK! Hmm… Interesting that you started wearing such…revealing…clothing only AFTER you are interested in a cute girl. (Gigolo)

In conclusion, Mr. Spock, your version of dressing up is showing skin. Note the significant amount of neck showing above. (Forgive my generalization for the sake of humor) THATS SOMETHING ONLY WHORES DO!

(How much for an hour? OR PUT IT AWAY BEFORE SOMEONE—ME—BITES IT . You slut)

Love BITES,

-⋁∧𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖆∧⋁

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 9 days ago

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THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 100 FOLLOWERS!!! I’m so grateful!!! I cannot believe it! I have a very busy weekend ahead of me, but next week you can expect a couple fics of appreciation!

#criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds fanfic #100 followers #thanks for the interest #thank you

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 9 days ago

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AAAAAAHHHHHH THANKS SO MUCH BABES!!! Love you!!! 💜💜💜💜

COOOOOONGRATS TO @maladaptive-daydreamer-23 FOR HITTING 100 FOLLOWERS!!

HOTCH FOR YOU BABYYYY

#criminal minds #aaron hotchner #this is the cutest thing ever #100 followers

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 9 days ago

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So sorry love 😅💜

Ask Me Again

A/N: Today’s dose of Hotch angst was brought to you literally by a Disney song. Did I cry writing this? Maybe. Was my intent to make you cry? Of course not! 😉 Do I really hope you enjoy it? Absolutely!

Love,

Mal 🩶

Thank you for being so supportive and beta reading @cringeiknow

Warnings: Age gap of ten years, mentions of weight loss and poor eating habits, failed proposal, breakup??? Kinda, miscommunication and misunderstandings. One mention of unprotected sex that did not occur on page.

Tags: ANGSTTTTT, Fluff at the end, these two idiots are so in love, they just need a little help figuring it out. Reader is female. Appearance is nondescript.

WC: 8k

Ao3

Back to Mal’s Masterlist

It’d been two months since you’d broken Aaron Hotchner’s heart. Two months since you’d just stood there and looked at him, in complete shock and silence. Two months since you should have said something, anything! It didn’t have to be yes or no. Just “I love you, but I’m not ready.”

He would have understood.

Of course he would have! He was the most understanding and patient man you knew.

But you froze.

Panicked.

You had seen the light fade from his eyes, the smile fall from his lips. The tears that filled his eyes.

It hadn’t been a “no.” Just a “not yet.”

But you hadn’t spoken up in time, couldn’t get your heart, mind, and mouth on the same page.

You were… confused.

It had blind sided you, truthfully. You hadn’t ever suspected that he was even thinking about…

Marriage.

You certainly hadn’t been.

Sure, in the future, of course! But you had thought you had a few more years, not months. You were so much younger than him, your career was just starting, you had so much left to do and accomplish before settling down. You had definitely contemplated marrying him, someday, but you hadn’t been ready!

And now… things would never be the same.

He had gotten up and then he had walked away.

And you had watched him go.

You hadn’t known what to say. You still didn’t. So you hadn’t.

He hadn’t reached out either.

There were so many times, over the last few months, where you had thought about picking up the phone and calling him. Late at night when you were lonely and the only thing you had to comfort you was a white dress shirt of his that he’d misplaced at your apartment. He would’ve answered, you knew deep down that he would have. Not once in your entire relationship had he failed to answer your calls. But you were too afraid of the possibility that this time he wouldn’t, so you would put on the shirt and cry yourself to sleep.

One day, about three weeks ago, you had made it all the way to his office door. But if he had wanted to speak to you, if he had wanted to hear an explanation, or entertain your excuses…

He would have asked you, and he hadn’t.

So you had just stood there, fist raised, ready to knock. Staring at his name on the door and wishing you had a spine. For five whole minutes. You had been able to feel the team’s eyes on your back. Rossi had even come out of his office, leaned back against the railing and watched you.

Then you had chickened out. Shook your head, with tears falling down your cheeks, and walked away.

The two of you had ignored each other. Kind of. It wasn’t… hostile. It was passive. You were both hurting. That was obvious to everyone. However, you didn’t take it out on each other, you didn’t argue. You were congenial and polite. You still went to team events and get togethers if the other was going to be there. For the sake of the team, you hadn’t let things become bitter or angry between you.

You just didn’t go out of your way to speak to each other either.

You used to be his field partner, he would always pair you with himself, just so he could spend a little more time with you on busy cases. Unless there was something he needed to send you with someone else for. He would rest his elbow on the center console in the SUV and either hold your hand, or grip your thigh. Only when the others weren’t in the car.

Not anymore though.

The Monday after the night you’d said nothing, he had paired you with Morgan, and he had taken Prentiss.

That had cut you to the bone.

It had tipped the rest of the team off too.

When he and Prentiss had left, your knees had buckled, and you had collapsed to the floor. Or you would have, had Morgan not had great reflexes.

“Woah, easy there.” He’d said as he supported your weight, pulling you to his chest and holding you while you sobbed. “What just happened?”

He hadn’t been asking you. You were too distraught to respond.

“I- I think they’re fighting?” Reid had murmured, unsure and quiet.

“This isn’t just a fight…” Rossi had whispered. “Give her some space.”

So no one had questioned you about it.

Not when you cried at random for the next month–like when you would think of something funny and go to text him, only to realize you couldn’t just do that anymore—they just tried not to stare. Not when you’d cut and dyed your hair—because you couldn’t forget the way it used to look when he would twirl it around his fingers idly—they had just told you it looked nice. Not when you’d stopped eating lunch with them—you couldn’t stomach sitting across from Aaron and remembering how he used to squeeze your thigh under the table—they always asked though, you just said you weren’t hungry. They had given you space… but they still offered you companionship.

But nothing they did could fill the gaping hole that Aaron had left in your heart.

You’d memorized that night, that horrible ten minutes that had altered the course of your life for good. You’d studied it, picked it apart in your head, gone over all the ways that the outcome could have been different.

You wished you could go back and make it right, you wished you could go back and say yes.

Never in a million years had he ever imagined that you wouldn’t say yes. He loved you, and he had been so sure that you loved him just as much. So when you had just… stood there, blinking at him in… terror?

He was confused, for a moment, and then he’d realized that you weren’t going to say yes.

So he’d waited… for a reason, an explanation, a simple not yet!

But you hadn’t said a word.

His heart had felt like it had been ripped from his chest and thrown in a blender. Still beating.

And he hadn’t wanted to cry in front of you. Not because he thought that was something to be ashamed of—he’d cried in front of you many times before—but because he hadn’t wanted his emotions to manipulate your answer. You were a fixer, that's what you did, whether you meant to or not. If someone was hurting, you did everything in your power to make it right. He didn’t want you to say yes just because he would be hurt if you didn’t.

So he had left.

He’d had the ring for months. Dave and Jess had helped him pick it out, helped him plan the proposal and everything. When he’d come home that night without you, they’d both been waiting in his living room, hoping to congratulate you. So when he’d sat the ring box down on the kitchen table, and walked past them to his room, they'd known it hadn’t gone according to plan.

He’d gotten in the shower, and he’d cried. He didn’t even bother to completely undress. Just wanting the heat and noise of the water so he could cry in peace.

He cried until the water ran cold.

Then he’d pulled it together and he’d gotten redressed. He’d gone to the living room, where Jess and Dave were still waiting, and he’d just sat down in front of them.

“She said no?” Jess asked, in total disbelief. “What happened? Did she say why?”

“Jess…” Dave had laid a hand on her arm. “Give him a minute.”

So he’d taken a minute to figure out how to even explain, when he didn’t understand it himself. He’d been so sure…

“She didn’t say anything.” He’d murmured after a moment. “She just stood there and looked at me… like she was terrified. I didn’t know what to think. I waited for an explanation, an answer, anything. She just stood there, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t take it. So I left.”

“Oh Aaron, I’m sorry…” Jess murmured. “But she didn’t say no… so maybe??”

He’d just shook his head.

“You didn’t see her Jess. She didn’t say no… but it was in her eyes.” He’d whispered.

“Are you gonna try to talk to her, Aaron?” Dave had wondered. “I think you should, this isn’t like her… she loves you. I’m sure there’s a reason.”

“I might, I don’t know. I feel like I need to wait for her to come to me…” He reasoned. “She obviously wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.”

So he waited.

He waited all weekend and you never called, you didn’t even send a text. He checked his phone obsessively. It was the first time in four years you hadn’t told him good night and good morning. He barely slept, not wanting to miss it if you called.

That Monday morning, you hadn’t sat next to him at the briefing, or on the jet, and he’d thought… this is it, we’re over, she’s done. And he figured, you wouldn’t want to be alone with him, so he had assigned you to be Morgan’s partner for that case, and he’d taken Prentiss. He’d walked away with tears streaming down his face.

He’d flinched every time she spoke in the car, each word a stark reminder that you weren’t where you should’ve been.

Prentiss–at least at first–had the good sense to let it be.

But over the next few weeks he’d had to come clean and tell them all what had happened, his version of it anyway. He didn’t know what you’d told them. Apparently nothing, because they’d been confused and shocked as well. They checked on him constasdntly, asking occasionally if he was gonna talk to you. He had told them he was waiting for any sign that you wanted him to.

Then he’d noticed you withering away…

You were only picking at your food—when he saw you eat at all—even things he knew to be your favorite. He knew if he were to wrap his arms around your waist, it would feel thinner than it had the last time he’d done it. The day you had come in to work after you’d cut and dyed your hair he’d been speechless. Not because he thought it looked bad—you would always look perfect to him, no matter what your hair looked like—he was speechless because he’d always told you how much it soothed him to play with the ends of it when he was anxious or bored. And you’d cut it off. He’d wanted to tell you it looked pretty, or that it suited you. Even just ‘your hair looks nice,’ would do! Literally anything that gave him a single reason to talk to you.

But you didn’t seem to want any attention from him and now it had been two months.

He just wished he could go back to that moment, and ask some questions… Like, why are you so scared? Or is it me you’re scared of? (He knew he’d never given you a reason to be, but the obvious fear in your eyes had made him doubt.) He wished he'd given you more time, more understanding.

He wished he hadn’t walked away from you.

It was your anniversary. Or it would have been.

Four years since your first date.

You were on a case—just like you had been that day four years ago—and Aaron was looking so good. (Much like he had back then.) Which clearly made things twice as hard.

He was wearing that stupid fucking navy button up, with black slacks. His sleeves rolled up to mid forearm as he sorted through case files and evidence on the table in front of him. The glare of sunlight from the window kept reflecting off the face of his watch and directly into your eyes, drawing them where they shouldn’t linger.

Soon you found yourself staring at his face, studying him, wondering why you hadn’t just… said yes…

His brow was pinched in that way that you knew meant something wasn’t adding up to him. His jaw flexing and his eyes squinting, you knew what that meant. He was getting a tension headache from staring at the small font and jumbled handwriting on all these files. You wondered where he’d left his reading glasses—he was horrible about keeping up with them—knowing they would help him, if only a bit. You would have JJ offer him some ibuprofen and a bottle of water later. You could trust her to make sure he drank it. Knowing him, he’d only drank coffee for the last several days. Running on caffeine and sheer will, as was his specialty. He’d be dehydrated. You had always been the one to remind him to take care of himself during tough cases, otherwise he wouldn’t… Even though he still took care of you.

He cleared his throat, and you realized he was staring back at you.

“Problem?” He asked, his tone soft even though he kept his question short.

“Uh, no… it’s…” You scrambled for any reason as to why you were staring, when you no longer had that right. You couldn’t ask him where his glasses were, or tell him he should drink some water, that wasn’t your place anymore…“Your watch keeps blinding me, I was trying to come up with a nice way to ask you to step to the left a little.”

“A nice way?” He queried, his voice full of confusion and maybe a little hurt. “You could have just asked, I would have moved. It's not a problem.”

“I know… I just…” You stammered, great, now you’d upset him. “I didn’t want you to think I was being rude, or that I was angry over it. I– Nevermind, it's not a big deal, I’ll just move…”

You got up to switch seats, but he was already moving.

“No, sit, it's fine. I can move.” He stepped to the left, blocking the sunlight from his watch face.

“Thank you.” You murmured, and offered him a timid smile.

“Of course.” He mumbled back, his eyes going back to the table in front of him.

The smile fell from your face and you looked away. Noticing, as you did, that the entire team was looking back and forth between you… very uncomfortably. All offering you comforting looks. You felt tears welling up in your eyes. One escaped without permission, rolling down your cheek like acid.

You wouldn’t do this again. You wouldn’t cry in front of them. You refused to subject him, of all people, to your tears. This whole thing was your fault… you had no right to cry. Not in front of him.

So you left the room, making your way to the station’s ladies room.

You had only been alone for thirty seconds when JJ came in behind you. You wiped at your face, trying to hide the tears that were rebelling against you.

“You okay?” She murmured, walking up behind you and wrapping her arms around you in a hug. Resting her chin on your shoulder.

And that was all it took for the floodgates to open.

You rested your head against hers and you sobbed. Violently.

She just held you, letting you get it out.

“I love him.” You whimpered pathetically after several minutes. “God, I love him. I fucked up so bad, JJ…”

“What happened?” She asked.

“He didn’t tell anyone?” You returned.

“He did… but I want to hear it from you.” She said, “I think, maybe… you two have your wires crossed.”

“I just stood there.” You murmured. “He asked me to marry him… and I didn’t say a word. I was, I don't know… Stunned? Shocked? Definitely confused… I didn’t think we were… I didn’t even know he was thinking about marriage! I love him! And I want to be with him! Forever, if possible! But I panicked… because… I’m not ready… JJ, I'm ten years younger than him… and I am just getting started and I have so many things left to accomplish in life, and I’m just not ready to be… married. But when I am… I want it to be him and if he were ever to ask me again… I would say yes… I can’t live with myself for losing him.”

“Oh, honey, maybe you should tell him that.” She suggested, stroking your hair gently.

You shook your head.

“No, that’s not fair to him. He’s obviously choosing to move on.” You disagreed. “He’s had two months to process his emotions and if he wanted an explanation he would have asked, he’s never been afraid of hard conversations. So I won’t force him to deal with my regret, I can move on like a big girl, I made my bed and I’ll lie in it.”

“Sweetie, you know I love ya… But that's a really stupid reason not to try…” She admitted. “I think if the opportunity presents itself, you should try.”

“I’ll think about it.” You told her, as if that hadn’t been the sole focus of your mind for the last two months.

“Good.” She squeezed you a little tighter, then let you go. “You ready to head back in there?”

You nodded, but then caught sight of yourself in the mirror.

“Oh God, I’m a mess.” You groaned and she smiled.

“I’ll help you.” She offered and together you set about fixing your makeup.

Today was harder than most, and he knew it was because of the date. Your anniversary.

On this day, four years ago, he’d finally decided that the reward outweighed the risk, and he’d asked you to go get a drink with him at the hotel bar. He hadn’t intended to end up in your bed that night—he wasn’t one to make a trip around all four bases on a first date—but he had never regretted it. His only regret was walking away.

He’d planned to take you on a trip for this anniversary, he had planned to tell you about it this morning and whisk you away for the week, having already approved your time off. But that was before…

And now here you both were, having awkward conversations about watches and sunlight, walking on eggshells like one of you might break if a wrong word was spoken.

He guessed that was fairly accurate actually, and apparently, ‘of course’, were the wrong words to say to ‘thank you.’

Because those words seemed to have caused you to flee the room in tears and he felt helpless.

He had tried to go after you, he’d taken two steps toward the door.

“Aaron.” Dave had said quietly. “Let her go. She doesn’t want you to see her cry, that's why she left.”

He hated that he was no longer the person you allowed to dry your tears. He used to kiss them away, then pepper your cheeks with kisses until you started to laugh instead.

But you didn’t want that from him anymore…

So he nodded and then he sat down, dropping his head into his hands on the table.

“What did I say wrong?” He murmured, to whoever could provide him with an answer.

“Nothing…” Prentiss offered quietly.

“Then why-”

“It wasn’t what you said, Hotch.” She interrupted. “She smiled at you… and you didn’t smile back. You always used to smile at her, even when you were stressed.”

He had… Your mere presence had always been enough to bring a smile to his face.

“I didn’t see it! If I had, I would have smiled too. God, I’ve been waiting two months for her to show any sign that she wants me to talk to her! I just didn’t see it!” He explained.

You had smiled at him? You hadn’t done that in months. Not since the night that started this mess. Maybe… maybe there was hope?

“Should I go to her?” He asked. “Tell her I didn’t see…”

“Well, she went into the women's bathroom…” Reid pointed out. “The one place you legally cannot follow her. So I would say, no…”

“I’ll go Aaron…” JJ offered, “Just to make sure she’s alright?”

Hotch nodded, and then murmured, “Please, I- I can’t stand that she’s in there alone. Not when I know she’s hurting…”

JJ nodded and followed you without another word.

“Ya know, if you’ve been waiting for a sign… You must be pretty blind… cause that girl has been throwing up flares and screaming sos.” Derek said bluntly.

The room went silent, and Aaron looked at Derek.

“What do you mean?” He asked, and he was not offended. He was too desperate for answers to worry about his own ego at this point. Too desperate to have you back in his arms, where you belonged.

“Look at her Hotch, she dyed her hair, she cut it. She’s noticeably lost weight. She's not eating lunch with us anymore, she never smiles—Christ, that was the first one I’ve seen from her in two months—she cries like six times a day. Not that you would know that, she hides from you when she cries. She follows you with her eyes, constantly… like a kicked puppy. She is a walking cry for help. Just freaking bite the bullet and go talk to her man! If it goes well—Halle-fucking-lujah—this whole mess is over! If it doesn’t, at least you tried.” Derek preached, each word a blow to Aaron’s heart.

He knew you’d dyed your hair, cut it, he could tell you’d lost weight… he knew you weren’t okay… but the other things, the signs that the help you wanted was still his to give… he’d missed them. He hadn’t noticed the toll it was taking on the team either…

“Amen!” Emily seconded as though this were church or something.

Hotch glanced over at Dave, wanting his opinion.

“I’m with them, actually.” He crossed his arms, “Just let her get her emotions under control first.”

“Okay…” He murmured. “I’ll talk to her.”

You and JJ were gone for nearly forty minutes.

In that time, they’d gotten a possible credible tip on the tip line. So he’d sent Morgan, Rossi, Reid and Prentiss to check it out. The press had gotten wind of it in the first five minutes somehow.

The first thing he noticed when you entered the room was that your face was bare, red and a little puffy. You’d cried so hard you’d had no choice but to wash your makeup off.

He cleared his throat and you looked toward him.

“JJ, I need you to manage the press, we’ve got a leak somewhere. They haven’t released anything yet, but they’re blowing up my phone.” He told her, without ever taking his eyes off of you.

“Yes sir.” She murmured and then left the room just as quickly and quietly as she’d entered it.

You and he just looked at each other for a moment.

In that moment he could see the regret and the grief and the longing in your eyes, and he knew…

The others were right, he’d been blind.

This was the first time you’d been alone with him in two months. Your heart was pounding out of your chest as he just looked at you. His expression unreadable, even to you.

You cleared your throat and looked away briefly, blinking back new tears.

“Where are the others?” You asked, anything to keep his piercing eyes from discerning too much.

“Checking a tip we got that might be credible.” He answered you quietly.

“Is- is there anything I can do?” You asked again, then looked back at him.

He was still just watching, studying.

“Yes, actually, I was going to ask you to help me run out to grab dinner for the team. I’ll need help carrying everything and I’m pretty sure Prentiss was about to gnaw her own arm off. She might sacrifice Reid if we don’t have food when she gets back.” He joked, and he almost sounded nervous.

So you laughed.

And he smiled.

“Of course.” You said through giggles, and then he walked at your side all the way to the SUV.

Where he opened the door for you and offered you a hand to help you inside, and you hoped it wasn’t just a habit.

The silence in the car was loaded. Both of you anxiously fidgeting in your own way. This felt so wrong. It had NEVER been this weird when you were together, even at the beginning. You used to make food runs like this all the time, sometimes chatting, others just enjoying the comfort of sitting together in silence. This was different, there were so many unsaid words hanging in the air between you…

“How have you–”

“You look nice tod–”

You both spoke at the same time.

“I’m sorry–”

It happened again. You looked over at him and scrunched your face up like, ‘this is so weird…’

“You go first.” He suggested, offering you a soft smile.

You blushed… What you were going to say had been… risky.

“I- uh- I was just gonna say that- ya know what, it wasn’t important. What were you going to say?” You fumbled, looking anywhere but at him, and picking at a loose thread on your pants.

“No, go ahead, I want to know.” He insisted. “I spoke over you, you know I hate doing that.”

He did… He always made sure that he waited patiently until you had completely finished your thought. Even if what he had to say was logically more important. He never treated it that way.

“Actually I’m pretty sure I spoke over you…” You murmured softly, absolving him of any guilt. “But I was just going to say that you look nice today, that was always my favorite outfit of yours.”

“Oh.” He said quietly. “You never told me that.”

You’d never told him because it embarrassed you that an outfit affected you the way this one did… and you definitely couldn’t tell him that now. The silence grew too tense and you didn’t know what to say so you changed the subject.

“What were you going to say?” You asked.

“How have you been? We haven’t really… talked.” He questioned, so, so carefully.

You glanced over at him, his eyes were on the road, but every ten seconds or so they would flit your way.

“I- Um.” You wet your lips and then bit the bottom one. “I’m alright.”

“Are you?” He asked again. “Truthfully.”

You nodded.

“Yeah, I’m good, Aaron. Really.” You insisted.

“Please don’t lie.” He whispered quietly. “I can take it.”

You felt a sharp pain in your chest, he had never accused you of dishonesty before.

You looked back over at him fully this time and there was this… agony, on his face.

“What makes you think I would lie to you about that?” You asked a little defensively. “I’ve never lied to you before, and even if I was, it's my problem, not yours.”

You saw the hurt on his face, as though you had physically struck him.

“You aren’t eating.” He said through gritted teeth. “And even though I’m not your… anymore. I am still your unit chief. So yes, it is my problem, you’ve noticeably lost weight and it’s my job to make sure that you’re fit for duty.”

Had you really lost weight? You hadn’t noticed… but for him to question whether or not you were fit for duty, it pissed you off. More than it should’ve.

“Is that what this is about? The job?!” You demanded. “You're gonna play that card?”

He gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white.

“If that’s what I have to do to get a straight answer out of you and know whether or not you’re gonna be okay, then yes! I will play that card!” He insisted, his voice tense and quiet.

He wouldn’t yell at you. You knew that, he never had before and even now that wasn’t going to change. Even if you wished he would.

“Fine.” You muttered. “No, I am not eating much, I can’t. It makes me sick pretty much every time.”

His eyes grew wide and he immediately pulled the car over to the side of the road and parked.

“Are you pregnant?” He blurted, studying you even closer now.

“What?!?” You looked at him as though he were insane. You didn’t even know what to say about that.

“Four nights before I proposed, we had sex in the hotel during the case and I didn’t have a condom.” He said as though that cleared everything up. “And now it's been two months, you don’t have an appetite, you’re crying six and seven times a day and suddenly you’re watching me with this look! Like you have something to tell me but you’re scared! So what am I supposed to think?”

“Not that!” You exclaimed. “I’m not pregnant Aaron! I swear, I just got off my period.”

“Then why aren’t you eating?” He asked.

He was so thick headed sometimes.

“Because Aaron! I’m grieving! I know you probably don’t think I have the right to do that. But I cannot help it!” You knew you were raising your voice at him and you knew that wasn’t fair while he remained calm but you couldn’t help it.

“Grieving?” He whispered, that pained look crossing his face again and making you wish that you still had the right to smooth it away…

“Yes Aaron! Our relationship died overnight and I’m grieving it! I’m sorry that it's taking me longer than you to get over it, but some people can’t just walk away and not look back!” You accused, fighting back tears again.

You knew that wasn’t fair, but it wasn’t fair of him to do this to you either. It felt like he was torturing you. Acting like he still cared, when he hadn’t reached out to you… When he had been the one to walk away… You knew that at the root of it all, everything was your fault. He didn’t have to act like it wouldn’t affect you though.

“I can’t.” You muttered and got out of the car, slamming the door and walking back toward the station that was only about a mile back down the road.

Aaron got out of the car and followed you, closing his door much more gently than you had. You were angry at him now… good. You’d always been bluntly honest with him when you were angry, and he needed to know exactly what was going on inside your head.

“Where are you going?” He called, not letting his voice rise above a conversational tone.

“Back to the station.” You answered flippantly, not bothering to look back.

“No you aren’t. It’s a mile away. Get back in the car.” He said softly, but you didn’t stop. “Stop, please, and get back in the car, it's dangerous to do this on the side of the road.”

You kept trudging forward, gait a little unsteady as you walked on the uneven ditch bank.

“We’re not doing this at all Aaron, I thought we could, but I can’t. Not if you only care because it’s your job!” You tossed back over your shoulder.

He was stunned.

“Is that what you think?” He asked, how had you gotten that impression?

He had been trying to tell you how much he still cared this whole time!

“It's what you said!” You insisted. “You said, you had to make sure I was fit for duty!”

“That is not what I said! Not all of it!” He felt his voice rising, felt himself getting frustrated. “I said that if I had to play that card to make sure that you were okay, I would! That's entirely different!”

“Well I’m not okay, Aaron! Are you happy?! Is that what you wanted to hear?!” You shouted, marching down the side of the busy highway.

Traffic was zooming by and you were making him nervous, he couldn’t focus on the conversation when you were one wrong step—one distracted driver—from a fatal accident. He ran to cover the last few feet between you.

“Of course not!” He snapped back, finally catching up and grabbing your arm, pulling you away from the edge of the road to safety. “You think it wasn’t torture for me all these weeks, not being able to ask you myself how you were doing? Having to send the others back and forth to check on you!”

You didn’t fight him, just let him drag you up the other side of the ditch bank. Trusting him instinctively, as if this were a normal fight, and you hadn’t almost completely disappeared from each other’s lives.

“Why didn’t you just come talk to me?” You asked him, tears streaming down your face. “I waited for you to call me! To ask for an explanation! To want to talk to me about it! Why didn’t you just ask me yourself!”

Is that why you’d pulled so far away from him? Because he hadn’t brought it up?

“I was waiting for you!” He exclaims. “I didn’t think you wanted to talk about it, you obviously didn’t that night!”

You had that look in your eyes now, the one that said you were about to blow a gasket. You had only looked at him like that once, but if you were looking at him like that now, then it meant there was something left worth fighting for.

“You walked away from me! You left me standing there confused!” Your tears had soaked your cheeks, and were dripping down onto your blouse. He would’ve given anything to make them go away, especially knowing he was causing them.

“I waited for nearly five minutes in silence! I stood there, waiting for you to say something! Anything! And you just stood there! You clearly weren’t ready to discuss it and I needed some space! I poured my heart out to you and you just stared at me!” He could feel tears of his own running into his nose and mouth.

“I didn’t say no!” You yelled and the sound was so rage filled and agonized that he froze. “I was scared Aaron! I’m in my twenties! You’re nearly forty! I have not had the same amount of time as you to live! I still have things I want to do, places and things I want to see! Marrying you right now would probably end my career! Or at least put it on hold! We had NEVER talked about marriage seriously! I thought it was YEARS away! I was shocked, you blindsided me, I had so much to think about and you only gave me five minutes and then you walked! I agonized over it all weekend and I waited for you to call me and check in! Demand an explanation! Ask to talk! Ask me LITERALLY ANYTHING! You didn’t! So I figured you needed space! And then that Monday, you didn’t choose me! You chose Prentiss and then you walked away and left me with Morgan! That made it pretty clear to me that you were done with me! So of course I never said a goddamn thing!”

He couldn’t- were- were you… serious?! How could he ever be done with you? You were his whole world, you were EVERYTHING!

“I was not done with you!” He heard the disgust in his tone that his heart felt at that phrase. “I will never be done with you! I thought you needed space! You stopped sitting next to me, you wouldn’t even look at me during the briefing or on the jet! I tried to get your attention so many times! I did want to talk to you about it, but I didn’t want to corner you! When you started avoiding me I thought that you were done with me! And in my defense, I proposed to you and you didn’t say yes! That’s usually a pretty good indicator that you don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone!”

You threw your hands up in the air.

“And I fucking hate myself for it!” You screamed. “If I could go back I would say yes! A thousand times I would say yes! Because I cannot live without you, Aaron! I don’t know how! So I am stuck here in this HELL, where I am so in love with you, but we’re not together and it’s all my fault because I couldn’t just open my mouth and say words!!!!”

“You still love me?” The breath left his lungs in a rush, and he wouldn’t draw another one until you answered.

“Of course I do!” You snapped, panting heavily, tears steadily falling.

He didn’t know when he’d decided to move, but before he registered the motion, he had you in his arms and was kissing you with all the built up longing and desire he’d been holding in for two months.

All you could taste were tears. Yours and his.

You couldn’t bring yourself to care as you tugged him closer, parting your lips for him and letting him kiss you breathless. On the side of the road.

“I missed you so fucking much…” He murmured against your lips, threading his hand into your hair and pressing you closer with the other. “I missed these lips, I missed this hair—no matter what color, or length it is—I missed your laugh, I missed your smile, I missed your hands, I missed touching you, I missed talking to you, I missed fighting with you! I just missed you!”

He punctuated every confession with a kiss and your heart was singing in your chest.

You whimpered into his mouth, and sobbed harder.

“I missed you too.” You whispered. “I’m so sorry!”

You would apologize a hundred times–a thousand times–if that's what it took to make things right.

“No baby, I’m sorry!” He murmured between kisses, holding you tighter. “I shouldn’t have sprung that on you and especially not without making certain we were on the same page. Clearly we weren’t. I wish I could go back and do that differently. If you don’t want to get married, we don’t have to get married. It’s just a piece of paper and a few legalities. You’re all I want.”

You pulled your head back and framed his face with your hands. Looking into those warm hazel eyes that had haunted your dreams for the last two months.

“I. Didn’t. Say. No.” You emphasized each word. “I just needed some time to think everything through.”

Tears were streaming down his face one after the other and you could feel them pouring down yours as well.

“Are you saying yes?” He breathed.

“I have some conditions…” You murmured.

“Such as?” He asked and he was trembling.

You stroked his cheek tenderly and he leaned into your touch, as though he were desperate for it.

“From now on, we always talk it out. Immediately. No matter what it is or how awkward it may be. Because I cannot do this again, the last two months were torture.” You whispered.

“Agreed.” He said kissing your forehead. “Anything else?”

You nodded.

“I want a long engagement, I do want to marry you Aaron, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But I’m still just a Special Agent. I want to at least make SSA before we get married, otherwise I won’t be able to unless I transfer to another unit and I don’t want to do that. I want to stay with the team, they’re our family.” You explained.

He nodded, taking your hands from his cheek and kissing your palm.

“I completely understand, Sweetheart. Your career is just as important to me as mine and I want you to know that. Is there anything else?” He asked again.

“Just one…” You murmured quietly, leaning in to him and he rested his forehead against yours.

“Anything baby, you name it. I’ll make it happen.” He swore.

“That’s a big promise, Mr. Hotchner.” You teased, but you knew he meant it.

“I mean it.” He insisted. “I will do anything for you, Sweetheart.”

“I want you to ask me again.” You whispered. “When we get home, I want you to ask again, so I can do it right this time.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong last time, baby.” He murmured. “Not a single thing. But if you want me to, I will.”

“I really do.” You admitted giving him a teary smile. “I love you, Aaron. So much.”

“In that case.” He said, and then he stepped away from you, digging in his left pants pocket and pulling something small out.

He got down on one knee, right there on the bank of a ditch, beside a busy highway.

You gasped in disbelief as he held out a ring. The ring.

“Y-you were just- just carrying that around??” You stuttered.

He nodded, giving you a sheepish grin.

“I’ve had it in my pocket every day since the first time I asked you.” He confessed.

“What? Why?” You asked, heart racing and breathless.

“I don’t really know…” He shrugged. “Hope, I guess.”

“Hope?” It was more of a sob than a question.

“I thought that maybe if I just held onto hope that you still loved me, then you’d come back to me.” He explained. “I think it worked…”

He had never given up on you…

“I never left, baby.” You were still crying, and now you were crying harder. “But I think it worked too.”

“Will you marry me? Not right this second, not even this year or the next… but someday, someday, Sweetheart, will you do me the honor of being my wife?” He asked, with tears and hope in his eyes.

“Yes.” You murmured, biting back a sob. “A million times, yes!”

He slid the ring onto your left hand and then you pulled him to his feet and kissed him again, and again… and again.

And again.

Aaron was on cloud nine.

He could not stop smiling and looking at you… and touching you.

The thing he found himself doing the most though, was kissing the back of your left hand—which he had barely let go of since you’d both gotten back in the vehicle—and staring at the ring that looked so much prettier on your finger than it had off of it. You smiled everytime you caught him.

God, had he missed that smile.

Together, you had gone and gotten plenty of chinese food for the whole team and while he remembered everyone’s orders from years of making these trips, it warmed his heart that you were quietly reminding him of the little details in his ear. Like how Emily liked the spicy sauce with her sushi and JJ didn’t. And how Rossi liked General Zhao’s chicken while Spencer liked the Orange, and Morgan’s absolute favorite was crab rangoon.

On the ride back, you had looked over at him with mischief in your gorgeous eyes.

“I know that look.” He murmured, with a smile. “What’re you up to over there?”

You giggled and his heart felt like it was going to combust.

“I was thinking…” You murmured, that mischief filling your voice too. “Should we tell them? Or… should we see how long it takes them to notice the rock, and the fact that we’re not making them incredibly uncomfortable with our pining and yearning and moping anymore.”

He chuckled.

“Hmmm, let's really put them to the test.” Aaron hummed, smirking at you playfully and kissing your hand again.

“Oh? What did you have in mind?” You asked, your eyes glowing with mirth.

“I’ll start a timer, and we’ll judge them based on how long it takes them.” He suggested.

You cackled maniacally and it made him laugh. He missed that sound.

“Wait, is this really fair? You technically have a rule where we’re not allowed to profile each other…” You reminded him.

“Yes, the rule that only I seem to follow…” He joked.

You scoffed.

“Yeah right!” You called him out. “You are literally the worst of us when it comes to that rule! You break it all the time!”

He chuckled guiltily.

“Okay maybe you’re right.” He admitted.

“Of course I am.” You preened.

Ten minutes later, you were walking beside him and carrying two bags full of food, while he carried the other two. There may have only been six of you, but the team ate enough to feed a small army. He still managed to get all the doors for you, and when you went into the conference room ahead of him he braced for the questions he knew were coming. Sitting down the bags he started a timer. He didn’t dare look at you for too long as you set about passing out food, drinks and chopsticks. He thought surely everyone would notice the ring as you rigged Spencer’s with a rubber band so he could actually use them.

No one said a word.

By the time you’d passed out all the food it’d been five minutes.

You tossed him a quick glance and he couldn’t help but smile at your ‘what the fuck?’ expression. As he looked away, he caught Emily watching him suspiciously. He just raised an eyebrow at her and then looked down at his own food gathering a bite to pick up with his own chopsticks. She narrowed her eyes, then leaned over and murmured in Morgan’s ear, who’s brows rose on his forehead.

It wouldn’t be long now.

“Did the tip pan out?” Hotch took a shot at distracting them.

“No…” Emily said slowly, not buying it. “It didn’t…”

He shrugged.

“Well they rarely do this early, we’ll keep looking.” He said easily.

You sighed contentedly across the room, pulling his attention.

Your left hand was wrapped around the box of takeout and the ring was sparkling in the light from the window… and he just couldn’t resist looking at it.

Apparently neither could you, because you were purposely flashing the light from the reflection in JJ’s eye. Who couldn’t seem to figure out where it was coming from.

“Sweetheart?” He murmured in amusement.

The room stood still, no one even breathed… waiting for tears or a fumbled apology from him.

They’d be waiting a while.

“Hmmm?” You hummed back, looking up at him with joy in your eyes.

He raised his eyebrow at you and flicked his eyes down to the ring. No one reacted but you, smirking mischievously as you blushed at having been caught playing with the ring. Everyone else was too busy looking back and forth between you and him. Holding their breath and waiting for it to all fall apart.

“Can you put your hand down? You’re gonna blind JJ.” He teased softly.

“Oh… You mean, this hand?” You asked, playing along by setting the box down and lifting your hand so the ring caught the light again. “My left hand?”

“Yes, that hand, the rock on it is shining light right in poor JJ’s eyes.” He said playfully.

And then you both waited… for the moment of realization to dawn on any of them.

“WAIT A MINUTE!” Emily leapt from her perch and was across the room in under a second. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!?!?!”

That got everyone else’s attention and they all jumped up to look too. Except for Dave, who already knew what it looked like and was looking at Aaron with a tear in his eye.

“She said yes?” He asked quietly, over the excited chatter from the younger agents.

Aaron looked at you through the cluster of agents and smiled, he found you already smiling back at him as JJ and Emily turned your hand in a million different angles.

“She said yes.”

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 9 days ago

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PHI'S DOLCE VITA

1K Followers Celebration 2.0

Because I’m Italian and I’ve decided that’s everyone else’s problem now. Also because my first 1K celebration flopped harder than my sleep schedule and I'm an overachiever with a grudge. Let’s try this again, va bene?

masterlist

It’s that time of the year again: requests are open, my legs are too, and I’m proudly (not really...) promoting my beautifully messed-up country and every sweaty, sun-drenched stereotype that comes with it!!! So grab your comfiest shoes (we’ll be walking a lot) and send in your requests!

-> Choose your travel buddy: Hotch, Gideon, or Tara

-> Beach/summer-themed prompts are heavily encouraged (I didn’t spend 8+ hours on these graphics for nothing) Bonus forehead kiss if it’s Italy-themed too (but that's not crucial, dw. Still- 🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮🇹🇮��)

-> You want it fluffy? Absolutely. Smutty? I’ll give it my best shot. Platonic? God yes, I live for it. Angsty? No judgement on your masochism. Whumphy? At least there's good pizza. Want some yearning? CAZZO SI'. Pregnant reader? Take it up with someone else, not my ministry.

(Is this just a very thinly veiled excuse to force myself to write shorter stuff and maybe finally understand what a drabble is? Absolutely. Did you expect otherwise? A win is a win.)

Send your request by July 19th!

Travel Dates: July 20–27th

Live, laugh, languish in Roman humidity xoxo

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maladaptive-daydreamer-23 · 9 days ago

Text

Fool for you

A/N: Happy Sunday! I just spent yesterday in London for PRIDE and to see SIX the musical again XD. Hope you enjoy, Amia xx

Pairing: Aaron Hotcher x Clumsy!Reader

Summary: Reader is always caught in the worst situations when Aaron is nearby. Maybe this time is the start of something...

T/W: Reader is accident-prone

You knew being the youngest in an FBI unit was hard. You also knew crushing on a co-worker was hard. What you didn't expect at 23 was to be hopelessly in love with your unit chief, who you only ever seem to be a fool infront of.

This morning, as if by divine intervention, you awoke to find your alarm clock had stopped in the night. You had just barely woken up in time to quickly throw on some clothes, grab you gun and ID badge, trip down the stairs to your apartment (ripping your pantyhose) and throw yourself into the driver seat of your car. And if that wasn't enough, the strap to your handbag snapped in the elevator, spilling your things everywhere.

So here you were, carrying your rather broken handbag in your arms through the bullpen to your desk.

"Uh oh. Here she comes, our very own Hurricane!" Derek starts, reaching out to take a donut from the box Penelope had bought for us all. His nickname for you had been set in stone long ago on your first shift, now every day just seemed to explain why it was yours. You almost start to warn Morgan about your bad attitude but now finally being at work, and not having to stress about being late, had dissipated your anxiety.

"Hi..." You smiled, finally having a moment to put down your broken bag. You needed to sort yourself out because your hair was a mess. It was pulled back into a messy ponytail that was already falling apart due to you sleeping in it.

You heard the tell-tale clack of your boss' door opening and sighed. You had been crushing on SSA Aaron Hotchner for the entire time you had started working under him and he (somehow) always managed to catch you in your worse moments.

In your first week, you had been caught outside the building in the rain. Your pass hadn't worked to let you in and you weren't in the security system yet. You didnt have anyones contact numbers yet and tried several times to reach anyone inside. Hotch had eventually come to your rescue, fixing your pass and allowing you into the building. But not after you had been drenched head to toe. Your mascara running down your face, your hair wet and stuck to you face. Your blouse see through and your shoes squeaky. It was not the lasting impression you had wanted to make. But c'est la vie.

About a month after that, you had an awful period. Feeling cramps for about 2 days before it actually showed up, you were already on your last nerve. Not only had Hotch seen you cry at a vending machine not giving you the milkyway bar you wanted from your last dollar (and again at at sad commercial). But he had also been the one stuck in the field with you when you bled through your new light grey slacks (the first and only time you ever wore light coloured bottoms). Like a gentleman, he didn't draw attention to it. He only shrugged off his jacket, wrapping it around your waist before any of the officers you were with noticed.

The following week, you had gone to drinks with the team. Emily had dragged you onto the dance floor along with JJ and Penelope. At some point the girls had disappeared from your view but you were too busy dancing to notice. Someone had stepped up behind you, calling your name. In a drunken haze, you had reached your arm up behind you, wrapping it around the person neck, pulling them to you as you circled your hips. It took 3 tries of Hotch calling your name before you realised you were grinding your ass against your boss. You had avoided eye contact with him for weeks after that incident. Although in the moment you were sure you saw something along the lines of amusement in his eyes, you couldn't handle the anxiety you had that entire week after.

Today was obviously no better. When you tried to undo the hairband holding your dodgy ponytail together, you pulled too hard and it snagged on your hair. With your grip tight on your hairband and the force behind your tug, you pulled yourself off your own feet. Falling to the floor, you hit just beside your temple on the corner of your desk. You groaned, your head hurting from the yank on your hair and your vision feeling fuzzy at the edges.

"There she goes." Emily chuckles, the lips coated in crumbs from her donut.

"Next time, yell 'Timber' so we know you're going down." JJ muses, giggling to herself, clutching her sides.

You shot them all a glare, sitting up from your place on the floor. You tried to rake through your messy hair with your hands before Hotch could see you, but you were too late. His voice boomed across the bullpen as he calls your name.

"Are you okay?" His voice sent butterflies to your stomach as your embarrassment flushed your face. You could only respond with 'mhmm', moving to stand. "Sit back down." His voice was loud, not harsh but definitely a command.

"I'm fine-" You lift a hand to the spot that hit the table, wincing at the touch. You feel a wave of dizziness at the pain and go to sit on the floor again. Luckily for you, he's already behind you, catching you before you fall too fast. He shifts you quickly into your desk chair, muttering orders to stay still.

Your face drops, feeling sorry for yourself and a little embarrassed. You kept messing up despite everything you tried. You sigh, closing your eyes, trying to will this incident out of existence. When you open your eyes again, Hotch is knelt infront of you.

"You okay, Hurricane?"

"I'm sorry..." Your voice is tiny as your eyes meet his. He only grunts in response, his eyebrows furrowing.

"You're fine. Don't worry about it." He almost laughs. He finds this funny? His face is suddenly very close to yours. You're so close that your already woozy head is filled with the scent of his cologne. It smells good from a distance. But up close? With the smell of him mixed with it? Delicious. With your heady spinning, you barely choke out a thank you. He says something else, not to you, just above you. When you turn to look, you see Spencer's worried eyes and Derek's mildly amused ones.

"Hurricane is a little whirlwind today no?" Derek jokes, his arms crossing over his chest.

"Series of unfortunate events." You grumble, causing laughter amongst the unit. "Stupid alarm clock. Stupid stairs. Stupid pantyhose. Stupid bag. Stupid hairband." Your fingers count off as you list the problematic issues of the morning. Your eyes find Hotch's once more, seeing his eyes shine with the joy hidden under his worry for you.

God, this wasn't helping your crush on him at ALL. You could barely think when he was this close. You can barely think at all when Hotch spoke (if you were honest).

He murmurs something to Rossi before grabbing your broken bag from the desk, "Come on. You hit your head pretty hard and I don't want you working today."

You open your mouth to protest, "If I had a concussion, I shouldn't be left alone in my crappy apartment." Hotch just shakes his head, heading up the short stairs to his office.

Reappearing with his own briefcase, he lead you to the elevator bay, away from the ears of the team. Finally, he replied, looking down at you, "Who said you were gonna be alone? And who said you'd be going back to yours?"

You could only stare at him, jaw slack, eyes bugged as you watched him enter the empty elevator.

"You coming, Hurricane?" He asks, that rare and precious smile of his plastered to his face. Nothing could've held you back from him then. You rushed to his side, your thought screaming at you.

Oh my fucking God. Aaron Hotchner is about to take me home to look after me.

"Why do you look like the cat that got the cream, Agent?" He remarks, his soft hair falling into that cute curl on his forehead, his brown eyes looking into yours.

"Nothing sir." You replied, biting your lip. Not exactly like you could turn around to your boss and say 'Please, let me jump you here in a Federal Building's elevator.'

No you were classier than that. And as much as you just knew, Hotch would fuck you so good against a wall. You couldn't exactly tell him you wanted to test your hypothesis. 'How about you rip my pussy to shreds like you own it? Cause you do, you know?' Yeah. No.

Not a good idea.

Maybe you were delirious.

Maybe it was hitting your head.

Maybe it was that delicious smelling man.

Maybe it was the way he was looking at you.

Did you step back? Or did he push you?

You didn't know. You only knew the soft plush lips of SSA Aaron goddamn Hotchner were grazing that spot on your neck.

You must be dreaming.

Or dead.

Maybe the fall killed you?

Or maybe your trip down the stairs?

Maybe you died in your sleep and that's why you're alarm didn't go off.

Either way. You were definitely. Definitely. Not here.

Because there was no way. No way. That you were making out with your boss right now.

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