malicemuffin

[malicemuffin]

i love your takeaway from the JJ Abrams Mystery Box was "it's because what's in the mystery box is developed/good/exists. you wouldn't get it."

It only works if you set up several conflicting theories as to what is in the mystery box that are all equally plausible. The audience has to feasibly be able to reach the "correct" answer, but they can never be sure. That's intrigue! Otherwise, all you're doing is telling the audience that a really deep and well written story is happening just off screen I promise.

One of the writers of LOST came to speak at my school once. He told the crowd "I could totally tell you guys what the island is but I'm not gonna" And the crowd went nuts. That shit made me so mad. It has been a decade since that show went off the air. If you had an actually narratively satisfying answer for that question, you would have said it by now. Or better, you would have put it in the damn show.

[malicemuffin]

Muffin Talks Under the Cut: August 1, 2025 Update

content warning: some discussions about self harm and addiction

Putting things under a cut to relieve some of the pressure and anxiety I feel about talking about things that are important to me

My attention span is bad atm so I'm reading a different book!

I can already tell this will be super fucking helpful? Like jesus christ, this is Nicoe 100% right here.

I know I know I know that I'm avoiding writing right now, but if all I can do is read in bed then that's all I can do and that's the best I've got to give. Mcfuckin depression has nerfed me

That said I did get some writing done, just not as much as I would have liked. I'm still working on the outline, haha. I think arc one will be 15 chapters long. One chapter (a backstory chapter) is stupid long though, so I'm wondering if I should cut it in half... but I kinda don't want to... it might be better to just do the relevant bits... I wanna waffle around and take my time but damn it, not a good thing for a comic you know? Talking this through out loud, I think I can always do additional flashback chapters later. Just include the relevant bits for now. Yeah. DUMBASS MUFFIN. I think I'll still write the flashback straightforward just so I get my own history straight and then go back and cut it into pieces.

On a different note, mentioned in the above book are the reading materials the author used for her EMT classes. One of them is called "Emergency Care and Transportation of the Sick and Injured." It costs 200 bucks brand new. I just bought it in good condition (from what looks like a really good seller?) for like 10 dollars. Apparently it is ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED PAGES LONG. So. PERHAPS. A BIT OVERKILL. FOR MY USES SPECIFICALLY.

BUT.

It has images and all that sort of thing, and I'd actually like to use it as reference material. Again, Nicoe used to be an EMT so I like the idea of her helping people in-comic, and actual images will be really helpful for seeing what things should look like. The First Responder book said that this 1.5k page book comes with horrific gore in it and you know what, that's actually useful information too for a comic lmao

In one writing class I took during college (which feels like a lifetime ago), a professor said that you should write your stories so that experts don't cringe. I don't know if I'll ever be smart enough to avoid that, but I'm hoping that looking through this can stop me from making some mistakes. I mean, I'm not actually trying to be an EMT myself so it's not like I need to study this too closely you know?

Lastly, I figured a few things out for Nicoe that will make her even more of a flawed protagonist and kind of relatable (to me) in an embarrassingly painful way haha...? Something was missing for her character for me, but I think I just found it. Without going into too much detail, she has some issues with addictions I think. Remi has always been the one that struggles with self harm, but I think that Nicoe can struggle with it in a different way. Maybe I can highlight the differences between the two of them...?

Man... It's hard to write about what I want to write about. I keep thinking "am I making this too edgy/too dark? Are people going to read this and think it's really bad?" Then I wonder if I know enough about what I'm writing about. Even my own experiences don't feel that bad in comparison to what other people go through. Is it okay? Am I allowed? Is this a stupid thing to worry over?

I guess I'll go into a little more detail-- there was a period when I was younger and struggling with insomnia where I didn't have access to the better sleep medications out there, so I started to use Benadryl. But I had to take more and more for it to work, and soon it got to a really bad state. You can actually get high off of it, but it's awful and it feels like you're dying the entire time. But... that actually became the appeal to it (because it was fucking useless as a sleep aid). There was this desire to feel something, even if it was a horrible feeling. "I want to change" "I want to be different" "I want to see if I can be something else" "Give me a different experience for a while please." And the worse you feel, the more you crave feeling bad. At least for me. At least you're feeling something. At least you know you can be affected by things. Feeling pain means knowing that you (probably) exist.

I think Nicoe might relate to that sort of thing. I might actually give her the exact same experience. Might as well have lived that for a reason...? I dunno. Writing is kind of meditative. Working through things. That's probably why I don't like sharing information though

I check out writing advice forums sometimes just to see what other folks are thinking/are up to, and one person asked "are you ever afraid that no one will read your work" and it's like.. bruh I have the opposite problem. I'm afraid that people WILL read my work. Why am I talking about it then? I dunno. I feel like connection is a painful thing sometimes. You want it but it hurts you. But you gotta open up.

I have really lovely friends and really lovely family who support me, so I want to meet their expectations and turn into the person they think I am. But even if I don't... I think that's still okay. It's okay if I fail. As long as I try.

ANYWAYS. Yeah. Reading books! Writing. Figuring things out. It's all good!

[malicemuffin]

Okay a lil extra

I love stories where the protag is a super over-powered fucker of a fighter because it's fun wish fulfillment, but for my story I really want an underdog who like. has to try twice as hard to be half as good as every one else. I feel like that's more relatable, especially with depression/adhd stuff, and it gives me a lot of natural conflict to play around with for the story too.

What if this is all you wanted to do with your life and you're bad at it? What if you can't reach the standards in your head? What if everyone is staring and wondering what's wrong with you and why can't you just get it done?

I like stories where a person is saved at the end, but what happens after that? You save a person from the dragon or from killing themselves. How do they move forward now? What does that progress look like? Everyone knows you failed and needed to be saved. How the fuck do you keep going on?

Yeah. aklsjfjalkf okay I'm gonna stfu now and hopefully not delete these two posts in like two hours

[malicemuffin]

If you want, could you tell us about your project a little? I remember seeing some of your ideas - that may or may not be not connected to this one, but! - they were really fun!

🥺 ;_; Thank youuu for showing interest aw ;_; I am kicking my feet and happy ;_;

It is so scary to share things like this, because this is a story very important and near and dear to my heart... and what if it's cringe!! what if it's bad!!! But I'll never make it if I stay afraid, so thank you for asking and I will be brave in return and share some info!!!! Thank you!!!

Let's see here... My project is a webcomic that is tentatively named "World's Nail". The story is set during 1990s Alaska and is inspired by the magical girl genre with reincarnating stars called Celestials. The protagonist is 26-year-old Nicoe Dijkstra, the Celestial Polaris!

Polaris is one of the most important northern stars but Nicoe herself is a very weak Celestial, giving her many problems with defending her territory and often sending her into a deep depression. Her Celestial peers don't respect her and her constellation is at risk with the upcoming celestial civil war-- and that's not to mention the creepy Dead Moon cult trying to fuck shit up in the background. All Nicoe wants to do is help people and change into her ideal self but she's terrified she'll instead just stay the same as she is right now... forever.

The story is an exploration of my experiences with depression and suicide and will probably be rated 'M'. Ideally this will be a story about finding hope in despair, but I do want to take a peek into that despair very thoroughly. It will probably be edgy bullshit, but it will be MY edgy bullshit.

I've been stuck in the research phase for about two-to-three years now, haha. I'm reading not only about star mythology but also about emergency response, surviving in the wilds, medical bullshit, Alaska stuff, and cult stuff. I still feel like I don't know very much at all... I don't want my magical girl series to feel like "space cops" and am trying to base them off of firefighters instead. They don't fight people, they fight monsters. Nicoe is actually a former EMT so some of her medical knowledge comes in handy. But she can only be as smart as I am so I want to make sure my girl doesn't come across as a dumb fuck, you know? She deserves better.

Oh yeah, there's also a disease going around called "lunacy" that is basically fucked-up-weird-symptoms-disease that gives me an excuse to inflict body horror on people. Even so, lunatics aren't fought so much as they are cured. I've been looking into different histories on diseases and addictions to try and ground some of lunacy in reality at least when it comes to how people react to it. I really can't stress enough how much I want this to feel like magical girl space firefighters and not magical girl space cops.

Also Nicoe is super gay. I mean, how can you not be when you have a name like Dijkstra (sorry Nicoe). She has a girlfriend roommate who works as an artificer, and the duo are working together to try and reduce the number of monsters in the area with lunar technology instead of only relying on poor struggling Nicoe's Celestial powers. (The lunar tech sort of functions like a disability aid).

I'm not going to say that their relationship is toxic, but I will say that it's not very healthy and the two are just as likely to hurt each other as they are to help each other. A lot of the story is them learning how to communicate and be in love properly. Neither of them know what they're doing, just that they love each other and also that connection is scary.

The comic will be in black/white/gray and I'm thinking that instead of doing a standard two/three-pages-per-week, I'll try instead to do one chapter every two/three months. Chapters will be between 30-90 pages long. I'm not sure how doable this schedule is, so I'd like to get chapters 1-5 made before I start uploading things online? I dunno.

But yeah, I'm starting to transition out of the research phase (SCARY) and into actual planning stage. I've remade the rough draft a billion times but I feel confident this time around that I'm not only in the right direction, but heading towards endgame. Everything is mostly planned out for the arcs and chapters, it's just the details and inner filler and trimmings that need to be worked on-- aka the important parts haha. I recently fixed a huge plot problem so things are falling into place very nicely for myself. It is super exciting right now!! I've still got my depressive episodes but I wake up every day wanting to get to work. It feels amazing!

Originally I wanted to only finish the rough outline before my trip to Alaska at the end of August, but I'm going to finish that waaay ahead of schedule so I think now I'd like to try and get the first two arcs finished in rough draft stage before that point. A comic is a long project to work on when compared to prose, and if I am in top peak performance for posting then I'll realistically be at this for about 20 years. I'd like to plan as much as I can while still leaving room for change in the future. It's scary!

I have a side blog called malicemuffin where I post progress and stuff, buuuut I wouldn't encourage folks to follow it if you aren't interested. I mostly just talk about what research I'm doing and post shitty sketches and what I'm up to. It is straight up terrifying still to put the things that are in my head down into a place where people can read and judge them, and I'm slowly becoming more and more comfortable sharing things ;_;

Thank you for asking!! I hope this was interesting and not boring. This lil project is what I'm devoting all my time to right now. It feels really good to work on my dream, despite how scary it is. Every day this feels more and more like something that can actually exist. I think in comic panels and I see the comic pages when I close my eyes, but it was always some sort of vague thing-- now it feels real. Something a person could actually hold in their hands. How terrifying! How exciting!

[malicemuffin]

I think this is what I'll read next

I've had this on my bookshelf for a while but I've been super intimidated by it ;_; It's pretty long and dense and full of very relevant information! Perfect for the story! But what if I don't take it in??? What if I miss something???

It doesn't help that I can't write in this book (I write in all my books) so that makes it even more intimidating! I think I'll have to read with my phone (distracting!) so I can take down notes that way.

Anyways yeah! I'll probably get another book to read as well so that my brain can take a break every once in a while.

[malicemuffin]

Finished "Send a Ranger"!

I thought I'd finish this book super quick, it ended up taking longer than I thought because it was a slog to read-- super dry. I was actually going to DNF it but ended up sticking it out and I'm glad I did because the last part the author worked at was... in Denali! Perfect research! That last quarter of the book was more useful than anything else.

the depression is depressioning and it's hard to do stuff. I keep feeling restless and I think it's because I want to get started, but I just don't have the energy. Also looking at the news makes me want to jump off a cliff. Reading helps because I feel like I'm making progress without being stuck in social media hell.

Not sure what I'll read next. Maybe another star mythology book?

[malicemuffin]

soul stuff discussion

last reblog-- souls at first breathe is sort of how I do it too for my comic.

This kind of steps around the whole miscarriage issue (which I think would make a ton of stars have trouble reincarnating), especially since celestials still need to survive the first 15-to-20-ish years of life without having powers and infant mortality can be high. This gives celestials more of a chance to like. actually get to the point of being awakened and stuff.

That's not to say that the pre-born don't have personalities or that it's not a loss if a miscarriage happens. Souls in my story are less 'this is your consciousness' and more a categorization of what type of cosmic being you are/where you go when you die. By default, all humans classify as human if they aren't chosen by a cosmic creature.

all humans are technically the divided portions of the earth god. one day the earth god became bored and started to divide themself into lil pieces until humanity existed. if you killed every human but one, the earth god would reform. all humans (who aren't celestials or any other type of cosmic being) have brown eyes as a symbol of their divine origins.

(Powers of cosmic beings scale to what is most important to earth, not what is most impressive in actual space. asteroids and comets are actually more powerful than stars in-story, as are the planets. earth god is therefor the most powerful one of all, but their powers are spread out over all of humanity so it's not like a single human can perform miracles or magic. collectively human beliefs can shape the world though).

I see humans and their souls as sort of like a giant lake. each new person is a cup of water taken out when they're made and then returned to the lake when they die. That is the default. Every human is the same soul but a different combination, sort of the same way all droplets of water in a river make up the river but can be an individual on their own.

The divine background of humans is what makes them very useful hosts for the cosmic. That's why they can become celestials and other such things. A celestial just kind of mixes star koolaid into that cup, and upon the body's death, the star drinks it up and looks for a new one. This is how stars are starting to gain personalities and souls of their own. If you've ever read "The Egg" by Andy Weir, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I've been debating having stars reincarnate exactly at the time of awakening but I kind of hate it, just because I feel like it makes things too complicated with character deaths... at the same time, waiting 15+ years for a character to reincarnate (especially since celestials have an awkward death rate) also feels uncomfortable? Well whatever.

(I'm starting to talk more about my story cause I'm getting hyped for it as I get closer and closer to starting it. hope this isn't boring!!! but i imagine you 16 followers wouldn't be here if it was lmao)

[malicemuffin]

I like how the "Welcome Back" meme always lines up death days with birthdays, because it implies that souls only attach to hosts that have already exited the womb. Perhaps amniotic fluid repels souls (how could we use this?), or perhaps souls cannot differentiate between mother and child until the umbilical cord is severed. But I imagine the most common explanation would be that the soul enters the body via inhalation (at first breath), which would make the soul an airborne parasite. But to answer your question, no I cannot explain the gap in my resume.

[malicemuffin]

was reading one of the books and saw a new word I hadn't seen before:

term: lucida (plural: lucidae) meaning the brightest star in a constellation

This is great. Each constellation has a leader who is typically the most important star (aka the brightest star, although not always) and I fuckin' hated calling them the "alpha" star. Although, as mentioned, the alpha star isn't always the brightest, sometimes just the more useful (example: Dubhe and Alioth from Ursa Major) but whatever, it's my comic and I can misuse words however the fuck i want

[malicemuffin]

I figured it all out

I'm gonna start writing.

Maybe I can finish the writing process before my trip in August? And then when I get back... I can start the thumbnails for chapter one

[malicemuffin]

Sketch Dump + Other Updates (wow this got really long)

Kochab in black and white.

I dunno how shading/gray tones will work in the comic. I prefer drawing with pure black/white but I prefer reading with some grays in there.

Yildun! I like her best I think with a side piece of cloth. I do want one character to get a front tabard piece, but I couldn't get it to work right with Yildun's top. She gets to wear shorts. She'll probably get a pattern on the side cloth but I'm not sure what it'll look like. Maybe something pretty generic?

If you're wondering, Ursa Minor all share a few things in common with their designs, namely a cloth "tail," black underclothing, and an armored top. Not all constellations have such stringent themes represented in their celestials but some of them do, and ursa minor is one of them.

Kochab is meant to be a little bit curvy while Yildun is very long and thin. This isn't really represented in these sketches right now but you'll have to trust me, haha. I can't decide if Yildun will have really broad shoulders or not. Out of uniform she wears a lot of cropped shirts and I think it'd look nice if her shoulders were wide, but her being a lil beanpole also feels very "right."

I keep thinking that I should be drawing better and not wanting to post anything but that doesn't really help me, does it. Well, putting everything under a cut helps.

The book I'm reading at the moment. It's kind of dry and I can't really say that I'm enjoying it, but it's not useless and it's given me some good ideas for the story so that's nice. It talks about firefighting in the wilderness, bear management, search and rescue missions, and then backcountry ranger duties-- all of which are helping me form the general idea of what a celestial's duties look like.

In particular I really want to know more about what is involved with each part. Like search and rescue. Before the book, I knew that you'd have volunteers who go out and do the actual groundwork. But now I'm also more aware of all the management you need-- helicopters, management of helicoptors (so they don't crash into each other/so that you are using your resources well), feeding people, information gathering, media management, map making, etc. Celestials are often used to help find people, so this is very helpful for me.

--

I've been feeling really depressed lately and it's hard to get out of bed, much less have enthusiasm for things. I'm trying to at least draw a little bit every day and also do some reading so that I'm not wasting time. Being angry at myself accomplishes nothing, so I try to celebrate the little things and I'm focusing on the positives when I can. Small little wins can really help with the mood. That's easier said than done though.

One really bright thing in my life is that I'm visiting Alaska at the end of August! I'll be seeing a good friend while doing research for my story (it takes place in Alaska). I can't wait to take reference photos and chill and get some more concrete ideas on what things look like. I keep feeling lost on what sort of things people should wear, what the weather is like in summer/fall/winter/whatever... It's one thing to read about it or see photos online but it's another to actually be there and experience it yourself. ALSO I GET TO SEE BEARS AND GO IN A FLOAT PLANE

--

I think one thing I need to do, that isn't just reading a bunch of nonfiction, is to study more fiction (comics) and see how they start their stories. I've got so much of it mapped out except for... the beginning. I think though it's a symptom of a larger problem-- you should start your story as close to the action as possible, but where do I start mine? Where is the action? What is the inciting incident? I've had this story in my head for at least 12+ years now and it's gone through so many changes, it's hard to narrow it down into one cohesive moment. I keep wanting to make a very generic start that I can grow from slowly, but I also think that's a waste of my time and the reader's time.

-- --

I'm gonna talk out loud to myself, feel free to ignore.

I think something important to get across is that Nicoe wants to change so badly and is terrified she never will. Her goal is to fix herself and her broken Celestial status and she hopes this will turn her into the "good" person she's always wanted to be. The idea that a) she could never become unbroken or b) she could become unbroken and still be the exact same as she is now is absolutely terrifying and she'd rather kill herself than go through that.

(of course... the reason polaris is important is because it's a star that doesn't move. but nicoe won't accept that until the very end).

Knowing that, I feel like the beginning arc needs to show her desire for change to become a savior (because she thinks she needs to be perfect and wants to save others to prove that she is "allowed" to exist/she wants to know that people can be saved because secretly she wants someone to save her too), wanting impossible things while ignoring all the actual real good she can do. She looks up to other Celestials for saving people and doing things like flying, using cool magic and cool fighting moves, basically being heroes while all of Nicoe's best moments are in her compassion, intelligence, and preparedness. Nicoe doesn't need to be a Celestial to be the person she wants to be, but that answer doesn't make her feel better so she ignores it.

The previous book I read also mentioned how a lot of accomplished experts die/get injured because they rely too much on past experiences and not what they are seeing/experiencing at that exact moment. I think this is where Nicoe can really shine, as she is very good at reading situations and adapts to what needs to be done versus what has always worked. However her blind spot is herself and her own needs. Not only does she downplay her accomplishments, but she neglects herself to the point of failure.

What should the first arc contain? I'd like the moon cult to be in there because they're important, but the celestial civil war elements... gah! I'm back where I started two months ago lmao.

--

I think my actual real problem is this: should Nicoe's broken celestial status be a selling point of the story or something the reader discovers at the end of arc one (so by chapter ten or so)? I feel so mixed on it. On one hand I feel like the imperfect weak magical girl who has to try twice as hard to be half as good is a really good selling point for a reader who might be wondering "why should i look at this when other stories exist." A lot of magical girl stories center the powerful pink protagonist who is stronger than all her peers, and this is different from that. idk it just feels like a strong draw. It's also the entire reason the comic exists, and I feel like introducing it asap respects both the reader's time and my time.

On the other hand, I feel like that set-up requires backstory for the reader to understand why this is such a big deal. Like, you can't just show her little soulgem thing be broken in a dramatic panel and for the reader to go "oh shit this is the source of her magic problem." Like yeah a reader will obviously know it's bad, and magical girl fans will understand it's very much not good, but it won't have the impact I'm looking for, you know? I keep putting myself in a reader's shoes and thinking 'so what?' when the reveal comes. I feel like it just doesn't have the right emotion if we don't associate broken gems with dead celestials. nicoe is the equivalent of a walking talking corpse with its head missing. Yeah a reader will gather it's bad, but will they gather how bad?

(it doesn't help that my sister said she wants to read the story... a magical girl fan, especially one who is familiar with pmmm will understand the signifigance right away. but someone who has never watched any meguca media, like my sis, will not. but then again, my sister isn't my target audience anyways???? help)

I keep coming back to Fullmetal Alchemist, which does exactly what I'd like to do-- it doesn't start right when Ed becomes a state alchemist but further into his journey as he unintentionally interferes with the enemy's plans. Arakawa does a good job showing how alchemy works, world building in general, and then easily gives us the protags' motivations by showing that Ed and Al want to get their original bodies back.

I don't want to start the story where Nicoe tries to kill herself and then doesn't die, instead awakening and becoming the celestial she's always dreamed of being. I want to start three years later when she's become the one thing she's always wanted to be and STILL isn't happy. She finally achieves her dream AND THEN SHE'S BAD AT IT.

Hmm

Thinking about that, maybe I should start close to her breaking point. She keeps thinking 'well if i get XYZ then i'll become an unbroken celestial and THEN I'll be complete and validated and happy :)." So maybe the answer is that we start with her failing her mission lmao.

Okay we're getting somewhere. so first ten chapter arc: Nicoe tries to fix herself and fails. Maybe we start off at the culmination of her working on a fix and then the arc ends with her (second) suicide attempt after it doesn't work. Arc 2 (chapters 11 - 25) is her picking up the pieces and starting over again, looking for another method of becoming whole. I really really want her to get overwhelmed and then hit rock bottom (or bouncy trampoline bottom in her case) by the time arc 1 ends.

This is kind of close to what I wanted to do originally in my first draft from like... oh god, six months ago? But it'd be more focused.

Do I announce asap that she's broken? Or do we just keep it vague that something is very wrong with her in comparison to her peers? Should it be a mystery to the reader-- the very first mystery? Or is that stupid? I hate that her motivation for the story (become whole) would be hidden. You need a mystery for the reader to be invested, even if it's something as simple as "how will ed and al get their bodies back," and I feel like "what the fuck is wrong with this girl" is a good mystery as any, but is it really?

I was thinking there can be moments where a stranger talks about how Celestials can fly and Nicoe goes "not all of them! :')" or a person saying that Celestials can remember their past lives and Nicoe has to reply "ah some of them can, but I'm not one of them!" Just continuously reminding the reader that she's... lacking in something. She's hiding something. We just don't know what it is yet. It might be hinted it's her gem because she clutches it in pain when she over exerts herself (she wears a false cover to hide the cracks) or we see that she doesn't have as much mana as her peers do. She might look guilty when celestials talk about broken gems and dying. things like that.

I think part of my struggle is the following:

because I don't start at Nicoe's beginning, it's hard to introduce information to the reader since there isn't an in-universe person who needs explaining to. so the importance of gems and what celestials can do feel too much like explanations in a world where this would be common knowledge

I really don't want to have any other celestials present in the first and second chapter; I just want it to be Nicoe and that makes any reveal on her condition really difficult because again how do you set that up in a way that feels satisfying.

I have the mirage of an idea in my head for chapter one. Part of this involves the moon cult, with the prospective member Pandora being unsure if she wants to join or not. Nicoe rescues her and Pandora knows fuck all about celestial nonsense, so Nicoe fills her in. The chapter would end with Pandora deciding not to join (but she does eventually change her mind, leading to Nicoe's breakdown at the end as she couldn't even save one girl).

but the question of Nicoe's broken status being known or a mystery by the end of it is plaguing me. Does Pandora find out and promise to keep it a secret? I think that could be interesting and also a source of discomfort when the penny drops and Pandora is revealed to have joined the cult. Will this fourteen year old with nothing to lose tell the evil cult (that wants to kill celestials) that polaris is weak and broken? or does pandora not know?

I do think though that one thing I've decided on is that she'll be researching and actively looking for ways to fix herself. I feel very strongly that I want her to be motivated and moving the plot forward, not reacting to things. This is because I am definitely a person who falls victim to passive protagonist writing and I need to actively fight it at every opportunity so my story does not suck ass.

Another thing I need to make up my mind on is if I kill one character or if I don't (this would be roughly around chapter 7). Killing the character (a celestial) would demonstrate the importance of the soul gems and also Nicoe's guilt at being alive (a failure of a celestial) while other celestials who are more powerful will die.

However I REALLY like that character and she has an extensive backstory and killing her off feels like killing my heart and also a waste of investment on my part. But also that character basically gets replaced anyways by someone else and has a very reduced screentime after this so when I think about it... it doesn't make much difference to the story if she actually dies or not. So why not just kill her? That would be fucking depressing and would def push Nicoe over the edge.

the other thing I'm thinking on are Nicoe's attempts at helping her territory that don't just rely on celestial stuff. She wants to improve the world, not just maintain it, and is investing in defense technology + researching ways to coexist with monsters and stuff. This is alongside her girlfriend partner making weapons and tools that Nicoe can use which compensate for her lack of power. To me they are sort of like disability aids. Nicoe using these tools and then feeling guilt or shame over needing them is another thing I'd like to be present in arc 1, with a side of other celestials being dicks about it (to be clear they aren't bullying her, everyone here is an adult, but they aren't understanding to her situation either (to be fair they don't know what's going on). people just think she needs to try harder) (yes this is a metaphor for adhd a bit don't @ me).

The last thing I'm thinking on is the external pressure. Originally Nicoe started off the story by getting disciplined for poor performance and was threatened that she'd be put back into the cycle if she didn't improve (aka killed so a new reincarnation can take over for polaris). For various reasons, this plot no longer works. I still want something similar though. I'm just not sure what this plotline should be? Kochab has mostly given up on Nicoe at this point but se would rather have her around than not have her, and other constellations wouldn't have the authority to demand that Polaris step up or step out.

Hmm, then again, maybe it's more the constellation alliance thing. The Arctic Constellations might be putting pressure on Ursa Minor to have Kochab relinquish leadership status so Polaris can take over, and they don't understand why that hasn't happened yet. Nicoe's broken status needs to be kept a secret from them because it'll upset the power balance-- in fact, the perception of Polaris' power is one of the many reasons that the civil war hasn't started yet. But if it's discovered that Polaris is broken, then that means Ursa Minor is much weaker and therefor so is the Arctic Constellation group, meaning that they have much less sway over what's going on. Without the northern influence's threat of stepping in/to act as mediator, the two sides of the civil war can actually begin fighting in earnest.

Maybe Nicoe wants to become whole before the next arctic meeting? So she can take over from Kochab. Kochab might not be pressuring her, but other members of ursa minor can be, especially because they don't understand her condition. Is it just an internal pressure she's experiencing, or is it also an external one? Maybe she's getting outside pressure from other celestials from other constellations that want her to step up by XYZ time or else.

talking out loud helped. and fuck it, I'm gonna post this crap, even though it's rambling and spoiler-y and an embarrassing look into my stupid head. maybe i should try to go to bed again. It's so scary to post your thoughts on things that matter to you because what if you're stupid. what if people read this and think "this idea that is so important to you is cringe and boring and stupid and lame. that means you are also stupid and cringe and boring and lame. stfu forever"

The only bright side is that this blog has like 16 followers and I'm 97% sure no one is still reading this

[malicemuffin]

Kochab Celestial Design

Took a bunch of different sketches but I think I finally found a design that I really like for Kochab! I'll post the others too under a cut (just because I might reuse some of the ideas). Normally I'm not very fond of the leotard look but I think it looks alright (I said this exact same for Yildun, whose design I'm also going to change lmao). Also Kochab is 40+ years old so.

I had difficulty with hers because:

I wanted it to be similar to Polaris (since they are both part of Ursa Minor and both are formally pole stars) but with enough differences that they don't look exactly the same

As mentioned before, she's in her forties. Celestials stop aging at 20+ years old but still, I wanted something that looked kind of mature and not too young-ish. I'm realizing now this might make some of the other designs difficult in the future too, hmmm... Can I really call this a magical girl story if there aren't any characters young enough to call "girls"????

Yildun is going to get a tabard-esque skirt thingy that goes down in the front with the sides of her legs open, so I wanted Kochab to have the opposite-- or at least, I wanted them to have different shapes.

I didn't have a very clear vision in my head of what she'd look like. All I knew is that I wanted her legs to be exposed and that I wanted it to look "grand" and detailed. It should be clear that something is a little special about her compared to the rest. Kochab is currently the acting leader of Ursa Minor (instead of Polaris) so her design should stand out and look impressive-- you should think "oh this is an important person" when she steps into frame. A lot of that has to do with the right composition (I already know what that page will look like in my head) but a good design helps.

Lastly there is a flashback of her when she first transforms as a kid, so whatever the design is needs to look acceptable on a young teenager too. She needs to look recognizable in it so there can't be too many changes. I think I might add a small skirt just so it's not just an armor leotard there-- I don't think it'd change the feeling too much and we only see her as a kid for like 2 pages in the whole comic so

I think I might end up changing her shoulders a bit so that they're a bit more interesting, but otherwise I'm really happy with this one.

I don't want to settle on a final final final outfit design just yet and keep it a sketch until her actual introduction. I noticed that my outfit design skills fucking SUCK atm and I think it's because I haven't been drawing or designing for a long-ass time. I felt really embaressed going back and looking at old pictures for 10-20 years ago and thought "wow I was much better back then." Hopefully I'll improve as I draw more and then I'll take another look at her.

Anyways, here are some of the others under the cut that I feel like sharing

first design. garbage, but I do kind of like the ones on the right and might reuse them for later. All Celestials wear pants/tights/bodysuits under their little armor pieces so she's not flashing anyone btw. I liked the idea of her having an empty space there but obviously didn't end up going with it, as seen with the final design.

I tried to play around with these but they didn't feel grand enough. Maybe they'd look good on someone else?

I copied an old Polaris design. I thought "well maybe the difference between Polaris and Kochab is that Kochab has a shorted skirt piece" but ended up feeling like it still wasn't grand enough. She should be special on her own, not a cheap copy of Nicoe. Still, I liked the pants/knees and ended up keeping that part. Finally getting somewhere!

Wanted to try playing around with skirts. Again, didn't feel grand. I was starting to feel confident about the top at least.

Playing around.

Again, I like these ideas but none of them fit her. They looked too simple. I was starting to think that I wanted a long skirt element to make her stand out, but I also didn't want something that would get in the way of moving around.

I really like the star belts and want to use them on someone else, but in a way that actually fits them

Playing around with shapes. I like the idea of the half skirt but again it felt like it would get in her way. I see her as a very active fighter-- though for what it's worth, I do like a certain amount of unbelievable fantasy for the outfit/weapon design so I'll have a lot of lack of realism haha. But still.

This is where I felt like I finally found something I liked.

Trying to figure things out. I kept playing around with skirts, adding them and then erasing them and then cutting off their back halfs, ect. One thing I was worried about was how her legs would stand out if the skirt didn't open up in the back too, especially the black exposed body suit portions. So if she was going to have a skirt, it needed to be open in the back as well as the front.

was starting to think I was heading in the wrong direction so I tried with a few other ideas. Didn't like them as much though

I felt really close at this point. Pls ignore the shit on the right lmaoo. It was good but not "grand"

aaand back to our finally sketch! yay.

I think the skirt shape (the straight lines going out instead of hooking back in) give that grand feel I was looking for. The extra designs on her armor pieces kind of give her a good feeling too? idk. I'm happy.

[malicemuffin]

*looking at wikipedia for reading materials*

Oh man! A book for Chinese star mythology! Finally, I've been lookign so long-- THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS

[malicemuffin]

Okay, finally finished "Eratosthenes and Hyginus' Constellation Myths," translated by Robin Hard. Very good, taking notes, def going to be using it heavily.

Just making a mental note for myself-- I was going to have all the planets (in this story they are often referred to as "Devils") be evil, but I think that Mercury might be neutral-good.

Mercury is a smaller planet, not just irl but also visually from the earth. It's often associated with trade and marketplaces, with knowledge, etc. Hermes, who the planet represented, also created the lyre, and that fits in nicely with an idea I have of Mercury and the constellation Lyra collaborating.

Since Devils as seen as evil, this would make Lyra very off-putting to the other constellations if this connection was ever discovered. It doesn't matter that Mercury is usually good, he still has a bad association and Lyra suffers as a result once this is discovered.

I think I'll use different historical cultural names for each planet. I'll use "Stilbon" for Mercury. It means "glittering" or "gleaming" and the planet was called such because the wandering stars (planets) don't twinkle like the fixed stars (actual stars) do, though Mercury, being so faint, would sometimes do so.

[malicemuffin]

I really want to buy a celestial sphere star map/star chart/celestial globe or something along those lines. I have a hard time visualizing where everything is in relation to each other and book maps don't help. I remember having a small one when I was a kid, but of course it was probably chucked into the attic or thrown away a long time ago.

something like this is a little too detailed (and I'd want to be able to pick the whole thing up to examine it? idk)

ooo something like this would be GREAT. Oh. 200 dollars? christ

Okay I think I know what to save for then

[malicemuffin]

Finished Deep Survival!

At first I thought it'd beat out "A Thousand Naked Strangers" for me, but in the end I'd say it's more of a 4/5 than a 5/5. The first half was more interesting than the second half where the author breaks down how accidents occur. That's not to say that the second half was bad, but I found elements of it contradictory and less compelling overall. If I was reading the book in hopes of finding answers, I think I'd come out of it slightly disappointed (again, I still think it's a good book).

But I'm not reading it for actual advice, I'm reading it for writing material! haha.

And for that, I found it super useful. It gave me a bunch of ideas on how I want my protag to act. Something interesting the author notes is that fear is an important emotion. You can't let it rule you, but you can't succeed without it either. It made me realize that Nicoe might have a leg up on other Celestials-- because she is more vulnerable, she is more careful. In other words, her peers are very complacent and this can get them killed, while she is more cautious and will survive. This nicely helps round out a plot point I was working on so I am very pleased indeed.

A few other things stood out-- survival is better if you view yourself as a rescuer over a victim (which suits Nicoe's personality, who performs better when she has someone to help than when it's just to protect herself), the ability to see the world as it is and be adaptable (have a plan but don't stick to it obsessively), and even to appreciate the beauty even in dangerous situations. These all work nicely with Nicoe's personality (and elements of it were there before, but I can make them more purposeful).

The last thing was the author discussing "the outside voice"-- when your brain splits into three selves during a survival situation. Your emotional self, your physical body, and then the logical authoritative self. This third one is often heard as an outside voice that gives you directions and helps a person survive, even to the point that people will take it to be an entirely different person. The author points out that logic and reason work in the same parts of the brain as do voice and speech. I found this fascinating.

One thing about Celestials is that their souls will reincarnate. This gives them past life memory, but it's less "I remember who I was ten lifetimes ago" and more like a sort of inherited instinct honed over the course of thousands of years. Celestials awaken and instantly know how to fight because it's in their blood.

But I like the idea of this "outside voice" maybe being a part of it too. Not something created from a detached logic during strenuous survival, but maybe a calm presence of the grand total of the Celestial's life that can see things in a meta way and give direction to the current lifecycle.

Does what I say make sense? It's fine if it doesn't, as long as it makes sense to me, haha! This sort of magic system shit isn't something I plan on elaborating on too much in-story (I hate fantasy that does that), so as long as it works out internally inside my head, then I feel pretty good.

Anyways it's time to go back to researching greek star mythology!

[malicemuffin]

Taking a break from star research to read something else (are book updates okay???)

I'm still very early into this one but I can already tell it'll beat "Killing Season" as my favorite book I've read for this year, and that's not a slight against "Killing Season." "Deep Survival" has everything I like: it's clever, it's concise, and it's inspiring for story stuff.

I am definitely taking my time in the research phase but I also feel like... I dunno. I feel like I'm really starting to build something in my head. Like the fog that was obscuring the story is starting to clear. The path forward is becoming easier to traverse. It's a really good feeling.

I'm also SUPER excited now that I've fixed a the big plot issue that's been plaguing me for so long. I've been feeling like this story is just a jumbled up piece of garbage that has no potential for so long, but now it's something that feels like... it could actually exist. You know? It could actually exist and make sense and people might actually like it.

More importantly, I might like it, even if I'm the one who makes it.