maplesyrupless

[maplesyrupless]

#5

There's a common knowledge among my friends, close and not so close, and it's that i enjoy saying mean things, It's enjoyable to me ! No, i don't feel particularly bad about it, that is, until, it actually affects someone. Once it's hurtful and once it's actually causing harm, i don't like it. Guess that's pretty human of me to do and feel. I refuse to believe that there are people that get no joy out of being mean, no matter how severe or weak the meanness is.

In case you are curious, for the sake of narrative. For the sake of example. For the sake of making this a more interactive journal. Im gonna give you an example.

Say a friend wants me to handle some interpersonal problems, say they want me to respond to someone in their behalf because they trust me and because they bet on my honesty and character. Who would bet on that anyways, money is precious, but in any case. In any form. Nevertheless. At any rate, they do. Before i can take care of it they say to me: "I'll leave this to you, but don't be too rough with it"

"I don't get rough. You know me. If you are leaving this to me then leave this to me. Don't forget that you rather let me handle this because of your lack of back bone"

Sure, if it had been as simple as just saying "Hey, my friend is hurt by how you are acting" to this person i was about to talk to, they wouldn't have come to me. But i enjoy saying stuff like that when i know the truth damn well. And the moment i enjoy it, i lose sight on whatever was enjoyable about it on the first place.

Needless to say, i took care of it. Funnily enough, their relationship was flowering a couple weeks later, isn't that funny, isn't it interesting that people live in a society so they learn from a young age to forgive and forget. Isn't it so, so, so fucking weird. I guess that's also part of what makes us the species that we are, we find joy even in the worst of conditions, and we also find misery in the best. I guess i was never that blinded by love. I guess i wasn't ever really in love. Whatever that means of course, topic for another day maybe? look at me go, little narrator Jr. finding a new topic to talk about in the page im writing now, silly old me teehee.

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I guess there's aspects of human society that i've always struggled to understand. Not that i don't, have i told you that im actually really smart? I know, oh just how fortunate I am. Go me. Not that i believe that, mind you. Or maybe i do, what do you know? go be nosy somewhere else.

But, if you ask me, for example: It's a mystery to me the amount of faith people put on things, never doubting anything, never questioning things, just happy living in ignorance. I consider myself to be knowledge starved of topics. All topics. No matter how niche. It's fun just to know things for the sake of it. Of course, there's a lot i don't know about. Me, inept and poorly educated me, lacked the understanding of something as trivial and simple as believing in something to be comforted by it. But i guess i do get it now. They probably do it because it's easier than doubting the veracity of something.

Doubting.

Is stressful.

The point is that it's less about not doubting something than about "not wanting to doubt", people like believing that they can trust something. Their surroundings. The world. People.

They want security.

So they simply reject doubting, and believe. I guess in that sense our society is as comfortable as it gets. Please continue being comfortable, live on. Get to experience happiness.

However, and i can't express this enough. Be skeptical. If you don't want to live your life making a mess out of things, be skeptical.

This isn't, of course, any life advice, or a place for you to take my thoughts as revelation. You would be pretty stupid to do so. Moronic even. Just a stupid person. No shame in that. Just don't be that type of stupid. If you are, go die somewhere.

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I guess as a finishing touch. The torch before the finish line. The final stretch. The added details. I might as well add a small little reflection upon myself that i had recently.

I'm not at all a socially awkward person. I know how society works, better than most. I see it. And i get it. I live in one and participate on one. Everyone does. I see everything and i get everything. Some people are like books to me. I'm probably more socially aware than most. I read the room. There, i had enough jerking myself off for now, heh.

This italic font sucks, by the way. Fix it, Tumblr.

I've been so socially aware that even as i child i started getting how society works. I started without noticing a trend in how i acted towards someone that knew less than me. I used to dumb myself down, just so they don't feel bad about themselves because that how society works. Some people call that humbleness. I call that lying. I knew about the topic, i pretended to not know just for your sake. Be grateful. Or not. Maybe you don't get it after all. Or maybe you do, but ignore it.

Which terrifies me even more.

[maplesyrupless]

#4

I realized something: I hate sad people.

Ironic considering the reason I started this whole thing was because I was sad, but do I really hate them?

What do I hate about them?

I think it’s the fact that sometimes it feels like you are not trying to be happy.

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 It’s been three years since I started writing that first part. Since it’s been that long, I figure i would let it start at the beginning, as a reminder of what I'm here to talk about, of sorts.

At the beginning (of the original plan with this profile, not of the post itself), it was (the profile) more so aimed at the idea, possibility, chance, of me eventually reading this in the future, to just look back, reflect, and think. I dont often look back, but I've had my fill of the other two, which I think is a reason why this page dissipated inside my mind.

Well, that moment finally arrived, much to my surprise. The posts were more sad than what I remember, which made me question things like how long it has been, when I was mentally when I wrote them, and how much things have changed. Because they did, I changed, and I also didn't. I am me, and that will never change. It begs the question about realness or fakeness: how much of what I say is how I feel, and how much of what I say is simple thoughts that my mind often expresses through my mind? expresses, as in express, train, talk about a forced analogy. trains? brains! pains! gains! lanes!

I guess I'll talk about what remains.

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As much as a certain person I know would love to read whatever I was planning on saying at the beginning, sorry, it’s not that day yet. I do plan on continuing what I was starting to say at the beginning, but not today. I don't feel like it; it stinks to be you, even if you would agree with me on that, such is your self-esteem. Btw, I lied, i dont think it stinks to be you. I do like who I am, though, so I wouldn't change it. As to how much I like myself, well, we all try to accept ourselves, no?

A brooding frown makes people think you’re wise, but they’re dead wrong. Thinking about things isn’t always good. It’s the ones who don't think about anything and just blithely float through life who tend to hold the world in the palm of their hands. Worrying is just a waste of time. If you have time to think, then act. Forget your worries. No use crying over split milk. The lesson to take home is this: Don’t think highly of people.

Well, that and also, don't think too highly of yourself; often people who do actually feel the complete opposite way. The lens of fear magnifies the magnitude of uncertainty. I mean, really. I’m afraid too, you know, that I wouldn’t make it anywhere in life if I failed in my own chosen path. Dreams are quite expensive. In that sense, I guess I got lucky to be who I am. I can't recall having a dream job or aspiration when I was a kid. I actually do remember something as simple as the person writing this. When asked that question, my reply would often be just "I want to have lots of money", which is quite funny in retrospect.

But it also makes it so I never had a chosen path to begin with. Which is arguably more frightening.

[maplesyrupless]

#3

I can be happy, but probably never fulfilled. I’m a victim of some things life has decided to throw at me, but it terms of perspective,the victim can easily become the culprit. Victims are not victims 24/7, people can’t be victims forever, they have times where they are, and time where they are the culprits.

Is me being a victim at times of some things a good or a bad thing? sometimes i feel like feeling like this makes me very manipulative, more than what i thought i was, or maybe it serves as an excuse for my actions, But they don’t, or at least, that shouldn’t be the case. Then should i just do what it’s expected for me to do? what would be consider normal for me to do? I’ve always hated people that treat others like they know everything about the other person, i’ve always hated people that talk in personal experiences like it’s the norm, I’ve always hated people that think they know how others should live their lifes, how they should spend their free time on, etc. 

I always hate.

Does that make me a not enjoyable person to be around? Does this mean im not a good person?

Good people can be easily be bad, and bad people can easily be good.

Some situations might happen because of you, that might make you a bad person, some of thoses situations might be unavoidable, but does this mean that the fact that the result would’ve been the same, exuse the fact that you helped that situation get worse?

It’s all about how you perceive yourslef, and how others might perceive you.

Most of the time we do things that we think are good, or bad, or good for us especifically, rather than a common good, because ultimately, we care about ourselves.

Only you know about you, and only you can take care of yourself, and only you can save yourself. I’ve been wanting to be saved for a long time, but, as a person that often tries to make other feel better, and gets enjoyment out of seeing others happy, that’s not something that is possible for me, I will never get to be saved, I can only help myself, salvation will come if i allow myself to have salvation.

[maplesyrupless]

#2

I went to pay rent for my dad at the beginning of the month, a weird thought came to mind when i was paying “What if i seduce the landlord lady?” and that was so weird, i never had a thought like that ever. I disgusted myself, i disgusted myself so much. But then again, why i thought of that, in the back in my mind i thought that it was because that could help us not pay such an absurd amount of money every month, maybe i could decive the lady into charging us less, I took that as an explanation and moved on with my day, like I could ever seduce someone anyways, im not that type of dude.

Then i started thinking more about that thought, what if i did it in like, an alternative universe or some shit, and then i discarded it as that would mean that that version of myself isn’t me, but thinking about it more, that is in fact me, it’s the me that choose to do it instead of the me that decided that it was a dumb idea, it’s still in essence, me. What does this mean? We are all responsible for our actions and we are responsible for them, does this mean we are responsible for the actions that we can potentially do? In that sense i guess our existence is based on what we currently decide to do, and what we could potentially do.

If we are a mix of our actions, experiences and the way we communicate with others, then it means most of our actions are so unpredictable, given the ammount of possibilities that we give ourselves. For example, imagine this scenario, it’s prob the dumbest scenario ever, but it serves as an example: You encounter an elderly woman that needs help with Y X and Z situations, if you are in a bad mood, you will most likely not help her, but if another version of yourself that is in a good mood, might help her out, and woah !!! who would’ve guessed, that woman was a multimillionaire that is now gonna give you 5 million dollars !!! what???? insane !!!! So yeah, both of those versions of you, are you, but one outcome depends also on how you handle it, which is extremely scary, but also very freeing at the same time, especially when most of the situations our daily life encounters are out of our control, given certain circumstances. Who knows, maybe another version of myself killed that elderly woman. Maybe a version of myself killed the landlord lady.

[maplesyrupless]

#1

Sucide is no longer an option, it used to be one, but now there’s no point in my mind to do something like that, what i really been thinking about lately is my way of thinking about others or how i treat others, i’ve never been a person that thinks about other often, and i thought i was, but time showed me that it’s not really true lol, even my mom said that to me. “Yeah, you are kinda insensitive”, at the time that didn’t bother me that much, i thought she was just being how she usually is because, you know, i got that insensitivity from someone lol, im her son after all. However, even tho i say that, she does understand the feelings of others, and her own feelings, she is sad when other people are sad, she tries to help most people, and she is thoughtful about others. Unlike me. I guess in that sense im more like my dad? . . . No.  My dad is not like that. If anything, my dad is a lot like my mom, but less extroverted, and with a less zone of approach, since my mom’s work is basically helping women and minorities under domestic violence, and my dad helps ppl at his work, since he is basically the head of the sindicate of said work, he thinks about his co-workers a lot, and he gets stressed if they have a bad time economically or whatever. Lol, last week he came back home extremely happy about how he managed to get everyone a small rise that he’ve been trying to get for everyone last couple months.  Then, who am i alike? Do i need to be like one of them to be their son?  No, not at all.  But by having such amazing parents, why am i like i am. Is it a bad thing to be like this? Most would probably argue that being yourself is important, other would say that being so insensitive is a bad thing. To put in perspective, when my grandpa died i felt sad, but i didn’t cry, and i don’t know what i was most upset about, the fact that he died, or the fact that i showed no emotion towards it. In that sense maybe i was being really selfish by thinking about me in that moment, instead of thinking more about my grandpa. That got me thinking, will it be like that when my grandma dies? I want to think that i will cry, i love her, she’s been so nice to me, but will i show emotion? To come back to the beginning of the blog, sucide is no longer an option, but why? I don’t see it as an end, it would solve little to nothing, i despise that idea, it makes me mad, it makes me sick too. So much that i come to hate people that have that mindset, and don’t want to be near, i don’t like when people don’t try to be happy. But im generalizing right? not all situations are the same, and not all people have a way to be happy.  In that sense, what is happiness? It is what you want it to be.  Happinnes is not a right, happiness is not something you deserve. But you deserve the chance to be happy. The fact that you are still living is because you still have the possibility to be happy, and that you probably deserve to be happy, otherwise, you would’ve died a long time ago.  I don’t know nothing, but i do know everything. You still know what you know, and that is more than any other person that doesn’t know what you know. You are wise in that sense, and probably a sage to that person that doesn’t know. We are owners of our own happiness, and we shouldn’t let the desire of being happy slip away with the idea of death. Family is not something you need, but it’s something you should be happy to have, not every home is a house and not every house is a home, a home is not something you have the right to, but it’s something that should be desired, and something you should be happy to have if you do. Someone on discord called me “pettiness incarnate”, that was funny, but left me thinking a lot about it, and that’s pretty much how this blog came around.  A therapist told me it would be good if i express my thoughts on a form of blog of record of my train of thought but, we will see for how long i feel like writing.