mariaemilynfinkernagel

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

06.19.2022 Royal Palm Beach, Florida

Hello world. I’ve had several moments throughout the day and week where I would get really emotional because when I think of how much life has changed and how the relationships that I valued and cherished the most has evolved into ones that I don’t have contact with them. That’s become really difficult for me.

One in particular is my relationship with my sister. I’m not a perfect sister whatsoever but I’ve noticed since a it 2019 her attitude towards me had changed a lot from breaking her word, leaving me out of plans or conversations. It sucks when the person I thought was so important to me all of a sudden becomes a stranger. It sucks.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

5.20.2022 La Grosera, Centro de Huelva, Spain

The phrase I've heard time and time again, especially as of late, is that happiness is created from deep within. I used to think that it was something people said as a consolation prize because the place or people around them sucked so much that they had to make themselves believe something so cliché to get through life. 

And as everything in the universe, the thing I dreaded the most happened to me this summer just when my depression and anxiety was becoming better. I accepted the fact that I'll be living in a place I have never liked and used to provoke hives when I knew I had to spend time there. My body is dramatic. I don't know what to tell you. 

Three weeks ago, I moved to a city where I have no blood family, no home to call my own, no serious interests, at least as of yet. I moved here with a dream that maybe I can relive my glory days of calling my favorite city in the world home… Perhaps it was chasing an ideal situation of being able to live in a country where I once found myself to be extremely happy. I moved here for an opportunity to make things work with everyone around me. I also moved here because any move or change was better than staying and trying to make it work in the city and town I was living in between 2017-2022. 

With the phrase of "you create happiness" always in mind, I had to work hard and look deep within to overcome my aversion to this small unknown city and province in Spain. There are good days and there are bad days. There are moments where I want to scream and insult everyone within an earshot, and also those who aren't, however who does that help? Yes, I'd rather be in a cold rainy corner of Spain that is filled with magic… A place where you can order raxo in all the bars and pulpo is the star dish. This majestic land is called A Coruña but let's face it, that's not where I am living and I won't be living there in the near future. Where I am living isn't horrible. It's different, just like all places, and I know and am confident that I will be happy here one day. 

With all that said, why then am I so miserable here? Why do I cringe and have a visceral response when people say "Oh! You live here now!" or when they see my address they say "Oh! Your house is right in the center." 

The other day, I went to a museum, and I had to explain why 1) I was unemployed (entrance fees are waived if you're unemployed) and 2) where I was from (records purposes). When I said that I just moved here, but that I'm American, she then asked where I am living or where I am registered. When I mentioned the name of the city, she said,"Oh perfect, you're officially a local" and proceeded to call me the nickname locals call themselves. The physical response of cringe was something I could not avoid but something I also was ashamed of. 

Why do I dislike this place so much? 

mef.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

4.22.22 Tyler, TX

So much has changed omg. I’m working back at my old elementary school. I’m moving to Spain. I’m looking into starting a new career. I’ve gone down in clothing sizes. I’m working out regularly again. I’ve lost 20 pounds on the scale. Life is good and mental health is good. I read some posts on this blog and it seems that I’m very much the same person, maybe just a bit wiser and calmer and more honest about where I’m going with life.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

Swedish death cleaning, Marie Kondo, minimalism… There’s a reason why many are choosing to go the more minimal route and that can mean differently to each individual.

For me, personally, it started out as it’s become easier to pack up and move when you don’t have a lot of clothes and little things. Since 2008, I’ve packed and moved and lived in 3 different countries, countless cities, and many rented houses and apartments.

Things took a deep turn into me really keeping what I liked to a minimum when I moved from Cordoba to Coruña and I was living in the mini tiny bedroom that was the size of my current bathroom here in my childhood home. I then moved to the opposite part of the country to Almeria where I thought I was going to get comfy and live for a while, but then moved to Texas just 10 months later. Fast forward 2 years, I moved to Florida in May 2019, and fast forward February 2020 my mom passed away suddenly and all of a sudden I was cleaning out the place where she lived in California and I also cleaned and combed through the majority of her belongings and paperwork here in Florida.

Long story short, I’m thankful that my mom was so minimal and organized that Jesus and I were able to clear out her belongings in California in less than 5 hours. She had more things in Florida, but it wasn’t that much more.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, now I’m minimal because of two reasons: having less material belongings have allowed me to enjoy my day to day more because of the lack of visual overload and things to clean up, organize, or even decide on what to wear how or how to my makeup (when you have a set few it’s easy to throw things on) and the second reason is that now more than ever, I’m more aware and accepting of my own mortality and I want to live my life not bogged down by material belongings (and what they come with ie debt, physical space in our homes, obligation) and when I pass away, I want my loved ones to have one less thing on their plate.

This is just my opinion of course but I wanted to share my thoughts anyway.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

Swedish death cleaning, Marie Kondo, minimalism… There’s a reason why many are choosing to go the more minimal route and that can mean differently to each individual.

For me, personally, it started out as it’s become easier to pack up and move when you don’t have a lot of clothes and little things. Since 2008, I’ve packed and moved and lived in 3 different countries, countless cities, and many rented houses and apartments.

Things took a deep turn into me really keeping what I liked to a minimum when I moved from Cordoba to Coruña and I was living in the mini tiny bedroom that was the size of my current bathroom here in my childhood home. I then moved to the opposite part of the country to Almeria where I thought I was going to get comfy and live for a while, but then moved to Texas just 10 months later. Fast forward 2 years, I moved to Florida in May 2019, and fast forward February 2020 my mom passed away suddenly and all of a sudden I was cleaning out the place where she lived in California and I also cleaned and combed through the majority of her belongings and paperwork here in Florida.

Long story short, I’m thankful that my mom was so minimal and organized that Jesus and I were able to clear out her belongings in California in less than 5 hours. She had more things in Florida, but it wasn’t that much more.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, now I’m minimal because of two reasons: having less material belongings have allowed me to enjoy my day to day more because of the lack of visual overload and things to clean up, organize, or even decide on what to wear how or how to my makeup (when you have a set few it’s easy to throw things on) and the second reason is that now more than ever, I’m more aware and accepting of my own mortality and I want to live my life not bogged down by material belongings (and what they come with ie debt, physical space in our homes, obligation) and when I pass away, I want my loved ones to have one less thing on their plate. The things we own aren’t that special. Memories and experience are more meaningful that tangible objects.

This is just my opinion of course but I wanted to share my thoughts anyway.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

30 Day Gratitude #2 What you find beautiful

Life after losing my mom.

I thought my world came crashing to an end when mommy died. What I found really beautiful though is what happened afterwards. My relationships improved after her passing. After Mommy passed away, I started realizing that my time here is limited and that I need to be the best version of myself that I can be. I was scared at first, but if I try my best every single day, speaking in every conversation in a loving tone, I know that I can live a life of peace and inspiring others to do the same.

To me this is the most beautiful thing that I have learned.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

30 Day Gratitude #1 About your body

I love my body. I learned this way too late in life. Growing up in Filipino culture, I was told that I was too fat, too short, a Lola in Royal Palm Beach told me that people with my kind of body (fat) was one that will stop me from doing a lot of things like moving and other activities.

Medically speaking, I am overweight. If you input my weight and height into any BMI reader thing, it will say that I''m overweight.

What DOESN'T show on that BMI percentage however, is how before lock down, I did CrossFit 5-6 days a week. That I squat almost twice my body weight. That when I wake up in the morning, I see my top abs. I love seeing this in the morning.

My body hikes... Lifts weight. Does yoga, dances Zumba, gives good hugs, goes for runs. In October 2019, my body even won a CrossFit Powerlifting Competition. In August 2018, my body competed in an Olympic Weightlifting Competition in Spain. In February 2016, my body won an Olympic Weightlifting Competition in Spain.

I love what my body can do. I'm grateful for its ability to go on long hikes... Remember that 32 KM hike that we did back in 2016? That was fun. Remember that time we went rock climbing in Austin? And we didn't use harnesses... Just went up and down like badasses? That was fun too.

Thank you body for moving and allowing me to do lots of different things in life.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

I'm working on being less combative and improving my communication skills, especially when dealing ignorance. My go-to is to attack, offend, and bring up facts from the past to cause harm to the person. The main practice I'm working on is always give people the benefit of the doubt, address the issue, or simply walk away. (I don't always do this, sometimes I still engage in conversation with the ignorant which, yes, makes me ignorant too.)

Daily meditation and journaling first thing in the morning has helped me with all of this. In the past month, I started waking up between 4-5 am so I can meditate, do yoga, journal, go to the gym to do some weights, all before 6am and before I open my computer and 'start the day'. I choose to start my days focusing on what I can control (mental and physical health), and not what I let others feed into my precious time and energy.

I invite you all to try this because it has helped me achieve some sort of inner peace and the agressive and offensive Maria comes out less and less each day.

Here's a sample of what my first two hours look like:

4:15am Wake up, pee, drink two glasses of water, and diffuse lavender and peppermint all over the house (yes, I'm one of those)

4:20am Lie on my yoga mat or in bed and do 10 minutes of breathing in and out (using the breathing app on my apple watch) while thinking of an affirmation (this week is I'm focused, driven, and respectful). I choose this based on my how my week is going and this week I was very disrectful to someone so I'm internalizing this affirmation so it does not happen again in the future. I then go into a 10 minute yoga routine (my go to is Yoga with Kassandra on YouTube) and if I don't feel like watching a video, I simple do several cat cow poses, downward dog, and cobra for about 5-10 breaths each)

4:30/4:40 Get dressed for the gym and leave!

5:30 Come home, do another stretch, drink more water and get out my Panda Planner. Prepare what I'll eat for lunch, help my love with making a smoothie or whatever last minute things are needed.

6:00 Open my computer and read those emails.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

I did NOT go to the dollar tree. I made a protein shake instead and went for a run. Have a beautiful day.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

What a bitch...

My mom worked in the ICU probably the longest in her career. She knew what the body did. She knew what the signs and symptoms were… The only thing I ever really knew of the situation is that she woke up from having severe stomach pains and she had her family take her to the hospital. I don't know what kind of hospital this is, but when I looked online, it looked like your typical hospital in a rural part of a poor country. So, ew.

The last time I spoke with my mom she was complaining about her stomach pain but she was already in the hospital bed and her breathing was labored, she mentioned she was hypotensive and that she also had severe diaphoresis. I also saw via the FaceTime call that she was getting IV fluids.

I didn't get to say I love you… That I won't forget… I also won't forget how my sister came in barging into my bedroom (its her house, so it’s not really my bedroom bc I’m a squatter there. And by squat I don’t mean the movement I do in the gym so my ass can get to Kardashian proportions… rather… I live in her house for free…

Back to the story, she came at around 2:30 in the morning on February 16, 2020 waking me up saying they are resuscitating mommy.

I get that I fucking failed patho just the summer before… but I feel like I got enough out of foundations and health assessment and physical examination that resuscitation by definition is the act of reviving someone who is either unconscious or they may be dead…

My sister stood next to me and I sat on my bed playing with her dog’s who I like to pretend is mine bc he’s precious and perfect… And after what seemed like both a minute and hours of attempting to communicate and understand what exactly was happening in a weird mix of English and Tagalog with the nurses on the ICU floor, the nurse finally said that “she expired”.

Why am I writing all of this? Well, I just took an exam dealing with heart failure… And what sucks about learning and studying this shit is that now I get to process and learn what my mom was going through the 24 hours before "she expired".

There's a tutor I really enjoy in my program… He works in Neuro ICU and he was mentioning how when he had "to go" he wanted it via insulin bolus because he didn't want to waste away in a hospital bed being tube fed etc. Weird… my mom said that too. She said that the day she has to wear a diaper she would disappear and we'll never know where she went off to. My sister joked that we'd know where she went off to because she'd have a trail of pee behind her so we'll know how to track her.

When I was telling my NP (this amazing woman who also specializes in psych, but I wasn't there for that, I was only there for a routine yearly physical, strong and as bull, duh) about this because she asked for the usual… any major life events blah blah? Oh, like other than the pandemic, all types of education being virtual, and my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly from a heart attack. She knew that my mom was an ICU Nurse in Palo Alto… She also knew that my whole family was medically-inclined (is that a word?) Then she said, it may have been sudden for you, but I don't think it was sudden for your mom. I told my sister this and she said that when she went to the Philippines to pick up my mom's ashes to bring back to the US, she met with the pulmonologist who took care of my mom. Apparently my mom was giving orders even in the hospital bed for what labs and tests to run… Bad ass bitch.

The woman knew her shit. I miss her quizzing me… I miss her writing papers with me where she'd make up lab values and diagnoses. She was amazing at everything when it came to healthcare and medicine. I wish I could share all of this with her now.

-m

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

It was my birthday a week ago. I’ve been 34 for 7 days now. So much fun. This summed up my birthday week perfectly. Hanging out with my ukulele and wearing this dress that’s the only thing that is cool enough for me to wear since all my clothes in Texas are winter clothes. Hahaha.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

I was sitting in the car today and I want to add a big life goal... I know I said before I think an MBA would be awesome to have under my belt.

But now I’m thinking maybe a Master’s in Public Health would be an amazing thing as well. There’s a dual degree program at Harvard for MSN and MPH... Or I can get my master’s here in Tyler and save money at the same time and then do a summer session at Harvard nd earn my MPH that way.

I’m going to go to an Ivy League university. I have it in me. Little projects to work on. I am getting this boost of self esteem because I’m scoring so well on my exams. We had our first pharmacology exam and I did well on it... and then I did really well on OB too. All the studying is paying off. I feel even confident in getting an A on everything this semester. I will work hard at it!

I’m kind, hard working, and consistent. That’s what I am using as my affirmation on my planner at the moment. This planner was a good investment. It makes me think and also makes me accountable. Crazy how life has changed since February... But I’ll make my mom proud. It’s already June! My birthday month. YAY!

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

what’s the most story-worth thing that happened today?

May 10, 2020

Today I woke up at 7:00 am because it was Sunday, and we were going to go on a hike in Mission Tejas. It's become one of my favorite trails around here. It has decent uphills and downhills and the scenery is also beautiful.

The drive there was an odd one. I woke up this morning and checked facebook (mistake #1) and saw that everyone was posting Mother's Day photos. COOL! I don't have a mom to greet Mother's Day.

Fast forward to the drive in the car, we were driving Mommy's SUV to the park and it was nice riding in that car because it was so spacious. I then realized we HAD Mommy's car, because, you know, she passed away… And I then cried for over an hour straight. No matter what I did I couldn't stop the tears from falling. I missed her so much.

I told Jesús that I didn't want to go hiking anymore. He offered for us to turn around but there was another couple behind us who was going hiking as well. I told him no… In my head I figured I'd stay behind, take a nap in the car, or maybe I can, I don't know, go on the trail by myself and walk in silence.

When we got to the trail, I finally stopped crying and I was quiet for a little bit then I started talking more. It ended up being a pleasant walk around the park and I was happy that my workout was finished. We kept a good pace for the most part and didn't have to slow down or anything.

We also had a nice little picnic in the trees and talked about fish and other outdoor plans for the future.

When we got home, I basically cried myself to another nap… To wake up to yet another crying session… Spoke on the phone with Mrs. Guardo and realized again that I have so much to live for and to be thankful for. I also spoke with Ninang Alice and I really liked talking to her.

The best part was finner. We ate dumplings we made the night before along with scallion pancakes from my sourdough starter. Fucking delicious.

The day started out pretty shitty, but dinner and the hike, and the wonderful women who are like mothers to me made it all worth it.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

What am I grateful for? I'm grateful for my sister and her thoughtfulness and generosity. It was my dad's birthday today and she bought Filipino food and we ate lunch together with my dad and did the best we could considering the situation.

Who I checking in with/connecting with? Today I spoke with Bryn and we caught up a bit. I also spoke with Kathleen and had a great heart to heart with her. I also had a good whatsapp conversation with Cesar... He lost his dad a year or two ago and he was telling me that the paperwork that enabled him and his brother to move along with necessary things did not happen until 6 months after he passed. That is a LONG ass time but wow.

What expectations of normal am I getting go of? Normal that family members will try hard to help each other. It's never going to be fair, people's priorities will change through time, and that is okay.

How am I getting outside today? I didn't go outside today. AHH! I will do better tomorrow.

How am I moving my body? I will do a 12 minute walking video on YouTube.

What beauty am I creating? I am writing and maintaining a positive outlook and writing down reflections of what beautiful things DID happen today.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

Ahora sé porque te fuiste a California a vivir. Es insoportable vivir en una casa con una persona desagradable que sólo piensa en él mismo. Es horrorosa esta situación y ahora lo estoy viendo con ojos muy abiertos y lo siento mucho.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

I miss you all the time.

I’m happy I wasn’t such a shitty daughter the last few months that you were alive... I hope I made you happy. I hope I made you proud.

I was tired and wanted to go home but you wanted to go to CityPlace after dinner to walk around and take pictures, remember? I’m happy we went. I’m happy you told me stories. I’m happy you said that I had changed and I was a better person.

I’m happy we had funny selfies when we had our final chat on the phone. I wish I asked you all these questions I wanted to know about you. I wish I got to tell you how proud of you I am, was, ever will be.

I wish I told you that you were my favorite person. I wish you knew how strong and intelligent you are, were.

People have told me several times that they never saw the church so packed for a funeral. You’re really special and people love you. I can only imagine what an impact you had on many people.

You’re the greatest person I know. I wish I can be half as good as you.

I miss you, Mommy. And I always will.

[mariaemilynfinkernagel]

I’m crying less and when something triggers me to want to cry, I make this ugly face but no tears come out.

Maybe I’ve run out?