marinelife2009

[marinelife2009]

Sunday

I think this has been the weirdest time of my life truthfully. I am healing parts of me easier and it's like I have a clear head on a lot of things. I am way less self loathing than I usually am so that's also a weird thing. I've been journaling so much lately it's sort of nuts. I have never wrote this much about my feelings in my life. I've started writing letters that i'll never send to people about how i'm feeling. i'm seeing music in ways i haven't before and loving things in a more intense and different way. i've missed my friends so much i forgot how much of me was in michigan. my room is comforting and i've been going out so much lately that i'm doing good id say. my new starbucks has been SO fun to work at, everyone is so funny. i'm trying to overcome sitting in bed right now since i got my room arranged for the most part. i have been trying to get started on learning spanish and some new sewing projects. i have a lot of people supporting me right now and being so kind and interactive with me. i am so excited to go to chicago again too. i feel like im relearning everything i loved about myself and the world around me again. i dont really know what it was about california but i feel like i can really just exist again, i genuinely felt possessed there. maybe it really was the nature. i hope it only continues to go up from here.

[marinelife2009]

Thursday

it's been a while since ive posted.. ive been consumed by social media again as much as i try to deny it. getting adjusted to my new job is stressful, since most people say it takes 3 months to be comfortable in a position, and 6 months to be confident. i've also been consistently sick the past few months i've been here. truthfully i miss michigan way more than i thought i would and being here has made me realize what is important to me in a living situation (for the most part). ive wanted to live the cali life that people crave so bad but honestly its just not for me. i dont really like the desert! its dry and although i love the sun i hate that theres barely any greenery here in socal. maybe if i was norcal itd be better. i feel now more than ever is a time i need to be honing into what i need to fix in myself, since i dont have too many financial obligations like i did last year. its hard when i want to be able to just do it myself, and i dont have a good history with therapy. ive run into a few problems with some close friends lately and it's making me feel like 2023 again when i lost like four super important people in my life. im hoping i can just find one really good self help book and itll fix my issues LOL. ive been pretty inconsistent with friends lately (busy and also avoidant when reaching out) and im not sure if its necessary for me right now or me trying to shield myself. i'm sure i'll figure it out with due time. theres so much pressure to do everything immediately instead of letting life take me on it's journey and finding things naturally. love yall

[marinelife2009]

Wednesday

Made this hair clip for remy. Im in chicago now! Super excited for this week.

[marinelife2009]

Saturday

Having to care about taking care of myself and being mindful now is so annoying LOL last year I couldn't give less of a shit about what happened to me and now I have responsibilities and the such. I know that was like me being at an incredibly low stage of my life, but part of it was freeing in a way. I just did shit and didn't care too heavy about the outcome in terms of self preservation. I don't think I could ever go back to that with what I know and care about now (which is a good thing). I've been reading a lot lately, some self help books included, and it's almost embarrassing how much I embody the generic intense emotional abuse victim. I am having to juggle quite a lot right now, while also doing nothing at all it's a weird medium. I know I need therapy and knowing that I need that is irking in itself, like I cant function to my fullest potential without it, or really even my mid potential LMAO. I think fall always makes me feel a certain type of way. I've been thinking about old friendships a lot lately. I feel I get lonelier every year despite being surrounded by people who love me. That's a cover for something deeper inward I'm sure that I need to look at obviously but the feeling itself is still there. Just full of confusing stuff lately and depression is hitting me in a different way than it usually does (maybe testosterone is a factor?) so coping with it in new ways that I haven't thought of before is interesting. I have thought of taking up writing recently but getting my thoughts out in a cohesive way is a struggle for me.. but maybe that'd be a good exercise for it? I am unsure. Procrastination and insecurity are my biggest issues as of going through my day to day tasks right now. Not much else to say, love you guys !

[marinelife2009]

monday

i got my nyan cat tattoo technically today, was super awesome. i felt really shit all of today and yesterday and i ended up cancelling plans on david i feel horrible about it. otherwise im excited for the rest of the month.. hope youve all been well

[marinelife2009]

thursday

hi guys hmm... currently most looking forward to my nyan cat tattoo its like a homage to my young self..

id like to flesh this out more, i really like how neocities works but i cannot fathom coding in the slightest.. it feels weird to have blog posts on here or 'diary entries' since its a website that you can like and share on.. i want to traditionally 'surf the web'

i have to finish sewing and drawing but getting use to my new tablet is hard and my back freaking hurts.. anyways bye

[marinelife2009]

SOTD- .44 caliber love letter by alexisonfire

[marinelife2009]

monday

yesterday i made cinnamon apple braided bread for mabon. got my car fixed today and still working on the layout of this page

[marinelife2009]

[marinelife2009]

I'm out of here