mariofart25

[mariofart25]

english final i went crazy on I think

tw suicide and gay people

A Cry for Help

Monday

“Valerie, get up!” my dad yelled, “It’s your first day of school, you don’t wanna be late!” I jumped out of my bed, and put on my pink fluffy bunny slippers, “Ok dad, I’m coming.” “Let’s get you into your uniform,” he said before handing me a blue shirt and a pair of khakis. I put on the clothes. I ate breakfast with him, we both had a bowl of cereal and a banana.

He put my folder into my bag, and made sure that I brought my stuff with me so I was ready for the day. I got into his car and got in the back. “Have a good day at school,” he said before I got out of his car. “My day was ok,” I told him when I got back in his car. We drove home and ate dinner. I got in the bath because my dad said, “I don’t want to make you get up for one tomorrow morning.” I'm going to sleep after I finish writing this.

Good night journal.

Tuesday

I'm writing this from the hospital today. I woke up really early today and put on my red collared shirt and navy blue pants. Mom made me breakfast today. She made pancakes with bananas and blueberries she put into a happy face. Dad drove me to school, but still didn’t talk to me and I don't know why. I hope he’s not mad at me for something I did. He wished me a good day at school at least so I hope he was just tired.

I made a friend today!! Her name is Lara and she has pretty caramel colored eyes with the same color hair. She complimented me about my hair and told me she wanted to be friends and she sat with me at lunch and gave me her milk. On the way home dad still didn’t talk and I thought he was really mad at me for something and I started crying and he tried to help me but he lost control and something keeps whispering it’s all my fault.

Good night journal.

Wednesday

I had a nightmare about dad again, and I woke up crying…the voice hasn’t stopped. It’s been so long and it wont stop. It stays quiet around Lara; I’m glad she was there for me when nobody else was. Mom yelled at me again, but I don’t know what to do anymore. How can I make up for it? On my walk to school, I saw a cute black cat. The voice said that I should avoid it, but the cat walked up to me and I couldn’t resist.

School sucked, I had another panic attack and everyone was staring. I don't understand why they can’t just put me on something to help. The voice is getting more talkative, it told me that something was going to happen to Lara if she kept talking to me. I don’t understand why it said that. I think I like Lara; she’s been so kind to me so how could I not. I’m gonna go to bed and hope she texts me by morning.

Good night journal.

Thursday

I woke up before the birds started chirping today and couldn’t fall back asleep. I decided to take a bath to relax, since I hadn't got any free time in a while. The voice said I didn’t deserve to relax after what happened with Dad. Lara messaged me early and told me that after she got home she fell asleep really quickly, I understand though honestly. I’ve been really stressed lately with finals and finding a high school to go to. I think she has a good chance of getting into one honestly, she's always been way smarter than me and is always willing to help someone who needs it.

Mom was still in the house after I got out of the bath and she started yelling at me for not doing the dishes. I did all of them last night but she was mad about the dishes from her breakfast. The voice told me that I deserved it for what happened with Dad. I started crying because of what it said and ran back up to my room before my mom could say anything else. I wish that there was a way for it to get out of my head. I want to run away; Mom is getting more and more angry everyday. She threw a cup at my door after I ran to my room.

I wish someone believed me about the voice but nobody will.

I asked Lara out when we got to school, and she said yes!!! We’re going to the mall tomorrow and getting ice cream after school!! I hope everything is ok. The voice is telling me its all my fault but isn’t mentioning what happened with my dad. I’m scared for it’s talking about, but the voice only talks about stuff that has happened, so I think it’s just trying to mess with my head.

Good night journal.

Friday

I can't do this anymore, the voice was right. I need to listen to it more, I should’ve listened to what it said was gonna happen to Lara. I should’ve listened to it when it told me that it was my fault for what was going to happen. I should have listened, but i didn’t. Lara is dead because I didn’t listen.

I guess I should write down what happened. We went out to the mall and we bought candles, jewelry, and some cute matching clothes. After that we walked to the Dairy Queen that was close to the school. She got a sundae and I got a heath blizzard. The voice told me that it wasn’t too late to save her. We finished our ice cream and laughed at each others jokes, I felt at peace with her. When we finished our ice cream we started walking back to the school so her mom could pick her up.

A truck ran a light, and she pushed me out of the way before I could get hit. Her crumpled body laid motionless on the pavement, blood pooling from her. I knew in that moment, that the voice was right. That it was my fault her life had been ripped from her. I killed her after all she had done for me, how can I live on without her? How could I go on without the one person who understood me? Without the person who helped me with my dad’s death?

Good night journal.

Saturday

The voice told me to get up, so at least Lara’s sacrifice would mean something. So that at least my dad’s death meant something. It’s so hard to get up in the morning, it’s so hard for me to find the energy to get out of bed. The only stability I have is the voice, the only support I have is the voice that used to haunt me. It’s nice listening to the voice, not having to think about what I’m going to do.

I visited their graves again. I dropped off flowers for Lara, and begged for her forgiveness. I hope she forgives me, that she doesn’t hate me for killing her. I hope she likes the tulips I grew for her. I saw her mom walking to the grave. She hates me for what happened to her daughter. Why did she have to save me? She slapped me and told me it should’ve been me instead. She’s right, the voice whispered. If you had listened to me she wouldn’t be dead. I can’t go on.

Good night journal.

Sunday

The voice told me I should just do it already, so I listened. I’m preparing for it tonight. I know what and when I’m going to do it. I went to the bank, and withdrew all my money. I gave it to Lara’s mom, she slapped me for even going near her house. For showing my face around Lara’s home. I should’ve done this sooner. The voice is so loud but I can't tell what it’s saying. I can’t focus anymore. I can’t do anything without seeing her. I can’t close my eyes without seeing her broken body.

I went to their graves for the last time, I hope they forgive me.

I sold everything of mine that I could. I gave the money to Mom to make up for everything she’s given to me. She snatched it and told me that it wasn’t close to enough to make up for Dad’s death. The voice has to be a punishment. It has to be a punishment for killing them. When I go to hell, I hope they can be at peace. I hope they can forgive me.

Thank you

Thank you mom for taking care of me. Thank you for helping me understand that this is how it ends for me. Thank you to Lara’s mom for letting me see how little my life means. Thank you Dad for exposing me to this voice. I’m sorry you had to die for me to see it. Thank you Lara for helping me through so much. Thank you for everything you’ve done. I’m sorry your sacrifice was for nothing. It would’ve happened eventually anyways. It happens to everyone, right? Nobody is going to miss me regardless, so why delay the inevitable? I’m a waste of resources, so many people could’ve eaten, could’ve gotten water. But they didn’t because of me.

Finally thank you to the voice, for guiding me through life after Lara’s death. For telling me the truth after Dad’s. Thank you for being so kind to me through everything that’s happened. Thank you for being the pillar of support that I’ve needed. I wish I had listened to your guidance so that I could have saved Lara. I was foolish for not listening to you. So in my final day, my final journal entry, I am listening to you. I am at the end of my rope and I will soon be at the end of a real one.

Goodbye journal.