marissa-fields-blog

[marissa-fields-blog]

Cough Syrup || Self Para

Screw it, this is AU or it's not I don’t even care I just need to write to write and Marissa’s my baby so if you have a problem with it, please come talk to me about it civilly, although I don't see a problem with this given that, you know, she's an OC and not part of a roleplay anymore...But I do mention some characters so I don't know for sure. I don’t know what else to say except possible tw so read at your own risk.

She didn't know why she was so sluggish and unsocial lately. She just didn't want to talk to anyone, didn't want to deal with any sympathetic looks or knowing smiles, imagined or not. Marissa didn't know how to deal with any of it. She wasn't used to it and she didn't want to be either. She wanted everything to be like it used to be, but that wasn't possible. She thought back to when she and Darren had spoken about people who killed themselves. She understood what he had been trying to say now, she thought. He had argued that they found relief. She had thought they would just relive their death over and over in the Underworld. That didn't seem so bad, though. Not anymore. Not when she couldn't think of a single good reason to live. Giving in seemed like it would be relief now. And maybe that was her problem. She hadn't understood anything. And now, when she did, she didn't want to. It wasn't simple or easy and she didn't want any part in it if there wasn't any reason to living. And what was the point? She was just going to die in the end anyhow. As a demigod, her end would likely be sooner than someone who was fully human, too. Why not just speed up the process?

Decision made, Marissa went to the bathroom to look for something to help her speed up what was inevitable. There were painkillers and cough medicines and normal, medicine cabinet drugs but not enough of only one to help her in any way. Maybe if she mixed them all something would happen, but there was always the chance that it wouldn't. She decided to find some alcohol, too, because there were all those warnings for not taking most medicines and drinking on the labels. She couldn't believe those were simply pointless and she was sure one of her siblings had something stashed somewhere. She would find it later, though. She uncapped a small bottle of Tyllenol and swallowed pill after pill until there were only a few pills remaining, then moved on to a cylinder, travel pack of Advil and a bottle of sleep medicine, and did the same with each bottle after it until she got to the cough syrup. She carefully poured out two tablespoons at a time, drinking each one slowly. Things were beginning to get a little hazy and she was feeling a bit lightheaded. She was pretty sure she had spilled some of the syrup. She made her way back to her bunk to lie down and wait for the spasms and vomiting and other bad things she knew would come. 

But now, she was just so sleepy. Everything was too warm and too fuzzy and, even though she felt sick to her stomach, she didn't care. In a way, it was one last experiment. How many types of medicine does it take to kill a demigod? It sounded almost like a bad joke and Marissa felt an overwhelming urge to giggle, but her stomach gave a lurch and she squeezed her eyes shut to keep the world away. All of a sudden, everyone she cared about rushed into her mind. Her father would be so sad. Her mother would be disappointed in her, and probably a little disgusted that she would even do such a thing. Tabby or Annabeth or one of her other sisters would probably find her body and she couldn't even imagine what they would be feeling.

She thought of Darren and how angry he would be with her for being so stupid. Chris and Daisy Cloe and her other friends. She thought of everyone in camp, every reaction and suddenly she felt like crying or going and trying to tell someone what she did, but she realized that, while she didn't want any of them to have to go through that because of her, she didn't want to be around to see the disappointment and the worry and the watchful eyes following her as if she might stab herself at any moment if she did tell someone now. Besides, it didn't really change the fact that she didn't want to go through life like a zombie, wondering when there would be a point to it all. She squeezed her eyes closed a little tighter and just waited for the pain to come, thinking of nothing but the relief she felt to be escaping, to have finally found a way out.

[marissa-fields-blog]

lol kill yourself

You don’t understand how words affect people. You don’t know how many times I’ve sat in my room with tissues pressed to my wrists, hips, thighs, wherever, to stop it from bleeding. You don’t know how many times I’ve sat there holding a bottle of aspirin and just thinking about how easy it would be to let go. You don’t know how many times I’ve put the bottle back in my closet because I’ve decided that maybe tomorrow will be better, but I won’t know unless I’m alive to see it. You don’t know how many times I’ve actually given up and swallowed pill after pill. You don’t know how grateful I am to my best friend that she found me before I could bleed to death. You don’t know how resentful I am of my best friend because she found me before I could bleed to death. You don’t know how many times I’ve cried because of “innocent" little comments made at school or by my parents that make me want to starve myself or find the razors I know that I threw away a month ago. You don't know how much I actually want to die, or at least not live.

And I know you don’t know any of this because if you did, you wouldn’t even think about sending a message like this, no matter how much you hate me. Messages like this aren’t a game. They aren’t funny. Those two words can send a person over the edge. How would you feel if I had actually done it? If I gave in? If I just decided why should I bother if everyone thinks I shouldn’t even be here? 

I hope you’re happy with yourself.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Marissa stood quietly and watched him react, careful not to meet his eyes. She didn't even correct him when he cursed, although she did give him a sharp look. She gave a small, almost imperceptible nod when he began speaking, smiling just slightly. Of course it wouldn't be as easy to tell him and then walk away. She listened without comment, even though she was tempted to tell him to stop cussing again, until he got to the bit about Spencer. "That was just as much, if not all, my fault and don't bother saying otherwise. I had absolutely no right to be jealous and you know it as well as I do." she quipped as lightly as she could manage. He digested what he had said, though, and nodded. She could understand that. You couldn't talk about certain things with certain people. A wave of guilt washed over her when he mentioned her leaving and that it hurt, and she looked down at the ground again. "I'm sorry." she whispered, not looking up still. She said it for more than just leaving. She felt awful that she had complicated things. She had been naive to think that maybe it wouldn't matter to him, he'd just feel sorry for her, the little sister figure with a crush on him. She didn't mean to mess anything up or for him to even return anything she felt, although she didn't have any control over that whatsoever. Marissa looked back for a moment before looking away again. "She's your girlfriend, Darren. Obviously she makes you happy and that's plenty for me." she returned stubbornly. To say she was surprised by his hug was an understatement, but his kiss, even though it was on the cheek, left her speechless. She stiffened, but wrapped her arms around him and buried her face into his chest again, feeling both the most comfortable and uncomfortable she'd been in a long time. She pulled back and let out a short bark of laughter. "You had to tell me? Right." she said, only a little sarcastic. "I'm sorry I told you. It complicated a lot and I just, I'm sorry." she added sincerely. She pressed her lips together uncertainly, but she gave a small, weary nod. "I won't give up, then," she said hesitantly, sure there wasn't a chance he'd break up with Natalie. It was nice to hope, but she really doubted he'd give her up and she didn't expect him to.

As she frowned he couldn’t help but think that something was up. He nodded in response, rubbing his hands together as he waited for her to speak about what was causing her this angst. “I won’t.” He promised. He watched her intently as she composed herself. As she spoke he couldn’t help but mentally curse himself. For being such and idiot and not seeing it sooner. Thing was that he’d always felt the same toward her just so many things got in the way. And he never knew how to tell her, he was different with her. He tried to keep his posture, and his neutral being. He took a deep breathe, exhaling. Trying to calm himself before he did something he’d regret. In reality he still had Natalie, they’d promised they wouldn’t cheat on each other, after both admitting to being terrible at relationships. “Fucking hell, Marissa.” His fists clenching and unclenching. “Now’s my turn to talk, because there is no way in hell that I’m letting you walk off with this one.” He begins to casually pace, looking at her as he does. “As much as I would shrug this off, it’s kind of impossible. One being that back when Carson was being a bitch, I liked you too. But as much of a bad boyfriend I was I’d always felt that way even with Mitch around.” He closes his eyes at that part trying to recompose himself. Mitch was still a touchy subject with him, he wishes to forget about it, like it never happened. One of the reasons he hasn’t even told Natalie yet. He thinks it’s not important but sure as hell he’s lying to himself about that one. “I know, that’s really fucked up of me to say, having almost married the son of a bitch. And the whole Spencer thing, that explains that fight we had. Which was stupid of me. I push too fucking much. I like definite answers. And as much as I wanted to tell you then, I was still going through some shit, which is why I had Spencer, she was just a friend, we were both fucked up at the time and needed people.” He shrugs as he says this, emotions never being his forte. “And when you left, well that surprised the fuck out of me, mainly when I’d just gotten a grip of myself. And then Natalie came around and you being nowhere to be found, fucking hell if I don’t admit that it fucking hurt. And when you came around, that was the most awkward shit, I had no idea what the fuck to do. Because no matter what shit I’ve been through you’ve always been a part of me, even if you weren’t there. I’ve always liked you, Marissa. And I know sure as hell it’s fucked up that I’m telling you now.” He spoke as he ran his hands through his hair. “Fucking hell. Don’t say that. Don’t say you’ll be happy about it. Don’t.” His jaw clenched, as he tries to calm down from his rant. Moving her face to look at him, his posture more relaxed as his expression. He pulls her into a hug, and leaves a kiss on her cheek. Knowing he’d be completely fucked over if he pushed for more. Natalie would have his head on a steak, and he couldn’t break her trust like that. “I’m sorry, I had to tell you at a shitty time. Just don’t give up on me.” He knew it’d be tricky, but he knew that he wanted her. And frankly he didn’t know what he was going to do. And choosing was never his forte. But he had to do something before everything when to shit.

[marissa-fields-blog]

[marissa-fields-blog]

[marissa-fields-blog]

Good to know. That would come in handy in a lot of a different situations. Don't judge me, I was like eleven.

Uh yeah, it is difficult but possible. I’ve done it before but yeah.. She was? That’s cool..

[marissa-fields-blog]

You're lucky that way. I've heard you can do it to others but that it's harder for most of you. Oh, I used to love that show when I was little. She was my idol. That must have been fun.

You should, I will. My dreams are always fascinating to me, mainly because I can manipulate them to how I wish. It’s fun, I can do it to others, I think. It’s quite hard but really funny. I met Hannah Montana once.. I was like on the show.

[marissa-fields-blog]

I don't blame you. The cabin does look pretty great, though.

Welp, looks like this place didn't explode in the five days I was gone.

[marissa-fields-blog]

That's always a good sign.

Welp, looks like this place didn't explode in the five days I was gone.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Thank you, that's all I can hope for. You seem alright yourself. It's a little average, but thank you. It just...lulls you into a peaceful state and you just relax to the point where you want to sleep. I think I'll end up having to go to sleep soon.

You’re a nice person, really nice. Marissa is a pretty name and don’t mention it.. People don’t realize, or remember how strong it all is when you go in because it seems so subtle and normal.

[marissa-fields-blog]

-looks away so he can dress- I told you not to worry about it, it's fine. Just the nice thing to do. Oh, wait, I'm Marissa, not tired. It's alright, I should've thought about that a bit more. My mother would be disappointed.

[he yawns after her, smiling as he slowly redresses in front of her] Thanks again. Yeah.. Me too. I should of warned you about that.. Sorry.. Cabin does that worse to others who aren’t Hypnos’ children.

[marissa-fields-blog]

-comes back with clothes, yawning- Don't mention. It's nice to meet you, Charlie. I'm...really tired, you're right. Sleep, sleep sounds good.

Ah.. Yeah.. uh, thanks! Thank you, I’m Charlie.. by the way.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Well, I misunderstood that very well. That'd work as well, though. It's no problem, just give me like five minutes and I'll go grab you some.

I was thinking more.. induce on others so they didn’t, uh, see.. And please! I would be like so happy if you could.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Well, of course. Do you want me to get you some clothes or something? While it'd be hilarious to see you pass out while running, I don't think that'd be too fun for you.

Yeah, I just.. Get tired easily, well I don’t have to but it’s so nice to sleep a lot.. I could run.. Induce sleep, that would be amusing but embarrassing.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Um, hey. No, probably not...You must be one of Hypnos's, right? It was probably just another one of Cabin 11's pranks because they knew you'd just want to head back to bed and now you..can't, really.

Uh hi, good idea.. I don’t think walking around.. uh, naked.. is a good idea. I was taking a shower. Didn’t think this would happen and I’m so tired.

[marissa-fields-blog]

Check the Hermes cabin and trees around wherever you, uh...lost them. And hope you aren't the nymphs' bad side because then they might be full of mud and bugs.

Very funny. Whoever took my clothes… give them back so I can get to my bed.. Please.

[marissa-fields-blog]

That would be brilliant. I just want to travel everywhere. Italy being at the top of that list, then Ireland. I've heard Amsterdam is beautiful, especially in the springtime.

Greece and Amsterdam are my two places I have to go before I die. There should be camps in every country so we can just pop in and out of different ones.