mars-archived

[mars-archived]

recipe for love | hvc

pairing: vernon x reader genre: non idol!au, fluff, strangers to ?? warnings: the words 'stitches' and 'needle' in the context of crochet, lots of crochet references btw, the word 'surgery' in the context of someone focused, not proofread!! a/n: this turned out completely different from what i had planned, and i basically wrote all of it in one sitting. no idea if it makes any sense bc i'm sleep deprived. but i hope you enjoy :)

you never expected the crocheting afternoon meetings in your garage to turn into anything serious. it started with you and your grandmother, just spending time together and sharing a passion. then, she invited some of her artisan friends, and you loved having them around to learn and hear stories from. next thing you know, the garage is now a full on crafting workshop and you have around thirteen people coming every week. one of them is vernon.

he signed up for a class having absolutely no experience with the crafting world, which is fine, by the way; and didn’t even know which style to explore first — if accessories, clothes or amigurumi, for example. the latter ended up being the chosen one, after you showed him a cute little frog you had on display.

you still recalled how confused he got when counting the stitches during chain practices, even declaring ‘i'm starting to believe i can't count, actually’, to which you replied ‘what up, i’m vernon, i’m 19, and i never really learned how to math. a very stupid vine reference, you admit, that could’ve backfired pretty easily had he not been a chronically online dude. not that you knew it already, but the shy smile and surprised look he gave you confirmed as such. he had a pretty smile.

you got a bit more comfortable around each other after this day, and his questions were now more frequent, which in turn made him struggle a bit less.

just a bit.

because there were countless times his yarn would tangle itself while he tried to work with it, not yet having found a comfortable way to place things. he once showed up with a silver glitter black yarn to work with, which he justified by simply saying ‘looks fire'. you winced upon seeing it, and he quickly found out why. 

“y/n… why didn’t you tell me i wouldn’t see a thing with black yarn?” he (almost) cried out “dude, i don’t think i’ve made more than ten stitches so far and i already can’t sort them out” he looked at you desperately, almost as if  waiting for you to fix it.

“you’ve made seventeen, vernon” you corrected with a smile, “seventeen?” the surprise was evident in his tone “see!? this makes no sense!”. you giggled, already feeling proud of your next comment “i do see, actually. don’t think you can say the same, though”.

there was also the time he almost gave up on crocheting after reading a pattern sheet for the first time, full of abbreviations he did not know. ‘dude, i haven’t even mastered the government name of these things, and you tell me there’s a recipe full of them written in 280 twitter characters?” he confessed, and this time you actually thought he’d give up. you were glad to be wrong.

despite the confusion, mistakes and suffering he went through twice a week, vernon never missed any classes. he paid attention to everything you and your grandma said, even if it wasn’t specifically for him. he took notes and sometimes even asked to film your hands as you taught him a new stitch or move. you really admired that in him, because most people would just make up an excuse and never show up again at the slightest difficulty, especially younger people like you and him. so it was nice, for once, to have someone actually stay.

today’s class was a special one for you. the new ‘students’ — vernon and the 15 year-old twin girls — were going to start their first cupcake; one of the most popular beginner-friendly patterns. to you they were almost a rite of passage, from zero to little (knowledge), and a reason to be very proud. most learners would be very excited for this class, because it was finally a big project, something palpable that they could work for and actually brag about to non-crocheters.

but maybe not vernon. 

it’s been half an hour since you started, and although all group members were free to join at any point during the 90-minute class, he just wasn’t one to be late. sure, something could’ve come up, at home or at work, maybe he got sick — though this wasn’t exactly a positive option —, or maybe he was just… not interested anymore. think about it, he hasn’t even paid for this month’s remaining classes (he chose to pay them biweekly, in case something came up), so maybe that was it. well, fun while it lasted, i guess.

“miss y/n?” a younger voice brought your attention back from the overthinking “we still don’t get how to go up with the spiral. can you help us, please?” it was one of the twins, probably referring to the cupcake base, right.

before you could beeline towards the girls, your grandma put her hand on your shoulder and offered to go instead, smiling softly and quickly tilting her head towards the street. and then you saw it. a quite disheveled vernon approaching the gate, almost as if he ran all the way to your house, wind against his face.

you tried suppressing your excitement, but a tiny smile still managed to escape, making your cheeks tingle. you didn’t even know why your body was reacting like that, you could barely control it. sure, you did care a lot about crochet and hated to see people give up on it. but he was only late as far as you knew, not giving up, so there was no need to be as excited as you were to see him again, right? this did not mean you cared about him, specifically, any differently, right?

after apologizing for being late, vernon didn’t waste any more time and got to work right away. you helped him with the base spiral of the cupcake, giving him two rounds of a head start, then let him try on his own while you helped the girls. it didn’t take long for him to set the things on the table and stare at them, as if magically waiting for whatever problem he encountered to fix itself.

“what happened this time?” you approached him with a grin.

“something’s clearly off” he replied, still looking at his project “like, i’m absolutely sure i’m doing exactly what you just showed me, but my rounds are looking so weird” he picked up the spiral and put it flat on his hand, getting it closer to your eyes.

“oh, i see what’s wrong. but don’t worry, it’s very common at any level of experience, really” you tried to ease the situation. redoing stitches was a frustrating part of the process, but it happened to the best of people.

“okay, but like… can you go to the part where you tell me what’s wrong and i get frustrated with this hobby, then ask myself why the heck i decided to start crocheting in the first place while threatening to give up as a joke but not really?” 

the precision in which he described exactly what was about to unfold made you laugh. he wasn’t much of a predictable person, quite the opposite, but somehow you always knew how he would react to something before he even opened his mouth.

“long story short, your stitches are looser than mine” you pursed your lips and waited for his big, dramatic sigh. bingo. “you’ll probably have to redo this part before continuing, because it will continue to bother you, or just start a new base with only your stitches from start to finish”

“i thought the stitches looked okay these past few classes. did i downgrade or something?” he seemed genuinely concerned.

“dude no, you’re doing really good. but i guess i shouldn’t have made you continue on the same thing i’d started, because we have different stitching levels. with time yours will get tighter, though. don’t worry”

“tighter? have you seen how much i struggle to get the needle through each loop?” you have. it’s cute. he focuses so hard it kinda looks like he’s performing a surgery. 

“hate to break it to you pretty boy, but from now on you’ll have sore fingers so often it’ll only stop hurting once they numb out” you said it so casually vernon almost missed it. almost.

“excuse me?” he teased, eyebrows raised and an amused grin on his face. you hate to break it to who?

“you heard me. hard work makes the dream cupcake. so you better stop stalling and get back to it” you tapped his part of the desk and left to help someone else, face seemingly too normal to be hiding something. you’re really just oblivious.

vernon decided to start from scratch, still keeping the previous piece as a reference. you kept an eye on him just in case he silently asked for help again, but he didn’t. sure, he had to redo a few rounds to make it neater, or stop one too many times to count his stitches, but no longer called you over with a puzzled face. unfortunately. 

it felt like things finally clicked for him. and maybe for you too.

you got to see vernon again ten days later on a friday night. he had previously warned you that he’d be absent for the next three classes, because his family would be visiting and he wanted to give them his full attention. you had no problem with that, of course, but it’d be a lie to say you didn’t miss his presence and dramatic antics during these days.

“y/n? are you there?” you heard his voice getting closer to the garage, where you restocked some of the extra supplies you had.

“oh, hey vernon!” you greeted him enthusiastically, hoping it wasn’t too much “nice to see you again. how’s your family?” the question didn’t even cross your mind, it just automatically slipped, making you regret immediately.

“good, i hope” he answered before you could apologize, because he knew you would “i mean, we had a really great time. thanks for asking” you nodded with a thin smile, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward. 

“umm, i finished my homework, by the way” he changed topics, grabbing a cute crochet cupcake out of his bag and handing it to you “it’s not perfect, but it’s honest work”.

“it’s that vernonese for 'i know it’s a bit wobbly and uneven but please don’t make me redo it'?” 

“look at you, almost fluent now!” he jumped into character.

“what happened to your fire-looking glittery black yarn?” you teased, though the proud smile didn’t leave your face.

“it got sick… too much swag, you know?” you nodded in agreement, trying to mimic his dead-serious face. it failed miserably.

“you’re so ridiculous” you said between laughs “but a talented ridiculous. this cupcake is adorable”. you honestly didn’t expect him to turn his first project so nicely and in such cute colors, a mix of pastel blue and pink.

vernon clutched his heart and you rolled your eyes at his question “is it really that bad?” 

“shut up, i mean it! it looks really good for your first attempt, especially considering you had to work through the pattern by yourself”

“the recipe” he corrected, index finger up “a cupcake recipe. yarn flavored”

“right” you decided it was pointless trying to have a normal conversation with vernon. he was an interesting little fella like this “vernonese too?” he nodded.

“you can keep it, by the way. the cupcake”

“what? why?” that was a first. students would always proudly take their projects home, keeping as a reminder of how far they’ve come. you still did that every time you attempted some challenging pattern. 

“because’” vernon shrugged, his expression calm and genuine “unless you don’t want it, though, then i won’t insist”

“it’s not that, i don’t mind keeping it if you’re sure about this. i just wanted to understand the reason behind, that’s all”

“well, you can find what it on the vernonese behavioral dictionary, if you must” here we go again “or check the catnese language, they have some things in common”

“of course they have” you agreed with a small chuckle “thank you, then. i’ll take good care of it”

“i know. see you next week, y/n”

“see you, vernon” 

let me know when you get home.

bonus:

[mars-archived]

recipe for love | hvc

pairing: vernon x reader genre: non idol!au, fluff, strangers to ?? warnings: the words 'stitches' and 'needle' in the context of crochet, lots of crochet references btw, the word 'surgery' in the context of someone focused, not proofread!! a/n: this turned out completely different from what i had planned, and i basically wrote all of it in one sitting. no idea if it makes any sense bc i'm sleep deprived. but i hope you enjoy :)

you never expected the crocheting afternoon meetings in your garage to turn into anything serious. it started with you and your grandmother, just spending time together and sharing a passion. then, she invited some of her artisan friends, and you loved having them around to learn and hear stories from. next thing you know, the garage is now a full on crafting workshop and you have around thirteen people coming every week. one of them is vernon.

he signed up for a class having absolutely no experience with the crafting world, which is fine, by the way; and didn’t even know which style to explore first — if accessories, clothes or amigurumi, for example. the latter ended up being the chosen one, after you showed him a cute little frog you had on display.

you still recalled how confused he got when counting the stitches during chain practices, even declaring ‘i'm starting to believe i can't count, actually’, to which you replied ‘what up, i’m vernon, i’m 19, and i never really learned how to math. a very stupid vine reference, you admit, that could’ve backfired pretty easily had he not been a chronically online dude. not that you knew it already, but the shy smile and surprised look he gave you confirmed as such. he had a pretty smile.

you got a bit more comfortable around each other after this day, and his questions were now more frequent, which in turn made him struggle a bit less.

just a bit.

because there were countless times his yarn would tangle itself while he tried to work with it, not yet having found a comfortable way to place things. he once showed up with a silver glitter black yarn to work with, which he justified by simply saying ‘looks fire'. you winced upon seeing it, and he quickly found out why. 

“y/n… why didn’t you tell me i wouldn’t see a thing with black yarn?” he (almost) cried out “dude, i don’t think i’ve made more than ten stitches so far and i already can’t sort them out” he looked at you desperately, almost as if  waiting for you to fix it.

“you’ve made seventeen, vernon” you corrected with a smile, “seventeen?” the surprise was evident in his tone “see!? this makes no sense!”. you giggled, already feeling proud of your next comment “i do see, actually. don’t think you can say the same, though”.

there was also the time he almost gave up on crocheting after reading a pattern sheet for the first time, full of abbreviations he did not know. ‘dude, i haven’t even mastered the government name of these things, and you tell me there’s a recipe full of them written in 280 twitter characters?” he confessed, and this time you actually thought he’d give up. you were glad to be wrong.

despite the confusion, mistakes and suffering he went through twice a week, vernon never missed any classes. he paid attention to everything you and your grandma said, even if it wasn’t specifically for him. he took notes and sometimes even asked to film your hands as you taught him a new stitch or move. you really admired that in him, because most people would just make up an excuse and never show up again at the slightest difficulty, especially younger people like you and him. so it was nice, for once, to have someone actually stay.

today’s class was a special one for you. the new ‘students’ — vernon and the 15 year-old twin girls — were going to start their first cupcake; one of the most popular beginner-friendly patterns. to you they were almost a rite of passage, from zero to little (knowledge), and a reason to be very proud. most learners would be very excited for this class, because it was finally a big project, something palpable that they could work for and actually brag about to non-crocheters.

but maybe not vernon. 

it’s been half an hour since you started, and although all group members were free to join at any point during the 90-minute class, he just wasn’t one to be late. sure, something could’ve come up, at home or at work, maybe he got sick — though this wasn’t exactly a positive option —, or maybe he was just… not interested anymore. think about it, he hasn’t even paid for this month’s remaining classes (he chose to pay them biweekly, in case something came up), so maybe that was it. well, fun while it lasted, i guess.

“miss y/n?” a younger voice brought your attention back from the overthinking “we still don’t get how to go up with the spiral. can you help us, please?” it was one of the twins, probably referring to the cupcake base, right.

before you could beeline towards the girls, your grandma put her hand on your shoulder and offered to go instead, smiling softly and quickly tilting her head towards the street. and then you saw it. a quite disheveled vernon approaching the gate, almost as if he ran all the way to your house, wind against his face.

you tried suppressing your excitement, but a tiny smile still managed to escape, making your cheeks tingle. you didn’t even know why your body was reacting like that, you could barely control it. sure, you did care a lot about crochet and hated to see people give up on it. but he was only late as far as you knew, not giving up, so there was no need to be as excited as you were to see him again, right? this did not mean you cared about him, specifically, any differently, right?

after apologizing for being late, vernon didn’t waste any more time and got to work right away. you helped him with the base spiral of the cupcake, giving him two rounds of a head start, then let him try on his own while you helped the girls. it didn’t take long for him to set the things on the table and stare at them, as if magically waiting for whatever problem he encountered to fix itself.

“what happened this time?” you approached him with a grin.

“something’s clearly off” he replied, still looking at his project “like, i’m absolutely sure i’m doing exactly what you just showed me, but my rounds are looking so weird” he picked up the spiral and put it flat on his hand, getting it closer to your eyes.

“oh, i see what’s wrong. but don’t worry, it’s very common at any level of experience, really” you tried to ease the situation. redoing stitches was a frustrating part of the process, but it happened to the best of people.

“okay, but like… can you go to the part where you tell me what’s wrong and i get frustrated with this hobby, then ask myself why the heck i decided to start crocheting in the first place while threatening to give up as a joke but not really?” 

the precision in which he described exactly what was about to unfold made you laugh. he wasn’t much of a predictable person, quite the opposite, but somehow you always knew how he would react to something before he even opened his mouth.

“long story short, your stitches are looser than mine” you pursed your lips and waited for his big, dramatic sigh. bingo. “you’ll probably have to redo this part before continuing, because it will continue to bother you, or just start a new base with only your stitches from start to finish”

“i thought the stitches looked okay these past few classes. did i downgrade or something?” he seemed genuinely concerned.

“dude no, you’re doing really good. but i guess i shouldn’t have made you continue on the same thing i’d started, because we have different stitching levels. with time yours will get tighter, though. don’t worry”

“tighter? have you seen how much i struggle to get the needle through each loop?” you have. it’s cute. he focuses so hard it kinda looks like he’s performing a surgery. 

“hate to break it to you pretty boy, but from now on you’ll have sore fingers so often it’ll only stop hurting once they numb out” you said it so casually vernon almost missed it. almost.

“excuse me?” he teased, eyebrows raised and an amused grin on his face. you hate to break it to who?

“you heard me. hard work makes the dream cupcake. so you better stop stalling and get back to it” you tapped his part of the desk and left to help someone else, face seemingly too normal to be hiding something. you’re really just oblivious.

vernon decided to start from scratch, still keeping the previous piece as a reference. you kept an eye on him just in case he silently asked for help again, but he didn’t. sure, he had to redo a few rounds to make it neater, or stop one too many times to count his stitches, but no longer called you over with a puzzled face. unfortunately. 

it felt like things finally clicked for him. and maybe for you too.

you got to see vernon again ten days later on a friday night. he had previously warned you that he’d be absent for the next three classes, because his family would be visiting and he wanted to give them his full attention. you had no problem with that, of course, but it’d be a lie to say you didn’t miss his presence and dramatic antics during these days.

“y/n? are you there?” you heard his voice getting closer to the garage, where you restocked some of the extra supplies you had.

“oh, hey vernon!” you greeted him enthusiastically, hoping it wasn’t too much “nice to see you again. how’s your family?” the question didn’t even cross your mind, it just automatically slipped, making you regret immediately.

“good, i hope” he answered before you could apologize, because he knew you would “i mean, we had a really great time. thanks for asking” you nodded with a thin smile, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward. 

“umm, i finished my homework, by the way” he changed topics, grabbing a cute crochet cupcake out of his bag and handing it to you “it’s not perfect, but it’s honest work”.

“it’s that vernonese for 'i know it’s a bit wobbly and uneven but please don’t make me redo it'?” 

“look at you, almost fluent now!” he jumped into character.

“what happened to your fire-looking glittery black yarn?” you teased, though the proud smile didn’t leave your face.

“it got sick… too much swag, you know?” you nodded in agreement, trying to mimic his dead-serious face. it failed miserably.

“you’re so ridiculous” you said between laughs “but a talented ridiculous. this cupcake is adorable”. you honestly didn’t expect him to turn his first project so nicely and in such cute colors, a mix of pastel blue and pink.

vernon clutched his heart and you rolled your eyes at his question “is it really that bad?” 

“shut up, i mean it! it looks really good for your first attempt, especially considering you had to work through the pattern by yourself”

“the recipe” he corrected, index finger up “a cupcake recipe. yarn flavored”

“right” you decided it was pointless trying to have a normal conversation with vernon. he was an interesting little fella like this “vernonese too?” he nodded.

“you can keep it, by the way. the cupcake”

“what? why?” that was a first. students would always proudly take their projects home, keeping as a reminder of how far they’ve come. you still did that every time you attempted some challenging pattern. 

“because’” vernon shrugged, his expression calm and genuine “unless you don’t want it, though, then i won’t insist”

“it’s not that, i don’t mind keeping it if you’re sure about this. i just wanted to understand the reason behind, that’s all”

“well, you can find what it on the vernonese behavioral dictionary, if you must” here we go again “or check the catnese language, they have some things in common”

“of course they have” you agreed with a small chuckle “thank you, then. i’ll take good care of it”

“i know. see you next week, y/n”

“see you, vernon” 

let me know when you get home.

bonus:

[mars-archived]

i have so many ideas idek where to start. really wish i could post something this week but i'm not sure i'll have the time to finish any of them

[mars-archived]

— about mars-archived

first of all, thank you for stopping by, you can call me nana 🌟

about: she/her, over 21yo, atiny and not-a-carat-yet, english is my 2nd language, sometimes i go m.i.a due to work.

this blog is a way for me to share and register some of my writing, but i definitely could try my hands at requests. feel free to interact and let me know if you like anything, I really appreciate it <3

important: this is a sideblog!! meaning, my interactions through this account are very limited, i'm sorry :(

but hey, don't be a stranger!

[mars-archived]

enough for you | lee seokmin

pairing: bf!seokmin x gn!reader warnings: angst!!!, comfort at the end, mentions of emotional abuse and low self-esteem (please take care), brief mentions of drowning (nothing descriptive tho). a/n: self-indulgent what can i say. also i'm no stranger to emotional topics, but i don't want this to be seen as irresponsible from my part, so please let me know your thoughts!

seokmin was sure of a few things in this life. that he couldn’t live without his family, that the sun would always shine somewhere — though climate change has him worrying about this one —, that his best friends were his brothers by heart, and pizza tasted better on the next day. now, he was sure of one more thing: he loved you, he was completely and unapologetically in love with you. and he was almost sure it wasn’t mutual.

after three months of dating, be it too much or too little, some things started to call his attention — and not in a good way. it started simple, slowly, like the flavor of your birthday cake. you didn’t want to choose and just told him “surprise me”, which at first seemed very cute, but now got piled up in the list of odd behaviors.

like the way you’d never suggest something else for you to watch or listen to — even if he practically begged you. “i like the things you choose, they’re always so great” you’d say, and he believed you at one point. not anymore.

soon, it started to escalate to the point of ridiculousness. because you’d never say no to him.

going for a walk at 03h in the morning? of course! could you help with something trivial and definitely doable by oneself, even though you’re sick from head to toe and in need of proper rest? absolutely! can you disappear from everyone's life for like a week? say no more!

but his real turning point is when the two of you have to postpone the afternoon date, because your mom got injured and needed some assistance. he absolutely did not mind staying with you — despite your protesting — and saw no problem in listening to your mom rant for hours. in fact, he’s thankful for that. because how else would he find out you only had one other relationship before him (which, according to your mom, did not end so well)? that you used to be a theater kid and accept any role just so you could be on stage? or that one of your favorite hobbies is bird-watching? and what about your severe food allergy that nearly killed you once? fear of the dark?

it was all too much. things that you hid from him, like your allergy, hobbies, preferences and experiences; or that you lied to him about (“don’t worry, i love coffee!”, except you didn’t. “yeah, beach sounds perfect!”, but not really because the image of your cousin almost drowning under your watch still haunted you).

why did you never mention any of this? why did you feel like lying or hiding? to seokmin, all of this could only mean one thing, but he had to be sure. he needed the truth, for once, regardless of how much it could hurt him in the process.

“i need to ask you something,” suddenly hearing his voice during the movie startled you “and i need you to be completely honest with me, please”. he paused the TV and looked at you. a hint of concern in his face, but mostly serious.

“of course” you nodded, fully turning to face him.

“did you eat the cookies from yesterday? the ones with peanut butter and walnuts i brought from mingyu’s?” the question seemed too simple for such a reaction from him. he must be mad mad, you concluded.

“well- well i did. i thought i heard you saying he’d sent them for me, so i ate them without really offering you or leaving any left. i’m really sorry” your eyes were glued to the floor, face burning in embarrassment.

seokmin felt bad, he never wanted to make you feel guilty. and maybe you knew, maybe not, but he’d give you his house if you asked seriously enough. he loved you like that. but that’s exactly why you were now having such conversation, so he continued after a deep breath.

“you heard it right, but you still shouldn’t have eaten. and not because of me, but because you just so happen to be allergic to peanuts. in case you forgot”. he sounded disappointed now, and you noticed.

“how… do you know that?” there was no point in denying now. “your mom told me yesterday. she told me lots of things, actually” his eyes were avoiding you, and combined with a dry chuckle, it was clear he wasn’t only disappointed, but quite pissed as well.

before you could say anything and try to apologize, he continued. because in all honesty, he wouldn’t have the guts to if the words didn’t leave his heart right. now.

“you find birds fascinating, and the school theater club was your second home. you cry listening to sad melodies even if the lyrics are a bunch of nonsense, and strawberry-flavored ice cream is a big no for you, because you find the artificial taste insulting. i tried to think of a reason for why you would hide those things from me. and the only thing in my minds is that maybe you just don’t want this anymore”

it felt like a punch in the gut. you searched for his eyes, hopeless, and he still faced anywhere but you. was that how much you hurt him? words wanted to come out, but it’s like you couldn’t speak. inside your head, however, you screamed all of them loud and clear.

the few minutes you both spent in silence felt like days. and sensing that you didn’t really know what to say, seokmin concluded his thoughts.

“so if, for whatever reason, you feel like this is not what you want anymore, please just let me know. if you want to break up just say it, don’t worry about me. but i can’t keep doing this any longer. i can’t not know”

this time he was the one staring intensely at you. hoping you could see how much he didn’t want things to end, but would rather set you free and be hurt in the process, than keep you close with any sort of regret. you didn’t face him right away, though, vision blurry with the tears that occasionally fell on the carpet. you let a sob escape and quickly wiped your face. trying to recompose just enough to give him an answer.

“okay then” you finally faced him, noticing the crease between his eyebrows, and his glossy eyes. it hurt to know that you were hurting him this much, so maybe this was the best option after all.

“wait… do you mean it?”

“well… if that’s what you want i resp-” he cut you off immediately, “but it’s not! no. no no, that’s the last thing i want!” his voice was desperate, and some of the tears he held back started to fall. you were now confused.

“what do you mean?”

“you have no idea, do you?” when you shook your head no, he confessed. voice softer and ears reddening “i’m way too deep now. it just hit me that i love you. like, really. but i can’t give my all if you don’t feel the same. it’s just not fair.”

your heart started racing as if you were in danger, you feared it would explode outside your chest. you’re sure your inside out characters would be going crazy if you really had them.

“you…” his words kept replaying in your mind. i love you. just like that.

“yeah”

silence.

seokmin watched patiently as you let his confession sink in. yes, he needed to know where your relationship stood, but he wouldn’t dare to rush you or your thoughts. never.

“i’m sorry for making you feel like i didn’t love you too” your words caught him off guard. you loved him too? what? “i thought i was doing it right” a defeated smile formed in your face now.

“doing what right?” he was confused, to say the least. your own confession being left aside in order for him to try and understand.

“well, this… us”

“y/n… what exactly are you talking about?” for some reason, he sensed your answer would not be good. it still didn't prepare him to what you said next.

“i thought you’d like me better if i didn’t pick and choose so much… if i wasn’t too much work. i know it can be a hassle trying to go out with someone who’s allergic to food, or avoiding the beach in the middle of summer because i happen to have a bad memory of it. i didn’t really think my hobbies or past passions could be interesting to you. and maybe you don’t like the things i like in general, so i’d rather not risk it, you know?” you looked at him teary-eyed, but with a wide and hopeful smile. as if you didn’t just say the most absurd things he ever heard “i didn’t mind, really… i just wanted this to work”

although he was really good at acting dramatic, right now seokmin tried his best to react neutrally and not scare you with how much you’d scared him. but on the inside, he was concerned, guilty, and most of all, hurt. for you.

“so you think you’re too much work… for being you?”

“i just didn’t want to lose you by messing it up, not again” your voice cracked, betraying whatever composure you tried to keep “i figured this was the right way to do it.”

“so you were fine losing your true self as long as you didn't lose me?” he already knew you were not pretending anymore, but he still needed to confirm every single conclusion he got.

it killed him that you really believed everything you said. because at some point in life you stopped being yourself to not ‘inconvenience’ others and no one said a thing, no one cared enough to stop it. worst case scenario? someone out there was just fine with that, taking advantage of how much you wanted to fit in, even if it meant cutting your essence out.

“isn't that how it works?”

this could be an obvious question with an even more obvious answer to most people, but he tried not to judge you. it’s not your fault for being made to believe you were too much for anyone to handle. how could you be? he just wished it was easier to convince you that you didn’t need to make yourself smaller just to fit in one’s heart. because the right person would have enough room for the past, present, and future versions of you. just like he does.

“i’m so sorry, y/n. but that’s not how any healthy relationship should be” he tried not to sound condescending, because he needed you to understand, not feel embarrassed about it.

and as much as you wanted him to be lying to you, something about the concern and sadness in his demeanor, indicated that he was probably not. and it made you feel worse than you’ve ever felt before. realization slowly started to sink in, your eyes got blurry again and the familiar sting warning you about what was to come. you didn’t want to cry for the nth time, this entire conversation had you wishing the floor would swallow you whole. you felt pathetic, you look pathetic. but without noticing, the tears began to escape as you made one last comment.

“i just… it’s what worked before”

“oh, y/n…” upon hearing your words, seokmin sighed. pulling you into a comforting hug.

once you were comfortable in his embrace, he closed his eyes to let the tears fall free. it all started to make sense now, and he felt helpless. he wanted to cry out loud, sob, scream, fight someone — that bastard from your first relationship, preferably —, but you needed him more than ever. you cried silently in his arms, still trying not to bother, but he could feel your heartbeat, the way your body trembled as you tried to suppress another sob.

“shhhh, it’s okay. i’m right here with you. it’s okay” his hug got tighter, like he could fix all your broken pieces if he held for long enough “you can cry, it’s okay. please don’t keep it to yourself, you’re safe here. i’ve got you”

it took you some time to register what he’d said. you’ve been brainwashed into thinking your feelings were less than, that your sadness would ruin someone’s mood and therefore you should tone it down. so, being comforted like this — being comforted at all —, and told it’s okay to cry, felt foreign to you.

but for once, you allow yourself to cry harder, until it drains you, because you know there will be someone there to catch you.

[mars-archived]

enough for you | lee seokmin

pairing: bf!seokmin x gn!reader warnings: angst!!!, comfort at the end, mentions of emotional abuse and low self-esteem (please take care), brief mentions of drowning (nothing descriptive tho). a/n: self-indulgent what can i say. also i'm no stranger to emotional topics, but i don't want this to be seen as irresponsible from my part, so please let me know your thoughts!

seokmin was sure of a few things in this life. that he couldn’t live without his family, that the sun would always shine somewhere — though climate change has him worrying about this one —, that his best friends were his brothers by heart, and pizza tasted better on the next day. now, he was sure of one more thing: he loved you, he was completely and unapologetically in love with you. and he was almost sure it wasn’t mutual.

after three months of dating, be it too much or too little, some things started to call his attention — and not in a good way. it started simple, slowly, like the flavor of your birthday cake. you didn’t want to choose and just told him “surprise me”, which at first seemed very cute, but now got piled up in the list of odd behaviors.

like the way you’d never suggest something else for you to watch or listen to — even if he practically begged you. “i like the things you choose, they’re always so great” you’d say, and he believed you at one point. not anymore.

soon, it started to escalate to the point of ridiculousness. because you’d never say no to him.

going for a walk at 03h in the morning? of course! could you help with something trivial and definitely doable by oneself, even though you’re sick from head to toe and in need of proper rest? absolutely! can you disappear from everyone's life for like a week? say no more!

but his real turning point is when the two of you have to postpone the afternoon date, because your mom got injured and needed some assistance. he absolutely did not mind staying with you — despite your protesting — and saw no problem in listening to your mom rant for hours. in fact, he’s thankful for that. because how else would he find out you only had one other relationship before him (which, according to your mom, did not end so well)? that you used to be a theater kid and accept any role just so you could be on stage? or that one of your favorite hobbies is bird-watching? and what about your severe food allergy that nearly killed you once? fear of the dark?

it was all too much. things that you hid from him, like your allergy, hobbies, preferences and experiences; or that you lied to him about (“don’t worry, i love coffee!”, except you didn’t. “yeah, beach sounds perfect!”, but not really because the image of your cousin almost drowning under your watch still haunted you).

why did you never mention any of this? why did you feel like lying or hiding? to seokmin, all of this could only mean one thing, but he had to be sure. he needed the truth, for once, regardless of how much it could hurt him in the process.

“i need to ask you something,” suddenly hearing his voice during the movie startled you “and i need you to be completely honest with me, please”. he paused the TV and looked at you. a hint of concern in his face, but mostly serious.

“of course” you nodded, fully turning to face him.

“did you eat the cookies from yesterday? the ones with peanut butter and walnuts i brought from mingyu’s?” the question seemed too simple for such a reaction from him. he must be mad mad, you concluded.

“well- well i did. i thought i heard you saying he’d sent them for me, so i ate them without really offering you or leaving any left. i’m really sorry” your eyes were glued to the floor, face burning in embarrassment.

seokmin felt bad, he never wanted to make you feel guilty. and maybe you knew, maybe not, but he’d give you his house if you asked seriously enough. he loved you like that. but that’s exactly why you were now having such conversation, so he continued after a deep breath.

“you heard it right, but you still shouldn’t have eaten. and not because of me, but because you just so happen to be allergic to peanuts. in case you forgot”. he sounded disappointed now, and you noticed.

“how… do you know that?” there was no point in denying now. “your mom told me yesterday. she told me lots of things, actually” his eyes were avoiding you, and combined with a dry chuckle, it was clear he wasn’t only disappointed, but quite pissed as well.

before you could say anything and try to apologize, he continued. because in all honesty, he wouldn’t have the guts to if the words didn’t leave his heart right. now.

“you find birds fascinating, and the school theater club was your second home. you cry listening to sad melodies even if the lyrics are a bunch of nonsense, and strawberry-flavored ice cream is a big no for you, because you find the artificial taste insulting. i tried to think of a reason for why you would hide those things from me. and the only thing in my minds is that maybe you just don’t want this anymore”

it felt like a punch in the gut. you searched for his eyes, hopeless, and he still faced anywhere but you. was that how much you hurt him? words wanted to come out, but it’s like you couldn’t speak. inside your head, however, you screamed all of them loud and clear.

the few minutes you both spent in silence felt like days. and sensing that you didn’t really know what to say, seokmin concluded his thoughts.

“so if, for whatever reason, you feel like this is not what you want anymore, please just let me know. if you want to break up just say it, don’t worry about me. but i can’t keep doing this any longer. i can’t not know”

this time he was the one staring intensely at you. hoping you could see how much he didn’t want things to end, but would rather set you free and be hurt in the process, than keep you close with any sort of regret. you didn’t face him right away, though, vision blurry with the tears that occasionally fell on the carpet. you let a sob escape and quickly wiped your face. trying to recompose just enough to give him an answer.

“okay then” you finally faced him, noticing the crease between his eyebrows, and his glossy eyes. it hurt to know that you were hurting him this much, so maybe this was the best option after all.

“wait… do you mean it?”

“well… if that’s what you want i resp-” he cut you off immediately, “but it’s not! no. no no, that’s the last thing i want!” his voice was desperate, and some of the tears he held back started to fall. you were now confused.

“what do you mean?”

“you have no idea, do you?” when you shook your head no, he confessed. voice softer and ears reddening “i’m way too deep now. it just hit me that i love you. like, really. but i can’t give my all if you don’t feel the same. it’s just not fair.”

your heart started racing as if you were in danger, you feared it would explode outside your chest. you’re sure your inside out characters would be going crazy if you really had them.

“you…” his words kept replaying in your mind. i love you. just like that.

“yeah”

silence.

seokmin watched patiently as you let his confession sink in. yes, he needed to know where your relationship stood, but he wouldn’t dare to rush you or your thoughts. never.

“i’m sorry for making you feel like i didn’t love you too” your words caught him off guard. you loved him too? what? “i thought i was doing it right” a defeated smile formed in your face now.

“doing what right?” he was confused, to say the least. your own confession being left aside in order for him to try and understand.

“well, this… us”

“y/n… what exactly are you talking about?” for some reason, he sensed your answer would not be good. it still didn't prepare him to what you said next.

“i thought you’d like me better if i didn’t pick and choose so much… if i wasn’t too much work. i know it can be a hassle trying to go out with someone who’s allergic to food, or avoiding the beach in the middle of summer because i happen to have a bad memory of it. i didn’t really think my hobbies or past passions could be interesting to you. and maybe you don’t like the things i like in general, so i’d rather not risk it, you know?” you looked at him teary-eyed, but with a wide and hopeful smile. as if you didn’t just say the most absurd things he ever heard “i didn’t mind, really… i just wanted this to work”

although he was really good at acting dramatic, right now seokmin tried his best to react neutrally and not scare you with how much you’d scared him. but on the inside, he was concerned, guilty, and most of all, hurt. for you.

“so you think you’re too much work… for being you?”

“i just didn’t want to lose you by messing it up, not again” your voice cracked, betraying whatever composure you tried to keep “i figured this was the right way to do it.”

“so you were fine losing your true self as long as you didn't lose me?” he already knew you were not pretending anymore, but he still needed to confirm every single conclusion he got.

it killed him that you really believed everything you said. because at some point in life you stopped being yourself to not ‘inconvenience’ others and no one said a thing, no one cared enough to stop it. worst case scenario? someone out there was just fine with that, taking advantage of how much you wanted to fit in, even if it meant cutting your essence out.

“isn't that how it works?”

this could be an obvious question with an even more obvious answer to most people, but he tried not to judge you. it’s not your fault for being made to believe you were too much for anyone to handle. how could you be? he just wished it was easier to convince you that you didn’t need to make yourself smaller just to fit in one’s heart. because the right person would have enough room for the past, present, and future versions of you. just like he does.

“i’m so sorry, y/n. but that’s not how any healthy relationship should be” he tried not to sound condescending, because he needed you to understand, not feel embarrassed about it.

and as much as you wanted him to be lying to you, something about the concern and sadness in his demeanor, indicated that he was probably not. and it made you feel worse than you’ve ever felt before. realization slowly started to sink in, your eyes got blurry again and the familiar sting warning you about what was to come. you didn’t want to cry for the nth time, this entire conversation had you wishing the floor would swallow you whole. you felt pathetic, you look pathetic. but without noticing, the tears began to escape as you made one last comment.

“i just… it’s what worked before”

“oh, y/n…” upon hearing your words, seokmin sighed. pulling you into a comforting hug.

once you were comfortable in his embrace, he closed his eyes to let the tears fall free. it all started to make sense now, and he felt helpless. he wanted to cry out loud, sob, scream, fight someone — that bastard from your first relationship, preferably —, but you needed him more than ever. you cried silently in his arms, still trying not to bother, but he could feel your heartbeat, the way your body trembled as you tried to suppress another sob.

“shhhh, it’s okay. i’m right here with you. it’s okay” his hug got tighter, like he could fix all your broken pieces if he held for long enough “you can cry, it’s okay. please don’t keep it to yourself, you’re safe here. i’ve got you”

it took you some time to register what he’d said. you’ve been brainwashed into thinking your feelings were less than, that your sadness would ruin someone’s mood and therefore you should tone it down. so, being comforted like this — being comforted at all —, and told it’s okay to cry, felt foreign to you.

but for once, you allow yourself to cry harder, until it drains you, because you know there will be someone there to catch you.