mascara-and-a-smile

[mascara-and-a-smile]

A Saturday night

We were getting ready to go out to a dinner party. We were just doing our own things all day. We had an hour to get ready. 

We had a shower together. I tried on dresses. You told me your favourite, I wore that one.

I blow dried my hair for once and it looked fabulous. You came into the washroom to start getting ready too. I wined about my grey hairs and you thought I was joking. 

I showed you my grey hairs and you know what you said? You said, I love you. You pulled me in close and kissed me. You told me you liked my grey hairs more.

Later, while sitting at the dinner table, you held my hand and asked offhandedly what you thought Beast was doing right now. I laughed and said probably sleeping. You looked at me so sincerely and said “Babe, in a few years from now, we’ll be sitting at this table wondering what our kids are doing right now.” I smiled, tried not to let the tears spring from my eyes and kissed you. 

I wondered who would be watching our babies? His parents? My papa? A & L? 

We had a little side conversation about A & L and how they will be our grandparents too and what our kids would call them?

I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said all night long. I don’t think I can express to you how much I loved that little moment in time. It makes me smile so greatly and makes my day dreams come back to life after what seems like for ever in the depths of darkness. 

Later, while laying in bed, you pulled me on top of you and I asked you what you thought was my favourite part of the night. I don’t remember what you thought because all I could think about was having babies with you. I think I love it even more because you didn’t think it was a momentous thought, it was just a natural thing to say to me. 

And that, is why, I love you so. 

[mascara-and-a-smile]

I've grown.

Disaster is the ultimate excuse, and part of us rejoices.

Use that strength the pave a path.

By sharing them.

Dreams.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

2019 change.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WANT TO CHANGE OR IMPROVE IN EACH CATEGORY OF YOUR LIFE:

MY BODY: take my iron daily and eat lunch

MY WORK / SCHOOL: take an AQ and start a blog

MY MONEY: one month a season where I do a no shop month and be consistent put money in my savings account no matter what (buy a house with A)

MY LOVE LIFE: keep loving hard and be more open about my feelings and sexuality

MY FRIENDSHIPS: support my besties (& their babies) and spend less time thinking about friendships that aren't making me better

MY SELF-WORTH: be confident and say no when I don't want to do something

What SCARES you about the changes you want to make in your life?

That I have to be accountable for my talk and possibly hurt or upset people to make myself better. The future had always scared me but I know I need to be a "grown-up" about quite a few things this year.

What EXCITES you about the changes you want to make in your life?

That I will feel healthier and overall a better, more stable, human for myself and the people I love.

BONUS Question:

ASK THIS OF YOUR STUDENTS, BOYFRIEND, FAMILY, OR FRIEND.

What’s one thing I could do to be a better (teacher, partner, daughter, sister or friend)?

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Let's recap the year.

2018

WRITE DOWN OR CIRCLE THE NUMBER THAT BEST DESCRIBES HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT EACH PART OF YOUR LIFE IN 2018 AND THEN EXPLAIN WHY YOU FEEL THAT WAY.

MY BODY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I do CrossFit 5 or 6 times a week, I eat a healthy breakfast and dinner. I have a hard time being consistent in taking iron and other medications or going to the doctor. I need to eat lunch more regularly.

MY WORK/SCHOOL 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I've lost my interest or passion in teaching. I need to re-evaluate my next steps whether that's looking into AQ courses or branching out my teaching experience.

MY MONEY 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I have paid off all of my debts to my dad and have set up a savings plan with more though withdrawals. This was set up at the end of 2018 so I'm starting 2019 with a clean slate. I've paid off my m/c but need to be better at spending less overall.

MY LOVE LIFE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I met a new man in the later part of the year who sparked my love again. It was lost and with him it's been found again. It's still new but I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

MY FRIENDSHIPS 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I have some of the best friends I could ask for, I am truly grateful for each and every one of them. I can do better at supporting them and allowing them to support me daily. I have some friendships I need to let go of.

MY SELF-WORTH 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

WHY: I can be quite hard on myself and sometimes talk myself down. I'm not as confident as I used to be about my beliefs and needs and wants. But I know I'm a great person and important to many people in my life.

NOW THAT YOU’VE RANKED HOW YOU FEEL IN THESE CATEGORIES, USE YOUR ANSWERS TO HELP WITH THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

1. What are 3 good things that happened this year and how did they make you feel?

One good thing that happened this year was breaking up with my ex-boyfriend - it was a toxic relationship and it was time for me to grow and be alone. Another good thing that happened was my dad breaking up with the woman he was seeing that was causing so much stress and anxiety in our lives and relationship. Our family is so much happier and in a better space even though our dad is alone. The most important good thing that happened is meeting my new boyfriend. He has changed everything for me, showed me love and strength and courage and continued support and patience. A final good thing that happened is my best friend is pregnant and having a baby next summer and my other very close friend had a baby and I've been so grateful to be part of her family and watching her baby grow.

2. What are 3 low points of this year and how did you handle them?

As much as breaking up with my ex was a good thing that happened to me this year, it was also one of the lowest points in my year. Most of the spring I spent trying to stay positive and motivated when I felt very alone. Scared and alone. Scared of the future of my family and life because I was still full of stress and anxiety of my dad's relationship as well. Both of our relationships and now ex's were a huge low points for almost the entire year. Another low point was the teaching assignment I had at a very difficult school and group of students. Looking back I know they taught me a tremendous amount about myself and about education, it was extremely hard for me emotionally. A third low point from this year was one of my best friend's (at the time) wedding. The lead up to her wedding caused me so much stress and anxiety when it should have been fun and exciting. I still can't quite figure out why it went the way it did but it was certainly a low point for me. The actual day and the events leading up to it - very high stress, high emotions and negativity. Not to mention too much alcohol and a one night stand to top it off. I still feel resentment towards her six months later and I'm not sure it can be fixed without a whole lot of time and emotional energy on my part and I don't know if it's worth it. Finally, the last quarter of the year has been hard for me the past few years. I thought I had a better understanding of my depression and sadness surrounding Christmastime but it still took me at full force this year and I'm thankful for the support of my best friends, family and boyfriend to keep me positive and deeply happy.

3. What is the big lesson you learned this year?

I've never really thought about it, a lesson I learned in a year. I wish I've done this before. I think my big lesson is that I have to believe in myself even though I haven't done it that well. I think I tell myself that more and more but don't always do it because I worry so much about other people at the same time. I learned that life is precious and can be taken in a moment. I learned that I can lean on people and not take on everything alone.

4. What did you do this year that you are proud of?

I went on a spur of the moment road trip down the west coast to San Francisco with one of my best friends. It was a trip of soul searching, food, sights and drives and I couldn't have done it with anyone else in my life at that time. It was seven days of not worrying about anyone or anything. It set my soul free. I also competed in two CrossFit events - a partner event in the spring and an individual event in the fall. I'm not very good nor am I competitive but it pushed me outside of my comfort zone and made me proud of myself.

5. What are your hopes and dreams for next year?

I have a few CrossFit moves I'd like to get this year - double unders, pull-ups and handstands. I hope to start a teaching blog and sell my ideas and products on tpt. I'd also like to be more consistent writing and journaling and start painting maybe with watercolours. I dream to buy a house with my boyfriend. My biggest hope is that I'm happy - happier than this past year.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

You do you.

(Dec 30, 2018)

Strengths.

Perseverance, creativity, care of and for others.

Weaknesses.

Fear of being selfish, confidence, keeping things to myself.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

reason.season.lifetime.

Dear Papa,

I don’t know why this is so hard for me. I’ve been wanting to write this since the first week of July. When all of my emotions were so heightened. The highest I thought possible. But today they are higher than then.

I don’t know where it all went wrong. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to talk to you. I don’t know why I tense up and get nervous and worried about what you’ll say. I guess it’s because we don’t know each other anymore and it hurts me more than I could ever say out loud to anyone - especially you.

I will never forget how your face changed the moment I saw the panic on your face when you walked out of her hospital room that morning. You were no longer my dad. You were a scared man. A lost man. And I was the daughter. The lost daughter who could never imagine her life would be as it is today.

I have mourned more than just the loss of my mother over the past few years. I have mourned the easy, perfect, typical life I thought I would always have. I have mourned friendships that just don’t make sense to me anymore. I have mourned the loss of an ex boyfriend - someone I will always care for on some level but who was not my always and forever. He was a reason.

The happy, carefree, selfless me isn’t the same happy, carefree selfless woman who woke up on March 27th. She’s gone. She’s different. And so are you.

You don’t laugh the same way. You don’t talk about your life the same way. You don’t talk to me the same way. We got lost. So lost.

I couldn’t give you my sadness. If my sadness was too much for me, it was insurmountable to imagine your sadness. To this day, I can’t imagine what your mind says and does when you give it a moment to breathe and reflect.

I don’t blame you for wanting someone to fill that void. I don’t want you to be alone for your forever. I don’t want you to carry my sadness.

I want you to love life again. I want you to laugh and smile for real. I want you to explore the world and do what’s best for you. I want you to go to dinner at friends’ houses. I want you to have friends over to our house. I want you to want to tell me about the woman who makes you happy. Because, my godness, when you feel that happiness it makes everything you’ve felt in the past three and a half years seem worth it. That everything is going to be okay. That you can take that deep breath you need. That you don’t need to worry about what will happen next. You just live in the moment. You laugh because you can. You cry because you can. You fall in love because you can. It’s not scary. It’s real.

I know that you are almost 60 and that we have different perspectives on love. That I’m only 28, and hell, who knows maybe I don’t know anything about love. But you have to give me some credit for my experiences too. My experiences with love are real. They are as real as you and mom. I believe in that love. It’s the only love I’ve ever felt and I know I feel it now.

It was the hardest thing to break up with G. I thought he was my everything. But he was there for my for a reason. A reason I didn’t even know about. It wasn't until I thought about my life and reflected on the people I surround myself with that I was able to see clearly. That it was love - but it wasn’t love that could last. It wasn’t easy. He messaged me daily. I told him I needed time to sort my life out.

It was the best thing I could possibly do. BE ALONE. It’s terrifying. But it was also the best I have felt since mom’s been gone. I was able to be true to my feelings and to the people who love me. They were still there for me. They all just wanted what’s best for me. They all wanted to support my decisions but also wanted what’s best for the rest of my life.

There is so much life left. So much time left. I’m not scared about that anymore. I was so scared for so long. I didn’t even know how to live. I don't know how to tell you all this. I barely knew how to tell my best friend, friends or the mom’s in my life who love and support me on a daily basis.

We let someone come between us. It’s devastating to me. We are broken dad. So broken. We only know how to talk about breakfast and dinner, crossfit and biking, teaching and the shop. Sometimes we know how to talk about R&B and your friends. But there was such a massive part of our lives we never spoke about and that has created a hole in our conversation. I know you hated him, and you know I hated her. We let that get between us. It’s going to take me a long time to heal. She has caused some very real heartbreak for me, for you.

I didn’t know who you were for three and a half years. I didn’t know my dad anymore because you didn’t know you anymore. You are just starting to know you again. It’s scary. It’s going to take you time. It’s going to take me time.

I don’t know how to be home with you. I’m afraid that home will be sadness. I’m worried about you all the time.

I am happy. I get low - very low - but I am happy in those low moments and in those low periods. You don’t know about my lows. You don’t know the clues I give off or the hints in my way of talking or behaving because you were, and are, still figuring out your own lows. I pushed you away because I couldn’t trust you. I couldn’t trust you because I couldn’t be honest with you because my honest hurt and scared you. It hurt and scared me.

I need you to trust me again. I need you to love me and support me. I need you to be my superhero. The man who would do anything for me and R. You’re my dad. I’m your daughter. Neither of us know how to do this. That much is clear.

I have panic attacks. I have colossal breakdowns and moments of heightened anxiety. Sometimes hourly or daily. Sometimes I don’t for days or weeks at a time. They will scare you because you don't know that version of me. I never showed you that version. Just as you don’t show me all the versions of you. We were only just learning how to be father and adult daughter and then we had to do it alone without mom. Mom was superwoman. She is my guiding light and guiding love. I think about her every day and hope that she is proud of the woman I have become. Some days I am not proud of myself but I know that I am still trying and learning. I am better than I was a month or year ago. Or two. Or three.

We don’t know what we are doing.

We don’t know how to talk about it.

We don’t even know how to tell each other that we are trying to be our best selves.

I don’t even know how to behave around you or talk to you.

I am just trying to be happy. I am just trying to do what’s best for me. I am just trying to get back to having a life. I want to start a family and get married. I want you to be part of my family and love the man I love.

I told everyone that I wanted a man who would sit on the couch with me and sometimes talk and just be with me. Let me be a tornado of emotions and stories and words. I wanted a man who loved his family and would love mine. I wanted a man who would help you around the house and outside. I wanted a man who loved the outdoors like you do. I wanted a man who wanted to be my family. I wanted a man you would be proud of. That you wanted to part of our lives. And I met that man. And I love him. And I can barely tell you all this because I am all consumed with your life. Are you happy? Am I being a selfish daughter? Did I do this all wrong? How long will it take to have my dad back again? What does it look like to have him back again? Will he move to BC and not be here to raise my babies with me? Will he stand up for himself and have what he deserves for the rest of his life? Will he ever trust me again? Will he believe me when I say I want him to be happy with a woman other than my mom? Because these questions swirl around and around on a never ending spinning top. I met someone. He makes my heart rest, my mind relax and my body calm. He took me to dinner and I knew immediately that all those quotes and poems I had read about finding your home and your heart in someone else were true. I don’t worry about what’s next. I don’t worry about my future. I don’t worry about keeping my pain to myself.

I feel ready. Ready to start my life again. Ready to move onto the next chapter of my life.

Reason. Season. Lifetime.

I no longer feel stuck between who I am, who I want to be and who I should be.

I struggle sometimes but I have a clearer picture of how this all works now.

Now I want you to figure it out. I want you to be proud of yourself. I want you to be excited about your world and your decisions. Make them for you. Make them for our family. Be my dad.

I know that you ended things with her. I didn’t know how to come home to you. I was scared and anxious and nervous to see you because I didn’t know you before you left and I didn’t know what version of my dad would be coming home to me. I still don’t know.

I know you are hurting. I know you are scared. I know you don’t know what your life will look like. But I do. I love you. I just want a lifetime of happiness for you. I want your smile to come back. I know I can trust you again. I know we will be okay again. I know you are my superhero. My dad. The only dad I know.

Just talk to me.

Believe in me.

Take care of me.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Tangled

I want to explain how it feels.

I don't want to move my body. I don't want to get out of the shower or brush my hair or take a selfie.

I'm not hungry. I'm not tired when I should be. I don't want to eat.

When I eat, I can't taste the flavors. Just feeding a machine that is my body.

I'll work my ass off in that WOD and feel incredible but I won't be able to get out off the car when I get home in the garage.

I'll pack my lunch knowing it's exactly what I need - knowing I won't eat it and it'll go back in the fridge tonight.

I'll smile for my kiddos, engage whole heartedly in their worries or stories and make a million decisions an hour.

I forgot to be my bright, happy-go-lucky self. I forgot to show my world that I'm still okay. My best friend - she knows. She's been there through it all, she knows me best. She lets me be sad and still tells me I'm lovely. I'm so blessed to call her my best friend.

And now I have you, too.

I want to lay on you. I want to hold your hand. I want to stare at your face and trace little drawings on your cheeks when you close your eyes.

Hold me tightly and hold me close. Let me take that deep breath I can't seem to take these days. Be patient with me as I express myself and worry about me with your eyes. Teach me to let go, teach me to lay down on you, teach me to be me alongside you.

You fell asleep beside me. It's not even 10 pm. But this moment is all I've wanted for so long. It makes me cry because I'm so happy to have you here, beside me. I know I can be silent in my struggle and know that soon, I never quite know when, I'll be back again. With joy and laughter and an abundance of love for my friends and for you.

Please, just be there when I come back.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

a sunday

Sunday.

Sunday afternoon now. It's a new feeling to know the sadness inside my body is not the sadness I feel on the outside. It's so much easier to write about sadness. To complain and be worried and scared and obsessed with how to fix me. To tell anyone and everyone. To see and hear and experience their worry.

I had a low week.

Couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. Didn't want to be alone, but didn't want to talk to anyone.

Trying to be my best self. Trying to put away that sad self.

Knowing that I'm good alone. I've been alone. I've done alone. I've mastered alone.

And now to know what being alone, with you feels like. With you, I can't keep the smile off my face. Dealing cards, playing silly games with my friends and unable to wipe this dorky smile off my face. Giggling on the inside thinking about you. Listening to a song come on that I've whisper sung to you while dancing in the kitchen, while laying on top of you in bed, while holding your hand on an adventure.

How each moment I'm experiencing in my day, I just want to share it with you or tell you about it later. How my mind and heart race at the anticipation of seeing your name pop up on my phone - that you are back. How much more that same heart races to see you later today.

To know that all the anxiety and worry I hold up inside me can slowly be released and know that it's okay to not be okay and you'll still hold my hand and tell me it's okay. I don't feel as scared to be raw and honest.

I didn't know I could feel this way. How did you know it could be this way?

I love that it can be this way. That your calm and caring spirit lift me up and give me space to be me. From the moment I saw you, I knew.

I knew I could do this again. I knew I could be me, again.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

No matter what, you won’t always feel like this.

Drove home form the cottage today and started crying. It wasn’t because of a song or a memory. It was because of a text. A text form my dad. I knew she’d be over tonight because he didn’t think I would be home until super late. So naturally she was over.

It’s been about six weeks since I word vomited all over my dad about his relationship. I didn’t hold back, well maybe just a little, and told him how I’ve felt for the past three years about her. That every time I come around the corner to our house I can’t help but check if her car is there and prepare the anxiety that was rising inside me a split second before. The amount of anxiety that glance produces is enough to cause my stomach to clench and my cheeks turn red. So my dad listens as I lash out in every direction about everything.

Fast forward a few weeks. I can’t remember why I looked, but I did. They were all gone. Everything in the drawer, and the next and the next. Where was her makeup brushes? What about that tiny old, old, old lipstick? Her contact lens solution? Her blush? Her hairbrush? Is that her hairbrush hers or mom’s? Does she get ready in the morning when she stays here with mom’s curling iron? I’m going to be sick. Get your shit together. He’s going to be here soon – you like him. Why did I have to look.

A few days later, I still can’t stop thinking about it. My eyes dart around, searching. Are her recipes still there? I check the drawer. Phew. Then I think about bringing it up to my dad. My heart races, my stomach hardens. That creeping anxiety stirs again. And then it’s overwhelming.

I’m supposed to be at the rehearsal dinner for Friday’s wedding. I miss the rehearsal and don’t want to drive across the city for dinner and then back again. I have to be up early for Crossfit. I start to drive towards home when it hits me. I told dad I was going to be out late for dinner. That means she will be over for dinner. I don’t even have to text him to know that. Now I can’t go home. Am I laughing or crying? I text my sister. I text B. I call AnL. Nobody else is home. I pull into their driveway anyways and walk around to the back deck and sit down looking out at the pond. I need to get my life together. I need to get an apartment. I need to tell my dad how I feel about the makeup drawers.

The text tells me she is coming over for dinner and asks if I wanted to join them. I don’t ever want to join. I want to tell him that I’m angry with her, that she threw away all of mom’s makeup and things. That I needed those things. I want to scream at him. That I can’t fucking stand her and I’m petrified of what our relationship be in a year, in 5. I want to curl up in a ball and angry cry. Why is it so hard for me to tell someone something that’s going to hurt them? It causes me great stress to be honest with my dad because I’m petrified that he could have asked her to clean out the bathroom. What are we supposed to do next? What is next? How does next work?

I have more questions than sentences these days. I don’t know anything. I am paralyzed and trapped. I feel like I am going backwards. How does that happen in a split moment? It all comes crashing down.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

just a day.

You know that cliché, live every day like it’s your last. I’ve had a few days of moments where those moments change everything. Just innocent small moments, little conversations, little bits of information, little feelings and then it’s all different.

Tuesday of the last week of school, I get a text. Hey, so and so wants to know if it’s too forward of him if I give him your number. Sure. Go for it. I’m single. I’ll chat. I didn’t think too much about it until he messaged me good morning the next morning. Super early too, usually my phone stays on airplane mode until I’m done my workout and then sometimes I even forget to turn it off until I’m driving to work. Woah! A good morning message, this is fun, this is new, this is nice! I can do this. We chatted every day - messages, insta, snaps. Just became my day, my reality, my smile. Until it didn’t.

How strange we go from day to day chatting to nope, I think we should just be friends. And this is only a month. Was it me? Was I too much? Was it really just the distance?

And then I start to think. Did I really like this guy? Was I really interested in him or was it just idea of him? Am I even ready for someone new? It was just so easy to slip into a friendship, a relationship.

I feel foolish having told my friends or family about him. Now I have to un-tell everyone. I’m so annoyed. I honestly don’t know if I liked him. It wasn’t a flirtatious fling, it was an honest and plain kinda fling. Do I even want that? This is impossible. I’m so confused. And annoyed. So now, we are just friends. What exactly does that mean? What happens now?

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Let’s try this.

Stop waiting. Stop waiting for Friday, for summer, for someone to fall in love with you, for life. I couldn’t pick a new background for my phone. For ages it was my cats, I think it was actually a picture of my cats from the morning after I broke up with my boyfriend. Regardless I changed it to the rehearsal dinner picture we took with the girls. I don’t know why I did that because I didn’t particularly like that one either, but, again, it made the bride smile when I showed her my phone. 

When dinner was over, I bought them dinner. Why? No idea. I didn’t even want to be there.

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a really long time is write a maid of honor speech about things I don’t really believe in at the moment or feel whatsoever. If you talked to me at all this week, I’m sure you heard me whine about it, to the point I had to force myself to stop talking about weddings altogether. It’s hard to feel when you don’t feel. It’s hard to be alone when you want to be alone but in someone’s company. It’s hard to write when you don’t want to talk. But I had dinner with a new friend, the same friend I convinced to join me for the wedding so that I could at least have a good time and a laugh. Why was it so hard to ask my ‘best friend’ for a plus one to her wedding and then apologize for asking in the first place? Why do I still have to care so much? Whatever. Got the invite. Now, he has to come. 

We go out for dinner a few days before the wedding, I get him to choose me a beer. He’s handsome, I like him. His friendship is important, I can’t explain it. Everyone I tell about him, gives me this funny look like it’s not allowed lol, I still haven’t figured it out even after this weekend. I think I took one look at him months ago and had a very clear thought, we would definitely be friends with benefits and I’d be okay with it. Having a boyfriend at the time made this difficult so we weren’t friends until a few months later. Imagine this whole time we were just friends with benefits. Is that what I need? Maybe. I honestly have no idea. ANYWAYS, we have dinner, I spent most of dinner comparing it to a dinner the previous week. I find it so interesting how I can do the exact same thing and feel so completely different about both dinners. Oh well, that’s that. He’s coming to the wedding, I’m wearing pink, he doesn’t need to match but I know he’ll be handsome in a suit. We can share a hotel room, sleep in the same bed. No big deal I keep saying.

Wedding day continues as expected. Hours in the same room, calm the bride, do the stuff. Be the maid of honor. Got it. I can do this. I can even feign excitement and take all the selfies and make all the faces and facilitate all the perfect photos. I’m even good at it. I guess I was slipping for a few days prior to the wedding, that dark cloud of grief and depression just out of my headspace enough not to call on it – yet. Suddenly it’s 4pm and everything needs to happen at the exact same time. Maid of honor can you help with this, this person is doing this, do you know how to do this, where is this person, what time are they getting here, who is going to put this out there, does she need this? Okay, yup. Everything is under control. Smile. The cake topper has been found, mom helped put on the dress, dad did the reveal photos, oh yeah – that book you spent hours on – she loves its – let’s take photos, groom and groomsmen are here and they have their boutonnieres, guests are taking their seats. Friend is here, early even. He’s great. Gold Star. I don’t see him on the side of the guests I’m facing. I feel the panic inside me of the last wedding I was in where I’m pretty sure my ex didn’t even make it to the ceremony. And then I see him. Instant relief. I smile, a sideways smile and might even stick my tongue out. Ceremony is almost over. Phew.

Ceremony is done. I sweat through my dress, we get one photo of the wedding party and one of the bridesmaids and that’s it. Big droplets of water. Rain is here, glad we got the coordinator to grab the umbrellas for us after all. I can’t wait to see him. I can’t wait for that Rye and Ginger. I can’t wait to take these shoes off. I spot him in the cocktail party. A pink napkin thing in the pocket a tie of tiny pink and purple flowers. Good call. I take his drink and drink it all. We get another and meet the rest of my friends. The guys from university. It’s like we never left. How fun is that! I miss them.

Then, duty calls. Figure out our entrance dance in, watch the first dances, sway and sing along like nobody is watching. Salad. Put the cards away and check in with the bride. Get my speech. Listen to Best Man Speech. Read my speech. Dinner. More speeches. Dessert. More speeches. Drink all the wine. Finally, time to drink champagne and celebrate. I see him sitting at the table alone with a drink. I take his drink. He tells me everyone is in love with me. I laugh. HA. NAH. Let’s go, let’s dance. You know, you look handsome. You know, the first time I saw you I knew I couldn’t be your friend while I was dating someone else. You know, did I thank you for coming today.

All the drinks. All the Rye and Ginger. All the dancing. I love dancing. I was happy and free and happy. It was perfect. I loved everyone. I danced. I sang. And then it was all over. I was running around collecting things. He unzips my dress. I kissed him? Did we kiss then? I change into my leggings and t-shirt. Did I change in the hallway? We get onto the shuttle bus. Did I forget my bouquet? We sit on the bus together and it’s so nice. I forget how nice someone’s company is. It’s glorious. Let’s just sit and talk about nothing. Yes, my favourite.

Then, we’re here. We’re in the room. I have to pee. He’s in his boxers. Do we sleep? Nah. Did you know this was going to happen? Just, be my friend. I need you as my friend.

Alarm goes off. I think I might puke. It was a perfect night. 9 am. Goodbye, drive safe, have fun watching the game. Come lay down and talk to me. He’s wearing a baseball cap. He’s still my friend. He closes the door and I puke. I’m dying. Go back to bed and sleep until 10:30 he says, I can do this.

Something is singing. That must be my alarm now. Wake up. You can drive an hour, count down the minutes. You’ll survive. You get to swim. I did it.

I still don’t know what I’m doing.

Sunday night. I need a new picture for my background. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, I can’t find the right picture. Every single photo on my phone just annoys me. I hate them all. I knew in that quiet moment, that that hangover depression I was feeling earlier was actually just me. Just me today and probably for a little while now. I know this feeling, by heart.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

High lows

It's been awhile. It's been a lot of highs and lows and some high lows. Lots of ends and lots of starts and some same olds. How come it's so much easier to write and whine about my life than to write and celebrate my life? How come I find it harder to share my happy thoughts than my painful ones?

I've been a busy lady, I don't remember what I last really wrote about, I think it was a quick 'be my friend' comment and before that it was my CrossFit day which now seems like months ago!

I spent a weekend with JM and caught them up on me and them. I love friendships that can last time and time and time. That you can walk up and talk and it's like you never left them. That you can share and listen and you. There's no pressure to be anyone but yourself. Be selfish and tell them everything, don't stop talking about yourself and just be yourself. I love being part of their family, I can't wait to bring someone into my own family some day and feel the same connection. I need to make more of an effort to be that role model for little S, I couldn't be more proud of her. It was such a high of a weekend, getting so much off my chest and sharing so much of myself and just feeling all that love.

Jump ahead to the next weekend that should have been a high of a weekend and tuned into such a low. Stretching myself too thin. Caring too much but really not caring at all. Puts you in a tough spot. How can I please you and not let it destroy me entirely? How can I encourage myself to be selfish and talk talk talk when I can't stand that about you? You're suppossed to be 'allowed' to behave that way because it's your big day and your time?! How does that make sense. I swear I don't even know what I'm doing in this anymore and yet, I put on my big girl pants and do it all for you again. To please you. To support you. To love you. When I want to turn the other direction and ignore you like you've ignored me. I'd like to know how you feel about this thing called us. Because, at this point, I don't feel a whole lot of us anymore and I'm not even sad about it. Low.

School's out. Sun's out. Cottage and summer lovin. Who could ask for a better high! Oh five days of books and gummies and giggles and bikinis, some snacks and adventures. Chasing the sunshine. That's all it takes to start my summertime. High. High. High.

Then. Low. Low. Low. It crashes down on you hard. The high you felt disappears. Replaced by the slow dread of the past two years. You swore you'd never say all those thoughts and words out loud. Fearing the worst possible outcome. But you can't keep it inside. The question leads to heightened anxiety, fear and anger. "How do you feel about my relationship with blank?" I can't fucking stand her is how I feel but I'll try and put it into words that I haven't been able to find for three years for you. I guess off the top of my head is better than nothing. Who needs sleep?

But that high low. When you just can't stay low, because of all the high you feel. That rush. That excitement. That anticipation of a kiss. Do you remember the high of meeting that new someone? Of just being your dorky self, talking to yourself but actually talking to someone brand new who seems to love how you talk to yourself? You get to be you and they still like you. You're not competing for affection or attention. You just smile for no reason. You smile for a million reasons. And that just makes your low that much more bearable, because that high wants to protect the low that's breaking your heart.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

New Friend

I just want a new person. A new person who doesn’t know me, to talk to. Who I don’t have to explain my whole story or explain why I am the way I am. Can I just hangout with you? Can you just tell me about you and I can just listen? Just tell me more about you. 

Could it really be so hard and confusing to be a new friend? Why do I find this so hard? 

My mind just races, over and over. I just want to be your friend. 

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Strong

One of the best parts of writing your weekly feels is having a great weekend and sharing about it. This weekend was one of the best I've had in months. The best because of so much new experiences and feelings.

Saying goodbye to my teaching partner. But not really goodbye. Just a goodbye from the day to do until she has her baby and I get to invade and be her bestie - not just her taching partner. I am so happy and excited I done even have space to be sad about it. Maybe that will change tomorrow when she doesn't pop into my classroom throughout the day... Regardless, it was a mixup of emotions for the end of the week.

A real CrossFit competition. I mean, like real real. People who do CrossFit to compete were there. I think I spent most of the time just in awe and bewilderment at their ability. Just staring at people and their bodies and their beastyness. I'm in the best shape of my life and so proud of my hard work but watching other people push their body SO MUCH more than I could ever is just something else. It's like a mix of defeat and amazement. I don't think I ever want to get that 'good' but everyone in that space was just incredible. I can't even put it into words. I love how much we can lush our bodies and our body just goes. We went in with low expectations because it's new, I'm not competitive and mostly I'm just okay at crossfit and I'm happy about that. But it's humbling to be dying, curled up in a ball and maxxing out your body and in the next breath jump up - run to the other end and use even more energy to push my partner to finish. She is incredible. I cried when she pushed that sled over the finish line. We finished 1/3 WODs and I couldn't be more proud of us. What an exhilarating feeling. I hope never forget the cheer that errupted from everyone in the room. The energy was the best I've been in for awhile. Everyone just cheering our bodies to get it done. Get deep and push it even more. I can't get enough of it and I can't stop thinking about it. To say I'm addicted is an understatement and I don't care if I annoy you by talking about it and you don't even know what I'm saying. I'm gonna say it more and more and you'll know it then!

Feeling the love. I felt the love this weekend. I am so happy. It's hard to imagine not being happy when I'm this happy. But I know what unhappy is. So I feel even more grateful to be happy. Just happy. Nothing could have made this weekend any better.

Bridal shower, round two, for another bestie. I am so blessed in friendship. Truly the best. I have the best friends. I know I don't say it enough and I hide away and have a hard time staying in touch but when I see them, it's the best feeling. I can't imagine my life without them. We love each other and it makes my heart so happy to be surrounded by such beautiful souls. How did I get so lucky to have such great friends? I feel like the luckiest woman to know them all and call them my friends.

Sharing about grief. My friend is just starting and I can't stop thinking about her. We aren't as close as we could be but I feel like a friendship has blossomed and I need to be her person. Grief has a way of pulling you together. It's important. My mind is bubbling thinking about how I can out all my thoughts into something cohesive and thoughtful and helpful. It's brooding and should be ready to share soon. It needs to be shared. And sharing it when I'm in my acceptance stage - I think it's the only way I'll ever be able to.

I won't even let that woman's comment about being dad's 'partner' bug me anymore.

Everything this weekend was perfect.

Maybe one day I'll have a similar weekend with a man cheering me on. But the best thing about this weekend - I didn't need a man to be happy. THAT is what I've been waiting for all this time.

Happiness. Just be happy. You got this.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Mother's Day

Can you believe this is my third mothers day without her. I spent it in the sunshine. With my best friend. Doing some marking and just breathing. Not being sad, not thinking too much about it really. I know that it's on my mind but I've learned how to have it on my mind and still be mindful of my day. I don't want to spend it celebrating other people's moms. I think I've finally accepted that mother's day for me is being with me and just being. I wasn't sad at all, which would have made me sad in the past. But I think, instead, I've held onto the strength from this day. I'm slowly rising up from the depression and denial and into this round of acceptance. I don't often use that word. But today I can use it. I can say it out loud with a smile as I hug my knees in close and look in the mirror. I can see it in my eyes and my smile. That I'm ready for this round of happiness and taking a little hop into the unknown of what's next. The unknown emotion and complexities of this world of mine.

I can't stop thinking about being a mom, I can't wait to build upon my version of mother's day. To really celebrate my mom in the only way I know, to be just like the woman, wife, mother, sister, friend and lover she raised.

[mascara-and-a-smile]

Stuck in my head

I can't seem to get out of my own head this week. I few things just keep replaying over and over. A friend's husband asked me last Sunday if I had gone through trauma in life life, apart from my mom's passing. I stared at him dumbfounded because I had never been asked that question before. My entire childhood flashed through my head and I shook my head softly. No, I said. Then a flood of tears threatened to fall from my eyes. No wonder, I thought, no wonder I am still trying to deal with the stress, anxiety, fear and sadness of my mom. I keep wondering if I always feel this so strongly? Will I always think my dad isn't sad anymore? My sister? I had no coping strategies. No wonder I've felt so lost. No wonder I seem to be stuck. I spend so much time just considering what I'm doing and if it's the right thing and what I should be doing differently but at the same time I don't want anyone else's opinion about it because I want this to be mine. Honestly my own head space is just a nonstop rollar coaster. But I appreciated so much, having someone validate why I could still be struggling so much. A few minutes later, I shared the story of my mom's week in the hospital. And I cried. My friend could not believe the detail in which I could retell each day. I remember clothing and faces and smells and sounds and emotions and the looks from the nurses and staff. Most of all I remember my mom. And as I cried, soft and silent tears, I felt such a beautiful release. Like she was giving me a hug and telling me it was still okay. Like everything I was feeling was still okay. Like she knows. She knows I'll be okay and all the fears inside of me will one day be memories of feelings and not the feeling themselves. And with that release I can breathe. Again. I am ready for the next stage of my grief, once again.

On a somewhat related note, I stayed later one night after work to chat with my friend. A newer friend of mine, yet one who has become such an integral part of my day to day and also a best friend. It is so interesting to me how friendships develop. I am fascinated by it. We have a connection different than any other and I don't even know how it when it happened. Isn't that just the most welcoming and special feeling? I love that I can be my true self and wear my heart on my sleeve and know that it's protected. Somehow we got on the topic of empathy the other night and again, I was dumbfounded by a statement she made. She was sharing with me a conversation she had with someone else, and within their conversation she had a realization. If I remember correctly, je was having a hard time understanding how she could put herself in someone else's shoes. I was having a hard time focusing because as the words were coming out of her mouth my head was thinking the exact same thing she was saying. This happens to us quite often. I started to laugh. And then I stopped laughing. I looked at her, wide eyed. Wait a minute, I said, there are people in this world who don't constantly think about how other people are feeling and how what I say and do can affect then in different ways. I was stuck dumb. I mean I know I know this fact. And yet, when someone says it to you so matter of factly it has such a bigger impact on you. At least it did to me. I sat on the desk, trying to imagine not wondering how another person was feeling while they are telling me a story or not trying to put myself in their position when making a decision. I physically could not do it. Is it a curse or a blessing that I am an all consuming love and feeling person? I've always loved that about myself. But, man. Can it ever get overwhelming. In the next moment, I looked at her and sputtered something about how incredulous that was. And we thought about it for a moment and moved on. But I can't move on. I'm stuck in my own head about it. I stop and drop everything for the ones I love. I got this from my dad. I can barely talk to him about it because he just repeats I know, I know, I gave that to you and then we laugh. Any frustration I was feeling about why I do this disappears and I just shake my head and continue to stop and drop everything. I did this all the time for my ex boyfriend and now I just don't want to do it anymore. But the thought of not doing it gives me deep anxiety. I feel like I am being selfish. Am I being selfish? Who knows? Again, this goes back to my need to feel how others feel. And then I am stuck.

Wedding venues are also suck in my head. Not for me, for my sister. I am trying very hard not to put myself in her shoes because we are so different and we don't want the same things for our weddings. I've made this a challenge for myself. It's kind of fun, just focusing on her feelings and making her feel and letting her choose the words. I think because I am her older sister I did the talking for her when we were little? Maybe? Who knows? Now, we are new friends but with a childhood of memories that can influence how we really feel about each other's decisions. I forget how much my actions and words can influence her or upset her. Is it because she's my sister that I think I know what she's thinking without giving her the chance to think it first? Certainly feels that way when I find out later that I've hurt her feelings. Maybe little sisters are just confusing souls who think older sisters are opioniated tornados. Or, that's just us. I think we picked her venue yesterday, and it's nothing like I imagined for my baby sister's wedding but it's everything that she is now and I can wait for her special day in Fall 2019.

One of the reasons I started to blog was because of all the mama bloggers I started following when I was breaking up with my boyfriend and needed someone else's life to follow along. Interesting that I chose women who have babies. Probably means something about my layers of ego. But these women, they are inspriring! I feel like I am their friend and yet I've never sent them a single message. I do however, forward all the fun baby things to my best friend who is pregnant. I am so excited for her. I get tinggly just thinking about it. Today we are celebrating her, at her baby shower. I can't wait to spoil her and her baby. It's been on my mind almost daily because she's leaving for her maternity leave in four weeks and I don't know what I'll do without her in my every day. I need her in my every day.

So as I lay here, still in bed, an hour later. I am ready to get up for my Sunday. Go workout and celebrate the wonderful women in my life. The sun is shining and my head is a little more clear for a new week.

[mascara-and-a-smile]