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Last year

Crazy to think that I haven't been on here for the majority of 2014. There just wasn't any time.

June: passed an exam on our three-month, then took a bus to NY and flew to Vegas for the last EDC LV 14. It was a shitshow, but I made a vlog. Aiming for the kinder side of nostalgia.

No more dieting.

Summer kind of went by. I was sick the first week of July and started studying again the second. August was Cape Cod. Two weddings. I gave a speech and cried. Chicago in September. Another wedding in October. 

My first cruise during Thanksgiving week. It was so relaxing. The food was amazing. I think it was around this time that I found myself crying every single day. I don't know when it started, just that at one point I realized I couldn't remember the last day that I didn't cry. Realistically it might've started in August. I was having a hard time at work.

November onwards was hell in a lot of ways. Nothing would give. Work was constant. I'd finished one exam and immediately jumped into another. In December I find out I failed both while all my coworkers passed. My boyfriend's dad calls me fat. I reconsider my relationship with the kind of fury that suggests I just need a reason to be unhappy. It doesn't help that I'm kind of in the midst of a feminist awakening. I spend the majority of Christmas eve on Megabus but eventually make it home to my parents', to my favorite city in the world.

My 27th birthday: the first time I've received jewelry as a kind of promise.

At some point in NY I wrote a little. Maybe it'll go into a book someday

I'm moving to Seattle next month. It's scary how much has happened in 2014. Never have I been this happy, nor this depressed. I've thought about killing myself, and I've thought, "God, I'm so lucky." It's just hard, sometimes, when you feel yourself physically growing up. My life is no longer just mine. I'm not good at sharing. But I have to be.

I'm scared about Seattle, about my new rotation, about whether I can stick to this career path. I'm scared about growing up too fast, because despite being 27 I still teared up when I had to say goodbye to my parents, when the car hit the freeway and I was no longer sure when I'd be back home again.

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My biggest NSV to date: two identical pairs of jeans but for the size -- 28s -> 26s.

It's possible!

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Hum

Doesn't feel like that much has happened since January, but:

I've never studied this hard and consistently for an exam.

My weight is ranging from 119-122. "What?!" is right. This is my lowest weight since high school!

I kind of met someone.

I don't know if I talked about it here at all, but for a while I was getting pretty intense sleep paralysis/lucid dreams, sometimes for consecutive days. It's happened maybe once or twice since CNY but was still a mental presence until... recently. I couldn't sleep on my back because I noticed that's how I'd get it. I moved around all my furniture for better fengshui. But this morning I woke up feeling safe. Not to give that aforementioned someone credit but that's how he makes me feel. :)

(Nope he wasn't even next to me!)

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Someday I'll be the kind of person who can sum up the day, week, month she just had

I'm content

I'm afraid to be alone

but I'm not lonely

It's weird. I'm in the 130s, but I'm still content. Life has been good to me lately. Being back in my room gives me anxiety sometimes, when I sit in front of my laptop for prolonged periods of time. But I really like my coworkers. That part is the weirdest.

I missed the deadline for 2014 resolutions but here are a few:

Be clean after EDC LV. It's been fun, but I know what it's like, and that's enough.

Get down to 115 because I can.

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best of 2012 - Ask Amy

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give me my twenties back

It's been a very trying year. Somehow in the past two months I've managed to regain footing and simultaneously block out exactly how tough it's been, but tonight is a reminder of how far I've come and how much left of this fucking long road I've got. Sick with a migraine and still plowing through all these practice questions. Always, always testing. It's a 24-hour job. Whoever called this career stress-free is out of their fucking mind.

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I vow from this day forward to never binge again, and to own up to my fears instead.

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nerves

123 always makes me nervous because it's served as a turning point twice in the past three years--twice it was my "lowest post-high school weight," and twice I gained all of it back soon thereafter. But after three years of on-off dieting I do feel that I have a better grip on myself now. I understand myself better, and I've changed. I'm not past self-sabotage, but I know my triggers better now.

I'm pretty sure I've been mildly depressed my whole life. Which is why any sort of happiness usually sends me through the roof--like seeing color for the first time. I doubt I'll get the euphoria that a lot of keto-ers talk about, but I've noticed an increased sense of calm, sense of ease when it comes to food. I had two Reese's peanut butter cups on Monday, and I had an M&M cookie today. I had a chocolate bar on Friday. That was all. I wasn't stricken with an incapacitating guilt afterwards. There was some guilt, but not an incapacitating amount.

I kind of like keto, but I want to try it without the coffee. The coffee messes with my sleep. And I miss fruit a lot. Maybe more veggies is the solution. Lately I've been craving cucumbers like crazy.

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What I would tell my body

White text reads: “I’ve had three knee surgeries, thirteen teeth pulled, six psychotic roommates, and three bosses who belong behind bars. But I had you. So yeah, I would consider myself a lucky person.”

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TIML

I haven't written in a long time because I'm begun to shy away from making definitive statements about whatever I'm trying out at the moment and how much it's working for me. Because how do you define "working for me"? Most of this ends up being temporary, let's face it.

This move has forced me to accept carbs into my life again. Carbceptance. All things taken into consideration - social obligations, stress management, increased cardio exercise - I had to gradually untrain my mind to shun all carbs. Have to. It's a WIP.

I'm walking a lot, thanks to my Fitbit. It's pretty much all I do now, even at the gym. Went through a bad health spell that culminated in a stomach virus two weeks ago and I'm not ready to push my body to do anything that'll cause overstress.

A lot of things are happening, I just haven't realized it yet. It's only been three months! What. So much has happened these past three months. For one, I can actually articulate what my job entails these days. I've learned a fuckload. It's been ridiculously trying, enough that I've thought more than a few times about offing myself just because I didn't want to deal with what was waiting for me at the office the next morning. I've made mistakes, acted stupid, asked dumb questions (probably not enough).

And on the work-unrelated end, it took me about a month to get unreasonably attached to someone four years younger than me, and then another week for that person to almost completely disappear from my life. I've thought a lot about relationships and myself, how well I could handle one, how much I want or do not want to be in one, and what I'm actually looking for in a guy. I'm like, such a baby when it comes to these days. Seriously immature. My last relationship was... four years ago. Yeah. Thinking back to it now feels like a dream. Fraught with drama and tears, yeah, but something ultimately worth having.

I think so much about electronic dance music, the latest preferred method of escapism.

My weight is, well, mine. It's in the mid to upper 120s these days and while I'm not happy with it, I'm eating a little better than August or September. Trying to curb that bad cookie habit. Trying to go easy on the daily cuppa. Embracing tea. If the stomach virus taught me anything, it's that you don't always have to eat. When you physically cannot eat, even limited amounts of food can feel luxurious.

Listening to myself. I'm trying to heal.

But real talk, here's my plan for the end of the year and into 2014. Main goals: stay healthy, don't get sick. Supplementary goals:

1) Get into the low 120s by New Year's, mainly through eating better. These days I'm getting into moderation, kinda. Carbs aren't my friend, but we're acquainted. Better than strangers. If I'm preparing for an event, I'll cut them out for the debloating effect.

2) Keep walking, on an incline, and add in some bodyweight exercises. Take the occasional class at the gym. I'm setting achievable goals.

3) Gradually incorporate heavier weights once I get down to 118 or thereabouts. I'm taking my injuries a bit more seriously now, so "easing into" something is definitely key.

4) Finally hit that elusive 115. And then, maybe 110. Is that even a possibility? And I mean a carb-loaded 110. Carbs, I want to get there with you guys. Let's work together and do this!

...and that's why I haven't written in so long. Haha.

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People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness

(via heywhysoserious)

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A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything.

Irish proverb (via ponceau)

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Well this is gonna be long and stupid but today is a crazy and kind of important/super emotional stupid day for me. All shitty-company-policies aside, I haven’t been inside of a Hollister store since I was 14. I couldn’t fit into any of their pants and their largest shirt size was almost TOO tight. Today, I’m 20 years old and finally getting over a really huge anxiety of mine. I haven’t really known what my true size in any article of clothing has been for the last year and in a fucked-up kind of way, always resented other girls who could fit into their clothes. Not because I even liked them or anything but because I guess they had money and were pretty and were the kind of people who used to make fun of me. I walked in and started with the largest size they had. I’m still used to going for the largest sizes and I forget about the immense changes I’ve gone through and it’s always a shock when I have to ask for a smaller size. I did that about four times today and ended up buttoning up size 3s. That shirt is an XS. it was honestly terrifying. It’s been really hard getting accustomed to the fact that this is my body now and it’s been almost two years. Today was important because I think my body image is finally adjusting to an accurate perspective. It’s very difficult for me to agree with people who compliment my body because sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel like the exact same person I was 2 years ago. Not that she was a bad person but she definitely wasn’t happy with the way she looked. Anyway, today is important because I finally did something I’ve been avoiding for a long time and am starting to come to terms with the fact that this is really my body, I worked hard for it, and I am going to take this encouragement to continue doing things the right way for myself. I guess I just wanted to prove something to myself today. Thanks for reading, if you did. 

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I've tried being in denial about it but the truth is I hate feeling fat. I hate it more than I care about taking a healthy approach to self-esteem. So there it is. I should just resign myself to a lifetime of dieting.