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[matalikha]

“Pasensya ka na, kung hindi pa pala ako handa sa pangmatagalan”

“Sana, hindi mo na lang sinimulan kung hindi mo kayang panindigan”

Hindi na sana ako naglaan nang matagal na panahon sa taong gusto lang pala ng silungan at tambayan. Bumitiw na sana ako sa mga gabing wala kang malapitan at makapitan. Hindi na sana ako naniwala sa salitang iyong binitawan na hindi mo ako iiwan.

Alam mo, makasarili ka. Dahil nakikita mo lang ang halaga ko kapag wala sila. Binibigyan mo lang ako ng importansya kapag hindi mo sila makita. Binabasa mo lang ang libro natin kapag tapos ka na sa iba.

Sabi pa nga nila ay katangi-tangi at kamahal-mahal ka, totoo naman. Pero hindi nila binanggit na ganiyan ka lang sa tuwing hindi mo na gusto ang ideya ng pag-iisa.

Sinasayang mo ang pagmamahal na walang ibang ginawa kun’di ang intindihin at basahin ka. Binabalewala mo ‘yung taong isinantabi ang kaniyang sarili para lamang iparamdam sa iyo na mahalaga ka at hindi ka nag-iisa.

Huwag mong sabihing ayaw mo lang maulit muli ang sakit na naramdaman mo sa kanila. Dahil ang totoo, binago ka ng pag-ibig na madalas mong ibigay sa kanila kaya’t nandito ka ngayon gumaganti sa iba.

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Don't start this year by overworking yourself already. You barely got time to rest from the holidays, and things are back to where they always were. Make it a goal to not burn yourself out this year. Make it a goal to do anything in your power to avoid being stuck in a work routine that is so demanding that you lose your health. You are worth so much more than this hustling, toxic workplace, and burnout culture. Even if it's hard to see your worth outside of your productivity, try to do it for your health's sake. You deserve better than this toxicity behind our work culture.

[matalikha]

Puro ka "deserve ko to deserve ko to," pero nag sesettle sa bare minimum, half baked love and walking Red flags. 6mal.

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"Coffee it's not an addiction it's a necessity." (at Burj Khalifa) https://www.instagram.com/p/CWKr5KqBijlqNrsfcMJq5PMHA99hrvXXavC-1o0/?utm_medium=tumblr

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May lovelife ka nga, wala ka namang pera. Malungkot pa din. Kaloka !

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Kapag tama ka na, huwag mo na hayaang magkamali ka pa.

[matalikha]

This is me Owning My Mistakes

Prior I have written about the grief that has left me scarred.�� Writing has allowed me to feel lighter. As I put my pain onto pages, it means it triggers me everyday.  Triggers don’t die completely; they are ghosts that visit unexpectedly.    Yet the more you face and work through your pain, the less frequent the ghosts visit.

What I haven’t written about are my choices that wounded others, including my loved ones.  Some of the people I have hurt the most are also the people I love the most in this world.  Facing trauma is hard, but what’s even harder is admitting to the world that you weren’t always a good person and that your actions resulted in someone else’s suffering. Even though I haven’t publicly owned my mistakes (until now), it doesn’t mean they haven’t tormented me.

Even though I haven’t publicly owned my mistakes (until now), it doesn’t mean they haven’t tormented me. For years, I have been buried in guilt. It lives in my mind, frequently appearing in nightmares, reminding me that I wasn’t always an honest person. Every time I look at old photographs of myself, remembering who I used to be, I feel the hatred burn inside.

Thoughts fire in my brain: You’re heartless. You’re disgusting. You deserved everything bad that happened to you.

I have been lied to, deceived, manipulated, taken advantage of, betrayed, and cheated.

This is me admitting that I have also been a liar and a cheater. I have deceived, manipulated, taken advantage of, and betrayed others. I have been carelessly selfish. I have loved people and yet still made choices that would devastate them. The situations I was a part of led to the breaking of relationships and altered the course of people’s lives.

The thing about the pain we’ve experienced and the pain we’ve caused is most of the time, there is not one person who is completely responsible. There is always some responsibility we must take for ourselves, because there are times when we ignore our gut or deny our true feelings because we are chasing a subconscious story or fabricated dream in our head.

As much as we want it to be the fault of one person, it rarely is. There are always intertwining factors. There may be one person who was the biggest perpetrator, but if we let that person hold the door to our freedom, then there will always be loose ends. Loose ends from apologies that aren’t sincere or weren’t ever received and behavior that hasn’t changed. In the end, we have to take responsibility for the pieces we can, remember that our choices were influenced by other elements, and learn from our experiences.

It doesn’t change that I did make choices that were heartless and disgusting, and in some ways I did deserve the aftermath of it all. If it wasn’t for the aftermath, though, I may have never become who I am today. Making those choices doesn’t make me heartless or disgusting as a whole. Truthfully, if I hadn’t made them and felt the consequences, I wouldn’t have learned that wasn’t the person I wanted to be.

The person I was is not the person I am today. In fact, I haven’t been that person for years. I am honest and empathetic. I do everything in my power not to hurt others without sacrificing myself. It’s time to stop carrying the guilt of who I’ve been on the shoulders of who I am now. The previous version of me no longer exists.

Wholeheartedly, I wish that my choices hadn’t caused affliction for the people I love. That being said, as much as I want to, I can’t heal anyone else’s wounds. In healing my own, I can love devotedly and hurt less. I can’t change my mistakes, but this is me owning them.

This is me owning that I have gained the strength to not make them again.

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Can I tell you a secret? You don’t have to be in a relationship.

I mean it. i know they force it down your throat until you choke on it. Girls aren’t pretty unless they’re wanted. Boys aren’t men unless they’re having sex with someone. People aren’t lovable until they’re dating someone.

But a relationship won’t always make you happy, and as wonderful as romance is, it isn’t the only love that exist. i have seen friendships that are deeper and more pure that couples who swear it’s forever-and yet the friendship is the one people ignore.

I have heard so often “nobody loves me” out of the mouths pf people who are single. And it kills me because if you ask them: where are your parents, your teachers, your classmate, your pets- they say yes, okay, but it doesn’t count. Of course it counts, love doesn’t diminish because someone doesn’t want to have sex with you. In fact, doesn’t it sort of make that love more real that they want nothing- not even a date- out of you?

It is pretty to be in love. It’s magical I’m sure. but it’s also wonderful to stop for ice cream in your prom dress with six other girls. It;s also wonderful to go visit the world with nothing but a bunch of buddies who are really excited about learning.

The problem is: we’ve everything about “the one”. But maybe “the one” is just you, loving yourself, having fun, and being happy. maybe instead of looking for our other halves, we should be piecing ourselves together.

Maybe I wasn’t born unfinished. Maybe I am the one who makes myself better.

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Someone once told me to always live for little things in life.Live for 5am sunrise and 5pm sunsets where you’ll see colours in the sky that don’t usually belong.

Live for road trips and bike rides with music in your ears and the wind in your hair.

Live for days when you’re surrounded by your favorite people who make you realise that the world is not a cold, harsh place.

Live for liitle things because they will make you realise that this is what life is about, this is what it means to be alive.

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“I am going to make a very beautiful life for myself no matter what it takes.”

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As I lurch from one day and week to the next, extreme thoughts appear. And doubts. Doubts appear. They appear because I have gotten it wrong so many times in the past that I just don’t trust myself to make decisions any more.

What is the difference between taking a chance and being foolish? When does the former become the latter? Should I listen to my heart? My gut? My head? What is each one telling me? How do I know which one is the right one to listen to?

I fear consequences.

On the one hand, I just want to adopt a ‘not giving a fuck’ attitude. If I pretended for a minute that there would be no negative consequences of taking the chance, then I’d take it. Or even if there were negative consequences, that they would not be insurmountable. There would always be a way back. Then I’d take the risk then too.

What will happen if I do this and fail?

What will happen if I do this and succeed?

What will happen if I don’t do this and continue to fail?

What will happen if I don’t do this and succeed?

But when I keep getting things wrong over and over again, how do I trust myself to make the right decision. I don’t want to make a stupid judgement and take a gamble. But I also want to know. I want to know what taking the gamble will be like. Could I live with it if it’s a disaster? Could I? Would I be ashamed? Embarrassed? Or would I just be relieved that now I just know and I can move on.

I just don’t trust myself.

I was sure that the most recent big decision I made was going to be the right one. It felt right. It felt natural. And yet, here I am. Two months down the line and it is already proving to be a mistake.

I am my decisions. I am the chances I take and the consequences of my actions. I feel like I need someone to tell me what to do. To show me the way. Tell me what I have been doing wrong. Enlighten me. Give me some kind of penny-dropping light bulb moment. But I don’t have anybody who can do that.

I can’t keep ending up in the same state after every time I take a punt on something.

I guess I need to look at it this way. With the aforementioned recent decision that has backfired, I need to ask myself the question: Am I still glad I took the chance?

If I am really honest with myself then the answer is yes. And the reason for that is because even though I am arguably in a worse position now than I was before I took that risk, at least I can now close the door on that particular avenue of thought. It was something that I first started thinking about 10 years ago and now I finally have an answer for it. It was not what I had hoped for and not what I thought it would be like.

Interestingly, the decision that stands before me now also first appeared roughly 10 years ago. Perhaps that’s the lesson here. If something sits in the back of your mind for such a long time and it doesn’t materialise then there’s a reason for that – it’s not for you.

On the flip side, isn’t it a bit defeatist and not necessarily logical or wise to be put off just because one 10-year question did not turn out to be the answer I was looking for?

These are the questions and conundrums and dilemmas that I battle with constantly in my head. All the time. And let me tell you something. It is exhausting. And it ends in paralysis. Paralysed by fear and indecision, I do nothing. And when I do finally manage to make a decision about something, I am not rewarded.

So what is the lesson here? Is accepted stagnation worse than trying and failing? Is it?

Take the chance and if I’m left disappointed, face the consequences and console myself with ‘at least now I know’ platitudes?

Or be sensible, grit my teeth, try to scrounge myself out of the current mire and hope I can improve things?

[matalikha]

Akala ko nakakarindi na ang sigawan at bangayan. Pero mas nakakabingi pala ang katahimikan—

habang ikaw ang sinasandalan.

[matalikha]

Sana ay batid mong hindi ganun kadaling manahanan sa puso mong pinipilit akong itinutulak palabas.

Na sa tuwing nanaisin kong ibalot sayo ang aking bisig, pilit mo itong inaaklas.

Sana ay malaman mong ilang beses muna akong nalunod sa mga paano at sa mga dapat, bago umabot sa punto at realisasyong dito na nagtatapos ang istoryang para sa ating dalawa'y isinulat.

Ang plano ko lang naman ay ang mahalin at alagaan ka.

Hindi ko naman inakala na darating ang isang umagang kailangan ko na palang umalis at hayaan kang maglakbay mag-isa.

Mahal, hindi ko ginusto ang iwanan ka at hayaang mag-isang salubungin ang panibagong bukas.

Sadyang may mga bagay lang na nararapat mahalin ng walang anumang katumbas.

Ang sarili.

[matalikha]

Kapag sinabi mong pag ibig Hahayaan kang mamili hahayaan kang lumipad Hindi ka ikukulong sa pagma mahal na siya lang ang may alam ng dapat

Hindi naghahanap ng kamalian Hindi umaasa nang kasukat na pagmamahal na naialay At kapag sinabing pag ibig, 

ang ibig kong sabihin ay palaging nangingibabaw ang pagpili sa lahat nang pagkamuhi Palagi kang pipiliin sa bawat baka-sakali At kakapit sa pangako sa dilim ng bawat pighati

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Silang mga pahingahan ang tunay na matapang Kaya ka nilang ipaglaban kahit sila’y masaktan Iwan ka man ng mundo, paglaruan ka man ng kahit na sino Handa silang tanggapin ka ng buong puso

Sila ang pansamantala na kaya kang bigyang saya Nagdudulot ng dahilan bukod sa kanya Na parang taga puwang ng mga nilalang na hindi ka gustong panghawakan

Kaya ka nilang pangitiin kahit sa gitna ng iyong hikbi kaya nilang magbigay ng liwanag at handa kang samahan sa pag layag

Salamat sa pansamantala na handang maging saglit kahit na paulit ulit; tatanggapin nila ang sakit  basta ikaw ang kapalit

At kapag iwan ka man niyang muli, isang hakbang lang siya pabalik

Sana ikaw na lang siya Hindi yung binabalik balikan  dahil laging tanggap nila ang masaktan

"Sana sila ang nakalaan."

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Nagsusulat ako para ikuwento ang kahapon at ngayon

hindi ka man kasama sa lahat ng 'yon malay mo ikaw ang bawat salita dun

Hahabi akong tula, ilalahad ang likha ng isip ko sisipiin ang laman ng puso hindi para malaman mo, pero para mabatid mo na kaya ko nang mag kwento

sa wakas matapang na akong ngingiti walang halong pagkukunwari kaya ko pala kahit hindi ako pinili Salamat sa pagpapaubaya ng oras Tunay ngang ito ang lunas sa lahat ng sakit na aking dinanas

'Wag kang mag alala marami akong natutunan sa pangako na wala na sa iyong kahulugan at sa alaala mong wala ng kabuluhan

Tapos na ang ilusyong ako pa rin ito na ang huli bulong ko sa sarili

Basta ang alam ko, kailangan magtuloy ang pag-ikot ng mundo nang hindi na para sa'yo o tungkol sayo

Para na ito sa susunod na magma may-ari ng puso ko