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mattsaq · 1 year ago

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im speechless

you’re gonna go far - m.s

a/n: not exactly angst, not exactly fluff but always a happy ending. inspired by noah kahan’s you’re gonna go far.

june 7, 2022

the only time i got to praying for a red light.

you look over at your soon to be ex boyfriend. hoping that the light in front of you will turn red, and you’ll have just a few more minutes with him. you glanced up to see the light shift from yellow to red. you felt the car slow down. thank god you thought to yourself. matt grabbed your hand from the driver's seat and lifted it up to his mouth, placing a gentle kiss. you wanted to smile but your body wouldn’t allow it. you both knew where this night was leading.

matt has been your boyfriend for three years. you met him halfway through your sophomore year of college. you were instantly enamored with him. you fell for him first but he fell harder. the second matt asked you out, you were inseparable. there was no doubt after the first date that there would be another. prom, senior beach day, graduation, all of the most important events in your life had been spent with him. he was your bestfriend and soon, he’d be gone.

matt had been doing youtube for a little over a year and a half. him and his brothers had started blowing up and their popularity was skyrocketing. he had a manager now, he was taking frequent lengthy trips to LA, and now, him and his brothers were about to make the move out there full time to become better creators. the two of you had already had the talk about it. when he first told you, you cried in his arms for hours. he held you tight and told you nothing had to change. he didn’t mean to lie, but deep down he knew it would be impossible to be in a healthy relationship from across the country. you were in college and his visits back home would unpredictable.

the light turned green and the car began to move again. a wave of sadness hit you like a brick. suddenly, before you even knew it, matt had pulled into the driveway of your home. this would be the last time you would see him or talk to him for god knows how long. you both had agreed that going no contact was going to be for the best. if you remained in touch with one another, it would be impossible to carry on with life. his focus with his work would be thrown off and you would never be able to focus on school. matt put the car in park and spoke the first words of the entire drive home. his voice was scratchy and you knew he wanted to cry.

“this is so hard.”

it makes me smile to know when things get hard, ooh-ooh, you'll be far.

“i know matt, it’s hard for me too. i wish you didn’t have to go.” you both knew he had to go. if he was going to be successful like he wanted, he had to go, there were more opportunities there for him. you stared at each other for a while until you had the courage to speak more. “it sounds crazy to say but it comforts me to know you’ll be across the country chasing your dreams, rather than just leaving me for no reason.”

“i could never just leave you. i don’t want to leave you know.” his voice cracked and he turned his head to try and avoid you seeing the tears fall from his eyes. you could still see his eyes water through the reflection of the car window. you extended your arm out to gently squeeze his shoulder.

“matt please, i don’t want to regret the last few minutes we have together. as soon as i get out of this car, i am going to cry uncontrollably but right now, i just want to be with you, say goodbye, the right way.” you were trying to be strong. you didn’t want to cry in front of him. you knew if you did he might change his plans. cancel his flight and never follow his dreams.

“you’re right, i’m sorry.” he turned around to face you and put on his best fake smile. “i’m going to miss you.” his hands were now placed on yours. he used his thumbs to rub circles on your palms. the silent tension had taken over the car.

say whatever you feel, be wherever you are

“matt, no matter where you go, you are always going to be the love of my life. no matter what happens here, right now, you are my person.”

“i have so many feelings right now. i’m excited to start a new thing in LA, but i feel guilty for being excited because-” you interrupted him and squeezed his hands tightly.

“do not feel guilty matthew. you deserve this. you deserve happiness. i would never forgive myself if you stayed for me.”

matt allowed himself to give you a half smile. you wanted to beg him to stay. your heart wanted to tell him you’d follow him there. transfer schools, leave your parents behind. your mind let you be logical, he had to go, you couldn’t keep him here it would be unfair.

“i don’t want you to be mad at me. i don’t want you to hate me. i don’t want you to regret the three years you spent with me.” his voice was unstable. you knew this had to end soon.

we ain't angry at you, love - you're the greatest thing we've lost

“i could never hate you matt. i will never regret being with you. i am not angry with you. you are the best thing to ever happen to me. this is one of the greatest losses i will ever face in my life.”

“i can’t go.”

“you have to matt. this is your dream. this is the one thing you have to do for yourself. you’re going to make a difference out there.”

“i can’t believe this happening. i can’t believe we’re breaking up and you’re sitting here telling me you’re proud of me. being encouraging. you are the most perfect person in the world and i’m giving that up.”

we'll be waiting for you, love.

“you’re not giving it up. i’ll be here. you said it wouldn’t be forever. just enough to get your footing. long enough to be stable in your career. i’ll be waiting for you.” your own words made you choke up. the words were true, the both of you agreed that it would be okay to move on, but you also agreed that if the time came and you were still in love with him, you guys would be together again.

whether or not you finished college first, or he moved back home first. you were going to wait for him. all you could do was hope that matt was going to still be in love with you when that time came.

“what if i’m never able to leave? what if chris and nick never want to come home?” you could tell he thought this was a real possibly.

“if that happens, when i graduate i’ll move out there with you. by then you’ll be rich and i won’t need to work.” you smiled at him and allowed yourself to laugh a little. he returned a soft smile back at you and you pulled him in for an embrace.

“you mean it?” his tone had changed. he sounded almost content. he was hopeful.

“of course i mean it.” his embrace around you tightened. you sat there for a moment enjoying it all. you took in one last whiff of his cologne.

if you wanna go far - then you gotta go far

“we’ll see each other again.” his words were powerful. they had a tone of finality, essentially ending your time together. you unbuckled your belt and took one last good look at him. you leaned in for one more kiss. the last one you would share for an indefinite amount of time. as he kissed you, you felt a tear fall from your eye. you started to exit the car but turned around to say one last thing to him.

“matt, just remember, you have to go far to get far. i love you.” he nodded at you, it was all he could do to acknowledge your words without breaking down into tears. you knew that and you took no offense, you knew he loved you back. you stood in your driveway as you watched him back out and waved goodbye as he drove away. as soon as his car was out of sight, you broke down in your driveway. you already missed him. the best hellos, were always the hardest goodbyes.

july 15, 2022 - matt’s journal

i haven’t been doing well this first month here. i’m going to start writing again to try and make myself feel better. i’ve wanted to call her so many times. chris and nick have been nice to me, but i can tell they feel like they’re walking on eggshells, afraid i’ll breakdown at any minute, and i might. if i do, it will be today. it’s her birthday. i wonder what she’s doing to celebrate it. we spent the last 3 together. i always made i special.

she told me i could move on but i knew i would never move on from her. i would just be waiting. waiting to move back home, waiting for her to graduate, waiting to be with her again. i knew she would wait for me.

i cried for a week straight after i left boston. the first week here, chris and nick had to make constant excuses for why i was missing stuff. i was supposed to be here for work and i was fucking it up. after a week, it still hurt but i forced myself out of bed to work. i gto through it by thinking about what she said. “you have to go far to get far. i love you.” the last words i heard from her. she believed in me and i wasn’t going to disappoint her.

august 28, 2022 - matt’s journal

it’s been awhile since i wrote in here, over a month. i still miss her. i wish i never left boston. i’ve been working hard though. we’re almost at 3 million subscribers. life is crazy lately. we’re making lots of friends. girls are interested in me, but i’m not interested in them. i never know how to explain to them that i’m single, but not interested in dating because i’m saving myself for my ex girlfriend who lives back home and might have forgotten about me.

she didn’t forget about me. or at least that’s what i tell myself so i can fall asleep at night. her classes must have started up again by now. she always hated the first week of school. there was so much change. she hated change. she changed my life.

october 31, 2022 - matt’s journal

it’s halloween. i’m not dressing up. i looked back at some old pictures today. last year she forced me to dress up as mario so she could be princess peach. i secretly loved it. we’re going to a party tonight. soon actually so this is going to be short. i’ll write again soon.

january 1, 2023 - matt’s journal

i haven’t written in a while. we went home for thanksgiving, then christmas and we spent new years here. i was doing okay for a while until i realized this was the first year i hadn’t kissed her on new year’s in 3 years. we were in the same town and i couldn’t even see her. i wanted to drive to her house and hold her. nick and chris are trying to keep me occupied but my mind is wondering. i miss her. maybe when we get back to LA i’ll feel better again

may 5, 2023

you walked out of your last final of the spring semester. it was time to go home for the summer. you were walking with your friend back to your car. you promised her a ride home. your college was only twenty minutes away from your house and your friend had recently started a lease on an apartment in your town. you put in the directions and noticed it was going to take you directly past matt’s house. you couldn’t back out now.

after dropping your friend off, you drove back down matt’s street. this time you parked on the street and just sat out front. staring at the porch matt used to chase you up after school. you would run in his house giggling and saying hi to his parents as you ran past them in the living room up to his room. you were staring intensely when you saw his mom walk out the front door. you made direct eye contact with her. you panicked and drove away. you didn’t even wave. all you could do is hope she wouldn’t bring it up.

may 7, 2023 - matt’s journal

i haven’t felt the need to write in a while. i’m finally starting to have fun out here. our podcast will be out soon. i thought i was doing better. my mom texted me and told me she saw her. she was outside of the house. i wondered what she was doing but it gave me comfort to know that whatever she was doing she was thinking of me.

there was a girl for a couple weeks. we only talked. i couldn’t get myself to do anything else with her. she broke it off because i’m “emotionally unavailable” i can’t say i blame her. i only want one girl. i think we’re going to be in LA for a lot longer than i thought. last year around this time, i was taking her out to celebrate finishing her first year of college. i bet she remembered that night.

august 6, 2023

you had just finished your final paper for the summer semester. you took 4 classes during the summer. you were trying to max out your course load so you could graduate early. you hated school now that matt was gone. he made school so much better. you knew that when he was around you could always go to him after a bad day. you closed up your computer and went downstairs to find your parents in the living room.

“matt’s back home. i saw him at the grocery store today.” your mom knew about everything, it was no secret that you and matt only broke up because you had to. this was her way of warning you so you could be careful not to run into him but secretly you wanted to.

his birthday had just passed. this was the second of his birthdays that you had missed. he’s been gone for over a year. wow the time is flying.

november 24, 2023 - matt’s journal

it’s thanksgiving. i’m writing this in my old bedroom. i remembered to pack the journal this time. the last time i was home i saw her mom. we didn’t speak just exchanged polite nods. in the past 6 months i’ve done a lot. we’re really in a good place right now. our manager thinks we’re going to hit 6 million subscribers in the next few months. i’ve talked to nick and chris about going back home permanently but nothing can happen now with the podcast still going. they said we’d talk more after it was over.

november 30, 2023 - matt’s journal

our flight back to LA is tonight. i’ve walked and driven around this city trying to run into her. maybe even just catch a glimpse. i feel myself getting sad again. i don’t wanna go back again.

december 15th, 2023

you placed your bag down in your academic advisor’s office. you had been called here for an urgent meeting. as the woman walked in she spoke loudly, making you jolt.

“good news or bad news first?” she said down directly across from you.

“uhh bad news.” you had an idea what she was going to say. you had a feeling she was going to tell you that all of the winter and summer classes hadn’t paid off and you weren’t going to be graduating early.

“well, unfortunately you’re one class short from graduating.” your heart dropped. you worked so hard for nothing. you had already booked a flight to LA the day after graduation to surprise matt. finally be with him again. you felt so sick you could throw up.

“are you ready for the good news?” all you could do was nod. “the one class you need is available online. so as long as you take it in the spring, you’ll get to walk in may. you’ll still be graduating a year early. you should be proud of yourself.” her smile was from ear to ear and you thanked her profusely.

you ran out of the office and drove home like a maniac. you ran inside and immediately into the kitchen to see your mom.

“i’m going to LA! i need one class but it’s online i can do it from LA! i can come back in may to graduate!” you were practically jumping for joy. your mom knew how much this meant to you. little did you know she had already called marylou to tell her the news.

“i’m so happy for you sweetheart. now don’t be mad but i did talk to marylou and-“

“what?” your initial reaction was shock and anger.

“hold on, don’t get worked up. let me explain.” you nodded your head and let her continue. “her, jimmy, and justin are on the same flight as you, apparently they’re going to LA for christmas this year. she said you should ride with them to the airport. she thought it’d be easier to catch him by surprise if you showed up with his family.”

you had never been more grateful for you mom than in this moment. your life didn’t feel real. you ran upstairs to pack all of the belongings you could fit into a suitcase. your few was growing that maybe you had waited for matt but he hadn’t waited for you.

december 16, 2023 - matt’s journal

our parents and older brother are coming to town tomorrow. it’s almost christmas. the first one in LA. nick and chris thought it’d be better if we stayed here, avoid the pain of going home. i wanted nothing more than to ask my mom she had seen her again. i wondered if she still thought about me.

my mom insisted that we stay home and they would uber from the airport. she said she had a surprise that would be ruined if i picked them up. it was going to be a long night and day of waiting until they got here.

we’re overdue for a revival - we spent so long just getting by.

december 17, 2023

you had just arrived at the airport with matt’s parents and brother. it was only noon, giving you an estimated arrival time of 4:32 in LA. you didn’t think marylou would let you go all this way to make a fool of yourself. matt must have waited. he must be waiting for you and you hoped this surprise hadn’t been ruined.

you checked the time on your phone in the uber. 5:15. according to marylou, you were almost there. she had apparently forced justin to text nick and tell him to make sure matt waited in the living room. she was looking forward to this surprise more than you were. the uber parked out front and you all piled out of the car. grabbing your bags and heading towards the front door. when jimmy knocked, nick opened it immediately. his eyes met mine and his jaw dropped. marylou held up a finger to shush him and he did a silent little happy dance. he lead you all up the stairs and you were at the back of the line.

“hi! was the uber okay?” god his voice. his soft voice echoed. you hadn’t heard it in so long. this almost didn’t feel real. as they chatted you were on the stairway out of matt’s view. nick was just smiling at you waiting for someone to announce the surprise.

“alright matty, we brought you a little something.” marylou spoke to him sweetly. “close your eyes.” you heard matt laugh a little. he must have closed them because nick was motioning for you to come to him.

“what’s all that ruckus?” matt asked as nick was placing you in front of matt.

“open!” nick shouted.

matt opened his eyes quickly and you watched his eyes adjust to the light. suddenly they focused on you. he didn’t believe it was real.

“hi.” you cooed as you smiled at him. you opened your arms and he ran into them. you could hear the applause from his family as well as them filling chris in as he walked into the room.

“i missed you.” he said then squeezed you tightly and picked you up off of the ground and spinning you around.

you wanted to cry tears of happiness. it’s like you guys were never apart. “what are you doing here?” he asked, placing you back on your feet.

“i spent the summers and the winter taking classes. i got all these extra credits to graduate early. i’m one class short but i can take it online then graduate in may. i didn’t wanna take it online at home, i want to be here with you i couldn’t wait any longer.”

“you knew about this?” he asked gesturing towards his family.

“not until recently. we found out we were on the same flight and went from there.”

“doesn’t matter. you’re here now. i’m never letting you leave.” he pulled you back into his arms and kissed your head gently. everything was back to normal. he was doing good with youtube, you were going to graduate, you got to be with him again. he was your person. you will never spend time apart again.

february 16, 2024 - matt’s journal

we hit six million subscribers today. we’re back home in boston for this full circle moment. the same people that were with us when we hit 1000 were here to see us hit six million. as we watched the subscriber count grow, i looked at her and all i felt was love. she was perfect. she encouraged me to go after my dream and here we are.

i had the love of my life back and the last two months with her were incredible. i showerd her around LA, got her whatever she needed that she couldn’t fit in a suitcase, and introduced her to everyone i knew. this was a good life. in boston or LA, i know she’ll be with me forever. if you don’t hear from me again, it means we’re in a good place and i’m happy. thanks for all the help.

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