mattsd0llfac3

[mattsd0llfac3]

guys idk whats happening to me.. I suddenly feel like writing SO MUCH STUFF.

THREE CHAPTERS WRITTEN?? TWO ALREADY POSTED?? FINALLY WORKING ON THAT FRATBOY CHRIS AU??

[mattsd0llfac3]

Chapter 2 - Hallow prayers

Jaxon was still gone. Two weeks now. No texts. No calls. No stupid inside jokes scribbled on the edge of Noah’s notebook during third period.

The town barely noticed. His parents said Jaxon was "visiting family upstate." The youth pastor said "sometimes we all need space for reflection." Noah knew better.

Every night, he lay awake, staring at his bedroom ceiling like the cracks in the plaster held some kind of answer. They didn’t. What they held was silence. The kind that filled your throat until you couldn’t breathe.

The note was still folded in his nightstand drawer. "I love you. I’m sorry." Noah read it until the ink blurred from his tears. Then he folded it back up, like if he kept it small enough, tight enough, the guilt wouldn’t leak out through his skin. But it did. Constantly.

He stopped going to youth group. Stopped going to school half the time. Started skipping dinner, lying awake all night and showing up the next day with hollow eyes and shaking hands.

People started to notice him, but for all the wrong reasons.

"You look pale, honey. Are you sleeping enough?"

"Stress can do crazy things to a person, you know."

"Pray on it. God will help you through your confusion."

Confusion.

As if Noah didn’t know exactly what he felt. As if it wasn’t written in every breathless second they’d shared in the back of Jaxon’s truck.

One night, after too many hours staring at Jaxon’s old texts, Noah grabbed his bike and pedaled through town, wind burning his face.He ended up outside the church. Midnight. Empty.

The big wooden doors creaked when he pushed inside, like even the building knew he didn’t belong there anymore.

He sank down at the altar steps. And for the first time in weeks… he prayed. But it wasn’t the kind of prayer they’d taught him. Not structured. Not obedient. Not full of hope. This one came out cracked. Bitter. Angry. "Are you happy now?" Noah whispered, voice raw. "Did I pass the test? Is this what You wanted?" His chest heaved.

Hands balled into fists against the cold marble floor. "I hate You for making me love him. I hate You for making him leave. I hate myself for letting it happen. For wanting it."

Silence.

No voice from heaven. No flash of redemption. Just the dim flicker of the sanctuary light and the echo of his own shaking breath.

Finally, after silence so loud you could cut it with a knife, spoke again.

"Why did you make me like this."

Noah pressed his forehead to the floor, finally letting the tears come—silent, violent, uncontrollable.

For Jaxon.

For himself.

For all the things they would never get to be.

And still... no answer.

When he finally dragged himself home around 2 a.m., he checked his phone for the hundredth time. Nothing.

Except—One new voicemail. Unknown number. With shaking fingers, Noah pressed play.

At first... just breathing. Heavy. Muffled. Like someone fighting tears on the other end.

Then Jaxon’s voice. Quiet. Wrecked. "I shouldn’t be calling. I just… I miss you so bad it feels like I can’t breathe sometimes. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I… I’m sorry. For all of it."

A click.

Silence again.

Noah collapsed onto his bed, phone clutched to his chest like it was the only thing keeping him alive.

And for the first time, he didn’t know if the ache in his heart was hope...Or just another form of punishment.

bro I was practically SOBBING while writing this. Chapter 3 already finished.. might wait until tomorrow to put it up though.. to keep you on your toes. ( @overflowingteacupoflove don't kill me )

©mattsd0llfac3

Dividers: @enchanthings-a

[mattsd0llfac3]

Beneath Stained Glass - angst

pairings: oc!jaxon x oc!noah

The church bells echoed through the small town like they always had. Steady. Unforgiving. Like a warning.

Noah sat in the pew, fingers threaded tightly together, knuckles white. The sermon blurred into static. His eyes didn’t leave the side profile of the boy two rows ahead—Jaxon.

Jaxon. With that messy strawberry blonde hair that always looked a little out of place in a town that demanded perfection. Freckles dusted across skin too pale for the blazing southern sun. Tall. Broad-shouldered. Untouchable. But not to Noah. Not anymore.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It couldn’t be like this. They had grown up together. Sunday school. Wednesday youth group. Mission trips. Every verse, every prayer, every whispered warning of hellfire and shame had been burned into them from the moment they could speak.

"You can pray it away."

"It’s just a temptation. A test."

"God makes no mistakes."

Then why did it feel like this—like Jaxon’s smile could set his entire soul on fire—if it was something so wrong?

It happened one night. The worst mistake they could make. The best mistake they ever made. The air was heavy, summer-thick. They were sitting in the back of Jaxon’s old pickup truck, watching stars blink into the velvet sky. Silence stretched, like it always did when the words got too close to being real. Noah’s heart thudded so loud he was scared Jaxon could hear it. "

Do you ever think…" Jaxon’s voice cracked, breaking like glass mid-sentence. He didn’t finish. He didn’t have to. Noah turned to him, and Jaxon was already looking—too close, too much. Hazel eyes glassy, mouth parted, breathing like the world might collapse if he exhaled wrong.

Noah kissed him.

Or maybe Jaxon kissed him. He couldn’t remember who started it. Just that it felt like everything. Like drowning and breathing at the same time. And then—after—the guilt rushed in so violently it nearly knocked them both over.

Jaxon shoved away first. Hands trembling. "No… no, no, no. Noah, what did we just…?" Noah couldn’t speak. Couldn’t breathe. His chest burned. Jaxon scrambled out of the truck, pacing, running hands through his hair like if he tore it out, maybe the sin would come with it. "This isn't—this can't be—we can't be this." "But we are," Noah finally whispered. Voice broken. "We always have been." Jaxon turned. Tears shimmered unshed in his eyes.

"You know what they'll do to us. What they'll say." "I don’t care." Noah’s voice shook. "I don’t care, Jax. I care about you." But Jaxon was already shaking his head. "I can’t. I can’t." His fists clenched. "God won’t forgive this." Noah stepped forward, desperate, fingers reaching—but Jaxon flinched away like he was something poisonous. "Don’t. Don’t make this harder."

Silence. Just the cicadas screaming into the night like they were mourning something neither boy could name.

The next day, Jaxon was gone. His house sat hollow, curtains drawn, like the family knew—like they could smell the sin on the walls. Noah found the note stuffed in the crack of his locker at school. A single line, written in Jaxon’s rushed, messy scrawl: "I love you. I’m sorry."

Nothing else.

Noah crumpled it in his fist. He couldn’t cry. Not here. Not where anyone could see. He could only swallow it. Choke on it. Like he always had. The town didn’t speak of it. They never did. Just whispered behind hymn books and smiled too tight on Sunday mornings.

"Boys will be boys."

"He just needed a change of scenery."

"He'll find the right girl someday."

But Noah knew. Knew the truth that haunted the spaces between pews and echoed in the hollow ache of his chest. He would never forget the way Jaxon looked at him that night. Like love. Like heartbreak. Like goodbye.

And maybe that was all they were ever allowed to be. A sin whispered beneath stained glass. A love that never got to live.

But that wasn't the end. It couldn't be.

©mattsd0llfac3

Um so first series! Do we love or no..

Dividers: @enchanthings-a

[mattsd0llfac3]

new series starting.. today.

mlm!oc x mlm!oc

contains: mlm. angst. angst. and, oh look at that, even more angst. light cursing. religious trauma / regret.

warning: bring tissues there's a 95% you will tear up.

Dividers: @enchanthings-a

©mattsd0llfac3

[mattsd0llfac3]

dont mind crazy things you see going in on my acc, im going THROUGH it rn.

[mattsd0llfac3]

"you can't be that forgetful"

Im halfway through redoing my theme and I remember this wasn't what I wanted to do 🧍🏻‍♀️

[mattsd0llfac3]

◦˚~ BUNCH OF LIGHT GREY/WHITE DIVIDERS by enchanthings ~˚◦

white dividers:

Requested by: anonymous Info: these were all made & edited by me. please reblog/like if using!

[mattsd0llfac3]

I wish I could change colors like a salamander

tbh same.

[mattsd0llfac3]

matt with a beard. matt in the pink hersheys shirt. matt in all black. matt with a backwards hat. matt with his keys in his belt loop. matt in the grey zip up taking a mirror pic with the canon digital camera. matt in prada. matt driving. matt’s newest license photo. matt holding a bunny. matt’s rings. matt wearing that stupid sexy sliver chain. matt in my bed underneath me while i ride him.

[mattsd0llfac3]

guys what's like a vibe I give off just based on what you can tell about me. like a certain time period? Or smth like that? 😔

OR EVEN BETTER, whats a character vibe I give off 🤑

[mattsd0llfac3]

okay i need to write i need to… 🌀🌀🌀😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

[mattsd0llfac3]

Guys I cant tell if this theme is me or not..

I have one in mind but idk..

[mattsd0llfac3]

i go from reading cute Matt fluff, to scrolling down one and absolutely ASCENDING

[mattsd0llfac3]

can tumblr PLEASE add a bookmark/favorites feature!?!??!?? i have go scroll DEEEP into my tumblr likes until i find an ancient fic i was looking for!!! like i swear i turn 80 by the time i find what i was looking for in my likes i need easy access to my favorite sheet gripping toe curling smuts!!!

[mattsd0llfac3]

i want to write fluff and smut, but I fear I'm made to write soul crushing angst..

[mattsd0llfac3]

lamelo ball is so hot

[mattsd0llfac3]

foaming at the mouth for this au

kansas anymore

──★ " ɪ ᴀᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ꜱᴀᴠɪᴏᴜʀ , ɪ'ᴍ ʜᴀʀᴅʟʏ ᴀ ᴍᴀɴ "

˚‧｡⋆part two‧₊ ᵎᵎ

a love triangle AU inspired by ROLE MODEL'S "Kansas Anymore" album.

1.5k words

𝗇𝖺𝗏𝗂𝗀𝖺𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 || 𝖺𝗎 𝗆𝖺𝗌𝗍𝖾𝗋𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗍 || <- 𝗉𝗋𝖾𝗏𝗂𝗈𝗎𝗌 || 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 ->

matt being considered pissed off was an understatement. chris had been exhausted of his bullshit since he slammed the car door shut and here they were half an hour down the road, the same points getting drilled into chris' mind. matt was relentless.

"you need to be an adult, chris."

"yeah because yelling is mature."

"you can't just fuck off for the whole night! you-"

"we both know that's not why you're pissy with me, matt." chris interrupted.

he'd held off bringing you up, figuring he would just get more angry. yeah he's used to matt just being mad at him, but chris had enjoyed his night. he didn't need it ruined. but matt wasn't angry after that. the spark of adrenaline in his eyes from yelling faded out completely. it's as if all life drained from his body in that second. he didn't say another word the rest of the journey home.

જ⁀➴

what was a reasonable reaction? the girl representative of matts biggest regret was not only in the same room as him, but you was going to be for the next four nights. that wasn't even the worst part.

chris got to you first. he got to apologise, he got to comfort you, he got to talk to you. he literally got to lay eyes on you first, not to mention he got to fucking hold you in his arms. how was that fair at all? matt had only broken up with you in the first place because nick suggested it and chris kept pestering matt about whether he was going to go through with it - he felt like he had to. and the only one suffering the consequences of that decision was matt. he'd blamed himself all these years but after tonight, he decided to blame his brothers.

જ⁀➴

you initially regretted letting your guard down as much you had. nonetheless, you'd actually managed to enjoy yourself.

you and chris didn't bother to acknowledge your responsibilities in having to greet the other members at the dinner. it was like it was so unimportant it didn't even cross either of your minds that what you were doing was in some way wrong. it was refreshing to be someone's priority, even if it was just for one night.

matt and nick had seen you on the bench in the alley. you hadn't seen them. you were too frozen in fear recognising matt's voice to peer away from your gaze on chris. matt had only called out to him, chris' response was limited to telling him he'd be there in a second before saying his goodbyes to you.

the next event was approaching much to fast for comfort. consecutive nights was definitely a bad decision by the organisers but you had no choice. the night had begun restless, spiralling thoughts about how you mightve come across whether too desperate or lonely or maybe just not like the friend chris remembered in high regard. you'd managed to fall asleep but not until it was practically morning.

thank god it was a party. you'd slept in very late and only had enough time to get ready for it and leave. it didn't help your anxiety about the night at all.

would you have to face matt? you'd much rather spend the night hanging around chris but the likelihood of separating him from his brothers again didn't seem likely.

it felt almost pathetic to be paranoid about your appearance as much as you were. why would it matter what chris thought? or the guy you met on the first night - wyatt? you were half convinced he was gay, not to mention he probably wasn't keen enough on you after you ditched him the day before to try and seek you out tonight. and matt? preferably you'd never be close enough for him to make a judgement on your appearance. regardless, you tried your best to make sure you looked perfect.

you passed through the blocky doors of the club, the music thumping into your ears. you gathered your composure and kept persisting through the crowd. people were drunk but not too drink - this was still for work. all you'd been instructed to do was to make various tiktoks and take various photo shoots to advertise the brand nights events you were all doing. it took little effort but it still took some sobriety to complete accurately.

it was a little early into the event - you watched over people taking excessive photos to get the job done ahead of time. it was smart in theory but it just meant this was the calmest that it would be at the club for the whole night. you really wanted to just get it over with.

you felt the press of a hand on the small of your back, turning around to meet chris' gaze. he had a wide genuine grin on his face, calling out your name over the music while you couldn't help but reciprocate his smile. he pulled you in for a close hug.

"I didn't see you around for ages, when did you get here?" he loosened his arms around you and rested his hands on your waist in instinct. it was felt too natural and comfortable for you to notice the action's abnormality in the moment.

"I just got here! you're lucky I'm here at all I almost slept in!" you yell over the crowd.

"slept in? it's fucking ten thirty!"

your smile immediately dropped at your recognition of the figure heading towards you both. you noticed his grown features, nothing like the baby faced boy from your memory. you also noticed the two drinks in his grasp - who was it for? did he have a girlfriend? would it be better if he'd moved on as if you had no chance at all for some kind of closure or did you want him to yearn endlessly and regret what he did to you? obviously the latter.

"thanks" chris took the second beverage from his brother, taking a sip as he scanned the locked gaze between you and matt.

of course it was for chris. you didn't even deserve to be so paranoid about it.

you have to read matts lips to hear his 'hi' over the noise of the busy room. your throat is far too closed from anxiety to respond so you merely offer him a nod of your head and a tight lipped smile.

matts eyes dart towards chris' left hand that still had a grip on your waist. chris only pulled you closer to his side. chris sipped at his drinking, staring matt down.

what the fuck was happening?

your attention is again diverted by the call of your name from behind you. why the fuck do you keep getting ambushed?

you were pleasantly surprised to be met by wyatt, you didn't expect him to want to see at all. he practically pulled you away from chris to go introduce you to his own friends, the tension of having to face matt was thankfully forgotten.

"what the fuck is your problem?" chris scoffed at matt and headed towards nick in the corner of the room with a couple of his girl friends.

"my problem? what the fuck was that!" matt yelled heading after him.

"what are you even talking about kid." he asked rhetorically, sipping his drink as he walked.

matt had to grab the collar of his shirt to stop him from walking further. chris jolted back and almost choked on the drink, then smacked matts hand away in frustration. "are you trying to kill me?!"

"you like her!"

chris' heart dropped at the suggestion. not because it was false - it clearly wasnt. but because it had never been addressed out loud before. chris had never told anyone.

"it's been a day chris and you're tryna make a move on her! I havnt even spoken to her yet!"

the overlapping voices of music and yelling made the entire conversation practically mute to anyone nearby.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" matt spat out.

matt didn't know what he was addressing. it wasn't some evil scheme he'd caught onto early. it was five years since last properly addressed and in truth was way older than that. chris felt like matt was practically an idiot for not realising - everyone was. only know could he see it due to knowing the fragility of his bond with you that matt had to analyse it more closely. five years ago he didn't bother. he didn't care enough in the way that chris did.

but chris did feel some guilt.

it was his own brothers ex. the girl he'd obviously never got over and never saw positive in his decision in leaving her. there was also no chance you felt what chris did. it had only festered in him, grew deeper and harder to cut back only to be greeted with the perfect sight of you at a time matt wasnt a significant obstacle. he got so caught up with his own fantasies he was too love blind to remember what was reality - it had only been a day.

so what was he gonna do about it?

a/n yall I had way more planned for this chapter but it was more words than I thought it was gonna be sooo yep let me know what you think !