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mattstrnsgf · 24 days ago

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⊹. ݁ to all the boys i’ve loved before ݁.⊹

chapter seven.

⤷𝜗𝜚˚⋆ summary: after the breakup with you and chris, things only seem to go downhill that winter break. videos that shouldn’t be taken are spread throughout the school, so what happens when you get back to school?

⤷𝜗𝜚˚⋆ warnings: angst, cursing, brief mentions of death, greif, and sex, idkkk…

⤷𝜗𝜚˚⋆ table of contents: intro. one. 1.5. two. three. four. five. six.

there it was. the phone illuminating your face was showing you and chris from another perspective, your lips locked and arms around each other in the hot tub on the ski trip, followed up by a text message that says:

‘y/n!! is this you??’

oh fuck no. your feel your blood curdle and your face go pale. your first actual kiss, documented in a ridiculing way without your knowledge. it looks like the two of you went further due to how chris had his hands on you, and the way it was recorded, but you didn’t. you know you didn’t go further with him. if anything, he probably went further with gen ten minutes after that.

even though something potentially threatening to your sisterly bond just happened, you make a beeline for margot’s room. she’s older, she’s more mature, and she knows what to do. margot always knows what to do.

you stand in the doorway, a petrified look on your face. she looks up at you as she unpacks some of her stuff, and you let out a soft whine.

“i’m busy.”

“margot, please. i need help.” you beg desperately.

you sit down in your room to show her the video and explain everything. you tell her nothing happened, and your suspicions on who took the video. gen. gen took it, obviously. after analyzing the video and letting it replay multiple times, margot sighs.

“well, you’re completely covered up, we can only see your back. if you had been tagged in this, it could’ve been anyone. it’s worse for chris than it is for you.” she explains, and you let out another whine and lay back, holding a pillow.

“it’s never worse for guys… fuck, how could i let this happen? i’m so stupid!” you exclaim, letting your head fall back against your headboard. you had no control over this, and no say. if you left a comment saying to take it down, they wouldn’t listen. gen, she wouldn’t listen. gen was for sure the one who posted the video. the perspective? the slight snicker in the background that could only be caught with the volume up high or headphones in? it was evil. it was gen. your throat and chest ached and felt heavy, this was all because of your stupid kiss with stupid chris.

“hey, girl, we’re gonna fix this. gimme the pillow, c’mon.” margot calmly says, taking the pillow and pulling you back up so you’re closer to her.

“i know you’re only being nice to me because i accidentally made a sex tape and you feel bad…” you sulk, and she sighs and shakes her head.

“i do feel bad for you, but also i don’t understand why you never told me this was happening in the first place.”

“i thought you’d hate me!”

“i could never hate you, you’re my sister. but when i heard what peter said, i thought you were trying to like, get with josh or something.”

“how could you think that? i’d never do that.. you’re my sister.”

“you wouldn’t even facetime me. what was i supposed to think?”

it goes quiet, and you feel tears well up and sting in your eyes. “i just, i…” you trial off, trying to find words. “i was lying to everyone in my life, and i knew i couldn’t lie to you…”

“i thought you didn’t need me anymore..” margot lets out a sigh, and her hand comfortingly makes its way to your back, almost making you forget that you’re broken up with chris.

“are you serious? look what happened when you’re not here! i accidentally made a sex tape, and im still a virgin.” you huff out a laugh, lightening the mood. margot laughs softly and then shakes her head.

“come here…” she mumbles, wrapping her arms around you. you quickly reciprocated the hug, a hug was really what you needed right now. badly. due to the guilty feeling from the video and the dread of breaking up with chris, you were hurting. even if chris and you weren’t a real relationship, it was clear he felt some type of way towards you.

you look up from over margot’s shoulder, and that’s when you see kitty standing in the doorway. you sigh and roll your eyes.

“how long have you been there?”

“not long…” she trails off and then sighs. “long.”

“okay, let’s make a pact. no more secrets between us.” margot says, and you nod in agreement. secrets is what started this whole mess. kitty looks up guiltily and sighs before she starts talking again.

“i have a secret…” her words die out as she stares at you and margot’s inquisitive eyes. “i sent the letters.”

those words make you go rigid. kitty? kitty sent out your most prized possessions. for what reason? your face drops and you stare at her dead in the eyes.

“i’m gonna kill you.”

“no, y/n she’s just a kid—“ margot says, and you leap forward and chase after kitty around your room as she scrambles to find a good explanation. you pick up a toy lightsaber from your childhood and chase her around the room.

“you were so lonely and i could tell chris liked you! i thought you would never do anything about it and—“ she hides behind a chair, and you wrap your fingers around the back and lift it up, and she quickly gets up and runs over the bed into the closet.

“so you sent five letters?”

“i thought five chances at a boyfriend was better odds! i miss having chris over for dinner-“ she whines, and margot closes the closet door behind kitty as you try to push her away.

“alright! geez, give me the lightsaber, anakin. look, kitty’s logic was off, but her heart was in the right place.” margot states, and you huff angrily.

“her face is gonna be in the wrong place—“

“y/n, before you murder our sister, could i just ask you a question? if you didn’t want them sent out, why the fuck did you address them?” margot asks, and that makes you stop… hm. maybe a part of you did want them to see it…

“it’s not like i added a stamp.” you defiantly grumble.

“can you maybe admit that some part of you doesn’t want everything in your life to be a fantasy?” margot clocks, and you sigh and stare at the ground, letting out a soft ‘maybe.’ “so, if i can forgive you for writing my boyfriend a love letter, do you you think you can forgive kitty for sending them?” margot slowly opens the door to reveal a bewildered kitty, standing there and staring at you with a scared smile.

“…you owe me braid crowns for the rest of your life.”

“oh thank goodness… i was hoping to make it to seventh grade.

it didn’t really feel like christmas knowing your hot tub escapades with chris had gone viral. of course, margot still knew what to do and anonymously emailed instagram to have the unfortunately known video taken down under CP laws. you couldn’t believe you had unintentionally dabbled in porn before losing your virginity… it’s been such a strange year.

margot hands you your phone after emailing instagram, and she smiles at you. “there you go! you’re officially PG-13 again.” you take the phone from her hand, and she had turned it off. you turn the phone back on, and there was your lockscreen. you and chris laying together on your couch, his left cheek and your right cheek pressed together and your smiles dreamy and wide. you let out a soft sigh and shake your head.

“i guess i should change my wallpaper…”

“you could. or you could talk to him.”

before you know it, it was new year’s eve. your life was a complete mess, but… you could clean your room.

you put some headphones on and turn on your favorite artist and start cleaning. you put things away, fold clothes and put some in hampers, find shirts you thought you’d lost, throw away trash, vacuum, make your bed—

all of a sudden, your dad knocks on your door and you pause your music and take off your headphones.

“hey… wanna go for a drive?” he asks sweetly.

before you know it, you’re sitting across from your dad in the diner. the diner. the diner that started everything with chris, the diner you both had your first real deep conversation, the diner chris would take you to have you help him study, but now you were here with your dad. your dad looks over at the somehow intact mini jukebox on the table, and he turns on “everybody wants to rule the world” by tears for fears. the intro plays softly and your dad smiles.

“you know, your mom and i used to come here all the time when we were dating.” your dad says, messing with a straw wrapper as the two of you wait for your late night breakfast.

“really? that’s cute..”

“she’d play this song.. and as soon as it was over, she’d repeat it. she’d also get up and dance around the aisles, right by everyone eating.” he snickers softly, and you can’t help but do the same. “i was so embarrassed, but so in awe of that woman.. and now i look back and think, ‘man i wish i was dancing with her..’ here, look at this.” your dad reaches into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet. he unfolds it, reaching into where he keeps a picture of you and your sisters, pulling out a picture you didn’t know about.

it was your mom. your mom, beaming and innocent smile plastered across her face as her dress flows around her, showing that this was captured mid-twirl. she looked beautiful, and happy. the complete opposite of how you felt right now.

“wow, this place hasn’t changed.” you laugh softly, lightening the grieving mood.

“there’s so much about her i should’ve told you girls, but i haven’t been talking about her ‘cause it uh… makes me sad.” your dads words die in his throat, it seemed like he wanted to say more. but, he was obviously still upset about it all these years later, and this conversation and setting wasn’t helping.

grief is love with nowhere to go. you were young when your mom died, so you don’t remember her that well, but you still miss her. it would’ve been nice to have a motherly figure who wasn’t margot. you always had love with nowhere to go, though. the letters, the breakup with chris, the secrets. that’s what you were feeling. grief. you were grieving the feeling of what could’ve been with the guys that you were interested in, and chris. you still loved him, but loving wasn’t really allowed.

you sigh softly, shrugging your shoulders as you lean in to capture the end of the straw from your drink into your mouth. “it’s okay.” you reassure, wiping your mouth.

“no, it’s not okay. i’ve relied on margot too much, and now you. i know i have. sweetheart, you’re sixteen. you don’t have to be an adult yet… that’s why i was so happy when i saw you and chris together.” your dad says, and your heart squeezes in your chest. chris brought out a side in you no one had, and you thought you had only noticed it… you guess not.

“i don’t um… i don’t wanna talk about chris.” you sigh, and your dad nods.

“chris who?”

“really?”

your dad laughs softly, shaking his head. “look, i don’t know what happened with you two, but i know that you opened up when he was with you. not with us, ‘cause you’ve always been like that with us, but to the world. seeing you come alive like that… you remind me of her,” her. your mom. “just don’t hide that part of yourself, okay?”

“…dad i really miss her.” you whimper, tears stinging at the rims of your eyes.

“i know you do, it’s okay.”

“…can i borrow a quarter?”

your dad throws you a quarter, and you lean in and put the quarter into the jukebox. the song plays again, over and over and over until you and your dad leave.

“well, like, i didn’t hear shit about it though.” lucas remarks. you, kris, and lucas were walking in the hallways on the way to your locker. it was the first day back from winter break, and you were nervous. the hot tub incident was almost a month ago, but nobody had the time to harass you about it in public, so you were nervous.

“don’t worry. the debate teams new year’s eve nitrous oxide scandal knocked it out of the top spot. it’s ancient history by now.”

“good. okay— yeah! that’s good news. i’m officially back to being invisible.” with chris gone, and nobody worrying about the hot tub video, nobody cared anymore. or so you thought.

the trio approaches the locker, and there’s a crowd of people around it laughing. oh no. your stomach falls to your ass as you come closer, and there it is. a screenshot from the video printed out on your locker, and someone wrote in dry erase marker “y/n l/n is a slut.”

oh. my. fucking. gosh.

you storm away, and before you can hide, you feel a familiar and gentle grip on your bicep.

“hey, hey… what’s going on?” chris exclaims softly as he moves in front of you, blocking your path.

“you didn’t even say it wasn’t true? you’re just gonna let everyone think we fucked when you know we didn’t..?” you huff, circling around him so you can make your way around the corner. “i bet you’re happy the video got leaked.” you start to storm off, and kris lingers behind him.

“you gonna do something about this?” she mocks as she slams the picture of the two of you against his chest, and chris looks down at it.”

“hey!” he yells, looking out at the hallway full of people laughing about it; it suddenly goes silent at the sound of chris’s commanding tone. “not that it’s anyone’s business, but nothing happened in that hot tub. so if anyone says one more word about y/n, or the video, i’ll kick your asses. you understand me?” he says, and everyone nods meekly. some scattered ‘yes’s and ‘i understand’s can be heard.

you watch for a second, and chris sighs and looks back at you.

“look, i’m really sorry about everything. okay, baby? if i knew who did this—“

“i know who did it. so should you.” you huff coldly.

“…yeah. okay. let me talk to her.” chris sighs begrudgingly.

“…no. i have to handle this myself.” you turn around and storm off.

fucking gen, she just has to ruin everything.

⤷𝜗𝜚˚⋆ love, nicolette: AHHH i hate this part of the movie it makes me so saddddd but this was so much fun to write!! i’ll work on the new chapter but don’t expect it super soon cuz im busy w school stuff… love yall!!!

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