maxisnotreal

[maxisnotreal]

playing roblox with my girlfriend asleep beside me.... life is complete

[maxisnotreal]

I've never felt more lonely than I feel sitting on a balcony

in a busy city

it's late but it's not dark,

there is no stars.

people arguing a few balconies down

or maybe drunken fun

that sounds like angry shouts.

the world is burning.

my mind is racing.

and i hate living.

I sit alone, surrounded by people.

listening.

learning.

observing.

I've never felt more lonely

than I feel sitting on a balcony

in a busy city

full by people

utterly alone

[maxisnotreal]

everything fucking sucks and I hate this fuckass house and this fuckass life.

i just want to live how I want to live.

[maxisnotreal]

INTRO POST!!!

Hi! 🪱🕷️

Name: Max!

Pronouns: He/Him/His

About me: Trans ftm 🏳️‍⚧️ and autistic ♾️

Hyperfixations & Special interests: Art 🖌️, Wes Anderson movies 🎥 , Tattoos/Tattooing ✒️ , Bugs 🪲 , Snakes 🐍 , and South Park 📺

Music taste 🎵 : Car Seat Headrest, The Mountain Goats, The Frontt Bottoms, Will Wood, Peach Pit, Gezebelle Gaburgably, The Smashing Pumpkins, Slaughter beach dog, Weakened Friends, Insane Clown Posse, and a lot lot more!!!!

Feel free to ask any questions :3

This page is just a big amalgamation of my thoughts, feelings, etcetera. Enjoy!!!!

[maxisnotreal]

I am love and i will spread it to those i feel are deservant

[maxisnotreal]

who else want to disintegrate

[maxisnotreal]

i am made of broken glass shards that I have found on the sides of roads and put together to make a body

[maxisnotreal]

Alfonsina Storni, tr. by Dorothy Scott Loos, from Selected Poems; "The Stars Call To Me,"

[maxisnotreal]

maybe ill never be able to live

[maxisnotreal]

So yeah i have the best boyfriend in the world

[maxisnotreal]

limbo.

max tj

I'll spend my life waiting

for the day i can see you

it'll only be a couple hours

not nearly as long as the commute

and I'll see you

hold you in my arms

and feel your warm embrace

I'll go home

home isn't really home

just a place

but places aren't fun without you

I'll spend my life waiting

for the day i can see you

I'll do it over and over

more miserable each time I leave

knowing I'll have to wait again

I'll go home

home isn't really home

until its ours

a place for us to thrive

I'll spend my day waiting

for work to end

so I can see you again

at the end of the day

i'll lay in bed

and sleep soundly

knowing you're beside me

I'll only ever have to wait

for the day to be over

to see you again

but until then

I'll be miserable

it's worth it

I'll wait

i just hope

you'll wait for me too

I'll make sure it's worth it

[maxisnotreal]

my bed of soil.

max tj.

I hate it

I hate that feeling.

the void in my chest

screams for forgiveness

from the void

to the void.

a black hole

everything drenched in dust.

nothing will change.

it'll always be there

consuming,

disintegrating,

eating away.

until all is gone,

none of it is safe.

all memories and pictures,

all people and animals,

all plants and nature,

it'll all rot.

I'll rot.

I'll lay in my comfortable bed

of warm soft soil

and become one

with the sand

the hole will close

and I'll be complete.

nothing will matter.

it'll be the same as before

except I won't care

I'll lay comfortably

and in peace

as for once

i can care about me

[maxisnotreal]

Storm

a poem!!

I will keep myself hidden

until the rain stops.

watching passerby after passerby,

going with their umbrellas and raincoats.

I will conceal myself,

under trees and in doorways,

staying so silent,

that nobody will notice.

I'll see you dance.

you'll dance despite the grey skies,

and gloomy clouds,

holding your hand out.

"it doesn't hurt", you'll say.

"there's nothing to be afraid of".

I'm not so sure.

what if I make a mess?

get my shoes all muddy?

I'll hesitate.

I've never let the rain touch me.

But I'll dance with you.

I'll dance to the sound

of the droplets making puddles,

and the trees swaying in the wind.

I'll forget i was ever scared.

[maxisnotreal]

A poem on transgenderism, and old photos.

written by me

I hear you speak of that girl.

She's no longer there anymore,

i've killed her.

She's just a figment,

a photo on the wall.

She's a memory we will forget,

and i will never find her.

For I've killed that girl,

the young girl.

Some say i share a semblance with her.

Her brown hair,

small, curious brown eyes,

awkward, crooked smile,

that laugh,

oh that laugh.

But im much bigger than her,

more tainted and scarred,

more aware and awake.

and much, much sadder.

Some say she's still in there,

somewhere,

but I doubt it.

I've killed her off.

I've hidden every aspect of her.

Locked it up so nobody can see.

Covered it with clothes,

haircuts,

jewellery.

She won't be found here,

or there,

or anywhere.

So why do I still search for her?

I'm the one who put her away.

I'm the one who lost her.

She didn't want to go.

I made her.

She's a whisper in my ear now,

a cold breeze on an autumn day,

a final thought before losing consciousness,

a memory, thrown away and lost.

I only have the photos left.

Oh, she looks so happy in them.

I wish I could be give her that happiness back.

I hope she's still in there,

somewhere.

But I know she's not.

I've killed her.

[maxisnotreal]

tw: vent//sh

how am i in the best mental state I have been since I was 9 and yet, I still have these thoughts. are they permanant like the reminders that taint my skin? am I always going to see that as the first call of action?

[maxisnotreal]

I used to just disappear out of the blue, loved the idea of being a folk tale in people's lives. How naive and childish of me, right?

[maxisnotreal]