maxtotherad

[maxtotherad]

There is actually something so wrong with me I should kill myself. I am probably torturing this man. I do activly need to get my shit together in a way that matters. Our bed sheets are stained with my blood because I'm a dramatic bitch. There are blood stains all over our house because I am a dramatic bitch. I don't know why I'm always cutting myself like a child. I'm a 22 year old man I don't know why I have the teenage girl starve yourself dosorder. I'm puking up dinner and cutting myself and kicking and screaming on the floor like a child. It makes me sick. I'm a grown man. I don't know what I'm suppose to do about this maybe I shoudl just start ramming my head into a wall. Baby call me an n64 cartridge because I need to get BLOWN. mood. Groupchat. Anyways. My facial hair is falling out again I keep picking at it and pulling at it and plucking at it. Ew. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever. Whatsver. Guy who bitches about everything is mad when he doesn't even know what he's bitching about anymore. I need him. I need to be so normal because he's the most normal and sane guy in the world and I am a freak. This shit is so debilitating I don't know what disorder is making me act like this but I have to kill myself. I don't actually but I should. I don't know. I don't actually even really want to kill myself. I think if anything I just want another man to shoot me has to be another man though, wouldn't have the effect I need it to if it wasn't another man. A man who isn't my father preferabl. I don't know. Processing what homosexuality does to my brain. Man. I could have just kepf dating woman, and being apathetic and none of the would have happened. Really. Like. Okay?? I should have just dated Hailey forever. She was kind of a pedophile at 26 years old, but other than that she was sane. I would have been normal forever.aybe Mika. I am torturing other men unintentionally because I am just so attracted to them. When I was a little boy I was feeding Joey dirt in his own backyard and pushing him in the pool and shit. I grew up up to unintentionally torture the men I want so badly. That's sick. Who does that?? What am I some sort of freak?? I feel borderline sadistic because I am cutting myself on a regular basis. I'm happier here I know I am. But being happy doesn't negate the fact that 1. I probably don't deserve this 2. That I am cutting myself. I don't ritualistic habit from feeling any emotion that is too intense. I should donate plasma. Man. I love this man so much in my home j love this man so much in my home. I love him more then anything. I don't know why I can't just be a good man for him. I don't know why I'm always such a bitch. I need to be a good man for this man. I couldn't be a man for Joey or even for my platonic male friends. I need to be a man now. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I'm such a little bitvh.

[maxtotherad]

ibdint actually hate where I am I don't think I ever really will there is just this immense guilt that I stepped all over joeys soon to be corpse to get here. I don't know what anyone wants me to do about this though. It's not about how I feel about him it's about what I did to him. I'm happy here but he's like this thing nagging about the back of my mind. I really don't think I deserve this. I don't even think I know how to treat a man. I don't think I'm very chivalrous I don't think I'm even very considerate even if I'm always trying to be. I don't know I love habit, and I want to think I make him happy but I'm always scared I'm holding him back from something grander. There's probably someone out there who's more of a man then me that would treat him better in ways I just couldn't I can't just tell him that though. I always feel like I'm making the same mistakes mirrored over and over again. I'm so in love with him I'm scared I'm holding him down like an anchor. I know I did that to Joey. I just feel like every man who has ever walked into my life deserves more from me. They always do. I feel like I make a dog shit homosexual. Am I even a homosexual if I can't even treat a man right. The point of this relationship is that we're both suppose to be men and I can't even man up here. I feel guilt that consumes me. Maybe I'll never be a real functioning man. I don't know. I love habit mode then I love anything or anyone easily more then myself but that's not saying much. Getting your ears pierced at Claire's as a metaphor for penatrive homosexual sex. Ugh. Whatever. I have this love for other men that is so strong it is normally all consuming. The love I have for this man feels like it's eating holes in my brain. I can't make it stop. My brain feels fried melted deep dished and baked. I can't keep thinking it's going to kill me. Dating woman was so easy, it never really required much critical thought, and it was really simple. They all kind of just like hearing the same stuff. After Angela I didn't have much of a reason to think too hard about anything. I don't know. Dating men feels so complicated if eats holes in my brain. I never stop thinking about them ever. I think about habit 25 hours a day. I'm inventing new days of the week to think ""critically"" about this man and I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't think anything can fix me this homosexuality shit is terminal I am going to die because it is so all consuming. I had to date women to numb having any kind of real emotion that meant anything I think. I was not normal and I'm actually have not been single for a day in my life since October of 2015. It doesn't matter because I think if men can give their virginity to other men I gave my virginity to Joey back in January of 2016. I don't know how I'm suppose to process this. Can I have my virginity back? Can you regift it back to me? I don't know what I'm asking for. Joey has to have my virginity or else it either belongs to a grown man in his 50s probably which is weird, of a woman, which is also weird. So I hope he's taking care of it in a little box somewhere. Something about the red scarf. Smells like innocence. I don't know I keep his in wallet.

[maxtotherad]

somethibg to be said here about the morality of the situation. Maybe I shouldnt have left maybe that makes me a bad person or a bad man but I'm not sure if I really care because I'm not very good at being a man anyways. I feel a lot of guilt for what I did to Joey and I'm not sure how to really grapple with this. Sure I could just kill his dad I guess. What do you want me to do. Everyone is always the same person to me expect for when they aren't. People don't get to exist unless they're directly in front of my face. Joey is his dad, and his dad is my dad, and my dad is me, and I'm Joey, and Joey is his dad and. It's all the same really. What is any man if not just his father coming back wrong I guess. I don't know you put me in a room with that grown adult boy and look at what you made me do. I didnt want to be violent or mean. I never really want to be anything. I do just want to sit here and work on my little projects. I never really ask for anything different. Sometimes I forget that my mom didn't care because I don't really even talk to her like that anymore. Joey is kind of a faggot because he really is more like his mom then his dad, which is kind of funny if you think about it. I never spent a lot of time with Mrs Hall but when I was she was smashing my head into walls just like her son was. I don't know. I'm just like my dad though I smashed the beer bottle over his head. I don't know where things start and stop being incest. If you think about it fucking Joey is sort of like indirect incest, because we are both always fucking each other, and our dads are doing that. I don't know why I bitch about that part like it means anything, my dad hasn't done that to me since I was like 14. I don't really know what I'm grappling with here. I feel like I always have the fisher price building blocks in front of me to play nice with, but I never do a good job at it. I want to be a good person. I don't know. Am I freak for talking about that man as often as I do? I feel bad because I feel like there's other people I should be talking about but I never talk about them. It's keeping me up. I don't think I have it in me to apologize to him I have too much pride in not willing to manup. I think I might have been soul mates with that man in a wierd fucked up way if your objective in life was to torment your soul mate until he killed himself. I don't like thinking about that. I genuinely feel tied to him in ways that make me shake when I hold the razor. I could shave my face but I won't because I don't really even know how to do it without Joey. I talk big talk but man Joey did not take a lot of bullets for me but he sure did take a lot of them with me. I guess it's fine. Habit says he likes my facial hair that's reasuring. I should visit Micheal, I don't know what kind of advice I need, but his words would be reaurirng. I need something. Jehovah knows I need something. Lord throw me a bone. Preferably with some meat on it. I'm happy. I like it here. It's safe it's warm, and I love habit, but sometimes it keeps me up at night that I had to leave him die to get here. It's not that i personally think I'm undeserving of all his love and adoration and his care and his charm but I had to put joeys blood on my hands to get here. That's kind of sick. I don't really feel regret about abandoning people because normally I'm not actually abandoning them they are just being dramatic and I'm just moving on but I really did abandon him. I think I deserve to be hit with 39t9395849 cars. All I did for like two years was that. I want my PS4 back bitch. I don't care if you broke it I want it back. I'm not mad because I can't be because if I'm mad I'm just my dad. He cried like a girl at my window. I moved in with him. Talk about a true gentleman (me). I love myself because I just have to tell myself every person who was relevant to me loved me once I guess. If I'm not competent and coherent and confident enough I'll just die. I love the men that walk into my life more then I love myself. The ony thing keeping me from killing myself is probably habit