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[maybeishouldretire-blog]

About time and other cultural differences

Living in another country is not only difficult because you are far from family, friends, or having to deal with different weather conditions. Most of the hard time is caused by cultural differences: what we call the “manners”. Each society has its own, and this is not palpable - it may vary from city to city, region to region; there is not a rule about it. Living in Berlin, I can tell I have already changed a lot when it comes to punctuality and discipline. People often say germans are strict and rude, but I understand it as being straight and direct. Personally I think it has a lot to do with the structure of the language: logical, many times with the verb in the end of the phrase - meaning you have to think before you speak, and wait until the end of the sentence to fully understand what the other has to say. They also have 6 modal verbs, including one just to authority (dürfen). Understanding linguistics you understand a little more about how that particular society works, thinks, and relates.

During these last days in Rio I had the idea of making a vegetarian barbecue so I could see all my friends in one day, in one place. I know people arrive 3 hours late in any event, so I scheduled it to mid day so people could arrive at 3, enjoy the pool and spend the day. Well, thats what I had in mind, because people only started to arrive around 5. Around 8, everybody was there. My conclusion is that no matter what time you schedule it, if its “too early” to Rio’s standards, it won't work. Honestly I got a little upset about it at first: I spent money on it, I cooked, I am willing open my house for all these people, and they arrive 5 hours late? Then I got drunk and forgot all about it, but the next morning I made the exercise of looking back to myself and realizing I did that many, many times. Not to count the people that assured me they were coming and didn't go. I really don't care if you don't go, but why can't you say you won’t? Shame? Fear? Its funny how these little attitudes many times lead to misunderstanding and lack of efficiency, because they happen in work environments as well. A friend of mine told me that he knew a case about this trained CEO that had to go to Rio to work. He had studied portuguese for a year, spoke perfectly. When he arrived, he apparently got crazy about how non objective people were: he just couldn't deal with it.

Personally, I stick to the German manners about this issue. The funny side is that now I am often perceived as rude, or too straight to the point. People tell me “ill try to make it!” and i just answer: “dude its a yes or no question, just be fucking honest and thats it.” Sociologically, I would guess that has to do with the fact that in Brazil we often mix the private and public spaces because those were never really clearly separated, since the Empire.

But of course, there is the other way around. This week I met two other brazilians who live here and they complained a lot, often criticizing the way of life: said to be liberal and the same time organized, when its actually oppressive, authoritarian and conservative - another complain is about the lack of intimacy between people: according to them, it is too hard to make friends; germans would not have many social skills to be considered open hearted. Indeed, when you do something wrong by their terms, there is always someone to shout it out to you (i had that experience in the supermarket twice, when I regretted something I was going to buy and they made me return it to where it originally was instead of just drop it wherever).  

I believe every society has a lot to learn with another, whatever is the case. Every country and people have something we can learn about. This is why i believe traveling is so special: you can just curate whatever manners fit to you and enhance your living. Besides, the best way to create empathy is to be in someone else’s shoes. Here I am a foreigner, an outsider, I am the one who has to fit in and stick to the rules. Rules that in Brazil, often do not exist - or you just have to know the right person in order not to. Brazilians could learn a lot about sense of collectivity and participating actively in the public sphere, while germans could learn about being more open hearted and cheerful. We must never underestimate something just because it's different than what we are used to.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

Institutions and their surroundings

Continuing my trip days in Brazil, after a week in Rio I decided to spend some days in Sao Paulo. Besides the MASP exhibitions, I was planning to visit the new Moreira Salles Institute building and see some galleries in particular, Mendes Wood (which represents my friend Cibelle) and Jacqueline Martins. When arriving, I also saw a retrospective about Di Cavalcanti (one of Brazil's biggest modernist painters) at the Pinacoteca. As my sister wanted to see the last one, that was the first we went. I had visited the Pinacoteca before, but i did not know there were two different buildings. After enjoying Di’s paintings, the 60’s avant garde collection and the classic european art they have, my sister needed to leave. I stayed so i could visit “Estação Pinacoteca” for the first time. It is more focused in contemporary and media art, which is very much of my interest, and in the second floor is also the “Museum of Resistance”: a homage to the victims from the military dictatorship. The place itself during those years served as a police and control building, the “Dops”.

The 2 Pinacotecas are only 500 meters from one another. But the moment I walked in the street I felt like the environment in the first building was totally not connected with its surroundings. The neighborhood, “Luz”, is located in downtown Sao Paulo and is very close to what we call “Cracolandia”: a contemporary cultural phenomenon that has been happening at Brazil’s biggest cities, where all the crackheads live. Sao Paulo is currently under the administration of a businessman, whose attitude towards Cracolandia caused big controversy a couple of months ago. He, as way to “clean up" the place, did literally a whitewashing: in an early morning his team arrived with big water hoses and swiped away its habitants in a brutal way. Human rights activists complained, but nothing actually changed; just the fact that the residents’ houses and things were destroyed and forced to go somewhere else. Nothing was done to really change the situation - the only thing that mattered was the territorial side of it; cleaning the area to open it to real estate speculation.

As I walked, I had to remind myself not to be afraid - my social prejudice started hitting hard, and I remembered how one year abroad had already made me unprepared to deal with this type of extreme social abyss. There were around 200 crackheads right before Pinacoteca’s entrance, smoking, laughing, fighting, crying. The agitation was so big I could not process all the information at once. I ran inside, scared and sad. Understanding in me existed the high middle class girl who grew up completely blinded from the existing reality outside, and my fear was a consequence of it - but also deeply touched by those people who are, every day, forgotten.

Entering the building, the security girl asked me “You are scared, right?”, probably because she saw my face wasn't very much of happiness. We chatted a little about it, and she told me cases of extremely rich people who often come in big cars, pick up their crackhead relatives to give them shower, do their nails and such. And then, they get back. As I walked around, the shock was still present in my body - I made efforts to pay deep attention to all the works I saw, but nothing could be more brutal than that reality. Everything there seemed alienated and pretentious; not that it was of bad quality, no, but I questioned myself if any of those artists know about the conditions one has to go in order to see their work - shouldn't this be in some way talked about? I prefer to believe they have no idea, because deliberately ignoring these issues just shows how of an artist one is not.

The institution also has a great power in influencing this particular situation. Those people are living under their roof; the flux of visitors is clearly small - I even did not know about its existence, for example. This is a huge problem that can even be approached by the market side of it - and still ask for a decent solution - which is not the case. 2 days later I visited MASP. One of the most important cultural institutions in the country, it was projected by Lina Bo Bardi, one of Brazil’s most important architectures. The building was projected with big windows all over it, so it could seem like a huge window shop. Until one of the directors, in the 80’s, decided to put curtains all over it, so the “light wouldn't damage the paintings”. This guy was also the person behind the decision to ask entrance fees to the museum. Personally I only see a way of detaching MASP of its surroundings, as homeless people also hang out outside it, burning mattresses, making barbecue and smoking crack.

I can't help but analyze this as a metonymy for brazilian society, as it chooses to blind and alienate itself from its sad truth. You can say its pretty much the same mechanism applied to high security condos: utopian places where children can run “free”, until they reach the fence. You go in and out in big cars with security and dark glasses, and have no contact with realities that are not of your own. Like this we can pretend the oppression and poverty is not real, because we can’t see it. Brazil is a country of poorly paid servers, where most of the big houses and apartments still have a “service area” - or as I call it, the modern senzala (senzala is the place slaves used to sleep); where people worship objects instead of services: housewives don't mind paying 3k in a LV bag to show it around, but will ask for a discount when hiring someone to pain their kitchen. A sad but real panorama, and unfortunately who tried to politically change this situation through social justice and equality until now, the latest presidents Lula and Dilma Rousseff, are being charged against in court, in a country where the judiciary likes to play god and the elite feels harassed when the sons and daughters of theirs housekeepers are in the same Uni as their heirs.

As for the institutions, they are just a reflect of the society they are in, and even with efforts towards being progressive (like with the “History of Sexuality” exhibit, in times of conservative and morality), you notice it does not goes further than its own building. They choose the easy way - staying in their comfort zone. I just wonder: until when can we keep on going until this fragile structure collapses? And im not talking about architecture.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

Solidarity and Cariocas

To run from the freezing weather in Berlin in the month of January, I decided to spend some time in Rio, my hometown. After 2 days totally in and staying with the family, I went to do a weekend routine I often do in Berlin: catch the subway, observe people, go to a museum or gallery, grab a bite somewhere, then back home. I love to do it alone, with a nice book, or listening to music. With the general security changes I have to make (being totally aware of my surroundings all the time, cell phone on my chest, not many money in my pocket), I hoped the ride would be very much the same. I explain: in Berlin since the moment I go out until the moment I get back, I am mostly alone with my thoughts. But this time was a little different. In the moment I got in the bus, the bus driver complimented my smile (very politely); gently reminded me my stop, thanked me for the company during the ride; commented about the book I was reading. Shortly after I entered the museum, the security guy complained about how tired he was - but actually that was only a way to start a conversation - he then told me about how full the exhibition was, and how the one before did not have the same success despite having also paintings and sculptures, not only photography. He also told me about how people from all Brazil and the globe are coming to this particular show, and how he thinks the cloudy weather is helping pump the visits. After that, I was sitting in a bench enjoying a quick meal when someone came to ask me where was the exit - not to after ask me if I was from Rio - and with the positive answer: “Oh I thought you were from Curitiba or Sao Paulo” - “Maybe because of my looks?” “Yes, maybe.” The cliche here is that upper middle class Rio girls kinda look all the same - tanned, long hair, and mostly prefer the beach to museums - not at all like me.

After those encounters I was already feeling totally integrated, when in the bookshop I saw another guy staring at the books I was choosing: “Are you taking politics?” “Yes, I am”, I said. “Good, well done. Politics are important”. In the subway ride back, I witnessed an encounter between friends who, in 5 minutes, talked about family, weather, prices, and arranged a barbecue in the weekend. I must confess I had tears in my eyes, I felt very emotional. I remembered about Sergio Buarque de Holanda’s words about the “cordial man”: how a main characteristic of the brazilian individual is the emotion ruled part, the deep relationship with the skin, the body - and how that in a way dictates the way we relate to institutions and to each other. I don't want to sound reductive because we can problematize those myths - even saying that being emotionally driven can be seen as morally inferior when analyzed by the jew-christian perspective. Those myths created our narratives as a country and have many issues; but in the other hand, I am sure most of those people had never read about Hollanda’s or Freyre’s theories, and still they fit somehow. We can't deny the tropical weather changes the way we deal with others and the public/private space, specially with the history process we had; and we cannot blame portuguese bureaucracy for our problems: in Portugal there was no slavery, and this is a standing point for understanding where we are now.

Anyways, I had been here for only a couple of days and this ride was special because of these encounters. Being able to observe and feel the cultural difference and just the possibility to notice these attitudes that bring identities together was really strong for me. I have a feeling I won't forget about this day anytime soon. Always when friends of mine ask me the difference between Berlin and Rio I tend to use the corporality and the touch as an example, the Carnival to illustrate it; but it goes way beyond - the language also influences a lot. In German language many times the verb goes in the end of the phrase, so you have to wait until the person ends the sentence to understand it, and also quickly think before you say - something that does not occur in derived latin languages. But the brazilian portuguese also has an interesting thing with diminutives, the “inho”, that we seem to love - and also the neologisms every other week. We appropriate, subvert, change meanings more than any other language I know. We speak portuguese but have african and indigenous words in our vocabulary. Might seem only linguistic, but no. The language shapes the way we structure our thoughts, relate to people, love, hate, everything.

Last time I visited Rio I was hating every part of it, seeing all its flaws and feeling impotent by not being able to change things. This time, I fell in love with the city again despite all its problems, like its citizens do every day. Im a carioca, after all.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

About the knowledgement of others’ bodies.

It’s winter time. Those 3 little words making a sentence come with a huge imaginary: cold, sweets, christmas markets, lights, red, gifts - and other subjective images that vary from place to place. But most of these constructed traditions are from the Northern Hemisphere. As a growing up in Rio de Janeiro, I never understood why Santa had that long beard and used jumpers with long sleeves if it was making almost 40 degrees (celsius) outside. A little later on I noticed all our Christmas practices were adjusted from western northern traditions related to snow, cold, hot beverages, funny pullovers and so on. That moment I started to notice about cultural hegemony: why wasn't Santa ever pictured having a coconut water?

For us in Rio, Christmas and New Years mean summer: drinking beer or caipirinhas with your friends and staying up until late. But the most important: beach. The beach is an active part of cariocas’ lives. There are many studies and documentaries made about it as an anthropological activity. Each “tribe” has its on place in the sand that never changes. There you can go even if you didn't schedule anything with your friends - they are going to be there. It’s also the place where you talk about what are you doing later, and of course, check on everybody’s bodies. It’s different than traveling to a far island in Spain during a couple of weeks in July - its part of our lives. We all know each others bodies very, very well.

This fact says a lot about brazilan culture. We are silver medallists when it comes to cosmetic procedures, only behind the States in absolute numbers. But if you adjust the proportion to the population size (USA has around 100m more people than Brazil) Brazil becomes number 1. Besides, going always to the same place or hanging with the same crew creates a familiar environment, even if you don't know all the people around you. They are probably friends of your friends, or if not, eventually will become, its only a matter of time. But you can't never get away from seeing others bodies and being seen: if you loose or gain a kilo, everyone will notice (and talk about it). 

It is indeed weird to think that people that you never talked to know exactly how your booty and belly are, maybe even more than yourself (I don't spend much time appreciating my butt in the mirror, per say). The boundaries between social and intimate are blurred. And why is this an issue? Because bodies are exchange of social status. Its always been, but the standards have changed: if until the Middle Ages being more curvy was the archetype of beauty, now, in times where we have abundance of food - specially ultra processed bad quality ones - being skinny is desirable; one of the main reasons is very simple: it is harder nowadays to be thin. So there is this huge pressure for having a toned, slim, preferably tanned body.

Living in Europe for a year and a half now, I was freeing myself for that pressure - there are both physical and philosophical reasons why bodies are perceived differently here. For the first time in years I was not worried about how my naked body would look like; if my belly looked a little chubbier - im drinking wine and eating falafels, let me be happy! But my first hit was a couple of months ago when the family of my ex boyfriend came to the city to make a visit. We met and one of the first things his mother told me was: “you look fat”. We always used to go to the gym together, shared diets and nutritionists - eating gluten, lactose and sugar free products. She saw me eating a bread and said: “I see you are not making any diets”. I noticed right there the shock between two deeply different cultures.

Now, few months later, here I am with a trip scheduled to Rio next week. The pressure started to come again. It will be 40 degrees, I will see all my friends and colleagues: I started to care. Running, eating salads, no alcohol. During a December winter in Berlin, it is definitely not what my body is craving for; and the funniest part is none of my non brazilian friends understand it. I see they think is a mix of neurosis with a shallow need, and I tend to agree - but even rationally aware, I cannot free myself from it. It gives me pleasure to know that I have a desirable body for my city’s standards. But it also shows me how hostage I am of my own figure. Im not giving up the fight, tho. Living free from increasing pressures to have a perfect body should be the norm for all of us, specially when you know this standards are crafted to make us feel anxious, depressed and fuel industries. 

But in the meantime, ill go for a run - at least health comes along with it.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

Considerations about my last trip to the UK

About two weeks ago I flew to Glasgow to meet a brazilian friend who’s been living in Dublin. We are both big fans of disco music and she told me Hunee was playing that weekend. One cheap RyanAir flight away and I was in - also I had never been in Scotland before, so that was a good reason to check that country out of my list.

A couple of days before the trip I was checking the Resident Advisor page on Glasgow and that moment I had my first disappointment: the clubs all closed 3 or 4 AM. I was already mad that in Spain was at 6. That’s one of the main reasons I know I live in the right city now. With that in mind, I started researching about the underground scene in order to find some nice after party places or crew I could talk to. Luckily stumbled upon a cool mini doc Vice made about some people producing raves and art related events in abandoned places around the city. I reached out to them (shout out to Bo!). They were all super nice and introduced us to lovely people; all of them active in the young creative scene. I also learned about the history of Glasgow: a city built in the industrial era, now being more and more smashed by housing business, raising prices, the consequences of the privatization Tatcher era, unemployment, and finally, the Brexit issue.

Arriving in Glasgow I could already feel the dark consequences of neoliberalism and colonialism. First task, changing the money. Feeling those brand new coins and bank notes with the queen’s face in my hands felt so, so wrong. I looked at her face with a diamond tiara on, that shiny money looking so expensive, and I could only think about one thing: blood. In whom´s expense this money were (and still is) being produced and valued? In all these years since industrial revolution, how many nations, lives, people, were reduced, violated, stollen, killed, so this money can now shine with that tiara on? No Elizabeth, I don't really like you. I don't understand how your people can agree to pay taxes so that you and your family can live in a big castle. I don't get how your people can cope with that knowing their rights were extremely reduced in the past 40 years, knowing that the people who were supposed to "protect” them and guarantee at least the Universal Human Rights, are actually on the side of money, and money only. There is no society, there is only market. And UK people are nothing but numbers.

As I walked around town, I felt scared. But not fear scared, like I always feel in Rio when im alone. Scared because I had never seen so many obese people in my life. It didn't take me too long to understand why. The first thing I like to do in every city I visit is to go to the supermarket: there you can easily notice people’s eating habits, prices, etc. Tell me what you eat and I’ll tell you who you are. So… I saw mostly junk food, chocolates and frozen stuff very low priced, many promotions. Not many healthy options. All the wines I usually buy in Berlin costing double the price. In the Bus ride, they don't give you change. The bus lines were probably privatized too, cause I saw more than 2 companies around the city. In the back of the ticket, Burger King coupons. And I saw opulence. Really expensive cars and plazas next to parks with huge town houses. I also saw many beggars and homeless people - and no, they were not all immigrants. I saw Oxy addicts and Advil selling in the supermarket for 1 pound.

All those factors only made me think more and more about neoliberalism and their consequences in peoples lives. You can blame the individual if you want, with the argument that everyone is responsible for themselves and have the choice not to eat junk food or use drugs; that you can get yourself a job and live your life like media says you should. But is that really so? When wages are not enough, when you have to work your ass off most of the week and don't have time and patience to cook yourself a decent meal, when you’re afraid to loose your job because you don't have your rights granted, can you really blame people for taking the easy choice? Isn't it the responsibility of those in charge to help people make better choices for themselves - and im saying this in objective choices, not subjective ones. Selling cheap medicine in supermarkets makes it a lot easier for people to take them.  We all know this is lobby, money, market, is not about one’s health (and this is just a silly example, there are many more perverse ones). Neoliberalism makes you tired, poor, fat, sick, alienated; they don’t even let you have decent fun anymore (maybe they know dance floors and club culture are extremely dangerous for the status quo?) then it makes you think that you are only one to blame, and guess what? They make money on you in every fucking single of these operations. No wonder UK is the second country in the world with the highest concentration of millionaires, only loosing the United States. Sorry to tell you guys, but your nation is severely ill.

I was happy to be back in Berlin. With still live traces of the DDR, even with all its flaws and lack of freedom, there is still a strong sense of caring for people. Money is not more important than citizens. Unfortunately much nations are walking the other way, believing the limitless “free market” is a great salvation. The consequences are disastrous and very, very clear for those who choose to see them.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

Human rights & Ideology in North Korea

Yesterday I went to a symposium at Humboldt University in Berlin. The theme was human rights and freedom of expression in North Korea. There were supposed to be 2 North Korean deserters - a woman who had been kept in jail for seven years, and a man who managed to scape trough Siberia and now runs a clandestine radio who sends “non manipulated” information to citizens.

Due to a nervous breakdown, the woman had to return to Seoul.The first one to talk was a German man, who started saying what most of us already know - that in Pyongyang tourists are not allowed to be alone at any time, that things are "made up" to seem natural and free, that there are only certain areas where you can photograph, among other things. He also said NK is “not in any way a communist country" and showed us pictures from remote rural and poor areas, affirming he should keep the identity of his collaborator in secret.

Then, we listened to Kim Seung Chu. He used to be a worker in the capital, but with no money to support his family, he chose to be a logger in Russia. He explained to us how unfair and strict the system is to expats: they do not pay you at all, control your passport, and so on. There, he managed to scape after 2 years. After a while he opened in SK the North Korean Reform Radio. The main goal is very clear: “to change the way of thinking for North Korean people (…) in order to bring democracy and humanitarian aids”. Throughout the project, he produced some documentaries and managed to send them via air balloons in SD devices, besides the regular program broadcasted trough third countries.

His efforts are worthy. He showed us many videos and those are truly slavery conditions. But also this past weeks I’ve seen news about the slave markets in Libya, the change in workers laws in Brazil (that lets pregnant women work in insalubrious conditions if agreed by both parts), shrinking salaries all over the globe while mechanization of means of production maximize profits and efficiency and minimize “risks”. In a world where knowledge became a commodity and robots are given citizenships in the same place where women were just let able to drive - a criticism to one of the only countries in the globe where ideology is not turned completely to capital logic just makes me a little distrustful.

Yes, we should all fight for human rights and not tolerate any type of violence against other human being, in any order. But recently I have visited an exhibition called “Parapolitik: Cultural Freedom and Cold War”, and was able to see closely documents confirming US funding to many institutions, artists, academics and so on, in name of the “free world” back in the Cold War time. FBI and CIA reports, lists of names, words, censorship; narratives changed and influenced all over the globe in order to maintain US imperialism. It was impossible for me not to remember about it as I was reading his brochure with poor word choices as “enlightenment” and “freedom”. Who is really free in this world nowadays? They have no WIFI, but we have Facebook. 

 I was, and I am, really curious to know who funds his radio station. I had the chance to ask him, but I didn't. Some things are better left unsaid. What is really the difference between the slavery camps in and out NK and workers in central Brazil? Why isn’t anyone talking about it even though we all know about it? Hypocrisy. Money. Ideology. Imperialism.

NK is the only country going totally against the status quo, playing with the slight chance of changing geopolitics when it comes to hegemony. I don't like to think what could happen if any of the sides make a stupid decision - after all, both of their leaders are unbalanced human beings - way more equal than different. And coincidently or not, today was announced the successful intercontinental ballistic rocket mission by NK, meaning they can reach any US city, followed almost instantaneously by major sanctions by the latter. I see many reasons to try to destroy the system from the inside. And besides, when dialogues straight out of a Marvel script appeal to measurements that somehow sustain the actual hegemonists political forces, well, I get suspicious.  

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

New Year New Fear

I have been single for a year now. It doesn't sound much, but I do miss having someone to share my life with. I always enjoyed having a boyfriend: since I was 16 I hopped from relationship to relationship without major trouble, and I thought I was a serial dater. Now I just think I was kinda lucky (or needy). But always a little bit after breaking up I look back to it and feel like I overcame it. I explain: it feels like there were certain things I was supposed to learn in order to keep my path moving forward - like that person came to your life or certain things happened so you could have the ability to deal with the things that would come next.

I have a feeling like everything in our lives are related. In a general example, your first heartbreak taught you how to deal with the next one. And the text you wrote about it got you published somewhere, an editor saw it, called you, and now you have a job, so everything is related. Right now I look back to all my exes and think “if I had met him today, I wouldn't want to be with him”. Its like that “been there, done that” with all the bullshit men make us go trough. Your radar gets so accurate, in the first 5 minutes of conversation you can tell if the guy is an asshole. And guess what? 80% of the times they are. After digging so much about patriarchy, queer theories - recognizing mansplaning, manspreading, gaslighting, manterrupting - and noticing that most of the guys still act that way - how many men are there left that I could possibly date? How many “deconstructed” guys are there out there?

I am also the type of girl that cannot have sex with someone without having at least a minimum connection. I don't mean being in love, but at least knowing their names and a conversation to find out if we have any chemistry or share interests. I tend to think im a demisexual - completely turned on by intelligence. This is why dating apps are so hard for me. My desire is so connected to noticing if I have any goosebumps whenever eyes cross, getting into loopholes conversations about the universe, the smell, the way the person moves, I can't really be convinced to leave my cozy bed and books for a picture. I don't get turned on like that. Of course I have a type - but generally this “type” is more related to habits than looks. And I don't really feel desperate to have sex to a point where I go home with the first fuccboi that appears to me. I have done that more than once, and most of the times I wake up the next day feeling hangover and shitty - and the sex is never really good. So I abolished that practice from my life.

Conclusion? A whole year without a single interest. Months without having sex. And im also not the type that stays at home on weekends. Until not long ago I had this dream about being a “power couple” - doing stuff together professionally with my partner, sharing a life with this cool guy. Now I tend to have thoughts that I might end up alone. Not that´s a problem - loneliness is not synonym for solitude - but it meant a big shift from my previous expectations. For a girl that was brought up watching Disney movies non stop, realizing I am my own prince charming was a long, not always steady way.

I also have some examples from my family, my older sister and cousin. They are both in between their 30´s - my sister always fell for the “muscle” type of guy, had many boyfriends, always not long relationships - and when she finally had met a guy that was above average, he cheated and dumper her. My cousin, in the other hand, stayed for 10 years with the same guy, dating on a distance - now she wants to settle but that does not seem to be his priority. Each case is a case and you cannot compare different people and situations, but all around me I see men having really fucked up attitudes and being so less mature then women. Even at parties when most of the guys are straight, there is this tense, not chill atmosphere that queer parties don't have. Panorama bar at Fridays and at Sundays were my anthropological research.

So my equation is not easily solved. In the meantime I’ll read all my favorite books and watch all the classic movies. Knowledge is the only thing we don't loose with age, after all.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

De dentro da bolha a gente enxerga meio opaco

Eu nunca fui do tipo que deixa injustiças passarem despercebidas. Por conta disso já me fodi muito, desde a época de colégio. Bode expiatório, aquela que dá a cara a tapa - eu. Sempre escutei de meus pais, amigos e professores que deveria me calar, deveria deixar passar - que não deveria tentar mudar o mundo sozinha; isso só me causaria conflitos, inimigos e não me levaria a lugar nenhum.

Muitas vezes eu segui estas diretrizes apesar de não estar de acordo. Pensei que fazia parte da “vida adulta” ter que lidar com inúmeras situações de desrespeito, abuso de poder e mantimento de ordem repressiva sem poder fazer nem falar nada. Isso sempre me frustrou.

Outra coisa que sempre me frustrou é a incapacidade da maior parte da elite artística do Rio de Janeiro de olhar para além do seu próprio umbigo. Vivendo numa das cidades mais desiguais do mundo, com a violência escancarada como rotina, taxas de feminicídio altíssimas, assassinatos de pessoas trans, fundamentalismo religioso, sexismo, machismo - e tudo crescendo em níveis exponenciais - muitos preferem fechar os olhos e produzem uma arte sem sentido, sem contexto e sem força.

Ora, mas Carolina, nem toda arte tem que ser política, certo? Claro, voce pode escolher tirar fotos de paisagens, por exemplo - o Rio com certeza te dará de presente muitos bons cliques (mérito da cidade, não do fotógrafo), mas será quase impossível se blindar da realidade animalesca que a cidade se encontra - seja na própria dinâmica de sair para fotografar, sejam nos cliques.

O que é ser um artista? É ser filósofo do próprio tempo através de linguagens não usuais, metáforas não inventadas, associações inusitadas. Gosto muito da palavra alemã “zeitgeist” - espírito do tempo. Um artista é aquele que capta o espírito do seu tempo e o revela através de sua prática. Porque falar de qualquer coisa depois que já passou é muito fácil.

Voltando ao Rio, onde o PIB é concentradíssimo e por isso toda classe média alta se conhece, ainda vivemos no estilo provinciano de ser - “Ah, ele é meu amigo, vou fortalecer”, etc e tal. Não só essa atitude impera, como também o “deixar passar” assédios e sexismos em nome do “networking” e da rede de contatos.

Agora, vamos ao caso concreto. Há muitos anos conheço um sujeito que assedia e manipula mulheres em níveis de sociopatia. O sujeito vem a ser um jovem diretor, cuja família é muito bem relacionada no meio artístico. Ele sempre escolheu o mesmo tipo de mulheres para praticar seus delírios: baixa auto estima, deslumbrada com sua posição privilegiada, mais jovem, influenciável. Estes dias aparece em minha timeline um evento de fotografia na qual ele faz parte. Neste ponto, já existem duas problemáticas: a de um assediador constante continuar impune por suas atitudes, e da falta de representatividade numa exposição feita num espaço da prefeitura da cidade do Rio. Faço um post denunciando o sujeito e a estrutura: “assediador que continua impune e trabalhando pelo fato de ser branco rico privilegiado apesar do trabalho medíocre? Estamos tendo”.

Algumas horas depois, um outro fotógrafo da mesma exposição me manda uma mensagem no Facebook:

“oi carolina sou organizador da exposição que vc fez um post denunciando alguém q participa, poxa não acho legal fazer isso no evento em que estou organizando sem dar o nome da pessoa. Por favor voce poderia apagar post e falar diretamente com a pessoa?

Ficou parecendo q era comigo.

Poxa podemos conversar”

Logo depois, ele me liga. Além de reclamar da maneira que fiz a denúncia por não ter exposto nomes, ele me corta diversas vezes; quando questionado por mim quantas mulheres participavam do evento, ele responde algo como “ah tem X, Y, mas nós não vamos por essa linha, a gente vê o trabalho de quem tem a ver”. (A proporção neste caso concreto são 6 homens e 3 mulheres. Poderia ser pior). Esta resposta é a típica da pessoa que nunca fez questão de sair da zona de conforto da própria existência - me lembrei de uma parte do filme “I Am Not Your Negro”, quando um professor de uma universidade americana afirma que políticas afirmativas para negros não deveriam existir pois elas mesmas seriam racistas por qualificar pessoas pela cor (Isso se passou nos anos 60). É, talvez, se vivêssemos numa sociedade igualitária. Na nossa realidade é ingenuamente utópico, e no fundo, ignorante.

Quando questionado se tinha algum negro participando, ele me diz “Acho que 1” e logo volta para o tópico da denúncia, preocupado que isso pudesse abalar a relação dele com a instituição. Busquei todos os artistas, mas não encontrei fotos pessoais. Prefiro acreditar que este 1 exista mesmo.

Onde quero chegar aqui? Primeiramente, a mensagem logo de cara mostra a preocupação de fato: manter a reputação pessoal. A carapuça deve ter servido. Representatividade? Para este organizador, definitivamente esta palavra não foi prioridade. Que pena, pois deveria. É esse o X da questão: quando se está numa posição de privilégio, é dever que criemos diálogos e espaços antes não existentes, este é o zeitgeist. Mas infelizmente a elite carioca é apegada à estrutura excludente na qual vive e tem dificuldade em entender que os tempos estão mudando. Prefiro acreditar que é um problema cognitivo.

Sobre a instituição: não sei até que ponto vai a autonomia dos espaços em relação a gestão municipal, mas a escolha não é surpreendente quando nosso prefeito é Marcelo Crivella. Sobre o assediador: tentou me contactar de todas as plataformas possíveis depois que soube que não participaria mais do evento, perguntando porque eu o estava difamando. É difícil lutar contra o patriarcado. Mas a gente continua, sempre.

Fim.

- este é um texto de ficçao -

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

Shaving my hair, fundamentalists and gender trouble

Right before I went to Brazil the last time, a friend of mine told me I would look good with my hair shaved. I kept that in mind, but I was really afraid - I always thought my hair was one of the parts of my body I liked the most, and always related it to seducing men, feeling beautiful and desired - more feminine. I realized the only thing stopping me were my fear and vanity. But anyways, I was visiting my parents and grandma for some weeks and I really didn't want to be subject for family talk while my stay - so I decided to think about it, get used to the idea.

After having my ex boyfriend telling me I should find Jesus in my life and giving me advice to go to his church on Fridays to get the curse released from me, among other things, religious fundamentalism right now in Brazil cannot be ignored. Its growing on absurd high rates - discrimination by religious reasons grew nothing more than 4960% in 5 years. I realized that it had reached every single aspect of my life - my professional environment by censuring art shows, my personal life throughout my ex, political life (our mayor is a pastor), and even while I was at the beach in Ipanema a girl came to talk to me about how great it was to be part of their church. She said that they also had “work” in Germany (why do they use this word, dear Goddess), and that I should give it a try. She even handled me a paper with the words: “Suicide, give up on this idea”. Wtf is going on?

So their thing now is going for every progressive agenda. Judith Butler was supposed to give a lecture at Sesc Pompéia and the fundamentalists started to comment on every post on Sesc´s Facebook page - things like “Say no to gender ideology”, “We need to protect our children” (?????), “For the sake of the family”, and so on. As I read the comments, I could not help to think about the Middle Ages and how all the knowledge from Greek philosophers were lost at that time because of religious reasons. Those people never read her and probably never will - ignorance miraculously turns people into experts in anything - and you can easily notice the shallow concepts behind their words - learned mostly trough misinterpretations of the Bible that the pastors use to sell places in heaven while guaranteeing the church´s wealth (not small).

So after that moment I decided to go over her work again, I stumbled upon one of her most famous theories, the “gender trouble” concept - where she basically says gender is constructed, therefore, a performance, a social performance. There are signs that we relate to being a man or a woman, like colors: pink to a girl and blue to a guy, etc. Reading those concepts again, I remembered my fears about shaving my head - hair, after all, is a common sign of gender identity- long for girls and short for guys in the normative sense - and I realized I was relying too much on my hair to assure myself as a woman and how silly it is to think like that. If someone does not want to be with me because I look less girly bald - why would I ever want to be with that person in first place?

Yes, I am most of the times “straight” in my sexual choices and I was never trough social difficulties - I grew in a privileged environment and I was always normative (symetric face, thin, white) - but as a way to react to all of those things happening - not only to me, but with people around me and my motherland - I felt like shaving my head wasn't about me anymore - it was a statement. Causing gender trouble is a way to break the prejudice walls, the ignorance walls. I needed to do it.

And so I did. Top 5 best things I have ever done. And guess what? Damn, I feel so sexy.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

How we remember to forget our slavery past every time we discuss politics

As many these days, I have been feeling exhausted about discussing politics. We are going trough an ocidental world wide collective histeria about nation states, nationalism, identity, neoliberalism, fake news, post truths, and so on.

Brazil is going trough its biggest economy and political crisis. Right and left wing people can't seem to come to terms in any fields of discussion. The rejection of politics are reaching its peak point, where populist candidates appear with messianic solutions and shallow arguments - just enough to make peoples minds - and now we have bizarre politicians screaming for military intervention being not only applauded, but with a big chance of becoming presidents.

Amidst all the chaos, I wonder about Brazil´s biggest issue: inequality. In my recent trip to Rio, infiltrated in my old microcosmos, I found myself surrounded by liberals and conservatives from the right wing. As a good aquarian, I sat down and listened. As a way to understand other points of view. As a sociological experiment. All of them seemed so sure to enfatize that the old government (from PT, Lula and Dilma, both left wing) had it wrong when they ¨ where giving money to vagabonds¨ - as they would curse ¨Bolsa Familia¨ - a type of social welfare to help the poorest ones. ¨They are getting my taxes and giving it to the poor¨, they say. ¨They sell the mattresses to buy drugs and alcohol, do nothing all day, then the government buys them another mattress ¨, etc.

All these people I heard, and many more I read, are so sure the poorest are poor because they want to. Like meritocracy actually existed in a country where the minimum salary is around R$900,00 and a rent in a middle class neighborhood costs R$2.000,00.

We always find ourselves discussing about welfare state and the concepts of ¨bandits¨ and ¨vagabonds¨ (they do differ a lot depending on which side of the force you are), but we always seem to miss the most important point to understand where we stand: our past.

Brazil was the last country to abolish slavery in ocidental society, in 1888. A quick Wikipedia research just told me about 40% of all the slaves brought to the Americas went to Brazil. And for instance, slavery was abolished by pure spontaneous pressure from England, that about that time was already very developed and saw in the slaves a potential market.

Imagine the picture: one day you are a slave, the next day you wake up free. But wait… you don't know how to write, to read, you don't have a place to sleep, or money to buy food. What can you do? You can sell what you have, your force, your body, in order to make some money. So what we had in Brazil was just a switch to modern slavery. No rights were ever considered to those people. And until today the only reaction the privileged seem to have is hatred when their condition seem to change a little - like happened during the 13 PT years in power.

Having that said, we also have a deep social problem. Brazil was also the only colony that became a metropolis during the XIX century. When Napoleon threatened to invade Portugal, the noble court came straight to Rio. So we still have a very provincial way of recognizing each other. Good private schools, family names, friend groups that stay the same for years - we don't have social mobility - both figuratively and literally. I speak about Rio because its my home city and the one I know the most about - but I doubt it would not fit to any other. Upper middle class lives in a little area between beach and mountains that goes from Recreio to Flamengo, in the southern zone of the city. The rest is pretty much forgotten. I admit I don't know how to get to many of the parts in the city. We are talking maybe 500k people to a city that has 7 million habitants.

So you add the ¨im superior¨ feeling from the past white noble court and bourgeoisie to the deep structural social problem, and you have a rotten, divided society. Where blacks are poor, whites are rich and they hate each other. The top of the cake is a political system built vertically from up. Even when we changed our system to a Republic, it never had a dialogue with civic society, people were never a part of it. And they still aren't.  Its not hard to see it, just read the newspapers everyday about how politics are done: to satisfy personal interests of maybe 100 families.

Our Republic has only 128 years old, and on its little history, it was never stable. We had until now 3 coups. And more than once the narratives were changed to fit neoliberal standards imposed by imperialistic agenda in order to make villains seem good guys, and vice versa.

Add that the fact that the population grew from 15 million in 1889 to 190 million in 2015. So we basically have 3rd and 4th generation of the freed slaves still living like slaves - but in the postmodern era. They are not beaten by their employers (and I don't even want to get deep in the efforts our illegitimate president has been doing to make it harder to prove slavery just to satisfy big ruralists), but surely from their condition - working 2 jobs just to be able to pay for a college at night, for those who have the patience to struggle. I wouldn't. I admire those people. And we still have retards who are against racial quotas in Universities.

We, the privileged, have a lot to be sorry for. We should shut up and let changes be done, after all, they would be good to everybody. Imagine if you didn't have to fence up your house anymore? Or pay the exclusive security for your kids? Imagine everybody just riding their bikes, going to the beach without worrying of being stolen, living a simple, stressless life? Its not tropical escapism. We could do it. We can do it. We only need to stop being arrogant, so attached to monarchy standards, have empathy towards others and not think that an old military conservative idiot will solve our problems selling cheap ideology. Other countries have seen this before, and we don't need to learn the hard way - if we already aren't.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

How did we get so used to putting up with Hollywood bullshit?

Yesterday I went to the movies to watch the new ¨Blade Runner¨. I confess I wasn't much excited, I was never a fan. But the new version had me curious about its mixed reviews, and like a hipster movie nerd, 88% on Rotten Tomatoes convinced me - and the fact that Roger Deakins was the photography director.

Right on the beginning, I already felt something really weird about it. Cant we get enough of Ryan Goslings face? This time he had more botox than ever - I could not help to think why and how K. would give himself that much of those injections. We could be here forever talking about how the movie industry recicles its ´´golden faces´´ (more and more golden with years of fake bronzing) just to sell more tickets - but this is not the point today.

But, back to the movie, I was extremely disappointed - not only with the movie in itself, but with the hype built around it. If Blade Runner, one of the most expected movies in years, was done with that lack of interest in touching contemporary issues - what can we expect of the rest of this industry?

I could be over details forever, but just to start we can talk about the male and female characters. The male ones are build up on conflicts and the movie really takes its time (almost 3 hours oh god) to explain and go deep on those issues - but the female ones are flat like pancakes.  And going another layer down, the main hero saga we see here is basically a man searching for his alleged mother - the same way Harrison Ford´s character issue is with his loved one - just to show her in a little scene, reduced to an image.

The movie then becomes a poor Edipian quest lived by K. and it does not forget to forget enough the females involved.  Even in the end, when the apparent truth comes and we find out the special one is the girl - the ´´dream maker´´- Ford goes to visit her, and guess what? She is an amazing creator, but underrated and locked. She has no will. Just like all of us have been in this world for ages - being responsible for life, food, love; creating the most essential things, and forgotten for the rest. And oh, last but not least, the Jared Leto character that seems to be there just for the girl not to be the real boss?

Does the movie address this to make it a point? I don't really think so. It could be an argument just the way it suits ´´mother!´´ - but bottom line it only replicates patriarcal structures all over again, in both cases.

And to make this even more interesting we have the Harvey Weinstein case. Even the story itself, published by the NY times, seemed like a male type of revenge - Ronan Farrow on his father, Woody Allen - that had his career rebooted by Harvey when the sexual assault allegations against him were coming out to public back in the 90s. My main point here is - even when the story is about women, man end up taking the protagonism.

So I had all this information on my mind this week and thought: ¨Hey, this all together makes a lot of sense.¨ Hollywood is an environment completely hostile to women. It has now shown us that if you want to succeed and keep succeeding you have not to only be part of some kinda ridiculous situation with a producer wanting to harass you, but to keep your mouth shut with everything you see and hear. I am imagining Harvey is only the tip of the iceberg. Last time I read the list there were about 30 actresses involved - now I imagine how many other producers, directors, screenwriters etc perpetuate the same attitudes. As a daydreamer my mind got far far away and it turned into a nightmare just to think about it. As a theater student that gave up on acting when had a glimpse of how unfair and disastrous this business could be, I am really happy about the fact that nothing ever happened to me, because I would have stepped up - and probably be banned or hated or whatever. Even when I knew all the casting producers, I would not get any parts and I would not understand why, despite always having the feeling that something weird and sketchy was going on. Now I completely understand it: they already knew I was not the type that could put up with these situations, so I could not fit it.

Brazil is not Hollywood, but the patriarcal dominating relationships and structures are everywhere. USA calls itself a developed country, so in theory should have less issues about equality - we can now observe that is not true. If in one of the richest, most powerful and most glamorous industries in the world women are treated like trash - both on and offscreen - how is it in the lowest points of America, where we can't see? Or the lowest points of Brazil? I don't even wanna get to that point.

My question here is: We know enough. Why do we keep on putting up with all this Hollywood bullshit? We want real female characters with female directors, female PRODUCERS and female CEOs running the studios. I mean, I have never witnessed  or heard about a woman harassing a guy the way Weinstein did. If you are not sure this is a male patriarcal game to pretend to themselves and the world they are superior (because in fact they are not), well, I am assuring you now.

But more than that, we deserve movies with real issues - not poor metaphors about how to sell ideology in a postmodern era with a Botoxed protagonist.

[maybeishouldretire-blog]

How mixed feelings became my main emotion after turning 25

Turning 25, a lot of things started happening to me, or, well, from me. First I started thinking about the future in a consistent racional way - the 30s are not that far anymore babe - and I saw myself staring at families in restaurants and actually think now babies are kinda cute. Besides, I was for the first time in a looong time single and away from my family and friends. It all happened because I graduated in University, didn't have a steady job and had broken up a relationship from 4 years - so I was a mess and didn't know what to do with myself.

I went to Madrid to start a Masters. As I have a Portuguese citizenship, its pretty easy for me to stay in Europe, I just need a job. Having that in mind, when i jumped on the plane to Spain I was absolutely sure I wasn't going to come back any time soon. That was probably the last time I was 100% sure about something. And I was wrong.

After that, I started considering making plans and tracing objectives in a way to try to reach my 30s the way I desired. Well, turns out  I don't even know what ¨the way I desire¨ means anymore.

Since you are a kid, everybody asks you what do you want to be when you grow up, and we are always so sure, even when we have no idea. Then you go to college and see yourself only wanting to get drunk with your friends and have unprotected sex but having to make literally life decisions. How can I choose what to do for the rest of my life if I can't even decide between the red or the black cropped top? But when you are 18 you simply don't care that you don't know, cause you still have a lot of time to find out in the way. ¨Not with 25, though¨. Thats the scariest voice in my mind.

So back to my story, I was living for 7 months in Madrid when I went to Rio spend the Carnival. It was the first time I felt the ¨mixed feelings¨ experience really loud inside me. I explain: I was really excited to be with all my loved ones, missing them - but at the same time identity less. I wasn't feeling like a Brazilian anymore, but nonetheless Spanish. I was eager to go, but at the same time already wanted to go back to my privacy, room, stuff. I was in an existencial limbo between what I had left behind and what I was trying to build for me without knowing if it would ever be consistent or just temporary (cause I hadn't decided if I was going back or not. I still didn't).

Back in Rio, I felt sure I was not the same. Going to my parents house felt like a nightmare way bigger that I had imagined. All of the sudden their lifestyle wasn't compatible with mine - the condos, the cars, the fences, the neighborhood - everything felt like a ridiculous attempt to ensure social status - while I was going on the other way - reading about queer theories and paying 5 cents for a plastic bag every time I would go to the market.

So yeah, I was having mixed feelings about my parents. I sure loved them, but until what level? Can affection really overcome different points of view? When your ideals are everything you have left to stuck to, what can you put up with when you see everything that you have become in opposition with what you had and were?

And then the mixed feelings about my friends. Just to contextualize, I grew in a Miami wannabe like neighborhood, except for the fact that Rio de Janeiro is a really unequal city. So I was used to going in and out closed condos, not walking in the streets (what streets? We only have big boulevards in Barra) and meeting my friends in shopping malls. Studied in a priest school. Remembering and writing this seems like a script for a bad adolescent drama movie, which I think could suit very well my teenage years.

So, meeting my friends was really frustrating. I heard from a colleague that lived many years abroad that coming back feels like a hangover. You live so many things, meet so many people, change so much, and then you go back and everybody and everything is still the same. I never felt more disconnected to the place and people I used to know, but still loved them so much. I didnt wanna talk about Kim Kardashian or how would I look like with a nose done, but at the same time didnt wanna seem like a ¨straight outta Soviet Union¨ type of girl, mumbling about our politicians and marxist theories.

Mixed feelings.

After that trip, the ¨mixed feelings¨ experience took over my life for good - I wasn't able anymore to feel completely happy or sad about anything - except when Im in Panorama Bar dancing  after taking some illicit substances - and it even got to the point where I cry and laugh at the same time - I start crying for some reason and laugh at myself for being so miserable or ridiculous. Now I always seem to have this distant, non personal and a little cynic reaction about everyone and everything. Digging into myself to find out why, I get to the (possible) conclusion that I am disenchanted about life and its paths. It does not matter if you try rationally to build your way - life swaps you and turns you around anytime, anywhere. You can TRY to seem like you have control of it - but its just an illusion. You see the tip of the existentialism abyss here?

About the future, I know, we all have anxiety, specially us Millennials, who are proven now to be the first generation that will not outgrow our parents wealth and maybe never be able to buy an apartment. I do get mixed feelings about my anxiety, too, one day loving the fact that I still have free time to write things like this article, and another hating myself for not having started working when I was 21 and still depend on my parents to have a roof over my head. And oh, I have anxiety about having mixed feelings.

So maybe this is just a Millennial way to react to our sour social reality of ¨surelessness¨. How can we feel something for real if we don't even know what is real anymore? Ill stop this text here cause its already causing me too much mixed feelings, I don’t know where  my point is. Fuck.