maybeleas

[maybeleas]

"defend your thesis" why are you attacking my thesis

[maybeleas]

Good morning, you have to be the thing that saves you

[maybeleas]

“There’s a Japanese phrase that I like: koi no yokan. It doesn’t mean love at first sight. It’s closer to love at second sight. It’s the feeling when you meet someone that you’re going to fall in love with them. Maybe you don’t love them right away, but it’s inevitable that you will.”

— Nicola Yoon, The Sun Is Also a Star

[maybeleas]

Studying is hard work, but it's all worth it when you finally get the grades you deserve.

[maybeleas]

Good morning, you have to be the thing that saves you

[maybeleas]

do you ever just go about your day, doing your things, reading, scrolling on your phone, doing all these mundane tasks, and suddenly it just hits you that you are irrevocably and utterly alone and no one is there for you in any way and it makes your blood just curdle and your heart tightens in your chest and your eyes fill with tears. when will loneliness ever feel less cruel. why do humans crave it so much, and why can't I ever seem to dull the ache in my heart. I yearn for companionship and friendship like a child begging for the last treat. oh god, when will I stop asking for this humanly pain

[maybeleas]

sometimes the only thing to do is just to start. no matter how overwhelming, scary or frustrating it can be to imagine the road ahead, the most significant thing you can do is to just start. there is no other solution. you can read up on it to be prepared, spend days planning it, draft what your ideas are, but unless you start, it will always irrevocably feel like you're about to conquer a mountain and all this delayed planning just makes the road seem harder than it is. once you start, begin, put that first foot forward, that's half of the journey to where you are going and where you'll be.

so, let's just start whatever it is our tiny little human hearts yearn for and let the journey bring you to the highest of pedestals and corners of the worlds we all dream to go.

[maybeleas]

Is a dead body still too much for you?

As the years pass in a dizzying blur, growing in my age,

I feel myself turn smaller and smaller by the hour,

I’m shrinking so fast and yet I still feel like I’m huge,

I turn myself inside out, upside down, 360 to be your person,

I shave the parts of myself off that became too much for people,

The anger issues, sadness, running my mouth off because I didn’t like silence

I buried all these ugly parts of who I was to make people comfortable, 

Uncomfortable at even the thought of causing any discomfort for the other person.

But the list of things that you didn’t like just grew and grew and grew.

So, I kept removing parts of myself you didn’t like, 

Would you even recognize who I am anymore?

But did you even notice I was doing this at all?

Did you notice the overflowing trash can in the back of the building,

With scraps and remnants of who I used to be?

Despite my ugliness, it was still who I was. 

I left myself vulnerable and crumbled everything,

Only to still be undesirable. 

Was it ever noticeable how transparent I’ve become over these years?

A ghost putting on a sheet over my head so I wouldn’t fade into the wall,

Or were you just more comfortable living with ghosts?

Silent but present enough to make you not feel alone?

After being told I was a burden, too much, too overwhelming,

Too fulfilling for someone who didn’t have enough on their hands to hold all of me,

I decided I would just kill myself for the convenience. 

I killed my entire self for you. I love you so much. I killed who I was. 

All you saw was a dead body. 

 But you barely noticed that the dead body was me.

Dragged myself out of the grave and picked some pieces up,

The pieces you said you liked once,

I walked around with my head in my hand, offering what I have left,

Extending what everybody told me was acceptable now. 

Thinking and re-thinking constantly all my actions, words, thoughts,

Too paranoid it would be too much, too much, too much. 

A dead body would be too much. 

Alive, I was too much.

A ghost? I was too much.

I can barely stand now. I have nothing left.

Can you see that? I’m begging for you to see that. 

I was a giant, standing proud and tall,

Now I’m a fraction of my height at the fear of making people run from me.

I’m carrying tiny, tiny bags of my own self,

As tiny as I could cram in heart-shaped trinkets for you to keep in your pocket,

Proposing to anybody who wouldn’t be scared of myself,

I’m selling at an empty road,

Spilling my entire self on the pavement of previously busy streets.

While everybody was cornered on feeling overflowed,

I had to hide the feeling of being absolutely, completely, barren. 

You had too much but you were alive, while I had to survive on barely anything.

Now I’m the smallest person in the world. 

I’m scared I’m going to dissapear one day as I keep carving my own dead body

[maybeleas]

Leave, or be left?

To leave is to go.

To be left is to remain.

The words to explain someone leaving vs someone being left will never be the same, 

‘Congratulations on your new work promotion!’

vs

‘Sorry to hear that they’re leaving you for work’

People leave all the time,

To go to new places and new people,

Fresh surroundings, multi-colour lights,

A shift in their position,

A shift in their perspective.

Nobody talks of the person they left behind,

The person that remains stuck in the same place,

Surrounded by the same people,

Beige, bland walls and dull lights,

Experiencing the bigger shift,

The human-shaped absence in their heart,

Expanding with each ticking of a second.

While you’re seeing new things,

I’m stuck seeing you everywhere I turn.

While you’re seeing new people, new friends, new colleagues,

I’m alone in my room, clinging to your diminishing presence.

While you’re breaking away,

I’m one step away from breaking down.

I’m not selfish,

I would never stop you from going, I let you go.

In that same breath of a decision, I knew that I let a piece of myself go.

You’re leaving, and leaving me.

I can’t explain,

To people that are always use to leaving.

They tell me it’s wonderful, the rush of a new place,

The unfamiliarity of new faces,

The not-knowing merging into the knowing.

They don’t understand,

When I tell them I’m the person that gets left.

I’m the person that gets held down at the same place,

Forced to withdraw you out of my mind like an addiction,

I’m the person that has to remain,

Remain in the past, clinging to shreds of memories,

Hopeful you’ll return the same you I’ve always loved,

Or you’ll return to the same me, one you realize you can’t love again anymore.

‘Just leave! Go!’

They keep telling me

In this two-way transacation,

There will be always someone that gets left,

and there will always be someone that gets to leave.

I’ve been left too many times,

Far too often by far too many people.

Maybe it’s written on my face, how easy it is to leave me,

Or maybe I’m just someone not worth remaining for.

How I’ve gotten so used to being left.

Possibly that’s why I have too many past faces I cling to,

Too many people making me remain in my place for them.

Even through this pain,

The thought of leaving is still a thought I can’t fathom,

Even if I had no one to leave behind.

But I’d have to leave all the past reflections of myself,

The person I am, and yet will always be,

Is a person that gets left,

Even when I decide to leave.

[maybeleas]

I AM HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING. HOW IS THIS ADULT CONTENT? HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

[maybeleas]

For years I asked, pleaded for a chance to own my work. Instead I was given an opportunity to sign back up to Big Machine Records and ‘earn’ one album back at a time, one for every new one I turned in. I walked away because I knew once I signed that contract, Scott Borchetta would sell the label, thereby selling me and my future. I had to make the excruciating choice to leave behind my past. Music I wrote on my bedroom floor and videos I dreamed up and paid for from the money I earned playing in bars, then clubs, then arenas, then stadiums. 

Some fun facts about today’s news: I learned about Scooter Braun’s purchase of my masters as it was announced to the world. All I could think about was the incessant, manipulative bullying I’ve received at his hands for years. 

Like when Kim Kardashian orchestrated an illegally recorded snippet of a phone call to be leaked and then Scooter got his two clients together to bully me online about it. (See photo) Or when his client, Kanye West, organized a revenge porn music video which strips my body naked. Now Scooter has stripped me of my life’s work, that I wasn’t given an opportunity to buy. Essentially, my musical legacy is about to lie in the hands of someone who tried to dismantle it.

This is my worst case scenario. This is what happens when you sign a deal at fifteen to someone for whom the term ‘loyalty’ is clearly just a contractual concept. And when that man says ‘Music has value’, he means its value is beholden to men who had no part in creating it. 

When I left my masters in Scott’s hands, I made peace with the fact that eventually he would sell them. Never in my worst nightmares did I imagine the buyer would be Scooter. Any time Scott Borchetta has heard the words ‘Scooter Braun’ escape my lips, it was when I was either crying or trying not to. He knew what he was doing; they both did. Controlling a woman who didn’t want to be associated with them. In perpetuity. That means forever. 

Thankfully, I am now signed to a label that believes I should own anything I create. Thankfully, I left my past in Scott’s hands and not my future. And hopefully, young artists or kids with musical dreams will read this and learn about how to better protect themselves in a negotiation. You deserve to own the art you make.

I will always be proud of my past work. But for a healthier option, Lover will be out August 23. 

Sad and grossed out,

💔

Taylor

[maybeleas]

being alone.

I just started my undergraduate studies last week, and all of my close friends from my foundation years are in separate courses from me. A sudden fear of being alone throughout my three and a half years here started to haunt me. The thought of having to go through this feeling, all alone, made me feel somehow small. I am a person of familiarity, and I’ve gotten familiar to being with the people I’ve become closed with. 

As the days went by, one singular thought occupied my mind. That, there is nothing lonely in being alone. There shouldn’t be anything lonely in being alone. Sometimes, when you’re growing up, you have to start becoming comfortable with the idea of being alone, being left by and leaving people. Everyone is growing, and the thing they don’t tell us about growing up is that sometimes people leave. Everyone is expanding their circles, and unfortunately, you’re not going to be included in that circle. Same goes to you. At times you’ll realize that the friend that you had at 18 isn’t actually suitable for your circle when you’re 20, and that’s okay. 

You’re going to essentially start becoming your own person, and that journey can be pretty lonely at times. Take your time to realize that some journeys in your life you will need to conquer alone, and that is 100% okay. You WILL be okay.

People aren’t always going to be 100% available to you, and that’s how it is. You’re also not going to be 100% available to people at times too. You will still go on your day without the people you used to call your best friends. You can still have a good day despite being alone the entire day. It’s time to learn to be grateful and to genuinely enjoy the company of yourself. People will always be there and you’ll see that you’ll open up to even more people when you don’t ground yourself to the same group of people all your life. People will come when they’re meant too, but the most important thing is the journey you’ll take with yourself. That’s what matters most. 

Here’s to being alone, and living the best time in your life. Here’s to being alone, yet still having meaningful relationships because you know that, the people around you can be temporary. You are permanent. When you need to be alone, you’ll realize you’ll find home in that feeling. It’ll take time, but you’ll get there. 

[maybeleas]

first day of my undergraduate studies! day 1 out of another 3 and a half years as a physics major. sort of scared, but hopefully i’ll be okay, sooner or later. here’s to having a good semester. oh! happy ramadhan to all 💗

[maybeleas]

That’s a deep… dock.

by Penzilla

Tumblr: @pennypenzilla

[maybeleas]

ha?

every single person who reblogs this

every

single

person

will get “doot doot” in their ask box

[maybeleas]

“All Too Well” was never a single, and it always blows my mind that it is consistently one of the loudest songs the crowd sings when I play it. Moments like this defined the Reputation Stadium Tour for me, and I can’t wait for you to see it in full starting at 12:01 AM December 31, pacific

[maybeleas]

Rape Escape

Easy and very effective

Requires nothing but your body

Includes attack