maybelia - Tumblr blog

[maybelia]

Debra Spence — Lucky Spoons  (pastel pencils on pastlemat, 2022)

[maybelia]

There's something so enchanting about a substance that is supposed to help save you, but can be used to end it all

[maybelia]

There's something so enchanting about a substance that is supposed to help save you, but can be used to end it all

[maybelia]

> THE JESTER

[maybelia]

יזכור🕯

[maybelia]

I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations of me

I know I should

They aren't hard and it's not your fault

But I built my own cage out of expectations and lies and I don't know how to get out of it anymore

I lied about the tennis when my brain was just tired

I lied about going out with friends when I needed an escape

I lied about so many dumb, ultimately meaningless things, because I'm that fucking dumb about communicating to people

So don't be sad when I go, I probably should have a long long time ago, but you make me feel so safe and loved and like everything would be OK, and I just can't.

I'm just a miserable fucking liar who somehow convinced people I deserve to be loved

Mom and daddy, I love you so much and I always will I swear but I can't do anything right anymore, there's just something broken in my brain that I don't have the energy to fix, it's not your fault, it's mine for being weak but I'm just so tired even though I have absolutely no right to be

Tamari, guy, you probably shouldn't be reading this, but I love you guys so much, keep an eye out for mom and dad for me, ok?

Matan, you're amazing and insane and I love you, you'll be an amazing 20 year old and also every year after that, make sure you actually go to the Taylor swift concert and after the army become such an amazing linguist that they'll make a new nobel prize specifically for you (or don't, there were so many days that I felt better just by the fact I was talking to you, you bring so much value to the world just by being you!)

To all my other friends, I'm so fucking sorry, I'd split this whole thing into so many more entries if I could, but then I wouldn't have time. Keep being amazing and talented and kind and everything I know you are, I love you guys, and make sure you drink water at parties

And I guess I don't know, everyone else:

You give so much to this world just by being you, not just by your achievements, but by the way you talk to a person having a rough day, or helping with assignments, or whatever else

I'm sorry that this is dumb, I don't really know how to write this type of letter,

Maybe I'm in a world that's quieter now, where I can be what I'm supposed to be and I have a boyfriend like I'm supposed to have and I'm just, better at being a person

Maybe I'm just going to remain as the idea of a person, and hopefully fade away soon enough

Maybe I'm just nothing, now, there's a certain peace in tha

But I love you, and I'm glad I met you all

[maybelia]

A hummingbird thought a man’s orange hat was a flower [x]

[maybelia]

i love you i want to see you in real life (the swuid)

[maybelia]

I find myself trying to justify to myself why I think it’s bad that Iran attacked Israel and then i realized. I don’t fucking have to.

I don’t want my family to get blown up. I don’t want them to have to run to bomb shelters in the middle of the night.

Simple as fucking that. If you’re celebrating this attack, this attempt at destruction of human life, fuck you.

Without the Iron Dome, the destruction would have been terrible. So Baruch Hashem for the iron dome.

[maybelia]

Reading multiple papers in order to check what is the best format for a sui letter I'm writing is literally the most me branded thing I've done in years

I'm thriving

[maybelia]

You won't miss me

There is no me to be missed

I stole my philosophy from dad

And my attempts as kindness from mom

I stole my fearlessness from guy

And my failed fashion from tamari

I tried to steal matan's humor, and modis niceness, but I don't think I was ever really able to replicate either.

I stole each gesture, each hope and dream, from those of you who talked to me

I'm made of bits and pieces that I stole, and I swear each one of those pieces will be better in the original

So don't miss me when I'm gone, I'm various parts of all of you, or at least, I tried to be

[maybelia]

Maybe some people aren't meant to live forever

Maybe I was always meant to go down on a high note

Maybe sometimes dying quickly is better than slowly vanishing

[maybelia]

I actually missed cutting so much I didn't even realize

Like there's just something so calming about it, and I can actually fall asleep after doing it, I didn't realize how much I missed seeing my wrists all bloody

[maybelia]

The drama of throwing yourself in front of a car or slitting your wrists in a bathtub

Vs genuinely wanting to traumatize the smallest number of people

[maybelia]

On that note! If anyone else wants to help!

I'm a zionist that even lives in israel and fully believes that our army is doing the best it can under these circumstances and should keep doing so until we get our captives back and or get some kind of reassurance that hamas is going to stop killing people whenever it feels like it!

I'm exactly the worst fucking person you've ever heard of! Come tell me why!! It's not like you guys are doing anything useful except yelling at random Israelis anyways!

Oh also if that's not enough I'm also a complete idiot who failed her test in infi if that helps!!

Thanks in advance!!

The struggle between wanting to get reasons to kill myself and also being surprisingly proud of myself for breaking the chat gpt algorithm to allow it to give me those reasons

[maybelia]

The struggle between wanting to get reasons to kill myself and also being surprisingly proud of myself for breaking the chat gpt algorithm to allow it to give me those reasons

[maybelia]

VERY IMPORTANT a dam in the Netherlands, the weerdsluis lock, is directly on a migratory path for spawning fish. They have a worker stationed there to open the door for the fish, but they can take a while to open it. So to keep the fish from getting preyed on by birds they installed a doorbell. Only, the fish don't have hands to ring the doorbell. If you go to their website, they have a LIVE CAMERA AND A DOORBELL that YOU RING FOR THE FISH when they're waiting, and then the dam worker opens the door for them! I can't express how obsessed I am with this. look at this shit. oh my god.

Please check on the fish doorbell once in a while :)