mayhallius

[mayhallius]

Me 20 years in the future:

“Son, these are my AO3 fan fics. I’ll let you read them when you’re older if I’ve decided that you’re gang and not the opps”

[mayhallius]

[mayhallius]

No, okay, but like what if the gorilla had prep time?

[mayhallius]

No you don’t understand, my brain tells me I HAVE to paint my nails

✨✨✨ Or else ✨✨✨

[mayhallius]

Tf you mean you’re not bi? You’re under 24????

[mayhallius]

Man, it’s so late

I think I might be in love with her for real this time

[mayhallius]

It’s not sexual harassment if it’s his job

(I’ve been in for 6 colonoscopies this week)

[mayhallius]

Watching YouTube shorts late at night makes me feel infertile

[mayhallius]

People with ADHD shouldn’t be allowed to buy cargo pants. I shouldn’t have to watch you go 0 for 6 on which pocket your keys are in

[mayhallius]

Really torn up about the fact that my life can never truly pass the Bechdel Test

[mayhallius]

The Minecraft cow watching as I slaughter his entire family knowing that his AI won’t allow him to run until I’ve hit him once first (I am holding a sharpness V netherite axe named “godslayer”)

[mayhallius]

Turning your head at a concert is like playing Russian roulette with your nose except there are 6 different, equally life-ending caliber bullets in the chamber

[mayhallius]

The crowd reaction to the first time someone ever said “in your dreams” must have been electric

[mayhallius]

I fear the day my future children find out how well-documented my college years are

[mayhallius]

^how I’ll look in 10-20 years when my child tells me “dad, I’m hungry” and I don’t say anything, knowing I have finally broken the cycle (I still ain’t feeding him tho)

[mayhallius]

*GASP* REALLY??!?

[mayhallius]

Oh please, God, let me get Final Destination-ed that would be sick as hell