mayseeyu-blog - Tumblr blog

[mayseeyu-blog]

jesus christ i am so tired of feeling so bad and feeling so fucking down all the time. i do things, i hang out with friends and laugh and everything. i do EVERYTHING that makes everyone else feel just fine. god this year is going to suck. school is going to suck. life is going to fucking suck. i honestly don't know how i could ever last two years here. I have to leave, I have to get out of this god damn school and this god damn city. everything is so repetitive and i am so sick of it. everyone talks shit about people they don't even know, if you don't like someone just don't think about them. everyone thinks they are THE SHIT for wearing cute clothes and for smoking with charlie and just I'm tireeeeddd of them of all of them. god, i don't think i can last two more years

[mayseeyu-blog]

Thaw

I’m cold again. Is it the drugs? The adderall, the nicotine, the alcohol? Is it just who I am now? Am I just cold now?

Cold skin. Cold thoughts. Cold heart. Cold everything. I just might be cold now.

[mayseeyu-blog]

What?

I’m okay

Then I’m not.

Then I crash.

Then I crack a little bit more.

Just let me stay high or drunk or laughy or smiley or good or goddamn just okay.

Just okay all the time. Please

[mayseeyu-blog]

How To Deal With Blah Blah

I should be an actor.

I act normal every day. I talk with friends. I ask questions in class. I ask my dad about work. I sing happy birthday. I smile. I laugh. 

I act every day. All day.

“How?” A question you might ask. Who knows? I have no clue.

Maybe I am good at suppressing things, at compartmentalizing. Maybe the problem isn't as bad as I make it seem sometimes. Maybe I just have a gift. Who knows? I certainly dont.

Sometimes I think about talking with my friends about this stuff. Talking with my parents. Going to see a therapist. But fuck that, I can handle myself.

Or at least, I’m handling myself right now. 

Sometimes I think maybe these are thoughts everyone has. If thats true then the world must be pretty damn depressing. Sometimes I think maybe I blow everything out of proportion, that sounds like something I would do. 

I could go on like this. For a little. Sooner or later something needs to change. New friends? New sport? New club? New outlook? Who knows? All I know is something has to happen.

[mayseeyu-blog]

Underlying Blah Blah

I have no idea

If i’m better,

worse,

exactly the same,

as everyone else.

I have no idea

If my thoughts are normal,

It its all just bullshit I imagine and nothing real is wrong.

I have no idea

what I would do if nothings wrong with me.

That would be worse than anything.

If nothings wrong,

Then there is nothing I can do.

No solution.

Just an unsolvable problem.

I can’t just be a problem.

[mayseeyu-blog]

Blah Blah Blah Blah

I’m tense.

My muscles wont relax.

I can’t stop tearing up.

I move slowly.

I’m freezing.

Somehow I’m numb though.

I would trade anything to get rid of the numb,

To feel.

Feel again?

Because I don’t remember feeling something real.

Something good.

Something bad.

Something touching.

Anger.

Passion.

Fear.

My eyes go blurry with tears and I want to stay like this forever because at least when my eyes are foggy and uncertain and useless I am seeing what I am feeling. “Feeling”

[mayseeyu-blog]

Blah Blah Blah Blah

I’ve always wondered how people jump -

In front of trains,

Off buildings.

Today,

As I stood waiting for the train to take me home

(The same goddamn train I take every day),

I thought about how easy it must be to jump - 

In front of a train,

Off a building.

Then I thought about whats holding me back,

Whats stopping the momentum already building in my head,

And the first thing that popped into my head...

“AP Gov Exam is tomorrow”

I laughed

And then everything became worse than it was before I started thinking.

I should just stop thinking.

Now the momentum starts again,

slower, but started.

Can it all be wiped away?

Can the movement be stopped for good?

Will the thoughts and feelings and numbness and nothingness build and build and build and build?

Can I be new?

Can I change?

Can I change it?

Will it change me?

Will it just break me?

JUST STOP THINKING.

just stop?

JUST STOP...

[mayseeyu-blog]

Blah Blah Blah Blah

I’ve cracked,

I think it might last a while

I’ve always been fractured,

Always on the brink of falling.

Jumping maybe.

But I think I’ve cracked now and I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know.

I don’t know anything.

I just want to know

[mayseeyu-blog]

How does someone write a song that so perfectly describes me?

[mayseeyu-blog]

[mayseeyu-blog]

And

pretty and ugly

independent and needy 

anything but and everything and

more and more and too much for me 

I want more

but I know that others have less

I am always sad, anxious 

but I know others have it worse

I am weak,

I hate that I am,

but how do I become strong?

[mayseeyu-blog]

done

[mayseeyu-blog]

----

next to you,

I only think about you

no thought enters my mind

apart from your eyes your lips your tongue your skin

it does not matter if the sun

blankets us with warmth,

heating the fire burning in me 

for you

it does not matter if the sun 

hides behind the clouds ignoring us,

shadowing everything thats not

for you

next to you

I think of nothing but you

I am nothing

alone, without you

I can't think

about anything but your eyes your lips your tongue your skin

it does not matter if my name is being shouted

all that matters are your eyes your lips your tongue your skin

it does not matter if I’m alone

if I have ben alone for hours for days for weeks for years

all that matters are your eyes your lips your tongue your skin

it does not matter if I’m on fire

if I have not eaten in days in weeks in years

if I break every bone in my body

all that matters are your eyes your lips your tongue your skin

alone, without you

I think of nothing but you

I am nothing

with or without or with or without or with or without or with or without or with or with or with or with or with or

without

[mayseeyu-blog]

[mayseeyu-blog]

want want want want want want need

Maybe some sparkling pizza?