mcbex

[mcbex]

**Getting on your knees**

...The dark spots you see on the pavement are my tears. Tears of trust, of strength and of hope for things yet to come. How did I get here? Why now and why does it feel like He's giving me just the smallest taste of a life I truly want? Feels like another endeavor in patience but it also feels like answered prayers...

While waiting for my kids to finish having the time of their lives doing cart wheels and daring each other to dance at their end of the year gala I had some time to kill before emerging as a taxi driver for a few of the kids I lovingly consider my extended family. I took advantage of my time alone in the downtown street of Brunswick. I popped my shows off and walked in the grass, I people watched and generally enjoyed being outside, not alone and freezing at dawn for the first time in months. However it wasn't long before I found myself at the foot of church steps questioning God on His timing while I also complexly thanked him for showing up at all. I couldn't resist the urge to kneel down in front of the stone statue of Mary and bear my soul freely and out loud. Normally I'm shy about things like that. Public displays always feel showy or insincere. Realistically it might have been more garish had it not been 930pm, dark and otherwise a quiet corner I found myself in. Nevertheless an action in faith is an action no matter who's watching.

Honestly it's not the first time I've ended up here. 20 years ago I found myself in a similar situation. I had been driving around looking for a spot to stop and pray. I found a tiny church in the middle of nowhere. I pulled over, got out of my car and kneeled on the steps of the locked doors because I needed God, I needed His house and needed to remember exactly who I belong to and where I'm going. Time and time again I find myself here. Crying on the steps on my faith knowing He has it all worked out. Knowing the plan is not mine to see, only experience.

This night, kneeling there I felt overwhelmed by my love for God and the roots He's nestled in me while I have patiently waited these past years for some direction. Hoping for guidance more than just "be still". I mean He's never even said please be still. Yet against my better judgement I've somehow managed to make it this far riding on the coat tails of stillness in the face of silence... so much silence. Lately though the things I've been praying for seem to have become engaged. So much so that I begin to wonder if this is what all the waiting has been for. To grow my roots and allow absolute trust in whatever He's got up His robe sleeves. I knelt there and thanked him for the roots that are now grown so deep that it feels as though nothing could shake me because when I am stirred and rocked I send those issues to his feet instead of holding them close like I had been doing all those years before.

I think Robert Frost said it best, "two roads diverge in a yellow wood... and I took the one less traveled by". Except he misses the point because there are more than 2 roads. There is the obvious My will, and then there is Society's will. All the complicated things that ensue with following ourselves or following the world should be implied here. But what about the third road. Following God. Even when the darkness sets in all around you and consumes your exits. What about Him? What about the rest it takes to become a true warrior in the face of betrayal, denial, ignorance and pain. What about opening our Bibles to any page and becoming familiar with the promises and the character of our Lord.

It's a lot, I know. It's almost too much. When it seems like often we think we know the way but the path is blurry or we see the goal but the way is blocked. That's what our faith is for. To stand for us when our legs are weak, our brain wants the next new thing and our hearts yearn for fulfillment.

I kneel everyday now. I say my prayers out loud, in the corner of my room and the corridors of life. I'm not sure if this is a call to arms, or maybe just relief from a prayer repeated so many times that the ink would be rubbed away had it been written down. But I have realized the foundation laid here is solid. The core of my life has changed. Leaving me feeling like regardless of the answers I hope for the road is paved with tears of hope that lead to a life I will forever be proud to call my own because it is a gift from the one who loves me most.

Isaiah 12:2 Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.”

1Thessalonians5: 16- 18 Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1Peter 4:7 The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.

2Samuel 22: 31This God—how perfect are his deeds, how dependable his words! He is like a shield for all who seek his protection.

[mcbex]

All kinds of roulette

Forgive me for the immediate side story however it feels important to point out happenstance vs willful action. I've never played the game of roulette but I've heard there is a special skill involved that can actually lead to great success. To me however, it looks like winning might be the purest form of dumb luck, but what do I know? ...

I read that cinnamon is an excellent antioxidant and great for your joints. You should research it because it's useful to your body for a melange of reasons. This tropical tree bark is so good for you that I've begun to look at it as if it were a delicious wonder drug. Thus, a few months back I started playing a sort of roulette of my own with it. The game was to see if I could possibly use so much in my food that I might find this delectable spice overwhelming and cut back. In the mean time I figured I would gain all the health properties with zero guilt. As the months have passed I started adding it to everything. To include ordering fancy drinks just for the cinnamon stick, so I could chew on it while I sipped. While on vacation away, I even found a lavish tea called Red Hot Toddy and only purchased it because the label claimed it had an "unapologetic amount of cinnamon". Suspiciously enough it was also a 2 for 1 special, so it seems like maybe even the universe was in on my silly sport and was encouraging me to continue playing the game. I'm still trying to find the sweet spot. So far it's just been satisfying and delicious.

I find myself playing the same game only for higher stakes in other areas of life too. In this arena it's with the Holy Spirit. The gridlock of life is not private. We all seem to feel it. The unexpected changes can be frustrating. Yet, I keep reading that stillness is a way to follow God's plan and grow our roots. Along with patience and love we serve God while we spend time in the waiting places and tiny rooms of our individual lives. Thankfully He also says that while we wait He will turn sadness into joy. Which I'm finding is true but only because I put my trust solely on the back of his promises. But I ask myself- is there more I can do? When I ask God to lead me, I understand that I have to be willing to act. It all seems so simple although it also feels like its own intense game of roulette. Once I've set the little swirly ball in motion I can't second guess my choices. When it lands I need to listen, and move.

Last summer I read about a woman who was sitting in her car praying to God for 1 small sign that he could use her. She heard the Holy Spirit tell her to go stand on her head outside a convenient store right away. Confused she waited a moment but then acted fast. What harm would it cause to make a fool of herself for her faith. She did it feeling foolish and exposed. Minutes later a person came out, laughed, and thanked her for answering their prayer which was darker. That prayer was, if something didn't make them laugh today they would go home and end it all, and they were just headed home from that store. So very sad. A life was saved by the courage it took to let others think she was crazy. This story has stuck with me in a chilling and serious way. I mean, I never considered the unpredictable and strange courage you'd need or even think about using when trying to live your truest life. That grit comes to mind now as a question what can I do for God? It's not enough to listen and obey during my season of growth. I know that. The fabric of our existence is intricate and wild. The barriers people erect are steep and treacherous. No wonder we need stupid courage to do such small things. Thankfully the ears of God hear all.

I've been praying more than normal as of late. Trying to maintain my outlook that God is in control, remembering that what is for me, is for me regardless of when it arrives. The verse 1Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭17‬ keeps coming up as I work through these platitudes. "Never stop praying.” Suddenly it feels like the light in my head has turned on and I am seeing things from 30,000 feet. I've begun reaching for the courage to stand on my head in public. The fear it brings to the surface is a constant prayer to my creator to follow this elusive path.

To that end I ended up hugging a stranger on the street last week. I ran by her, but she looked off. I found myself remembering the story of that woman, and the conversations I've been having with God. I felt compelled need to talk to her. To check on her. To make sure she had what she needed in that moment. It took convincing for my feet to do what my heart wanted. I thought I don't know her, she'll think I'm crazy, who in their right mind talks to strangers on the street, who checks on people they've never met? I've watched people, they just don't do that. They keep their heads down looking at their phones or staring off into the distance. They don't want to connect. Well... most of them don't

Finally, I turned around and closed the distance that had come between us. I asked, "are you ok, do you need anything, can I give you a hug?" She opened her arms before I had finished asking and held me like we might have been sisters. So tight. I think I might have needed it as much as she did. Then I think, isn't that how He grows us. While we give to others he fills our hearts with goodness and grace. I'm pretty sure it's one of the boldest things I've ever done. But I'm going to keep doing things like that. Offering to share whatever piece of myself I can. I'm chucking the swirly ball right into the roulette of God's will and we'll just see where it lands. I'm excited to see the sort of things that will happen when I allow the Holy Spirit direct access. I'm sure strange and curious stories are in my future because we never know where He'll pull us or who has a need. It's wild uncharted territory. More instances have followed since and I find that where there was a void I was waiting for him to fill there is some kind of peace in knowing that people need a bit of crazy, they need love. Often it doesn't matter where it comes from as long as they're seen.

Jeremiah‬ ‭33‬:‭3‬ ‭ “Ask me and I will tell you remarkable secrets you do not know about things to come.”

Ephesians 5:14-17 'This is why it is said: “Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.” Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. '

1 Thessalonians 5:12-14 'Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. '

[mcbex]

*Forgetting God's Grace*

A coworker came over to my desk the other day to ask me a question. While we discussed a possible solution she noticed the bobbles on my window sill and quickly complimented what I had done with my space. Saying thank you I realize to my great pleasure that almost everything there had been a gift from someone I love. I told her this and it peaked her interest about the why and where it all had come from. Explaining everything I felt each thing was newly given and it warmed my heart once more. I had forgotten why I had placed each trinket there and had begun breezing over them with little care or concern. Letting them get baked by the sun daily, taking for granted the love that brought it to me. Of course, understandably we can't keep the meaning behind everything cinched in our view but we cannot dismiss it from our minds either. Sometimes I feel like that's how I am about God. Like I've disremembered the love he's given me. Forgetful of the gift of grace.

Later in the week I had dinner with a friend. We discussed so many things. Life goals, hardships but most importantly our conversation centered on living our life with God as our portion. Seems like I've put a lot of things out of my mind of late, as I obsess over things that are in God's hands and in his timing. I am vexed that I could ever over look such a gift as my savior dying that I might live. Suddenly I am consumed by the recognition of God's word and his portion bouncing off me as if I am impenetrably dense. So here I am diving in again to remind myself of the portion Christ has given me.

While trying to sort out how to explain this better I typed into the google box "what is God's portion" I wanted to see what would pop up. Does AI understand the plenum of grace? First hit, first line is a quote from 2 Corinthians 3:5 "our sufficiency is of God". Meaning we cannot exist without him, we cannot breathe or step without his help. He absolutely fulfills absolutely. If this is the case then why have I stacked up my awareness of his grace in my window stashed behind me where I'm not even looking? Why have I been careless about the gifts given me?

I remember begging God for things when I was a child. Foolish unfounded things. As if God was a genie in a lamp. I mean, how often did I stare at mountains after reading that my faith could move them, totally misunderstanding the point. Mostly they were the ramblings of a teenager that I don't care much to remember. I was not aware yet of the fullness God promises to give us. I believe was oblivious to even the idea of anything making me feel complete, let alone God. I probably would have been praying for that long before now if someone could have explained it to me.

Having a portion of something sounds like a divided slice or more like a fraction of what could be. But in reality the gift of grace and in the portion he has given us, there are no bounds. No sharing and no feeling of wanting or waiting. There is only faith in knowing true love. I'm not sure I've really ever known unconditional love. The kicker is as I get closer to Christ, the less I worry about earthly love, the more I focus on the kind of energy I put back into people. Because there is no guarantee that the people I want in my life will want to stay here. Although, the gifts on my berm tell me there is love here I am trying to no longer vie for the love I'm looking for while I push aside the one person who can truly fill that spot in my heart. Jesus. I will not let this truth slip through my purview again.

2 Corinthians 3:5 'not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God; '

Psalms 16:5 ' Lord , you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. '

Psalms 23:6 'Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.'

Psalms 73:26 'My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever. '

Isaiah 40:31 'But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.'

John 3:16 ' “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.'

[mcbex]

A long slow controlled fall.

We were up at 1 am to catch the bus to the starting line. The 3 of us agree if we had known this was part of the deal we might not have signed up. If we had known the shuttle bus was non negotiable it might have been a game changer. Not that we wouldn't have planned a race together but maybe we would have picked a different one. One where we could possibly get more sleep. Our run was set to start at 6 am with a bus drop off by 5. The shuttles had a mandatory departure time of 1am-3am and there were 1000+ people in lines trying to get on. This ride began my hustle toward the finish line. A 1 hour bus ride, 1 hour standing in the dark wilderness under flood lights in the freezing cold waiting for the start and 4 hours on my feet pushing toward my goal. At times I felt strong and able-bodied other times it seemed like a controlled fall with weak legs and a steady mind.

So many situations in my life have felt similar.

Skiing for example when the ice is thick and the crowds of people seem to keep coming from behind. When there's no where to go and no where to fall. We slide, we coast and we hope we don't hit anything. Stalwart or not sometimes all I can manage is a controlled fall. At least that's what I was thinking as I navigated a sketchy piece of trail last week.

As a child situations like this would have sent into the lodge for hot chocolate and a reason to get warm. As a child it would have ruined my day. Ice is no picnic, whether it's on skis or in sneakers. Even on ice skates I question my steady stance. This time however, looking around at how all those around me are experiencing the same level of confusion as I am, I realized we are all carefully controlling our decent down a trail called obsession. I can tell you at this moment in time I was in no way obsessed with skiing.

I can't help but think about the idea of the controlled fall. The idea that we grant ourselves room to try and fail or to try and be changed, usually forever.

Skiing often feels like that but so do so many other things when I look at them closer. Adventure seekers the world around love the controlled fall by jumping out of planes in an attempt to maybe seek a rush of endorphins. I won't be jumping out of a plane anytime soon I'll stick to the more everyday kinds of falling. Like trying something new, falling in love or falling for a bad joke. Better yet my controlled fall into my love for Jesus.

I know believing in Christ isn't for everyone, although I could have a healthy debate with you on why it is. When we open ourselves up to those things bigger than anything we can understand the world gets just a little larger and cooler and well, more fantastic. But the catch is

allowing myself to enter a situation knowing it could hurt. Understanding that it definitely will change me and still moving toward it because it's worth it.

I study my bible every day. I read it and research because I have questions that I know I'll never get the answer to while I'm alive, but I read knock and the door will be opened, seek and you will find. For some reason these words stick to me. They live in my brain as a reason to allow a controlled fall for Christ.

The truth is we're all standing under flood lights in the freezing cold. Some of us have started running and falling and are willing to risk it. Personally my take is I have 1 life and the only doors closed to me are truly the ones I choose to shut. Happiness is not found in books or in the world. It is found in the controlled falling into Jesus.

I don't where I'll land. I don't know how deep it will take me. But I do know that it's not a free fall into nothingness. It's a disciplined reaction to an offer of freedom set forth by the creator. I feel that more than any other slip or slide in my life.

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56‬:‭3‬ ‭

““Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭7‬ ‭

““And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

‭‭Luke‬ ‭11‬:‭9‬

[mcbex]

Strong enough*

"I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be- I give up, I'm not strong enough. Hands of mercy won't you cover me, Oh right now I'm asking you to be strong enough, for the both of us"- Matthew West.

I would like to recognize the power of the people...

When I was younger I adored my brother. I wished I could be like him. One time while on a family vacation I heard him say the phrase "power to the people", and now the phrase is a core memory for my entire family because every clip of me on my Dad's cam-corder captured me saying this on repeat. "Power to the people!" If he was cool, I was the exact opposite and in certain circles, I have yet to live down the 9 year old me's attempt at coolness. I've given up trying. Although my attempt at claiming power back from the secular world has not diminished nearly as much. Indeed the power is in us all. We just neglect to recognize this. In the mass coercion of society I wonder if we have forgotten the god of our universe starts with a big G and can help and shape the course of our lives. Have I forgotten God? I have forgotten that his power lives in me?

Recently my Dad and I had lunch, where we talked about all sorts of things... politics included. He was angry that people who were elected to do things were waiting for Trump to take office before they are willing to lift a finger. My answer to that was, that they are fearful for lack of support. This isn't a political message so I'll stop right here with this. My point in sharing that is that it takes one person standing against evil for others to gain courage to stand. But if everyone is waiting for someone to stand up for what's right, who might our hero be. And why do so many lack the courage to be the person God created them to be?

In fact it seems at times we'll do anything to seem like the right fit for the right person, even if it's at the wrong time. Sometimes, I admit, I have even stayed quiet in the face of in justice or worse, when asking God to help me, he sends what I need to be the person I should be. Then I ignore it altogether. The heart wants what it wants and sin is a twisted family member we can't seem to kick out of the house.

I think it goes deeper than just trying to influence others. I think the meat of it is, what will I do when faced with the mortal sin of man? It takes knowing that you're right and then the willingness not to go along to get along. Further it takes the stand. Standing alone is a lot like jumping off a cliff. Will anything be there to catch you? It's a bet I'm willing to take when it comes to Christ. The power given to the people stays with the people until they give it away. However it's not easy trying to follow God's path, and be that person. Even if I do recognize being that individual should be the simplest thing, because that's who I was created to be. No, it takes a lot of hard work and discipline to even know where to start sometimes. When we pass on standing up for what's right, or our beliefs or say yes when we should have said no, we become as if we're just another lost soul. That isn't something want to be any l longer. Funny that I know I'm not really equipped for any of it. I'm not strong enough. But I know a guy who is.

William Shedd said, “A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.” Be brave. Be bold. Live your life to the fullest. God is with you. God is for you. You are not alone.

‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭13‬ “So prepare your minds for action and exercise self-control. Put all your hope in the gracious salvation that will come to you when Jesus Christ is revealed to the world.”

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

[mcbex]

The Moon

As followers of Christ we should be like the moon.

I was driving in my car the other day. It was early morning and as I drove along the highway the sun started to rise. I caught its rays in both my side view and rear view mirrors simultaneously. It was so bright I had to look away. So I concentrated on only looking forward and dodged the glare in my mirrors. As I did this I found the near full moon glowing almost as brightly through my windshield. It too was caught in the fiery rays of our nearest star. Except the moon couldn't look away. It stood tall in the combustable face of the universe and reflected back the actual glow of dirt. With this even without looking directly into the sun I can see that there is something out there acting upon our sister planetoid. A force so powerful even dust can't help but magnify it. In the literary and science world this is known as a context clue. Similar things like this exist all around us. We cannot see the wind but we can feel it. We do not know the word but through clues understand it. We cannot hold love and yet, we hold so many different kinds within our hearts. I love the moon. I love its reflection and its constant reminder that we too must glow because we love Christ.

Incidentally and only slightly related, I've come to admire people with tattoos. Merely because I don't think I've ever loved something enough to make the kind of commitment that permanent ink offers. I feel the same way about emotions as I hold onto mine ever so tightly not trusting anyone to know more than just a little. I've been trying to do better and trust more but yes I am in awe of the people who almost always say what's on their mind. Offensive or not it makes no difference. These kinds of people radiate originality. It's the shine that I'm looking for. The context clues that tell me something is what it is because it is. I begin to consider not only the way people engage with others but also the things we worship. To include things that are not of the religious context. Here you can basically fill-in that blank with the first thing you think of in the morning or the last thing you think of before bed. What is jockeying for my attention more than my worship for God? My honesty with myself defeats me because in truth I've worshipped many things that don't deserve my time. Because of that I hold the fleeting words of Ecclesiastes close as I consider this... Meaningless!

I used to think devotion to God made me weird. Praising him felt like I was an imposter. I'm sure I'm not good enough for heaven. Mostly likely everyone can tell. The criminal attitude of a believer is a tool used to keep us quiet and shut us up in tiny spaces. It is only meant to dim our passion. Then I see the 'I raise my hands in praise " people at church. I'm such a misguided person that I often used to wonder if they wanted to look like they loved God more than others. Surely they too felt doubts and fears. Maybe they are the imposters? Turns out they understood God better and merely want connection to the light of the son. Turns out they just want to shine. They are the ones fiercely standing without shade to reflect his glow just like our beloved moon. They are overwhelmed in praise. Now a days I am in awe of this kind of person too. I always wanted to feel so much love that this sort of thing would not make me self-conscious.

I realize the incandescent glow of Christ covers all of it and to really be like the moon we cannot flinch or waver me must peer into the light. Which requires hard work, and leaving traces for people to really see Christ and the work of his hand. Worshiping the creator we are made to be the thing people look for when they want evidence of the truth. Even the earth itself emits the essence of God if you look for the clues that connect everything. It's amazing to me that I ever felt strange about my faith. I'm embarrassed by the person I have been shutting up my love in a blanket. Only taking it out when I was cold. I want to be just like the moon. Fearless, confident and so enamored with his love that everything around me becomes illumated for miles. So when people see me they'll ask, Why do you shine? And you know what I'll do... I'll tell them it's because of the son.

Hebrews 11:1 To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see.

James 1:22-25 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.

[mcbex]

Keepers of the Light

I had a college professor look me square in the eyes on the last day of school some 20+ years ago and say Beck- there is one really important thing I have to tell you- he spoke some latin, smiled at my bewildered look and said that means "don't let the fuckers get you down ". He was my favorite professor. I love how this has stuck with me and how that instruction has been the single most useful piece of advice I have ever received.

Some people seem to have it together, I mean really together. I am in awe of this type of person. They are the ones we bear our souls to for guidance. They are the ones that always know what to say or more importantly when to say something. They are the ones that bear the storms with us or for us when we lack the strength. They turn their thick skin into the eye of the storms and cover us with the protection I think we are all in need of. Personally I don't usually fit in this category. My inner monologue is broken and I mostly run my mouth thinking it's ok to constantly tell people exactly how I feel. Love it or hate it, it's what's happening. Thankfully it's not generally critical feelings I'm forcing others to hear. But... it does cause confusion at times.

I turn to nature to understand the strength that these super humans seem to have in common. I want to know if it's just chance or circumstance. Quickly I see that even the macrocosm lays in wait with protective action in the eye of the tempest. To condense my findings I will just make a couple points. Reading on I found that cacti grow a thinker skin on the side that gets to most sun to protect it from dehydration. I learned plant leaves are more water proof on one side to protect from rain. Turning back to the human body I uncovered the left ventricle of your heart is thicker than the right to help pump your blood most efficiently. These are only a few of the natural defensive mechanisms found in the wild frontier that have nothing much to do with anything except scientific phenomenon. As usual simple ideas lead me to think about deeper issues. Like what if these super humans are the natural scientific and phenomenal beings that hold the light high for all of us to stay warm by. Maybe they are the side of humanity grown stronger to support the rest of us? After all we are all symbiotically related.

For lack of a better name these people are Keepers of the Light. Here to help us all see a little clearer, feel a little safer and hope a little longer. The crazy thing about this is that we all hold this title at different moments in our lives. We are all asked daily to sacrifice a little of ourselves for the common good. It could be our time, our ears or maybe our money. On any scope it's about an offering of good will and leaving a piece of ourselves behind so others have what they need. Sometimes it might just be a contribution of obligation, yet the right words at a given time is a game changer.

I've been protecting my light. Avoiding answering what I felt was an arbitrary call to be the person bonding some things together. I am fearful of the common idiot, that is untrustworthy and hard pressed to understand more than just surface. In this I have been selfish in protecting pieces of me from those that might dim my shine. I think now maybe that's the worst thing any of us can do. Knowing my worth in Christ means I must share your worth in Christ and rise the challenge. Understanding that even the most deceitful person may need a break from the hardships of life. What we are being asked is for a sacrifice of self, reverence for humanity, to hope for those who have little and to live in a way that shows others who we belong to. Are you up for the challenge?

The latin quote was "Illegitimi non carborundum". The translation was loose. The meaning is timeless. We need courage to stand strong, we need Jesus, we need faith, we need love and we need each other to survive this beautiful heap. After all just a little of your time could make you a super human in the eye of another, even if only for a day.

1Corinthians 16:13-14 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

Romans 15:1 We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

[mcbex]

*Going unnoticed *

It's funny how when you pray most often God answers your prayers but doesn't change the situation. He merely guides you to the perspective that is needed to help you through. I have been praying hard about change as of late. I'm starting to recognize I need to be honest with myself because my underlying issue is fear. Fear I lack courage, fear I'll be stuck in the same place indefinetly and fear of the things that will change when all I want to do is hold onto them. Can I be useful and afraid?

As usual with this blog I try to find a way to tell a story about what I wrestle with so I can hit the topic from the side. It brings so much clarity for me when I don't go directly at something. In this scenario I've been trying to share my heart for over a month about how living our life to the fullest doesn't need to come in the way we're expecting it. It's possibly just an effort to validate said fear.

As usual the closer I get to sharing the more satan's attacks hit me head on. Making it harder to find the right words. I'm not even sure these are those. But I've been too long sitting in the fear of saying the wrong thing. He is the master of direct confusion and instant convictor of sin. In fact the second we say "I believe" we become his nemesis. I want nothing more than to go unnoticed by the devil himself but I have a bit of a problem. Satan's attention is a little like an "I love God" meter. The more you lean into those heavenly whispers the angrier that little red guy seems to get. Thus I end up snared, blocked and once more falling prey to his insignificant games.

A.W. Tozier says as christians all we need to do for satan to win is to be complacent and do nothing. We must merely live out our lives accepting the "low key" christian attitude. Funny that this is what I fear the most. Yet what am I to do when my days are short, obligations are long? Is there time enough?

At church last Sunday the pastor was going on about Grace. He was sharing that grace is free and although we don't have to do anything for it, we can't be lethargic about it either. We represent a faith so profound it is bigger than everything. We cannot pretend it's the "lazy river" ride at Disney (his words- not mine). My daughter, whom I'm never sure is listening due to always humming lowly or fidgeting or trying to read a book during service, leans over to me and starts whispering. She says mom he's right. Having faith in God is like white water rafting. I've never been on either ride but I gather they are wildly different. Both analogies fit the truth.

At the end of service unbeknownst to me there was a baptism. An older man got up to testify. I cried. It was with beautiful fervor that he exclaimed his faith and it reminds me that God wants us to enjoy our lives. Although not every second is worthy of a smile. Everyday is worth of joy because he put me here. And if he put me here my fear is wasted on the wrong things. As long as my eyes are on the cross every second counts. Every minute matters.

Today was a day of wins. Juxtaposed between what my heart wants and the accountability of the season I reside in, I found exactly what I needed. In someways I could be more dedicated to the things that vie for my time. In other ways I could do less. Ultimately I just need to go out there everyday in every season of my life and show God I want his grace, I need his love and he's got to keep leading the way. The only thing I need really fear is God. He's got my back so every other thing is arbitrary.

Ecclesiastes 3: There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens

Psalm 42: 7-8 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.

Romans 12:9-13 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

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Hurry up, slow down.

I'm trying to run 1000 miles in 2024. Since I'm not training for any right now I thought this would be a good time for the heart rate runs I've been hoggishly avoiding. This is an exercise where you run slow and keep your heart rate low in order to gain better cardiovascular control over time. It takes a lot of discontenting slow runs to help your heart understand you aren't trying to tax it, you're trying to strengthen it. It's something that I've been avoiding since the beginning because everyone talks about speed.

People want to know: how fast you are, what's your goal time, how long do you think it will realistically take, and so on. I've been the person asking and answering these questions at times. I get pulled into the drama and the pride of wanting to be faster to prove I'm getting stronger. Consequently all my runs have been burnout runs which not surprisingly did not make me faster. They merely left taxed me and questioning how other people managed to make such lofty goals and achieve them while I was busy managing shin splits among other nagging burnout related injuries.

Doing these slow runs force my efforts into a new bracket. The "just because you can doesn't mean you should" bracket. When my heart rate is too high I must walk or slow down. It's time consuming. At first I was ignoring it. I wanted results and to look like I was putting in the effort. However eventually I gave in to doing it properly and what's funny is that in forcing myself to go slower I'm realizing a lot of my life lives in this place. The hurry up space that tells me do it now, do it fast!

I noticed the obsession with this blackguard in my work and home life as well. In my career it is a consequence of living life in a fast paced world. How quickly can I get my work finished, how soon can I reply, when can I be here or there, is there room in my schedule?...I began to read to react instead of listening to engage. I'm sure I'm not the only one the who's been caught on this miserly carnival ride that pinches your time and makes you feel much like a scrambled egg. Most of us are aware yet feel compelled to take part in this behavior even if the only reason for it is 'that's how it's always been done'.

Looking at my cohorts I see people trying to redefine themselves within the bustle by claiming a cacophony of differences. Everyone shouting, I am an individual! However in such chaos and contortion I doubt very few will ever truly get the satisfaction they are looking for in demanding we recognize their differences individually.

Out on the road I must walk and as I do I started to smell the smells of pine or flowers or new pavement. I began to feel the breeze on my sweat ridden brow and watch the grass be moved by the fingers of God. I pray and watch and listen. It rains. Or the sun toasts my skin. Or the wind chafes. It's all very wonderful that when I step out of these obsessions and focus on the purpose that I start to question everything. I wonder what are we in such a hurry for and why is everyone shouting? We're missing, we're missing it all. I love how we can see our purpose so clearly when we shut off the noisy tap of chaos.

I puzzle if we can redefine ourselves in God's grace? Can we use the slow and low heart rate run to stop shouting our differences and hear the whisper of the Lord saying "I am different." ? Can we extend our cardiovascular soul to understand we are different in Christ and the speed we worship is void in the excellence of God's peace? Incidentally your love is made truer and your foundation made stronger by truly walking to that beat. It will show our differences in being a lover of the one true God by our peace in His singularity.

I know it doesn't sound imaginative. It doesn't feel new or reinvented. It's just the constant pulse of a heart rate run built up over a millennia. It's what happens when we break away from the speed and slow down. It's the result of taking a mental picture everything you see and forcing the obsession of life to walk along side us instead of overwhelming our minds with chatter.

We are called to bring others to Christ. We are called to be different than the world. We are called. So let us start by allowing for the time it takes to show them our strength in stillness in the eye of the storm. In the steady heart beat of God's creation.

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭4‬:‭10‬-‭12: "for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his. Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

[mcbex]

Full measure

We're standing in the parking lot waiting for the last runners to exit the woods. There's a conversation going with the rest of the group about which insects we could eradicate without affecting the animal kingdom. It came to a quick conclusion, as we unfortunately admit defeat and give mosquitoes, black flies and no-see-um's there due place. Being a large part of the animal kingdom the world would be incomplete and flawed should we decide to save ourselves from their pesky nuisance.

A while later I consider this exchange while making cookies. I've decided to add cocoa to a recipe that doesn't call for it. Chocolate is always a great addition to just about everything. Taking something out... there's a tricky situation. Leaving out the eggs for example could be detrimental. Following a recipe is a lot like trying to remove the mosquitoes from their genus. You must follow it to the letter. Giving each ingredient it's place in the batter at it's given time. You can't change it unless you want to utterly change the course of the end product. In all truth, I would more likely end up with a mess on my hands as opposed to anything resembling what I was actually trying to cook should I remove or normally change an ingredient.

And today in yet another room of my life a coworker questions jokingly about life's test. He wants to know if he ended up here as punishment? As we dissect this idea laughter breaks out about something else. It takes our attention away from the arduous conversation we were having. We joke with the crew for a moment and it's back to work for everyone. I'm confronted with the question is being here in this place a test or a reward for working hard? Maybe it's something else entirely?

These few days pieced together brought to my attention the full measure of God's love and use for us. On my own I can no sooner eradicate mosquitoes or add into chocolate into my life than I could breathe without my lungs. On my own I am nothing as God's plans cannot be seen without all the pieces even the gnarly ones we could seeming do without.

The full measure of God, God's love and his plans for us comes when we embrace it. It comes with so many brackets and so many doors that open or close. All necessary to achieve the challenge set out before us.

It's found when I love myself and others the way God loves me. No take aways no additions just plain and simple love. Which leaves me feeling over all like the full measure of his plans for us have more to do with loving each other than it does actions. It's putting your trust in the plan, in the design and in the hands of the one who made you.

Of course there are those hypocrites, the church on Sunday,sin on Monday types that have given some people pause in confusion about the whole inner workings of it all. There's no ticker counting good deeds or bad ones. There is no magnifying glass set up to burn ants. There is only love in this hectic, chaotic, infernal planet. A beautiful planet that would eradicate us if we did not have and love each other.

The current of the Bible is just that. Love. The current of God is the same. It's all there can be if we want to find our true full measure of purpose here. So I will be wearing long sleeves in the woods and adding chocolate to anything and reminding my coworker he too has a reason to be happy even in the hard to reach places.

2 Peter‬ ‭1‬:‭2‬ “May grace and peace be yours in full measure through your knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.”

Psalm‬ ‭16‬:‭5‬ “You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands.”

Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ “But God has shown us how much he loves us—it was while we were still sinners that Christ died for us!”

John‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬ "For God loved the world so much that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not die but have eternal life."

[mcbex]

Sin

While driving home tonight I got caught on the highway in what I call the "tunnel of speed". Trying to pass a slower car I needed to speed up a lot so as not to interrupt the flow of traffic. Every time I would try to ease back in I found the traffic in the travel lane was still exceedingly slow and without slamming on my breaks I couldn't escape the speed trap I was driving in.

After a mile or 2 one by one the cars peeled back into the travel lane but I was left there feeling like I would look silly if I slowed down. It came to me that now I was speeding because of choices I was making. I wondered briefly how I got into this mess and after standing my ground in the passing lane for many miles thinking surely the drivers of the other cars would mock me as I pulled into the travel lane, I conceded the point and gradually slowed to a legally authorized motion.

I realize doing 83 on the highway is not my idea of safe driving and I began to think about what kind of a sin speeding equates to. Surely it's not considered as bad as murder but then again the Bible does say sin is sin. All of them created equal in the eyes of God. We cannot explain away our reasons for doing them. And no amount of reasoning makes our faults just.

It made me think about how sometimes though our intensions are good and well meaning we also get tripped up in the tunnel of sin. Before we know it we could be passing our exit feeling foolish about how we've behaved. I know I have held my tongue many times because how I really feel has been off base from how I've acted or reacted. I loathe being hypocritical. It makes me feel weird like people are liars. But in truth people are fickle with or without the added guilt of actual mistakes.

I've been in this passing lane before without realizing it. To be completely honest I have yet to be self aware enough to actually slam on the brakes, cut right and make my exit on squealing tires. I hope the next time I find myself there I will.

For now, Zondervan Dictionary said "sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay." I felt that in the tunnel of speed today.

”If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.“

‭‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭8‬ ‭

”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.“

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭15‬ ‭

”For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.“

‭‭Romans‬ ‭7‬:‭19‬ ‭

[mcbex]

Cognito Ergo Sum

Laying in my bed praying before tossing over and going to sleep, I realize I'm having the same old conversation with God. Sometimes I feel like a broken record or like I'm reciting a laundry list or worse yet I'm scripting the tangent of my heart strings crying out for relief. I pause and call out from the dark "Lord, I don't want to have this conversation with you again. I'm tired of it. " I swear he replied with, "Imagine how I feel Beck..." I know he's a comedian at times and now he's sharing a playful moment with me that is also nestled to my core.

Discernment is so tricky. I walk a wire trying to triage my life. Who's worth my time, how do I feel, what is right, what is wrong and what should I be indifferent too. Where do I make space for others or from others. Discernment, is something that God says if we draw near to him he will help us. I definitely feel his hand guiding me through. But my problem is how do I get off the hamster wheel to maintain my intensity. I feel like I should be doing more than just reciting prayer. However- the true prayer, I feel bound to and would never abandon. The overwhelming needs of others feels engrossing both through prayer and through the hard work.

I read the other day that humans are the only creatures God gifted with the ability to decide what we think about. Which I think is more than just cognition. I am aware of myself, but I am aware that I think as well. It's not a new idea but it is a powerful notion. Cogito, ergo sum- I think therefore I am- and in reverse, I am therefore I think. Sometimes I think being aware means extra focus on the road because it is so easy to be laden with all the other stressors that vie for our time. Other times I wonder why he gave us this gift if it only torments those of us that would do more had we been blessed time or circumstance.

Ultimately the boundless reproach of my prayers ends when I say it ends. God has the power to heal us and redeem us but only if we let it go. The Hamster Wheel prayer is nothing more than me holding onto my worry, my fear or my shame in order to feel some control more than what stress has over me. It makes me sense that I, a human, aware, awake and alive have control over my life. Realistically nothing is further than the truth. My free will allows me to make decision, not control the outcome.

When I was in high school I read a book called The Tao of Pooh. Although I'm not nor have I ever been deeply interested in Taoism I am on a constant search to find truth among the madness that we call life. I have questions and I will not rest until I turn over every stone to find answers that always seem aloof to others. This quote hit me then and stuck, like a honey to my finger tips. So I will share it as it seems fitting to my hamster wheel existence and awareness of a life that could be, should be lived better.

"To know the way, we go the way, we do the way. The way we do, the things we do, it's all there in front of you. But if you try too hard to see it, you'll only become confused. I am me and you are you. As you can see; but when you do the things that you can do, you will find the way. The way will follow you." -The Tao of Pooh

I will think in that for a while.

Psalm 8: 5-6 the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? You have made them a little lower than the angels and crowned them with glory and honor. You made them rulers over the works of your hands; you put everything under their feet:

Genesis 1: 27- 28 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

2 Corinthians 6-7 Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. For we live by faith, not by sight.

Psalm 91:11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

[mcbex]

*Nature vs Nurture *

Before the sun came up this morning, I saw its warm rays streaming across the sky. It hit the clouds and it seemed as if it was fire. The hue of orange and gold were magic to my eyes and full of hope. I stopped to take a picture from the end of my driveway. Then I spoke aloud to the sunrise to feel a connection to the morning wonder. I said “I can’t see you but I know a new day is here, you always show up right on time.“ instantly I am confronted with Gods love and plans and constant security. Realizing the gift of today I began to pray for the second time today.

Lately I've been feeling the relentless tug of life. It seems as though the under current of turbulence is just satans way of keeping me busy and unfocused. Maybe it's me trying to shove too much into my human days in want of making the most of all of it. But I know that's not complete truth because I am protective of my time. I'm protective of my journey but searching for the road is long and at times misleading.

Listening to a pod cast tonight the speaker says (paraphrasing) that sometimes miracles get in the way of the message, and when we focus on miracles we miss the message God is trying to convey. This too hits a little too close to home on my quest for enlightenment. How many times have I come home boggled from the day, straining to get closure on the world where I had spent hours bracing my innocence. How many times have I gotten up in the morning and prayed that this day I would be able to handle everything thrown at me. How many times have I driven this road asking for answers, seeking Gods voice and looking for signs. It's the signs that sneak in and lead us a stray, because however beautiful they are God doesn't speak in signs or wonders. He speaks in action, whisper and occasionally He heals someone, but I think His motives are mostly for other reasons in that case. For whatever it's worth He doesn't make us wonder, He is clear. We wonder because we oppose the answers He shares with us. We question because we laughably believe that surely our take on the circumstance must be the right way.

Ashamed of it as I may be, I've dabbled with numerology, used ouija board and I'm sure I've seen a palm reader at least once in my life. These may offer some kind of peak but it negates who is speaking. You have to wonder WHO really is speaking and why am I listening to anything other than the word of God that has never led me astray.

Coming home the sun is down and the scene is different. It's dark again when I arrive, as winter still lay quietly on my town like a sleepy blanket. The headlights illuminating the road offer me focus and remind me of the laser like path each of us has carved out. With this thought I feel more centered than I have in a long time. Because once again I recognize that the devil will use anyone or anything to peel away our faith and chip away at the security we wrap around ourselves. I find his antics annoying, boring and sophomoric yet they still trip me up. Probably because the low tech design of his plight is almost undetectable until you find yourself trapped in his web of confusion.

Moving forward I will feel the emotion of the sunrise, sunset and all the beauty he allows for me to see but I will not look to them to remind me of anything other than a gift. A gift of life and of death. A gift that comes in both pretty packages as well as newspaper. I will remember to ask myself, who am I speaking to, why am I asking and where is the reply coming from? The forthright voice of God leads, and I will follow it alone for He is constant. He is love. He is my father and he knows the way.

Psalm 25:4 Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.

Jeremiah29; 11- 14 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity.

[mcbex]

**Fullness **

I'm packing away the last of our Christmas gear. Which basically means I'm putting away the remains of a year gone by. I can't help but reflect on all last year brought me and all the hopes I have for the new year. With a new season I am making plans! I'm mapping out roads to run on, chair lift dates, plays I want to see and so on. It seems so full already and it's only January. But there are faces I need to see, conversations that must be had, dates and dreams and life. The fullness I feel isn't the overwhelmingly busy kind. It's the kind that's built on the breathe of life itself. It's the fullness we feel of a life well lived.

While looking for a verse to fit this theme I came to a quote by Voltaire- "God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well."  I really like that because of its simple truth. Life is a gift. Sometimes I get frustrated that it took me so long to see that. Then I feel a little distressed for those that have yet to understand the gift. As long as we have life there is still time. So I won't get down hearted about it. I will pray.

As I continue packing I'm not only looking back at 2023, I'm considering the person I've been and the person I'm becoming. I am a work in progress. In fact I'm a mess at times. So much so that I wonder how anyone could love me.

I recognize the brokenness of people and of the world we live in. I acknowledge that I too feel splintered. Until recently I had merely been treading water, not recognizing that I had been the villain in my own story. Now as I submit to the hurt broken parts of me I allow them to be part of who I am but I no longer accept them as a representation of who I have to be. In fact the more I embrace her sheared and tattered frame the more I embrace the life that is mine to live. I am now able to listen in and lean on others only to find them equally as fragile as I am. Although I feel like there are days when I am on a mission to improve the spirit of those around me, most often it just feels comforting knowing we all have struggles or pain. I never saw that before. I hate that I didn't see it because I know now that we all need the pieces of each other to make this beautiful heap work.

I see it in the way we talk to others and how we feel about others and how we expect others to know how to relate with us, then how we get frustrated when we don't get what we need. I am guilty of it. I want to give the love others want or need of me to but I can't always muster the way to do it. Even the smallest gestures can be so difficult sometimes. Changing your heart is hard. It's also frustrating when I bank everything God wants from me on the change he's making in me then fail to achieve the goal.

I wrap each ornament, eventually carrying them to my attic where I will put them aside, and in time I will pull them back down and reminisce again as I decorate my tree with trinkets and bobbles. The loop is finite but for now it feels endless. Much like my struggle to try be the person my heart so badly wants to be. I yearn to love. I ache to know others better. I pray for the skill to be stronger for anyone who needs to lean on me too. Most of all I hope this year will find me more open, fragile, caring and familiar the process of a changing heart.

The Bible says draw near to God and he will change you. Let us all be changed for those we love.

Ephesians 3: 14-19 For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

James 4: 7-10So then, submit yourselves to God. Resist the Devil, and he will run away from you. Come near to God, and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners! Purify your hearts, you hypocrites! Be sorrowful, cry, and weep; change your laughter into crying, your joy into gloom! Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Psalm 51:10 Create a pure heart in me, O God, and put a new and loyal spirit in me.

[mcbex]

Lean On Me

This world is so big and I feel so small. Sometimes what I am learning is hard to share. Somedays everything feels broken. I have to remember to just breathe.

First and foremost I'm called to love. It seems so easy, but how when I'm up against such a vial human emotion do I find forgiveness when I'm hurt? I've been working through this issue my whole life. Because here on earth, there is no shortage of people willing to hurt people. God says it's not about forgiveness, he says focus. Focus on him. Focus my eyes on the unseen world while the trappings of this one nag at my strength.

During these seasons I tend to shut everything out. If you're a friend trying to reach me or a loved one making plans I'm sorry... I just don't know. Unfortunately closing the gate only lets the darkness linger and I find myself even trying to shut out God. I just want to put my Bible down and take a single minute on my own to workout the forgiveness thing. The hurt thing. The sulky annoying tired thing... It's ridiculous, I know I can't do a thing without Christ's help. All that is satan calling. All that is, is darkness and shame leading me to a place I never want to be again. I never have to be. So I double down. I read the Bible more. I answer the call. I reach a friend. I go to church. All in an attempt to stay as I am. Focused on Him.

For there is a stark contrast between the dark and the light. The Bible says draw near to God and he will change you. So the closer I stay on my focus the more light I have. Still unfortunately there is a large gray area on how to handle forgiveness and hurt. I had hoped I would get there and realize I had changed so much I would understand this lesson. But my steps are still unclear and my footing is a little rocky at times.

We are to love, we are to forgive. 70*7 times if I am correctly remember the verse. Which basically means infinity. Of course my human self wants to hold grudges and maybe even get a little revenge. My conscience knows it would just make things worse. Honestly though, do we tell them? Do we show them they've hurt us?Or do we let it all go in an effort to show that our trust is so much in God's hands that we can let God lead the way even through our pain?

As usual when I write here I sometimes answer my own questions. I hope that sharing allows you the latitude of knowing you aren't alone in these seasons. Sharing is good and my phone is always on.

Let us stick with the love. Let us pray on the forgiveness and we will be led and changed and share in the changing hearts of humanity.

Job 22:21“Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.

Luke 17:4 Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.”

Matthew 18: 21-22 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

1Corinthians 4-7 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

[mcbex]

The Battle of the Asian Dish

I went out for Asian food the other night with friends. Feeling adventurous I decided to order something I had never tried before. I cruised around the menu, asked minimal questions of our server, and after not quite understanding any of her answers I threw caution to the wind. Pointing at the dish I wanted, I waited in anticipation for a meal I had never eaten before. I mentioned to a friend how I tend to shy away from new food while eating out because I don't want to pay and hate it. But with sushi on the way and plenty of kind hearted souls around me whatever comes is sure to be gobbled up even if it isn't me that does the chewing.

When my dinner arrived, I realized I had merely ordered a Plain-Jane plate of noodles and stir-fried veggies! One of my friends begins to laugh loudly about this because he knew how excited I was to try something new. My reply to his laughter was a light hearted, “Isn’t this just how my life is... I say, 'God use me' and he hands me back a large serving of the same thing I’ve been eating for years."

I muddle over this on my ride home. Of course he does! The message is faint but as I think on it, it becomes clear. The point is, He is using us right where we are.

Then on the radio this morning I heard a song that sort of wrapped up the message a bit more. A line in the song was “complacency can be so bitter”. Which reminds me that there is a likeness in being still verse being complacent. At least there is from the outside looking in.

Being complacent would mean lack of growth or vision. It is doing things on a loop because you're told to or because you can. Complacency feels like disconnection to the world around you. An auto pilot of unfeeling, unchanged existence. But I’m not talking about being stagnant. I'm talking about the stillness of living in Gods will.

His stillness requires respect, vigilance, caring and growth. It requires attention to detail and in the waiting, we grow. While constantly being aware that God may call us to act at any moment. And I do mean any moment.

Unfortunately they can look the same. But they do not feel the same. One is self reliance in a word where we are separate from one another. The other means I am connected and piece by piece I can feel the work of God as he centers me.

And finally this afternoon the final piece of this message comes to me on a run. Where I speak freely and loudly and hear him clearly. It comes in the stillness of knowing him. I am asking the wrong questions. It's not in the 'why won't you use me', or 'where will you use me' or 'what will you use us for'. The question I need to be asking is who. Who needs help, who isn't asking, but should. In the stillness provide by the creator there is attention to others not found anywhere else.

If I hadn't been handed stir fry when I thought I was ordering sashimi I may have missed his point. I need to stop looking for doors to open and walk through the doors already open to me. Help those in need by my side. Then we can be warriors together.

Exodus 14:14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.

Romans 12:10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

[mcbex]

**Searching**

As the man hunt in Maine continues I can hear helicopters and drones over head. Sirens buzzing by and a road block around the corner tell me they are doing everything to find this destructive man. Yesterday everyday life was exhausting. Although it is not fear that has entered my mind. It's sorrow for the ones lost and the one yet to be found. Another person the system has somehow failed to reach or has discarded in someway. Yet, as I laid myself down for bed last night I am overcome by love because as my eyes closed I prayed and thought about how this is so much like how God reaches for us.

The road is still dark here as the search goes on but as I continue to hear the bustle of a search party I am constantly reminded today that God too is searching for us in much the same way.

Sometimes it feels like road blocks, sirens, helicopters, angels or miracles can bend the fabric of time to stand in our way. Upon spying such heavy obstacles we turn away and seek alternate routes in order to avoid what we feel will change the game or change us. Sometimes we try remaining hidden from the things that frighten us. So we end up shutting people out or ideas out in order to go our own way and possibly escape the narrow clutches of a manifest destiny. However the road blocks continue and the man hunt for salvation will go on.

I'm not sure I believe in the manifest destiny part of it all because I think it takes away from our free will. Without that there's nothing. But I will say besides a possible existence of imperialism, the truth seeks to know us, it seeks for us to know and see God for everything that he is. A wonder, a power a force. Unfathomable.

So let me not hide behind my sins and say there is no God. Let me not stumble in woods in darkness for days on end. No. Instead let me say, Find me Oh Lord! Lead me! Then by you will I am found. And so is he.

Proverbs 8:35 For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.