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I feel sick thinking about how i look. How can i ever be loved in this body, how can I ever live or do anything if i look like this.

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Feeling extra frustrated right now. All i do is binge binge binge. I still cant purge no matter how hard i try so i just get fatter fatter fatter. Ive gotten so far away from where i want to be, cant even distract because all i feel is the fat on my body and the food in my stomach. It used to be so easy, I coukd lose as much weight as i wanted within a few weeks. Now every day drags by. These few years have been shit. All hospitalizations, being sick, getting fat. Binge eating, mom gets diagnosed with brain tumor, her surgery and radiation and chemo appointments, my childhood cat died, i work full time and dont have time to take care of myself emotionally, wanna kill myself but im too fat to die, but i would want to die less if i wasnt so fat. Re.embering how pretty i felt when i was skinny, everything feeling so unachievable, feeling like im being fake just to distract people from what i look like and what i eat. Im so burnt out from anything and everywhere i turn is a brick wall. Want to disappear wamt to be skinny need to be skinny just a fat piggy pig, worthless disgusting fat pig

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Then of course i fucking binged tonight. Fasting tomorrow, only coffee allowed.

So I've lost 8.4 lbs in 4 days so thats pretty neato

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So I've lost 8.4 lbs in 4 days so thats pretty neato

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I wish I could just hibernate and wake up skinny 😔💔

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A brief list of my priorities

Skinny

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do you ever get in those moods where you don’t feel like reading and you don’t feel like being on the internet and you don’t feel like watching a show and you don’t feel like sleeping and you don’t feel like existing in general

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Okay so this is weirdly specific but if anyone else struggle with pretty severe anorexia and then ended up with binge eating disorder i am so here for you i feel like i can never find anyone who understands what its like to have been retricting for years and then now ever since i survived my lowest i have been binging c o n s t a n t l y its like no matter what i do i still end up binging like every single day. Its taken over my entire life and i feel even worse than i did with anorexia because its all that shame and guilt amplified times infinity and i am too embarassed to get real help and i just want to find someone who really understands this like i know im not alone but boy do i feel it

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Murderer: *holds up knife*

Me: haha lol you think that’s gonna scare me-

Murderer: *starts to cut a big piece of cake*

Me: oh…. oh no

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I wish people understood how truly constant this inner turmoil is for us all, like this isnt just going on in the background. This is the main focus and everything else gets the back seat, even if its something you care about, the eaying disorder ALWAYS takes up all your mental space

Things I can't stop thinking about

Calories

Burning calories

Exercise

Gaining weight

What should I eat

What shouldn’t I eat

How thin I look

How fat I look

My weight

Should I skip that snack

How I wish I could lose weight

How I hate my body

How other people would react if they knew what I was thinking

ALL DAY EVERY SINGLE DAY

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All the fucking time omlllll

Eating disorder stress

When you’re a stress eater but 90% of your stress is because you’ve eaten.

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honestly the feeling of fullness is so much worse than hunger pains

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I really need to work on this, i will be doing so good then end up mega binging at 8 oclock trying to eat anything i find before midnight so i dont "ruin" the next day too like what is that logic? I would probably be at my goal weight if i just prevented binges from going too far instead of trying to fast away the mistakes

I JUST SAVED MYSELF FROM A BINGE

I had a normal breakfast, about 200 cal. Later I got hella hungry so I decided to have a snack of potato salad my mom made (super dank). Then I decided fuck it and carried on to have a serving of tortilla chips and jalepeno cheese dip. I was gonna eat more but I stopped myself bc I was FULL

The secret to stop bingeing is to STOP telling yourself “I already ruined today with this one snack/meal so fuck it I’m gonna binge.” Instead, have a snack if you’re hungry. Let yourself eat until you’re full. Then STOP.

You’ll most likely still be under your calorie limit if you just have the snack. That one snack DIDNT RUIN YOUR PROGRESS. It’s completely NORMAL to be hungry so just eat.

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You ever feel so fat it makes you want to binge because you feel so hopeless? Like what the fuck? Anyways today is going well so far but i feel like a pig and its so hard to exist in this body like i dont want to do anything until im skinny but doing stuff keeps me from eating so? Ugh

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Mood swings, anger, sweat smells weird, worsening vision despite glasses, chest ratteles from the cold, if you abuse lax legit shitting yourself when you try to exercise, unable to hold your urine and sometimes accidents, body aches, blue lips, crying in grocery stores in front of people, children staring at you and turning to their larents looking terrified of you, your family being scared of you, not recognizing yourself in the mirror, the lists go on. No matter what lies you tell yourself, do not believe for a second that your goal weight will feel euphoric. If you are getting yourself into this, know what you are getting in to. And please, if you can, just delete tumblr. Delete the toxic photos in yiur phone, rip of those pages of calories and rules and workouts. Go make yourself what youre craving. Nourish your soul because SELF CARE IS BEAUTIFUL.

For all my new followers: Some not-so-cute things about anorexia.

I want y’all to see the reality of this disorder.

EDIT: this is meant for those who are actively seeking out an eating disorder, or are romanticizing the illness, like “new anas.” this isn’t meant to cure anyone from anorexia.

1. being cold. all. the. time. you have to sleep with at least two blankets.

2. lanugo. think it’s cute to have thick hair ALL over your body??

3. that cute ass you had? it’s gone.

4. crying all the time

5. shaky hands, shaky arms, shaky legs, shaky everything.

6. you disappoint basically everyone important to you

7. it’s not cute to get smashed after one drink. it’s embarrassing.

8. forgetting everything. why did i walk into this room? where did i put my phone? why did i put my deodorant on the kitchen counter?

9. chewing food literally feels like you’re eating a live slug.

10. all those friends you love? you’ll basically never see them because you’re too afraid that they’ll suggest going out for lunch or try to give you food.

11. goal weights? not a thing. no matter how low your weight is, you’ll never be satisfied

12. this disorder literally kills you slowly, from the inside out

13. you have to sleep with a thick blanket or pillow between your knees because the feeling of your bones pressing against each other is too painful

14. your whole life feels like it’s a haze

15. concentration goes out the window. your grades will go down, you might even fail a class because for some fucking reason not eating is more important than getting a degree. think about that.

16. treatment is inevitable if you don’t get it under control yourself. and treatment is the worst experience you could possibly have – people FORCING you to eat, lots of crying, and its fucking expensive

17. you are so wasteful. all that healthy food you bought? you’ll eventually get to a point where you can’t even eat that and it just rots in your fridge.

18. it gets to a point where you care more about the number on the scale than your own fucking family

19. all your free time will be spent running. or walking. or working out. anything to burn off the calories you did (or didn’t) eat

20. eventually 50 calories is too much for one day

21. at a certain point, a size 0 is too big and all clothes look ill-fitting, not cute and baggy.

22. YOU ARE NOT IN CONTROL. no matter how much you think you are, you’re not. you’re a slave to your own brain.

23. YOU ARE A LIAR. you lie to your family, to your therapist, to your friends, and there’s no undoing that. once people know you’re lying, they’ll never believe you again.

24. this disorder does not make you special. it makes you sick. and it makes you look selfish and weak to other people. that’s the reality.

25. get help.

this is the reality of this disorder. it’s not cute. it’s not fun. it’s addicting. and it ruins your life. that’s it. it’s an illness and you have to see it for what it is.

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My sister just stopped me from binging and im so glad but i also feel so guilty and gross but i might still be under 1000 cal?