mcraesheart

[mcraesheart]

Coworker is doing my nails right now. How sweet is that? Having talks around the table. There’s 4 of us. Bri, doing my nails, is sweet and talkative. She’s very opinionated and vocal about it; bold too. Ella, across from me as she taps her keyboard, is a writer. She wants to go on writing dates. I keep blowing her off, but I want to so badly. When I don’t have school, I want to go with her all the time. She’s hilarious. Kailee is beside me. She always calls out of work. I really like her, but she’s not around so much. I don’t know much about her.

[mcraesheart]

Where on earth is the motivation? I’ve just bought miralax at target and dumped it into what’s left of my Pepsi-Dr. Pepper combo. It’s thick sliding down my throat, but it doesn’t taste horrible. I want to work and dedicate time to a piece of fiction that I care about. I’m thinking of the main character. In my book arts class, we have to make our own book for our final. We’ve learned different types. I want to do a double stitch pamphlet, but the printing process seems daunting. I don’t have the longing to try things anymore. When I get lazy, I accept it and sit in it comfortably. I used to hate people that sat around all day and didn’t let the sun touch them. When I was a kid, I loathed being outside. All I wanted was to lay horizontally in the leather chair and watch TV. I love being outside now. I love being active and hanging out with friends. The only issue is that it costs so much money to step outside for anything other than a brisk walk. The miralax I bought tonight was 7 dollars, which isn’t bad, but it’s the generic. Powderlax. I should probably drink more. It’s disgusting. I’m in my final semester of college. I have two Ds. I’m about to have a a third of I keep skipping book arts. I emailed him and said that I am having a “bizarre semester.” It’s vague but holds variety. Many things could be bizarre, which they are. I assume he finds me arrogant for considering my life to be bizarre. I don’t mean in comparison, but I wonder if he thinks I do. I wonder if people think I think a lot of things that I don’t. I wonder if people think I think a lot of things that I do. I wonder if people don’t think I think things. It is arrogant to think your life is bizarre. Everyone’s is. Whatever you think about your life is always applicable to someone else’s lifetime. You’re not special, you’re just like everyone else. But you are special. You have something no one else has. Some people will hate it, but everyone will love it.

[mcraesheart]

I need attention, and I have to feel that I am wanted or I’ll find it elsewhere. Something profound. I’ve learned this about myself just now as I am locked out of my job at 7:28am. Not me or anyone else opening today is in possession of their own key, but I need text messages and expressions of love and open conversations that do not hide behind premeditated lies. I must feel wanted as the pull of a magnet. I don’t want to feel that there are other places I belong. I don’t want to feel that there are other faces for which I should long.

[mcraesheart]

Went out with my best friend’s boyfriend last night for drinks. I had just finished dinner with my parents at a local Mexican restaurant in his town, so I figured I’d ask him if he was free. This previous weekend, I was sloshed at the bar. He sat down beside me and told me he wished to be friends outside of mine and my friend’s relationship. He didn’t want to be an extension of her. I enjoy his company, but I miss when she didn’t have him around all the time. His presence lingers like a stink bug. I don’t dislike him. I actually enjoy him, but I see him more than I do her at this point. I’ve been growing an ounce or two of resentment for him since she started working her new job. She works from 7-5. I never see her anymore, but he is always at our apartment. He asks me to smoke sometimes, and I feel bad for declining. I’ve grown rather close to him over the course of their relationship. I don’t believe there’s been a guy in her life better for her than him. We’ve shared secrets and stories and confided in each other over coffee and joints, and I know that he’s a great guy. I’m grateful that she found him, but I just miss her. I miss going out with friends and him not being there. I miss knowing that she’d be home waiting for me, ready to spend time together however we sought fit. She’s become my person over these past four years of college, and to see her drift off with someone like I’d always known she would makes me realize we truly are on different rafts. I’ve always been on a different raft. I get older and older but my habits rarely change. I still like the same things and I struggle over many waves that have been attempting to drown me since childhood. Having a life you feel is too different from the ones you love is anything but corroborating. I am foreign at times. I look around and I have no idea where I am or what I’m doing here or who these people are around me. She’s another friend that I’ll watch slip away on her journey that makes total sense. Everything in her path lines up perfectly, even when things seem blurry. How am I to keep companions that are unable to walk alongside me? Girls have held me so high throughout my life, but they are unable to stay.