mcvayk-blog

[mcvayk-blog]

Who's gonna drive you home. Tonight? Drive - The Cars I bought a car. While this might not seem like a monumental event in most of your lives; in mine - this is colossal. There was a point in my life when I loved to drive - I grew my hair out, so it could be pulled up on top my head (i.e. convertible hair), bought a rag top and never looked back. Putting that roof down bought me the freedom I had always craved. But when I moved to New York City in 2005, I left my silver mustang, along with my love of cruising the open road, in California. I gave up driving for walking the city blocks, navigating the subway system and hailing cabs. And somewhere along the way, I let my license expire (yes - very short-sighted, but I had designed my life to be walkable and thought this was always going to be the case.). As I traveled the world, I preferred to explore new cities on foot or jump into the back of a tuk tuk. (Fact: When a tuk tuk picked you up at the airport, it was guaranteed to be the start of a good experience). Returning to the states, I was too damaged to dress myself let alone drive. I had a strong lattice of family, friends and resources - all of whom went out of their way to get me where I needed to be, keep me company, support me so the only thing I needed to worry, think about, deal with...was healing. I woke up one day...those feelings of freedom and independence bubbling up inside me I knew a driver's license would be a good step to get me what I craved. After some simple research, it was determined that my license had not been expired THAT long. December 2019 - About $75 being handed over to the woman behind the counter at the local messenger service got me a valid driver's license. Crazy - right? I knew I would wait until Spring to buy a car. What I didn't expect was to have to buy a car in the middle of a pandemic....... (random picture - MM and I took a tour of the temples and rice fields in a rented convertible - Ubud, September 2018) #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #newnormal #traveltheworldwithme #bali #ubud (at Ubud, Bali, Indonesia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_6KYUogKlc/?igshid=d5nk1nnwpypu

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It'll be just like starting over Starting over (& over & over & over) John Lennon Continued - but before you get a job, you need to interview for said job. Am I ready for this? I had a one video preliminary interview in the fall. It was achingly obvious I wasn't ready to work when, 3 minutes in, I started talking about cancer (diagnosis, treatment) when ask "what have you been up to since your last role in 2018?". Why? I didn't have anything to discuss because Cancer is "what I've been up to since my last role in 2018". Things are different now. I have done things. I have things to talk about. Having been in the workforce a long time, I know how to interview. I am good at it. I have an elevator speech ready on the tip of my tongue. I can talk about my accomplishments for 5 minutes, or realistically 5 hours if you want to give me that kind of time. I know what questions to ask, what research to do. I know how to sell myself. I've done this before, with great success. What I haven't done is all of this, while I am in the midst of cancer treatment which caused a lengthy job gap. So when an organization called yesterday to schedule an in person interview (during a pandemic???), starting to go through my mental checklist of interview prep. I needed to add a few new items to this list: - discuss with my therapist. Does she think I'm ready for this? (She does) - update my employment counselor (disability has some great resources most people don't know about) - Talk to a Diversity/Accommodation Expert (a friend) to discuss when/how to approach the subject of my treatment/accommodation needs. (too early to discuss - wait until a role is offered) I don't expect perfection. I expect this to be practice for the many more interviews to come. A luxery I have right now is time. Time to choose the right next step as I start over. I don't expect this to be easy. But I do expect it to be worth it. Random 2016 pictures from Istanbul's Basilica Cistern...and how I feel sometimes when starting over. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #rebirthday #newnormal #stemcelltransplant #startingover #traveltheworldwithme #istanbul (at Istanbul, Turkey) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_psijnAT1X/?igshid=1kekvqlueiivp

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There is a void in your soul, ready to be filled. You feel it, don’t you? Rumi All the stem cell transplant research pointed to the 12 month recovery mark as a time when I could expect to reach my "new normal". And while I'm still not entirely sure of what this "new normal" is, I think one area where I feel like I've hit the ready mark - I think (think being the operative word here) I might (might?) be ready to get back into the workplace. But Kelley. (you might ask)..Didn't you travel to Australia last summer (less than three months after your transplant) for six weeks? And didn't you just roam through Asia for three months? Yes...yes on both accounts. I do need to point out - traveling and working are two entirely different categories of life. Just look at the definitions. Travel defined: to make a journey, typically of some length, or abroad. Whereas we define work as: activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or a result. Travel during recovery is "easy"; rest when rest is needed, sleep when sleep is needed. I've become very attuned with my chemo cycle and know when to plan a day of mellow activities. One January day in Chiang Mai I took six hours to walk four miles. Why? Because that was the pace my body was dictating. (OK - four miles, three coffee shops, lunch and numerous new sites). Work, on the other hand, while in recovery is not "easy". Any work I would be involved in would require mental effort. And there are days when my brain is still foggy - Cancer related cognitive impairment or cognitive dysfunction. Days when I can't grasp words that I need. Days when my thoughts are jumbled. Those days are becoming fewer, less prevalent and less severe. Which is why we are to this point in our conversation. I think I'm ready to sit at the table; to make some decisions; to develop some new policies and implement new procedures. I think it's time to fill the void...and get a job. (to be continued.....) (Pictures - April 2018) #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #rebirthday #newnormal #stemcelltransplant #traveltheworldwithme #cambodia #bengmealea (at Beoung Mealea Temple ប្រាសាទបឹងមាលា) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_oDFW8glov/?igshid=12sp2lz3zcxq2

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And I'll find strength in pain And I will change my ways I'll know my name as it's called again. The Cave - Mumford & Sons My (re) Birthday April 25, 2019 - the stem cell transplant. The nurses present me with a huge 🎉🎊Happy Birthday🎉🎊 balloon. In my confusion, they explain that most people consider this their re-birthday. Laying in a hospital bed watching my stem cells flow through a clear tube leading to the triple-lumen catheter that has punctured my chest. The purpose of the stem cells - to bring me back to life after the brutally arduous treatment that was just inflicted upon my body. A re-birth. When I am faced with an unknown (any unknown. in any part of my life. personal. professional. practical. emotional), I research. And after that research, things typically start to make sense. Of course the unknown of the stem cell transplant was no different. Except it was. Because even after all the research, it still didn't make sense. A re-birth? "recovery could take up to 12 months to reach your new normal." "Many people consider their transplant a re-birth or second chance at life." "Expect setbacks." A re-birth? I just couldn't comprehend what that meant. Why would I need 12 months? (Especially after the doctors lifted my restrictions, and let me travel Day 85 post transplant). A second chance at life? Have I been doing it all wrong that I need a second chance? A new normal? What the fuck is that? Set backs? Oh...I've had those before. I can handle that (or so I thought). So here we are..day 365 post-transplant....my re-birth day, and as I look back on the past year, I am starting to comprehend what the research meant; or at least some of it........ (Picture from my porch in Ubud, Bali - April 2018) #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #rebirthday #newnormal #stemcelltransplant #traveltheworldwithme #bali #ubud #sunset (at Ubud, Bali, Indonesia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B_bHcAgAfQx/?igshid=ik91ytlkry35

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Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter. It' feels like years since it's been here. Here comes the sun. And it's all right. The Beatles While we are all in this isolation together, last year (April 2019) I started my own private isolation. The goal of my early treatment - to suppress the defective cells and prepare my body for a stem cell transplant. The transplant would make the suggested timeline of my life more palpable. It would also require at least 18 days of isolation, the time needed to ensure my body was producing healthy life saving red blood cells. The transplant itself was the least invasive, least painful procedure my body has been put through. The prep leading up to the transplant, a different story. Surgery. Chemotherapy shots and pills. Radiation. IV bone strengthening treatments. Bone marrow biopsies. Insertion of a triple-lumen catheter, the tool used to harvest and transplant the stem cells. Shots, causing intense bone pain, to release the stem cells into my blood stream. And, perfectly timed high dose energy sapping chemotherapy...that killed every healthy cell in my body to prepare it for the blood forming cells that would, in fact, save my life. I "checked into" UPMC Shadyside hospital as planned. Suitcase packed with everything from color coordinated sneakers, to coloring books. Kindle loaded. Coursera courses ready to be completed. I was encouraged to walk laps, equalling a marathon, around my assigned hospital wing. Big isolation plans. In reality, I laid in bed most days, too sick to explore anything outside of my blankets. One day I woke up, slipped my sneakers on. Tied the laces. And immediately crawled back in bed. Energy gone. So when I woke up on day 5 (and days 6 and 7) of this isolation, energy eroded, mood sliding into a bad place, I was angry with myself. I worked to hard to get through my last isolation to let this beat me. Waking up on day 8 to the sunshine was helpful. It will be alright. (Pictures from April 2018) #recommence #carryonwithkelley #fuckcancer #storytelling #startingover #ijustlikethispicture #ubud #monkeys (at Greensburg, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-hOYxKgl0N/?igshid=1uurynjj8qya2

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Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go. Nick Hornby I arrived in Pittsburgh airport eight days ago. Only eight days ago I ended my legendary journey that all started because I couldn't figure out how to move forward. And while I saw the places I never had got around to seeing. And I re-visited things I never fully experienced. I saw old friends. I tied up loose ends. And I sparked a few new ideas. And, most importantly, I started to see a path forward. I could imagine myself working again. I was hungry to start exploring new possibilities. I could see myself living a full life, every day, day in and day out, again. And while all of this started to unravel while I was expediting flight plans, it didn't really hit me until day 5 of self isolation. Upon arrival in Pittsburgh I immediately checked into a local circa 1975 motel for what will be a 14 day self quarantine, as prescribed for all those traveling from international destinations. Days 1 - 4 flew by. Maybe these days were easy because of jet lag. Perhaps because when things are new they seem easy, even if this new includes thick golden yellow curtains, outdated furniture and lumpy pillows. And then day 5...a crash. All of these new possibilities that I imagined, again put on hold. Again. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #sydney #startingover #ijustlikethispicture (at Sydney Opera House) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-YUt5JgZJr/?igshid=kjv2p628u3sz

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It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed. Ram Das Brisbane - Sydney - LA - Minneapolis - Pittsburgh My travel path (not by choice...by necessity) the past two days. I feel like this koala, and will take the next day or so to settle in. I will be self isolating until April 6th-ish and plan to use this time to firm up some life (not travel) plans for the rest of 2020. More to follow....... #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #daisyhillkoalasanctuary #koala (at South Greensburg, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-DvjgrAsFQ/?igshid=qq3t170qwgy4

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Love yourself. Then forget it. Then, love the world. Mary Oliver My last Australian sunset. Sydney - LA - Minneapolis - Pittsburgh The airport is busier than I expected, but eerily quiet. At least half the flights on the board are cancelled, which was expected. Of the three LA flights, two are cancelled. My thoughts - they just consolidated all of us to get a full flight. It has been business as usual-ish in Australia these past few weeks. They are slowly starting to see changes, but nothing like what some others are going through. I have been trying to keep up with the news as best I can. And am prepared (as best I can be) for the state of the world I am entering. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #maryoliver (at Sydney Airport) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-AvkYMAG11/?igshid=1jioly3b09fyf

[mcvayk-blog]

Let's swim to the moon. Let's climb through the tide. Surrendered to the waiting worlds. That lap against our side. Jim Morrison King Island. Less than an acre in size, sits off the coast of Wellington Point. At high tide, it's an island. At low tide, the island joins the point. At the lowest tide, you can easily navigate between the two via a sandbar. My epic experience will come to an end tomorrow as I begin to travel home (although I anticipate the trip home to be an experience unto itself). While this is not the termination point I expected, the lessons I have learned and the strength I have gained during this journey will not be diminished. It has been an emotionally charged few weeks for me, as it has been for many of you. One day I may share the stories of these weeks, but for now I will say....at these lowest of times, I feel so connected to the people across the globe that I love. More to follow as I navigate this journey home..... #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #kingisland #lowtide (at King Island Conservation Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/B989U28gBDi/?igshid=gl29aevrpois

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It's a good idea always to do something relaxing prior to making an important decision in your life. Paulo Coelho The koala seem to be experts on this. Sleeping 16-22 hours a day means they are always relaxed before they make that important decision to climb down from their perch and find a new tree. I have been on the hunt for a "koala in the wild" since I arrived in Australia. After several failed attempts, we did see a couple during a morning walk. High atop the gum trees, they blended with the leaves. The experience left me disappointed. Yesterday, to satisfy my desire, we drove to Daisy Hill Koala Sanctuary. Watching Molly do her morning stretches before she took a nap was a delight. I'd been attempting to contact Delta since Friday. Six to eight hour hold times. Calling at very random hours hoping to avoid a rush. Unsuccessful. Last night I had made the important decision to call again, expecting to stay up all night if needed. 37 minute hold time. Something I was not expecting. It was almost comical. When the rep answered, I imagined him crossing my name, the last remaining name, off the list "We've been waiting for you to call Kelley. Our job here is done." #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #daisyhill #daisyhillkoalasanctuary #koala (at Daisy Hill Koala Sanctuary) https://www.instagram.com/p/B92sjQ1gh40/?igshid=o1ymqva11pu3

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I am safe.... As many people have reached out to me, I thought it address the elephant, or rather koala, in the room. I am scheduled to fly from Australia, through LA, to Pittsburgh on March 24. I have been monitoring the situation throughout my travels. I have always felt safe, and never thought there was a health risk for me. I also never thought the situation would progress to where we currently are, so I made the decision, at the time, to continue traveling. Last week when things looked like they were taking a turn, I consulted with my oncologist. Given the information she had, she advised me to change my route, but thought there was no need to adjust my travel date. Of course, things are moving quickly and changing every day. As of today, I will be flying on the March 24th. Given flight availability and hold times at the airlines, this is my plan. I will continue to monitor the situation. I appreciate everyone who has reached out to me. I assure you, I am monitoring the situation and am safe. I am with friends and not floating out there alone. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia (at Sydney, Australia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9qfM_0gaJC/?igshid=1e41w5zjgn9yk

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The art of living in a small town is one of the most difficult to acquire. Doris Lessing I've never excelled at living in a small town. I grew up awkward; uncomfortable. I blamed it on the town. I used to look out my bedroom window, wondering aloud "there has to be more than this out there." I ran the first chance I got. Ran to what, I'm not exactly sure. But the "missing piece" wasn't there so I ran again. This time landing in New York. And for a while New York was right....until it wasn't. And I started the search again....Until I found myself back in that same small town. And the awkward, uncomfortable memories came flooding back. I was finding the re-adjustment to living in a small town so strenuous and exhausting, rather than conform, I ran...again. I ran halfway around the world because that felt more comfortable than just accepting what has been laid out as my current fate. But what if the town wasn't to blame? What if nothing was to blame, and it just took me some time to figure out what it was all about, who I was and what I was supposed to be? What if I can still be that person; that person that I want to be, in a small town? What if after all of my journeys, the most difficult and elusive challenge is to actually accept my current fate and master the art of living in this small town? 🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏🍏 In the midst of all that thinking, a day trip to Stanthorpe was in order. Home of the "big apple", the Apple and Grape Festival, Stanthorpe Cheese and Jersey Girl Cafe for cheese tasting, the Truffiere to sample oils and butters, and Sutton's Farm for apple tasting and a flight of apple cider. A small town at its finest! #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #stanthorpe #smalltowns (at Stanthorpe, Queensland) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9g-6BPg0DH/?igshid=jo4seu6lvk35

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......let me be something of every hour of my life.... Francis Nolan Life expectancy is defined as the average period a person can expect to live. In my case, calculating life expectancy is not as easy as averaging the length of each patients life post diagnosis. It's based on specific life traits (age, gender), how advanced the cancer was at diagnosis, and treatment received; as well as physical and emotional health. Life expectancy is also based on medical data that may be, even if only slightly, outdated. Every day medical breakthroughs are made, adding to the length and quality of life expected. Given all this information, life expectancy is almost a random number. But...still...it's a number. And when someone, that someone being a hematologist, gives you a number like this you pay attention. Him: Three to five years. Me: (a faint nod of the head) Him: Four to six months of treatment. Followed by a stem cell transplant that, on average, takes a year of recovery to get back to normalcy. Followed by treatment in some form or another for, well, forever. I am good at math - I understand. I also recognize the truth of the matter. Some people die quickly after diagnosis. Other people live many years. Everyone of these people have different traits. Everyone of these people has different symptoms, and different treatment plans. Everyone of these people are different. And eventually every one of these people will die. And with that I decided to throw equal effort into treatment AND living. And if I live three years, I will live the fuck out of those three years (currently...17 months in). With that...85 days post transplant (July 2019), when most people are still living in semi-isolation, I flew to Australia. And that is MY life expectancy. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint (at Wellington Point, Queensland, Australia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9Ys4wRg7AW/?igshid=i16fl3qzjsay

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Kookaburra sits on the old gum tree, Merry merry king of the bush is he. Laugh, Kookaburra, laugh, Kookaburra, Gay your life must be! Popular Australian Nursery Rhyme A morning walk through Scribbly Gum Conservation Area, hunting for the elusive Koala that live in tall open gum (eucalyptus) trees in the bushland. Not one to be found. And speaking of elusive, Australia is having a toilet paper shortage. Yes, even as the local grocery store chains are confirming they have ample warehouse supplies, the panicked shoppers have not stopped. Laugh, kookaburra, laugh. I am not making light of the coronavirus spread. As my immune system is compromised because of my disease and treatment, I take this all very seriously. But I also know the answer is not in stockpiling toilet paper. I monitor the situation daily and am being smart (as several of you have voiced your concern). #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #toiletpaper #toiletpapercrisis (at Scribbly Gum Conservation Park) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9Wp0avAlhj/?igshid=1rm692nv6u436

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The universe is not outside of you. Look inside yourself; everything that you want, you already are. Rumi My first, of hopefully many, Australian sunsets. #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #australia #brisbane #wellingtonpoint #sunset (at Wellington Point, Queensland, Australia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9RYl9yAEqT/?igshid=xw5knwt42c9s

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Don’t ever make decisions based on fear. Make decisions based on hope and possibility. Michelle Obama STORY 5...continued MM took me to Starbucks and as I tried to put the pieces together, he listened. He was one step in front of me at all times on the sidewalk, making sure no one got close enough to touch me, to hurt me. For the next 36 hours MM managed the logistics of my current situation - talking to my sister, helping to schedule new travel. Packing a box to be shipped, as I was only traveling with a purse. He cut my food, carried my purse, and held my water. And he listened. MM washed my hair and, with my instruction, pulled it into a (very messy) bun. He dressed me, cutting a sundress to fit over my splint. Tying it over the shoulder. I would remain like this until I landed in Pittsburgh Thursday afternoon, over 48 hours later. And until MM left for the airport Tuesday night, his flight leaving at midnight, he listened. My last 24 hours were spent mostly in my hotel room. MM had created a pillow fortress of sorts so I could rest comfortably sitting up. He stocked the refrigerator full of drinks, and loosened the kids as the simplest tasks were impossible. I ordered a pizza from the restaurant next door, not feeling safe walking any further alone. That was breakfast, lunch and dinner. The hotel staff checked on me. MM had arranged for the driver to take me to the airport at 10; my flight not leaving until 1 am. A wheelchair was waiting, as were several Delta staff members. The look on their faces told the story of how gruesome I looked. Before they could even ask. Me: I have a letter. Doctors permission to fly. And that, as my flight for Australia leaves in an hour, is "Why Bali". #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #indonesia #bali #legian (at Ngurah Rai International Airport) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9LcXiwAqhX/?igshid=1v72syte6j5vu

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I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn. Anne Frank STORY 5 In the morning, it felt as if my arm was dangling unattached of my body. I would find out once I returned to the States that the cancer had eaten through my upper arm bone. At some point the weak bone had snapped and it was, in fact, unattached. The pain was oppressive. MM googled local doctors, pulled my hair up on top my head and tied a bright flowered scarf into a sling. The doctor met us on the street, suggesting, before he even examined me, that we go to the hospital where we were ushered into a room. An administrator provided us with a quote for care. I glanced at MM, knowing he grabbed money from the safe. Him: we have enough. A doctor took me to look at my scans. He pointed to the screen "This is cancer. The surgeon will come to talk to you." Me: I have cancer (I don't know if I said it as a statement or a question) Him: (blank stare) Before I processed the information, a nurse started firing questions. Nurse: When's the last time you ate? Drank? Me: Dinner last night. drinking water all day. Nurse: You'll need to quit drinking. They will operate. Me: (blank stare) Him: (blank stare) Surgeon: We'll cut you here (the length of my upper arm). Insert some pins and plates. Take bone for a biopsy. You'll need someone to take care of you. Me (turning to MM): (blank stare) Him: I'm flying to Queenstown tomorrow night Me (looking at the doctor): I have a flight to Australia Wednesday. Surgeon: I don't think you understand... Armed with a heavy dose of pain medication and a letter clearing me to travel Wednesday night, we attempt to check out. Cashier: that will be (an amount much higher than we were originally told). MM: ummm. I don't have enough. Cashier (looking at me): You can stay here while your husband goes to the hotel for more money. And with that, MM Ubered to the hotel to gather more money as I sat, a literal hostage in the hospital......... #recommence #carryonwithkelley #THISbringsmejoy #fuckcancer #storytelling #traveltheworldwithme #indonesia #bali #legian (at Legian - Bali - Indonesia) https://www.instagram.com/p/B9LbMjCAZrj/?igshid=bclmykgpi7j4