mdnghtscty

[mdnghtscty]

SAG

I’m not sad. I’m not afraid. Not anymore.

That’s what I keep telling myself. It makes sense. Life is good, right? Everything went over well... Everything makes sense now.. or is that just what I keep telling myself? Will it ever make sense? I don't know. I’ve spent time in so many different cities with different people, different mentalities, different lovers. Maybe nothing that I’m saying really makes any sense. Maybe I’m just spewing.. I’m spouting words of so-called wisdom from my wrongly-knighted, prophetic mouth. Inspiring? Am I? You’ll be the one to decide that. I’m just putting all that I have onto paper. My pen is my defense mechanism, defending me from myself - my own mind, my own thoughts. Maybe I will never know. Do i really want to know? If I knew who I would become would I be scared, or would I be happy? Would I still look in the mirror and wonder... or would I know? would I know who i was meant to become as I did in the days of my youth? Many people are telling me who i should be, who I am, who I’m not. Fuck those people. I will never know who I am. WE will never know who we are. We are not meant to be confined to one single being, we are meant to experience all different parts of this world in many different ways. We all change, some more than others, but we all shift. Whether its our dreams, drive, or good looks, we all sag.

We may all sag and our skin may wrinkle, but there is beauty in our wrinkles. Through our so-called ugliness we may look inward - at our souls and selves. Who are you REALLY? What do you go home with at the end of the day? Focus on that, not what people think of you. it is hard, I know. 

[mdnghtscty]

vampires

we're looking for love in all the wrong places clothed by the naked, raped by the faceless masked and mighty away in their towers drunk on their bloodlust high for their flowers

[mdnghtscty]

let the dogs run.

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Pillow

A painted mess A blinded fool I laid to rest My thoughts of you And on my pillow I rest my head But nothing here Will make much sense It's all for naught Or all for me Just give me strength And clarity Give me a hand Or a foothold Just make me smile Just help me know The ones I love- They love me too The ones I seek And ones I choose I choose to know But barely speak I make no sense I always need I always take I always pull Away from me Away from you My mind it travels Wherever it may It spins and wonders It hopes and prays That God exists And heaven too So he can rid My mind of you

[mdnghtscty]

The road

We're telling secrets in the dark and constantly hiding who we really are. We might not have entirely too much to say but quite frankly, I won't live another fucking day on this earth. For far too long this has gone non reported. Our speaking terms have been cut short. All we are doing is holding fast to our consciousness. As we're falling off we soon digress from the primary mission. To be picked up or called upon... the high and noble road that we trample on today. We trudge along with too much inside of us to even speak to another human. For this is where my true and real shadows hide from me along with everyone else. Maybe now has come the day where hope and fear has gone away from me and I can leave selfish and a coward. The shadow creeps and here I lie, awake and on edge. Now the demons have come out to play. I feel them here in every step. I breathe them in with every breath that I take. I cannot see them and their intent with my mere eyes but in my soul their evil lies dormant, taking over every part of me. Forcing my hand.. Or staying it.

[mdnghtscty]

Never Leave Me

I felt it. I felt every second of it.

She looked into my eyes as if I could do no wrong. She laid her head on my chest and I ran my hands through her hair. She always liked that. Her skin was soft. It was always so soft. She hummed a tune as I traced her spine with my fingers. I always liked how she sang. The dimples at the small of her back always seemed to interest me. She rubbed my arm in the most soothing way and I told her how much I missed her. Smiling, she hugged me tightly and whispered, “Please never leave again.” I kissed her and told her that she knew I had to eventually. Her demeanor changed. She began to cry hysterically. I thought back to when I came home from my first tour. I was sixteen. Upon seeing her, she jumped into my arms and showered me in kisses. “I love you” and “I missed you so much" were the only two things she could say. This was the happiest moment of my life. These were not the same tears. She begged me not to go. Still crying, she kissed me repeatedly, now taking off my shirt. She laid me back down on the bed and she continued to undress me. I was confused. When I asked her what she was doing she stopped and looked me dead in the eye. Something was off. She didn’t seem like herself. It was almost like she had become someone completely different. She hissed, “Are you going to leave me again?” She crawled on top of me and kissed my neck. As I began to say yes, she brandished a knife out of thin air and stabbed me repeatedly in the chest.

I woke up.

[mdnghtscty]

Father/Son

Do you ever have moments where you feel like a complete fuck up? Moments where you know you could be so much better than you are, but you simply aren't? Tonight I had one of those moments. I had never really been close with my dad until about 5 years ago when my mother passed away. With her passing came many changes and one of them was that our family was kind of forced to stick together and become close. My dad was also forced to be the compassionate parent as well as doing his previous job (which he was quite good at) of being the scary disciplinarian. Ever since I can remember I've always wanted to make my father proud. He used to take me to my hockey games every weekend while I was in high school. Though he sacrificed his entire weekend most times, I really didn't take into account that he was giving up his only time off to do something that i loved. We spent countless weekends together but we never really had father-son Hollywood moments where we truly connected. Despite that being the case, I wanted to kick ass and win so my dad and I had something to talk about after the games. Tonight, I walked into my room after a long day. I flicked the lights on, peeled my jeans off of my legs, and kicked some shit around so I could make my way to bed. My room is a wreck. There are clothes, books, CDs, whatever, everywhere. There is even a giant glittery pink kimono just chillin' on my nightstand... My nightstand... Though my room looks like the UNI-bomber set off his life's work inside, I can always tell when something is a little bit off. I see a picture frame that my mom's friend gave me as a graduation present. I never put a picture inside but here I saw it, perfectly positioned on top of a small wooden box on my nightstand, with a picture of myself and my father inside. I had not seen the frame in weeks, since I last moved it from the floor to... well the floor. He must have seen it and decided he would put a picture inside. This blew my mind. As I looked up from the picture frame, I look around my room and realize how awful it looks. My father worked his entire fucking life to build us this house and THIS is how I thank him? By refusing to do something as simple as keep my room clean? How fucked up does that sound? My room is so disheveled and messy that he couldn't even find a place to put a picture frame. I instantly felt like the most inferior and ungrateful piece of filth son on the planet. I moved the frame to the top of my dresser where I keep my sword and all my 'real important shit.' When I first noticed the picture frame, I looked, but I did not see. Now that the photo was eye level I could really see the detail. We were both smiling, and happier than I've ever seen myself in a photo with my dad. I look like such a goofball but he looks like he is honestly and truly proud and excited for me. I have not seen that look in eyes in quite some time. Upon realizing this, I am overwhelmed with an empty sort of feeling. Have I let him down? My dad has always expected the world of me, and when I decided to take the path of music rather than college, things were a little weird. Since my graduation, my dad has shown an unbelievable amount of support, but at times, I feel like I'm not the poster child my dad really wanted. I don't make a lot of money, if any, and I still live at home. It's quite disheartening to have to ask my dad to help me pay my overdraft fee after overdrafting my bank account for the fourth time. But no matter what, my dad is always there to catch me, and back me up through thick and thin, and that makes me believe in our bond. Since the hockey trips and my mother passing I have learned a lot about myself and about my family. I hope that I have learned enough to know that no matter what I do my dad will be proud of me, even if he may not show it. It would be incredibly unwise to believe that I shouldn't still do whatever I can to MAKE him proud of me, whatever that means. All humans on this earth should do whatever they can whenever they can to go the extra mile and do something, big or small, to provide happiness for those you care about. Whether it's picking up the check at dinner, taking out the trash, or even lifting the fucking toilet seat, be mindful of what people have given you, especially your parents. Bringing someone joy and making someone proud of you might be two different things, but that sure is a great place to start.

[mdnghtscty]

Finding memories in junk drawers.

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The Prisoner

I lie awake I'm captive here in these walls of gray I know just where this goes It doesn't matter what you did or what you think you said The poison doesn't change the place you go to lie your head The glass in my lungs and the blood on my hands Holds the truth to my throat of who I really am. I lie awake Ten failed attempts through these walls of gray I've lost, so calm, reposed My mind it creeps away as I fall from consciousness. I dream that I have wings and fly far from this bed I break away the chains and find myself instead In the fires of the hell i made inside my head

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Wasted

Wasted time Wasted youth Wasted me Wasted you Wasted breath Wasted head Wasted time spent in my bed Wasted smiles Wasted eyes Wasted truth Wasted lies Wasted thought Wasted time

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Fin

Being in a band, you see a lot of people come and go. Fans grow up, friends are painfully interchangeable, everybody has their own lives. Tonight I was thinking about somebody who I haven’t seen in such a long time and it kind of bummed me out.

In 2011/2012 we played the loft in Poughkeepsie, NY two times. The first was at the a very gk holiday fest which was what we thought of as our ‘first big break.’ Well.. It really wasn’t but we were young and hilariously stupid. The second time we played was upstairs at one of the promoter’s birthday party shows.

During the second show, a girl who I had met at the GK holiday fest was very excited to see me. We’ll call her fin for short to avoid any incrimination or whatever. She told me a lot about herself. She really loved Tim Burton. So much to the point that she said her and her sister called him, ‘father’ and they would pretend they were part of a family. Most people would be kinda weirded out by this out of context but this girl was so unbelievably kind and passionate that I thought, and still think it’s incredible. She then divulged to me a lot of personal information and I was overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but really it was that I couldn’t believe she cared enough about my band and me personally to trust me with this information.

I waited and talked with her outside as she was waiting for her ride or to leave, I don’t remember which. Right before she left, she handed me a bracelet and she made me promise to never take it off. I promised her that I would NEVER ever take it off and that it meant the absolute world to me that she cared about me/our band.

A few months had gone by, and I think we were following warped tour 2012. At this point I had a wristful of bracelets when I realized the bracelet had fallen off. This was a blow to me. Bracelets fell off all the time but there was something about this that really wrenched my heart.

Back in 2012 nobody gave a fuck about our band, but Fin did. Along with a handful of others she introduced me into the world of what it’s like to mean the absolute world to somebody for simply creating music that I loved. Today, she made me realize how delicate relationships with fans and even friends can be. Fin, I’m sorry that your bracelet fell off and I hope these words find you, wherever you are.

[mdnghtscty]

This is my first post on this blog/tumblr/whatever. I don't really know how to use this so everyone is gonna have to bear with me. I'll be posting photos, poems, random thoughts, and whatever I feel at the time. This weekend I spent some time in Miami. Looking up at the sky and realizing how small you are in the grand scheme of things can be a truly liberating experience. The world is a massive place, but extremely small in the same vein.