me1without1you

[me1without1you]

Rage is a sound

The slamming of a door

Your voice ringing in my ears

Even an engine turning over

Can be unusually loud

It's as if the silence in which you were

For those long lonely hours

When there was no one around

Was waiting to be heard

And now you've been silent for so long

It takes effort to remember you

And the rage you displayed

Has long been gone

I no longer get that feeling in my chest

Or narrow my eyes in confusion

I've forgotten what it was even about

But that brings me no rest

Because when I see the happy people

And I'm sometimes happy too

(It's true)

But other times I hear the sound ringing in my ears

I hear it, and I think of you.

[me1without1you]

in those couple of strange minutes, bordering between dark and light, life and death, now and the future - in those strange couple of minutes, all of the years happen simultaneously. all of the new years happen, at once. I stand beside myself and I hold my own hand.

the first ones since I was born, ones I cannot remember (I didn't choose to be born. it's such an odd thing to realise). then, the ones I can remember, loud and full of life and music, so beautiful, and so scary. drunk people - drunk parents - the screams of some scared child somewhere far away, the barking of dogs, the taste of ham and eggs and children's champagne. I'm scared like a child, again, for a moment. the air smells like smoke.

the teenage ones, wild, feeling out of place, feeling so alive, a bit too wasted, a bit too high, heartbroken again. slurring through the phone when I call everyone to wish them happy new years, the embarrassment of the next day as I realise I was barely coherent. the guilt. but I called. everyone is happy to hear from me. fireworks bloom in the skies like a wound.

and now, all those years as an adult, failed plans and successful ones, good parties and disappointing ones. friends I lost. people I've hurt. loved ones I reconnected with. there are lights dancing on the walls. things can never be the same. they don't stay the same. life goes on.

and the future ones, too, they all stand next to me - we're looking at the same skies, the same heart in our chest skips a beat. it's joy - but it's also fear. unknown sadness. I dare not count how many of them are beside me.

and this year... sometimes you're the only one who can truly wish you something for the new year - the only one who does.

so I hold my own hand. might I always have the strength to endure. might my heart be ready for all this grief. might I find joy, always, somewhere, no matter what.

I hope I won't ever be alone. and if I'll have to be, I hope I'll bear it with a song on my lips, and I'll wear it proudly like a kiss from the fates.

[me1without1you]

And I am here, shaking

Trembling, with tenderness

And with fear.

Not knowing

What I don't know

Or where we go from here.

Bright lights

Flicker in my mind

If not the sky

The day is done

And the work is out

But I'll stay just a little bit longer

To catch a glimpse of nothing in the air

There is nothing for me here

There is nothing for me there

I know I need to go.

But where?

— Hope is a four letter word

[me1without1you]

From Two poems by Mahmoud Darwish

[me1without1you]

When I was working in field hospitals during Covid no one worked harder than the cleaning staff. We got so much praise for being medical workers and they never got any recognition and that's never sat right with me.

Housekeepers and Janitors Need Praise As Unsung but Very Much Important

[me1without1you]

April 2

I swatted a mosquito that landed on my hand last week.

It was just trying to have a meal.

It didn't know that it was hurting me

And I couldn't explain that to it

Some people may judge me for that.

But it's not their hand, their pain to bear.

Yesterday I rejected a call from my mother.

She was just trying to talk to her son.

She doesn't know that she's hurting me

And I can't explain that to her

(God knows I've tried)

Some people may judge me for that.

[me1without1you]

April 3

"Why should I help them

He won't help themselves"

Said the man with an anger

Almost as easy to recognize

As his pain

The words on his mouth don't match

The words written on his brow

Which say

"I once needed help

Why didn't anyone help me?"

Maybe this is what you really need

Maybe helping them will help you too

Maybe helping them will help you too

And maybe helping them is the help you really need now

[me1without1you]

It is said that if you grew up with an angry man in your home you will always have an angry man in your head

I grew up with an angry man in my home

And I remember every time you yelled at me, it wasn't often enough to forget, and I really thought that maybe you were really yelling at yourself

You always said that some day I'd understand and I knew you were lying

You were lying, too. I don't understand, I don't

But I still spend time locked in my room, yelling at myself

Silently, so no one can hear.

[me1without1you]

I’ll forever be the person who says "It’s okay, I understand" even when my heart is literally shattering.

[me1without1you]

Dear friend,

The silence has been unbearable. Though your absence has been brief the thought of it being indefinite is consuming me with a gnawing ache, sapping my strength while burdening me with the weight of unanswered questions. Oh why did you leave so suddenly? If you wish to never spare another thought for me please at least answer that. Even if you think it would be unbearably painful and cruel to me, I can assure you that nothing is as devastating as the not-knowing.

Our time together was brief but I think I grew to love you. You were a kindred spirit in whom I felt I could always confide; to whom I never had to explain anything but in whom I could try to explain everything, and learn about myself in doing so. Most of all you inspired in me a long-absent feeling of hope, in the small way I would get excited to tell you something new I learned, or make plans together, or just to try to anticipate what you were thinking. I always tried to keep a respectful distance so as not to startle you, but I wish I could have told you how I loved you as intimately as one can love a friend. I wish I could have told you how much it meant to me that you would often pause to ask how I was doing and how that reminded me that I was worthy of love and not meant to subjugate my own feelings to keep an uneasy peace. You are beautiful, and beautiful especially in how you responded in kindness to a world that had been so often been so unkind to you. I wept for the first time in a year when I learned how you had been abused and yet few things have inspired me as much as the person you became in spite of it. I know you often overlook your positive qualities and truthfully no mirror could ever fully reflect how incredible and important they are. I did try.

In short, I am heartbroken. Even the most sudden of ends themselves come to an end but I never anticipated an end with you. That might be somewhat selfish but maybe you would understand. It's hard for me to trust people, and I know you know that, but if I were to see you again I don't think that I would be afraid of you. Maybe I was wrong, and maybe you wore a facade that was so convincing or so comforting that I couldn't or I refused to see through it, but I don't think so. I hope not. In spite of everything, that hope remains.

You always struck me as someone who was never loved as much as you deserved, who was not supported even though you are worthy of support and we deserve to see what you could you would accomplish if you weren't made to fend for yourself. I know you've been searching for love, friends, and home; and I hope you find it. I had hoped to see it, but even a word letting me know that you were somewhere where you felt at peace with yourself and your world would allieviate all of my confusion and anxiety. This world was not just built for sorrows, Willow. You deserve to be happy.

I don't know how exactly to end this. It feels like the end has already been written for me. It's another beginning that I lack, one that I hope for but that I don't expect. I said goodbye but you didn't say it back. I won't forget that silence on the other end. I won't forget you. I miss you.

[me1without1you]

there are gods you’ll see on a warm summer day, when the sun is close and ripe, and the air smells like flowers in full bloom, and like young wine goes to your head

there are gods you’ll see when the snowy night has covered the world in a deep dark shroud and your soul is bare against the judgement of the stars

there are gods you’ll see when you look into the eyes of a stranger and catch a glimpse of a long forgotten lover, overflowing with promises of many sleepless nights

there are gods you’ll see when your heart boils with anger and your spirit fills with wicked desires, as red as blood and as blood sweet

there are gods you’ll see when the pain tears you like thorns and nettles, and there are gods you’ll see when loneliness burdens you like a heavy unwanted crown

there are gods you’ll see in songs, in the beating of the drums and of the hearts, in the shimmer of a mountain stream and the depth of the sea, gods of wolf’s howl and of the forest

there are gods you’ll see many times on your path, and there are gods you’ll see only once in your lifetime, gods you’ll be happy to see and those you’d rather forget

there are gods you’ll see in the dreams

gods you’ll see in the smoke

gods you’ll see in the mirror

whatever you do, don’t look at them too long.

[me1without1you]

I always thought it was the tuberculosis.

smoking that shit that made Franz Coughka

[me1without1you]

“I am still in my body, I have time to build, my blood will be red long after the rose is gone.”

— Rainer Maria Rilke, tr. Robert Bly

[me1without1you]

Thank you Tumblr for the beautiful landscapes-tempting foods, cute cats and dogs..and wonderful vibrant Spring flowers–however..WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC..any thoughts? (Curator of hope and doom). <3 

“We can see nothing today that wants to grow greater, we suspect that things will continue to go down, down, to become thinner, more good-natured, more prudent, more comfortable, more mediocre, more indifferent… Here precisely is what has become a fatality…together with the fear of man we have also lost our love of him, our reverence for him, our hopes for him, even the will to him. The sight of man now makes us weary—what is nihilism today if it is not that?—We are weary of man.”

— Nietzsche -

[me1without1you]

“I love you: body shared, undivided. Neither you nor I severed. There is no need for blood shed between us. No need for a wound to remind us that blood exists. It flows within us, from us. Blood is familiar, close.”

— Luce Irigaray, When Our Lips Speak Together (via frenchtwist)

[me1without1you]

“Sorrow is a word that means nothing until it means everything.”

— Patricia A. McKillip, The Book of Atrix Wolfe

[me1without1you]

Come Home

in my fragility, me

I'm an unpredictable liability

nearly impossible to love

but irresistible to leave

we keep love alive, we

share a vulnerability

I can't possibly describe

like an archer with an arrow

an inexplicable dream

caution and courage of a sparrow

yet, somehow we survive

a window kept open is love

awaiting your midnight return

believing in the tufted faith

of your wingspan to press on

through uncertainties, blinded by

darkness and hibernating star,

billowed in destiny

my taper lit

to guide your course

come home to me-

cradle your thoughts

within my heart's bow

and though moments of loneliness

pass ever so slowly

I know you'll come home to me

understand we'll forever be

united where love's fire blazes

where unimaginable intimacy amazes

it's exactly enough

though others will never see

our love

you and I do not require eyes

to see, feel, experience

this beauty our relationship reveals

©️ @followcb & @rhapsodyinblue80

December 25, 2020

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*When harsh circumstances riddle your heart with doubt and fear, retrace your steps back toward love.