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[meandcptsd]

please stop telling trauma survivors that it “made us who we are”.

it’s a huge disservice to us and implies that we needed the trauma. we didn’t.

some of us don’t want to be defined by it. some of us haven’t become better people because of it. some of us stayed who we are despite it. don’t give the trauma credit for us being able to make it through and survive.

[meandcptsd]

Eastern Screech Owl (Red Morph)

[meandcptsd]

when i was depressed those “reasons not to kill yourself” lists never helped.. maybe they do for some people but for me they actually made me feel worse. it was like….here’s a reminder that there are all these things other people find joy in that you can’t. with a sprinkle of guilt because “your family/friends will miss you.”

what i needed to hear, and so what i’ll tell any of you reading this who are in the same situation, was: a lot of people recover from mental illness and go on to live full lives. it’s quite likely that with treatment, a time will come when you won’t want to die anymore and you’ll find joy in everyday life. yes, you. stay alive for that possibility.

[meandcptsd]

being the eldest daughter is just *asks mother what’s wrong* *cannot express emotions* *”don’t worry i’ll do it”* *fiercely independent but only bc you would rather die than inconvenience someone by asking for help* *carries the trauma of your entire family* *asks mother what’s wrong* *the constant feeling of guilt that has no known origin* *third parent. maybe even replacement father if urs is shitty enough* *emotional punching bag for both parents* *not even a slight clue as to what a healthy boundary is* *asks mother what’s wrong*

[meandcptsd]

I’m allowed to be angry about what happened. I am allowed to be angry about what you did.

[meandcptsd]

Note to Self

My family: What am I supposed to do? What do you want from me?! Me: For you to not pick up the phone when our abusive parent calls! Them: I can’t do that! Me: WHAT IS STOPPING YOU?! 

[meandcptsd]

You are more than what happened to you.

[meandcptsd]

what is freedom when you’ve been traumatized? you carry the cage with you.

[meandcptsd]

how to tell if your “friend” is not being a friend:

every time you talk about a problem, you have to spend time convincing them it’s a real problem

you have to convince them that your feelings are real and justified 

you have to explain to them, more than once, to stop saying things that genuinely make you feel awful

you have to be understanding of their point of view entire time, but that doesn’t work both ways, they don’t do it back

you have to be understanding to the point where you accept that they wont ever see your point of view

if your problems make them uncomfortable you have to stop talking

they compete with you and try to prove you that their situation is worse no matter what you struggle with

they try to convince you to get over yourself and to not think of yourself too highly

they make you feel like your opinions, actions or emotions are stupid, and like you should be ashamed for expressing anything to anyone

they pick up on your vulnerabilities then use them against you in critical times

they say things they know will hurt you, to get to you

they hurt you to prove their point and think it’s legit reason to cause you pain

they talk down to you, act as if you’re not capable of making good decisions, scare you into not doing as you wanted, make you feel inadequate and inexperienced in comparison to them

they don’t care if they tire you out with their problems

they don’t care if you’ve already given them more than you comfortably can give

they don’t find you worthy of their compassion and care

they don’t think you’ve deserved their attention or admiration

they neglect you and then come back to you when they need you

they act as if it’s normal for you to spend much more energy and time on them than they do in return

they expect unlimited compassion, kindness, energy, time and care from you, and act as if it’s the least you could do for them

they don’t even consider going that length in return

if they forget, even for a second, that you’re a human being

they’re not to be trusted.

[meandcptsd]

"Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and, in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from their selves."

“The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk

[meandcptsd]

When you’re growing up in abusive environment there’s such a strong feeling of “not belonging here”, “not being a part of anything” and feeling like you’re not supposed to be among humans at all, and only wishing that someone would come already and take you home. To another planet, where there’s people like you, where you wouldn’t be a burden or nuisance, where you wouldn’t feel guilty for just being, for existing as you are. It feels all wrong, being in a place where you’re so despised, as if it would be better if you didn’t exist at all. We all just want to go to our real home.

[meandcptsd]

Isolation from support and reassurance is the essential part of the trauma. I was surprised when I first learned that people who are put thru traumatizing experience, if they immediately get support, comfort, reassurance and love, both during the trauma and afterwards, they mostly don’t develop post traumatic stress disorder, they’re able to process and incorporate it. Basically, a human’s ability to accept and survive trauma largely depends on how supported they are, on having a strong community and knowing things will once again, be okay.

When you’re going thru trauma from young childhood, you’re often on your own and isolated from support. Even if you do have friends, how would you tell them? Just being abused isolates you from society because you can’t relate to non-abused people, you do not live in the same reality. Just imagining a life without a constant threat looming over your head, without measuring your every move in fear of how your abuser would react, is difficult.

And abusers use this, they use it to make you believe that it’s you who is different, weird, at fault for everything you’re going thru. They attack your sanity. Because how would you prove them wrong? You do feel out of place everywhere, because if you were a part of something, surely nobody would allow you to go thru all that suffering alone, surely someone would care about helping you. It becomes incredibly easy to believe that you’re overreacting, making things up, that you’re really just a dead burden on society and have nobody to blame but yourself. After that, it’s easy to gaslight you, to force you to doubt your own memories and senses.

So now, instead of just fighting trauma, you have to fight for your own sanity, and all while knowing that no matter what you say, you will not be believed, you will be dismissed, and at no point will things be okay for you. Even surrounded with people, you cannot ask for help, even revealing what you’re going thru is likely to get people to distance themselves from you, or blame you for it all, rather than offering support. At that point, abusers can do absolutely anything to you, and they will go unpunished. You’re completely at their mercy, and they will have you believe that it’s how things are supposed to be, you are at their disposal for anything they want, and it’s your fault if they hurt and torture you.

I also found out, that isolation alone is a form of torture for humans, not being able to share their experiences and feelings with others, to receive attention and recognition and form intimate bonds, people will start losing hope and their will to live if they’re forced to survive like this. For abused, this is happening at all times, they can’t share, can’t ask for attention, or be intimate without putting themselves in danger. Even if they’re surrounded with people, they don’t feel like they have a status of a human being, it’s like a constant impostor syndrome, fretting the moment people will find out you’re not really one of them.

It’s fairly impossible to describe the pain and trauma of surviving like this, but I just want to acknowledge this much. It is cruelty to emotionally or physically isolate people from support and people they can relate to, even if they’re not traumatized. It’s cruelty to attack their sanity, to gaslight them and make them doubt their own experiences, making it impossible for them to speak out and feel confident in their own reality. And if on top of all this, they’re also undergoing emotional abuse or violence, it’s downright horrifying. No human should be subjected to this. No child, or adult, should be put thru this.  

[meandcptsd]

Abusive parents will hurt you and then demand to control how you react to it, they will hit you and then shout at you for dodging or fighting back, they will scream, threaten, terrify and abuse you for years and then demand you stop displaying trauma symptoms. This is something that isn’t even done to animals, you don’t get angry if you hurt an animal and it escapes, or starts acting scared and upset around you, it’s obvious that it’s only natural and instinctive way to act. But abused children aren’t even allowed that, our instincts to back away from pain, to show fear or reluctance to approach to those who have proven to be dangerous to us.

And to make it one step worse, what’s expected of us constantly changes based on abuser’s mood, if abuser wants us to obey them out of pure terror, they want that terror to be seen on our face, it satisfies them, it reassures them they can control us, they don’t want us to be normal or safe in those moments, we have to display terror thru blind obedience. But then, in other situations, they want us to act as if we were a nice cozy family all along, like they never terrified us at all, to hug them and display natural shows of affection and love, to tell them how much we appreciate them and act for others as if they’re not scary at all. They want us to show trauma symptoms like strong self hatred, self blame, toxic shame and guilt, whenever they want to use it against us, but then at another moment have to figure out that now it’s the time to act as if nothing of this is happening and we’re happy and well adjusted, and any trauma symptom that reflects badly on them at this time, is forbidden.

One thing we are never, ever allowed to display, is our anger with them. Every attempt at showing anger or holding them accountable is met with punishment, violence, blaming and threats until they break us completely and make us feel helpless and hopeless. Because our anger is so on point, so righteous and gives us ability to dismantle our doubts, to know they’re to be held accountable, that they’re guilty and not us, it’s a big threat to all of the brainwashing and grooming, and they will go far out of their way to keep it repressed and directed at us instead.

Just how far do we have to control our nature and behaviour in order to survive? Living contained and controlled like this is torture. Taking responsibility for everything done to us, not knowing when we’re going to get hurt again just for failing to display wrong feelings at the wrong time? This is against human nature, it’s against life and freedom. No human can live like this, to have their entire life appropriated for someone else’s benefit. Our lives and our feelings belong to us alone, the right to say what we feel without anyone violently silencing us or casting a doubt on weather it’s okay to express it or not, that belongs to us. We are not born to feel guilty for every emotion we feel that makes someone else looks bad, it’s their actions that make them bad, not our reactions to it. Our reactions do not appear out of thin air, they’re consequences of real events. Nobody gets a monopoly on what we’re allowed to feel.

[meandcptsd]

Something my mum told me. Good I think.

[meandcptsd]

Reconciling the two notions “I have a mental illness, but I still want to live the best and fullest life I can” and “Today, the best and fullest life I can manage is one where I just stay alive” has been pretty much the hardest part of all of this but the most important one, too. 

[meandcptsd]