mebabymocha-blog

[mebabymocha-blog]

Level Up!

If I remember last time when I applied for the scholarship, done the IELTS test, and applied for the uni - everything just felt like God made it super simple for me. There was a lot of God's help, I worried about nothing except my performance and therefore all I had to do is just practice, practice, and practice. Now that I have used all my luck... I don't think this one's gonna be easy as before.

Starting from my parents' decision that they don't want me to go again. There's a lot of things they consider: they're getting old and they have sickness (common sickness that old people get), MY AGE getting old and that a as women I should not marry past 27 and should not bear pregnancy past 30) and this and that. These make me feel like..... I want to cry all the time. I know they are my parent and I NEED THEIR BLESSING to progress with anything in my life. But that's what they said when I told them I want to pursue my PhD in the UK again next year. I feel down.

Maybe... just maybe. I believe that when it feels hard, it means that you are leveling up! Or maybe this is me just trying to be positive for once. This is God testing me, and if I pass, then it means I am really capable of continuing my PhD degree (I know it's not gonna be as easy as master's). And how do I do that? With communicate and fight for what I know is right and good for me. But, why do I feel bad when I am being persistent with my dream and not just agree on what my parent's want?

I used to avoid a lot of sensitive discussions with my closest ones - including my parents. But if I think about it... being an adult means that you have to have that ability, to be able to have a hard discussion over an important topic, but not take it to the heart. This is why I think all this obstacles are God's doing and that I have to pass it just like any other tests like IELTS, scholastic test, and literally any test. He wants me to level up, and in case I face this situation again in the future (I will surely do - be it with my future husbands, in laws, supervisor(?), boss, and anyone else) He wants me to be able to handle it like a big girl. OKAY NOW, CHIN UP AND JUST BELIEVE THAT WHATEVER IS IN YOUR WAY, YOU CAN SURVIVE!

[mebabymocha-blog]

well I think I can say that the history repeats. Here I am, a jobless not-so-fresh graduate of master's degree, wanting to do a PhD with a huge doubt of "wHetheR I neEd iT oR dO I jUsT wAnT tO dO iT?" especially with some people around me that said "you better do it in here in this country, no need to go abroad again since you already did for 1 year" "heyyyy it's gonna take a long time and by the time you fiinish; what are you, like 32? it's not gonna be a good time for you to have your first child by that age". Those people are not just any people; they are the closest people my "green circle" that I used to never expect them to say those things to me. I'm crying inside but yeah life's tough.

writing my 1st scholarship essay

This would be a big rant. Well, I’ve been writing my essay for chev scholarship since September and it hasn’t even finish until now. Am I tired? Yes. Am I guilty? Of course. I feel like I’ve lost words and I don’t even know what to write. I’ve spent my 23 years of life doing nothing but SLEEP… I don’t have a worthy experience of leadership and building a network, hence, what am I to write in my essays? I don’t know whether i NEED to do a master degree or maybe I just WANT it. I don’t know what I’m chasing for, I don’t know what my goals are. I feel like stopping here but things are just gonna get worse if I do: I will blame myself even more because this scholarship only opens once in a year so if I fail this year, I have to apply another year which (i think) I’ll be too old by then :”)))))

[mebabymocha-blog]

It's been 4 months!

Wow! I haven't write for such a long time. I am in a very different place now. Guess what? I won the scholarship and got the acceptance from Ed uni! I arrived here exactly 4 months ago hehehe. Things have been changing so much. Like, SO MUCH. I have never moving out my house this far away. Currently I'm sitting in a cafe in my favourite building of this uni. I am suppose to study but I'm bored. It's getting dark outside and it's only 4 pm. But days are starting to get longer now, yay! I love winter, but I hate the cold, I love that I can do my night pray long before my bed time. I love that I can do my morning prayer as late as 8 am. But when the outside started to get dark, it feels like I am forced to go inside my house, get every task done, and sleep immediately (lol) while it was only 4 pm. Imagine!!! That's why have this love-hate relationship with winter. Also, I expect to see a lot of snow but, what the heck? The snow fall was only last for 40 minutes and by the time I was down from Arthur's Seat, I can't even see the rest of the snow.

Semester 1 grades are started to be published. As well as dissertation supervisor. Semester 2 has not even started yet but I already got the anxiety. The last 4 months was hard for me. I got sick twice, and it affected my mental so much. I hate to get sick, especially when my mom's not around. I learned that now, everything depends on me. Everything. And the quote of "if you win the morning, you win the day" is no doubt, 100% true. I try to wake up regularly 5 am every morning, thanks to my lovely baby boy this is not a big problem. I would go to the kitchen, filled up my 1L thermal flask for in-bed warm-water-supply the whole day hahahaha. And I would cook for at least 2 portion of meals. I love to have toast for breakfast, or yesterday's rice if any. Then I cook and store it in a food container and bring everything to my room. I love to eat in my room! And if I wake up late and missed all these routines, I would be grumpy and refuse to cook and therefore I cant eat:( I dont know why but this happened a lot. I hate waking up late.

My 2-year-ago self would be so proud of me that I can wake up at 5 and cook my own meal. I NEVER cook before, well maybe just an omelet and instant noodles. But here, I can make fried rice, stir-fry kqwetiau, aglio e olio spaghetti, carbonara spaghetti, creamy shrimp, honey-soy chicken, and the list will be added along the way (yeaaay!).

Well it's a long write and my computer battery is only 15% now. It really is getting dark outside omg it's only 15.54 come on. Think I'm gonna wrap this up here. Hopefully I can write again in the future ahahahahahahaha. Cheers!

[mebabymocha-blog]

Raw thoughts #1

I loved to write anything that happened in my life and look back at it someday and think "wow, there were days like that and i survived in one piece anyway". Through writing, i can recall how i felt about certain events that i mostly forget (thanks to my pea brain). Most of the time, i dont even remember that i have passed those experiences🥲. Thus i feel like writing my thoughts down will be a fun thing to do. Yet my perfectionist side always put those writings to just end up in the draft section because they're not "good" enough to be read. Soooo, i've been thinking....to just write anything i want to and post it afterwards. Without trying hard to make it perfect. Without constantly trying to fix it and let the words flow. So here is my first raw writing that i make while waiting for my ophtalmologist because its been way too long and i am bored and hungry and want to lay back on my bed.

Moral story? None. Because this tumblr is meant to be a platform for my longer rants hahaha yeay.

[mebabymocha-blog]

What a waste..

Bulan November ini setelah submit Chv, terbuang sia-sia begitu saja¬. Indeed, i had plans on what to achieve in this very month. Rencananya, seharusnya at least ada bahan untuk bikin motivation letter, lalu sudah ada signed reference letters, dan cicil belajar IELTS. Apalagi, harusnya 2 minggu pertengahan November ini ikut kelas IELTS yang sudah sepaket dengan bimbingan scholarship. But guess what? I MISSED the whole class. Why? Because I just do not feel like joining the class:-) If there's somebody i hate so much in this world that's dumb and lazy and ungrateful enough, it would be me.

I'm not trying to find a reason why it all happened, and I'm not gonna defend myself too.

First week of November: TOUGH.

My parents went overseas for twelve days. What a misery. Had to prepare my own meals, doing my own laundry, and -this one’s weird- feeling unprotected all days. Yes, weird but it is what it is.

Another this month’s highlight: COVID’s case melonjak tinggi lagi :”) which means i have to work harder than before, pulang dinas pagi bisa jam 5 sore, dinas siang jam 11 malam, dan dinas malam jam 11 siang. See what drained all of my energy? Had to be in the redzone the whole shift, documenting 8-10 patients nursing care plans, and many many things happened at work. 

In this very end of November i just want to say... it’s okay. it’s always going to be okay. Let’s work harder [not smarter, because i’m not:”( ]. Let’s put up the ideas and make great motivation letters biar lolos apply kampus dan bisa sekolah lagi tahun depan di tempat yang sebaik-baiknya hihihi. Ayooo semangat. Tapi karena sudah malam, mari kita bobo dulu karena besok dinas pagiii.

[mebabymocha-blog]

I Submitted My Chv Essay

Akhirnya setelah kebingungan yang amat sangat karena tidak tahu lagi mau nulis apa, aku submit jugaa essay beasiswaku. Hehe. Rasanya belum lega karena habis ini akan banyak lagi proses yang harus dilewati. It’s okay, one step at a time! Tapi bulan November nanti akan paralel antara nyusun motlet-motlet, bikin surat referensi, dan belajar IELTS. Target Desember udah apply kampus, lalu maksimal Januari sudah punya IELTS, lalu Februari apply beasiswa LPDP dan AAS:”) sungguh kalau dibayangin berat sekali (dijalanin juga pasti sangat berattt) tapipasti terlewati kok! entah gimana hasilnya, biar Allah yang menentukan :”)

Jadi kemarin sempat putus asa nulis essay karena kalau melihat referensi essay dari alumni, kok kayaknya punya mereka bagus banget ya? banyak pengalaman menarik, kualitas diri mereka kelihatan banget dari essay tersebut, planning study dan careernya juga kelihatan realistis dan achievable. Meanwhile punyaku kayak kopong isinya hahahaha. Ditengah-tengah kebingungan akhirnya iseng buka web Chv dan ada artikel yang ditulis oleh alumni, intinya dia menyemangati future applicants dan dia bilang “it’s their job to decide whether your essay is good enough or not, your job is only to apply. Don’t do their job and finish yours instead” yaaa kira-kira begitu lah dan WOW. Kalau dipikir, iya juga ya bro....

Akhirnya mencoba lanjutin essaynya lagi. Pas lihat-lihat essay alumni (iya, tetap dilakukan walau agak bikin down) dan dengerin video youtube tentang bikin essay chv, aku nemuin juga apa aja yang sekiranya mau ku tulis di essayku. Hehehe lalu lanjut deh bikin sampai essay 1 dan 2 nya agak gemuk, essay 3 dan 4 mulai kelihatan arahnya dan tinggal di elaborate aja. Permasalahannya, sampai di essay 3 dan 4 mulai bingung lagi karena terlihat sekali aku masih bingung dan ga jelas apa maunya. Isinya jadi kayak cuma asbun (re: asal bunyi), benar-benar gak realistis. Lalu down lagi.....

Terus seperti biasa scroll-scroll instagram karena udah loyo banget. Eh pas banget nemu post yang tulisannya kayak gini: “Daftar beasiswa yang tidak membutuhkan sederet prestasi untuk dapetin awardnya. No 1=Chv” WOW WOW....Diingetin lagi sama semesta untuk cuek aja, gausah peduli kalau aku ga punya prestasi dan pencapaian. Intinya: daftar aja udeh! urusan lolos atau tidak yaudah itu rezeki.. lagi pula kalau gak coba apply tahun ini pasti akan nyesel setahun penuh kedepan karena lo tetap harus cobain berjuang as early as possible regarless the outcome! istilah ala-ala scholarship hunter: jatah gagal harus diabisin selagi masih muda:”)

Akhirnya, here I am pagi-pagi H-1 deadline udah daftar. Entah apapun hasilnya, aku pasrah. Toh ini bukan satu-satunya pilihan beasiswa untuk study abroad. Toh orang yang membuat gue kagum dengan segala prestasi dan kecerdasannya aja harus appy 3-4 kali sebelum akhirnya awarded. Toh kalau ga lolos, masih banyak kesempatan (kerja) buat gue yang patut dicoba tahun depan untuk upgrade diri lebih baik lagi (dan ngumpulit duit juga ya kan....). Agak pahit si nulisnya tapi yasudahlah. Let’s focus on doing what I should do aja gitu intinya. Yeay. Yuhu.

[mebabymocha-blog]

Dua hari ini dapat jadwal kerja dinas pagi dan pulangnya nggak hujan. Alhamdulillah. Serunya dinas pagi itu selalu merasa seperti orang normal pada umumnya: bangun tidur-berangkat kerja pagi-sore udah lelah sampai rumah-malam udah ngantuk tidur. Kepala pun nggak pusing karena jam tidur dan jam istirahat sesuai sama jam tubuh. Serunya lagi, jalan pulang itu selalu bagus kalau nggak hujan. Iya, bagus......

Jadi ingat status WA ibu-ibu yang pernah gue lihat, beliau bilang "terkadang kita merasa pekerjaan di RS ini lebih berat tapi gajinya lebih sedikit daripada di RS X yang kerjanya lebih ringan tapi gajinya lebih besar. Padahal, bisa aja Tuhan mengganti nikmat lebihan gaji itu dalam bentuk rezeki lainnya".

Nah itulah yang gue rasakan. Di RS lain mungkin nggak seberuntung gue yang berkesempatan pas berangkat dan pulang kerja lewatin barisan pohon palem raja yang gagah dan tinggi-tinggi, semak bunga asoka warna warni, bentangan danau yang berkilau saat diterka sinar matahari, dan kumpulan bunga ketul yang berlomba-lomba terlihat jadi bunga paling manis di kanan dan kiri pavement. Indah banget dipandang:")

Melewati itu semua sambil dengerin playlist lagu-lagu pop dan nyetir kendaraan pribadi: NIKMAT.

Stimulus audio: top. Stimulus visual: max -> mau minta apa lagi?!

What a perfect way to end the day! Ini tulisan yang sebenarnya dibuat untuk pengingat agar gue terus bersyukur dan nggak gampang mengeluh. Bahwasannya, pekerjaan itu gak selalu tentang nominal salary yang didapat. Tapi hal sesimple keindahan visual di area kerja itu juga ngurangin stres dan jadi mood booster tersendiri. Hehe.

[mebabymocha-blog]

you chose to leave out this city, now we're pluto and mars

despite all the miles apart, you still looking for my complexion

and a unique, scrambled pieces that you consider as a masterpiece that'll do great in your display cabinets

let me tell you your mistake: you keep digging for all the beauty from one thing

but honey, don't you know beauty fades?

[mebabymocha-blog]

writing my 1st scholarship essay

This would be a big rant. Well, I’ve been writing my essay for chev scholarship since September and it hasn’t even finish until now. Am I tired? Yes. Am I guilty? Of course. I feel like I’ve lost words and I don’t even know what to write. I’ve spent my 23 years of life doing nothing but SLEEP... I don’t have a worthy experience of leadership and building a network, hence, what am I to write in my essays? I don’t know whether i NEED to do a master degree or maybe I just WANT it. I don’t know what I’m chasing for, I don’t know what my goals are. I feel like stopping here but things are just gonna get worse if I do: I will blame myself even more because this scholarship only opens once in a year so if I fail this year, I have to apply another year which (i think) I’ll be too old by then :”)))))

[mebabymocha-blog]

This tumblr is 10 y.o?

Well, i’m surprised Google reminded me this tumblr’s birthday. I do really want to express what i think but i’m not good at words or whatsoever haha. Maybe I’ll start to write here? We’ll see..