medicaltechnician - Tumblr blog

[medicaltechnician]

im in a terrible love triangle line 😭😭😭

i have a crush on this dude, this dude totally likes my bestie (or at the very least does not like me romantically, but if u saw em today… damn they’d be a cute couple), my bestie is in love with one of our other friends and that friend is in love with some other random guy

actually put me down. i wish no one ever encouraged this crush, i wish no one said i “had a chance” i dont. and to think i deluded myself into thinking i did

i hate how much this is affecting me, i should of knew from the get go. why did i let my dreams get ahead of me, im so pissed rn.

okay im not pissed. but theres a lot of emotions and idk. im just tired. and still cant help but dream of him. remembering stuff fondly and that those events means he HAS to like me. even though I know it isn’t true.

n i cant even talk to anyone bout this cause 1) bestie is Literatly involved, probs will talk to him bout it later tho. if he brings it up, 2) Thats My Crush and Root of my problems

3) i’m not close to anyone else in the friendgroup enough to embarrass myself over this

4) i also. just dont know how to bring this shit up to people. im terrible at communicating my emotions. so i’ll just stew and bottle this up again lol

[medicaltechnician]

I keep thinking about the guy who decided to sit besides me on the bus today. (mentions of s/h, drug use)

I wish I would of curbed my fear, he was harmless. But it's ingrained in me. I also haven't really left my house in months. Talked to a stranger like that.

He was definitely on something. I hope I made/kept his high pleasant. I've been there with bad trips.

I can't stop thinking about him though. I wonder if I will forget about it by tomorrow. I hope he's doing okay. I hope he made it to his friends house okay. I hope they got to listen to that CD together, I hope he got to have a hot shower with all this cold weather. Like he said he was going to. I hope him and ____ have a great time. I hope he's able to express his appreciation. I just hope the best for him.

I wish I had gotten over my fear sooner. I wish I had asked how he was. If he was okay. Maybe I did, I'm bad at socializing and have terrible hearing. I wish I had the hearing I had as a child, I was such a good listener.

I'd be an even better listener now, one that know's how to engage. If I was able to hear. But the heaters were blasting and the traffic was loud. And he was mumbling a lot. I hope I came off as caring, I hope he didn't know I was scared, or if he did. I hope he saw my effort. I wanted him to feel comfortable. I don't know.

He had faded s/h scars. At least I think they were faded, I hope so. I didn't want to stare. I wish I had asked if he was doing okay. Offered a bag of chips I had. Anything. I wish I had done more.

He seemed younger than me. But my perception of that tends to be skewed, I tend to feel to feel 10 times older than I am around my peers, and 10 times younger than I am around my elders.

I hope those around him show their love for him. That he's appreciated, has someone to confine in. It hurts when you don't.

A part of me wishes I took that route a lot. That I would run into him again. I want to check in on him. I managed to create some weird paternal instinct towards him. Maybe it's just how I'm built. I can't help but wish the best to those perceived younger than me. I don't know, he seemed to have young eyes.

I don't know why he decided to sit besides me. Maybe it's the way I dress. I tend to wear bad-boy clothing. Or maybe I just look like a stoner. I am after all. I think he noticed my long hair and tried to be suave the second time he said hi. I tried to keep my voice deeper and masc. I'm just one of the dudes. That didn't help my fear to be honest. I don't know. Worried he was gonna start hitting on me. An ingrained fear. I don't think I'll loose it anytime soon.

I hope I helped him in some way, even if it was subconscious.

[medicaltechnician]

its so hard looking for a psychologist rn cause im just scared of everyone. i look at their profiles and im like nnn nope that seems like ill have a bad time. im vilifying these poor people in my head

[medicaltechnician]

idk why ive been feeling so apathetic as of late. there's obviously spikes of emotion. but for the most part it's void? I can't even come to care about my friends too well. If I see them complaining online about something, it's indifference from me. Even something fucked up. but i just can't care and I guess i'd say I hate that but idk. nothing. logically I do. I shed a couple of tears every once in a while but there's no emotion attatched. not one i can name anyways. I should care that I'm not doing anything to better myself, i should care that i'm procrastinating on something that could get me a jump start in game dev. I should care that I even have that oppertunity, but I can't. I just want to curl up and forget the world, let the world forget me. Maybe sleep forever. Pretend im someone else, living their life. knowing what the outcome would be, since im in control of the story I write in my head. That I don't even write it just comes to me, much like t0mska stated in one of his creation vids, he doesn't write they write themselves and yet I feel like im complaining about nothing. that everything i wrote here is false and an act and I feel stupid bout writing it out. I don't feel stupid. I don't feel anything. I just can't express that well over text since I have a writing style of dramatics. Apathetic. that's all whatever

[medicaltechnician]

bro my tit has been like everyonce in a while stabbing pain. come onnn, i dont want think bout it. when the illness anxiety starts kicking in

[medicaltechnician]

so hard to focus on work i'm supposed to be working on when ster decides to go fucking live RAH It's good background noise ngl, wish i could call with someone n bounce ideas off though. I'm such a teamworker ew wtf. Middle school me was wrong when i said I hate group work. But also correct cause not everyone wants to work. Public school and required pre-req class group work sucks.

[medicaltechnician]

had a very healing talk with a friend, very happy it happened, i have my own issues i gotta work through when it comes to how i view my friends, and more and more I am seeing signs pointing towards promodol psychosis. So, I will take that leap and get my mental health sorted out before I go back to the work force, which sucks, but it’s what I have to do. (or at least get that stupid ball rolling cause oh my god. it’s so hard to start)

[medicaltechnician]

Little ster edit I made… Cause there needs to be more in the world :>

special thanks to like the 5-10 people on this website who upload ster clips. This is dedicated to y’all <3

Audio: noir.audioss on tiktok

Song: Like Me - Chase Icon

[medicaltechnician]

this video from ashl3y's twitter <3<3<3

[medicaltechnician]

Ster fancam attempt going great, I have to go clip collecting some more ugh

[medicaltechnician]

ster stream has interrupted this process

gonna try and do a fancam/edit wish me luck o7

[medicaltechnician]

gonna try and do a fancam/edit wish me luck o7

[medicaltechnician]

WHAT HAPPENS IF I GO BY STAR ONLINE. WHAT THEN HUH 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨🔨

[medicaltechnician]

okay I'd love to talk to my doctor about this but I don't trust my fuckign doctor. I'm gonna get brushed off, it happened with my suicidal tendencies and possible adhd. Idk, i don't like her, I really need a new one lmao

so i might experience like, a little bit of psychosis. Maybe. um, i don't even know why I'm surprised cause even if I just believe I'm making up all my problems and they don't exist that in itself is a mild psychosis. please I'm trying so hard to make sense but my brain is goop rn.

At least I have a solid starting point to search for a psychologist now.

[medicaltechnician]

so i might experience like, a little bit of psychosis. Maybe. um, i don't even know why I'm surprised cause even if I just believe I'm making up all my problems and they don't exist that in itself is a mild psychosis. please I'm trying so hard to make sense but my brain is goop rn.

At least I have a solid starting point to search for a psychologist now.

[medicaltechnician]

okay it'd also help if I knew what was wrong with me so i could narrow my search but idk whats wrong with me. Idk how to find out?

tryna find a therapist sucks ass though, they use all these complicated terms and shit, and i get it. It's a type of therapy, and I do have the upside that I have taken some psych classes. I just, hate big words.

I hate formal settings and big complicated wording to mean something simple and this is why I hate job hunting cause the description for being an entry level basic fucking cashier is so complicated that I have to break it down for my plebian brain to understand. And it's tiring and i feel so stupid, but hey that's life I guess. Fuck It Wii Ball.

[medicaltechnician]

tryna find a therapist sucks ass though, they use all these complicated terms and shit, and i get it. It's a type of therapy, and I do have the upside that I have taken some psych classes. I just, hate big words.

I hate formal settings and big complicated wording to mean something simple and this is why I hate job hunting cause the description for being an entry level basic fucking cashier is so complicated that I have to break it down for my plebian brain to understand. And it's tiring and i feel so stupid, but hey that's life I guess. Fuck It Wii Ball.