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[medstudentblues]

entry #1

you put my head on your shoulder, squeezed my right shoulder, lifted my chin to you, but didn't kiss me. not just yet. the light was off and the soft yellow light was pouring all over your childhood room. you just got off from your 48 hours straight duty, looking so tired and yet so good-looking, fresh from the barber shop. and i was catching up on sleep the whole day because i was from duty. finally, we were there at that moment we so badly waited for. we didn't touch much. not yet. i was drinking juice, asking about your day and your favorite [redacted]. what you hate the most. you were drinking beer. you brought so many sweet treats because you said you didn't know what i liked.

so we talked. we moved upstairs because you saw me pouting, feeling pity that you looked so tired and haven't slept properly in two days. "but you will lie down with me?" yes. of course yes. as we were going up the stairs i saw your stairs full of religious statues, and i asked, "are you religious?" and then didn't wait for an answer and said "flexible morals." and you smirked. that smirk i get crazy over with.

and still, we weren't touching. i noticed you have books on your bookshelf. classic books you see everywhere, i said. and i told you about how i read shakespeare out of curiosity when i was young because there was no shakespeare class when we were in high school. how we were taught only greeks. "what are you thinking?" you asked, always curious about what i was thinking. "the greeks," i replied. you smirked. i smiled. and then we listened to my favorite songs at the moment and i had to repeat the song because i just had to show you my favorite part of the song. you found it adorable.

not until cuddling was brought up, it was the only time you finally touched me. but you were always careful not to push me. not demanding anything. not imposing anything. keeping your expectations low. you smelled so good. you looked so good, but we only had 15 minutes left because you had to go back to the hospital and i didn't want you to go. please don't go. please stay here with me, on your childhood bed, with the light spilling all over, and my stupid, silly songs playing. like a witness to our transient little world.

you kissed me, finally, and it felt perfect. just right. you grabbed my waist, but not touching others. and i kept stopping you because i was curious. i asked about what it was like to be a first year [redacted] resident, second year resident, and so on, so on. you laughed because you found my questions adorable. you put your tongue inside. i stopped you again. why, you like [redacted]? you asked. and i said "yes, but it's long and hard!"

"but nothing comes easy anyway. if it's easy, then it's not for you. besides, i don't think you will be choosing easy anyway." you said.

"why?"

"because you are good."

you grabbed me, and i kissed you more. i wanted - i want more of you. i want to trace the stars on your skin, to know more about what you are thinking, to fill your days with kisses and laughter and silly silly jokes that only you and i get. i want to crack the world open just so i can have you.

[medstudentblues]

hello! i’m sick. we are currently in our 3rd week of surgery outside rotation and it has been good. there were good times, but mostly there were bad times. what a thrill to be here. i am rotating in an orthopedic center and we see a lot of dislocated, broken, and crushed bones but we mostly do history and PE, gram stain, ordering of xrays, not suture which is bumming but we love it here. there’s always free food and the residents are so nice! it’s tiring but really really worth it.

[medstudentblues]

A Burst of Light, Audre Lorde

[medstudentblues]

i’m from duty so i just napped from 9am-130pm, then i ate and did some weekly planning on the bed because my rommies are outside, sleeping because they are from or PM duty tonight. ER duty last night was alright. i would like to go outside, do self-care / prepare my report for tomorrow but i’m still feeling tired from today.

[medstudentblues]

morning diary and planning before our PM duty tonight. 😊

[medstudentblues]

[medstudentblues]

good morning!!! it’s our first day in our out rot. i switched back to paper because i’m just this type of person haha. i am on ER PM duty later and i’m excited!!! waaah i love ER so much.

[medstudentblues]

happy 5th birthday to the best doggie ever. I love you with all my heart.

[medstudentblues]

i haven’t been active here lately. but here are some updates!!

we just did our toga fitting for our graduation in july 🩷 everybody’s ecstatic.

time flies!!! only a few days before we rotate outside our institution for surgery and we are sad, but also excited for our out rot where we can do a lot of suture.

did i learn a lot this month? definitely. did i like surgery? yes.

i am still using my journal. i just haven’t taken a lot of pictures of it lately because when i get home, i just usually do my usual routine / chores i need to do, because i always have to wake up at 4 in the morning so i can avoid traffic and get to the hospital at 530AM. and when i get home i’m usually so tired. no time to reflect which makes me kind of sad.

things i’m looking forward to:

spending more time with my groupmates this april

more journaling / reflecting

more studying

my anniversary celebration with my beau on april 9th 🩷

[medstudentblues]

breakfast this morning + journaling my ER surgery experience last night —

[medstudentblues]

I just finished working out!!! and I did journaling. 4/7 days of PM duty and it’s going well so far. in surgery, we get sleep. in IM, we barely had sleep because of the endless admissions + preparation of conference the next day. but in surgery? in surgery we are chill. we get some sleep.

for tonight I’m in ER since our post graduate interns (a medical doctor, but not yet licensed) will be coming from an MIS seminar. I already ironed my scrubs for tonight and ate lunch.

I’ve only been getting 2-3 hrs of sleep after my night duty, esp that I’m a light sleeper. but so far I’m okay. I’m functioning. I’ll just buy a chai latter from SB when I get to the hospital later to fuel me later.

[medstudentblues]

five recipes for an exciting life (in my opinion)

spending enough time creating things with your hands (baking, drawing, scrapbooking, doodling, crocheting, journaling and so on)

keeping track of things like pretty skies, milestones, happy memories, appointments you're looking forward to

listening to music that genuinely makes you feel happy and energetic

making a habit of reaching out to people in a way that's comfortable to you (i send my dad songs he might like, my friend sends me monthly life updates)

being kind to all your five senses → like investing in a scented candle or essential oil dispenser or body mist, having a soft blanket or socks (or a soft animal to pet), listening to birdsong or the rain, looking at the sky more often, and having your favorite foods enough times

[medstudentblues]

The Sopranos in Naples, Italy.

[medstudentblues]

titty in one hand and dostoevsky’s the brothers karamazov in the other

[medstudentblues]

read literature. be present. make love. make tea. write a poem. cry. watch a sappy movie that makes you want to throw things at it. paint your nails. cook something. call your best friend. learn an instrument. wonder. take a bath. go for a walk. lie down on the grass. listen to the entirety of ur favorite album from 2016. take pics of sunsets. ponder. shamelessly dance in your room. curl up on your bed. make endless wishes to the stars twinkling in the midnight sky. think about nothing. think about everything. think about things so hard that you barely remember what happened moments ago and why you’re feeling the way you do

[medstudentblues]

"someone who allows you to rest" is the relationship dynamic of all time

[medstudentblues]

had a wonderful morning breakfast date with my beau, who’s always happily indulgent of my small things wants. we talked and i wrote my morning journal, and then left at half past 9am. now i’m back at home, doing all of my laundry because i will not be able to do so in the next week because i’ll be on chronic PM duty (6pm-6am) + daily overtime for conferences so i’ll be on survival mode 🌷