meeverywheresblog

[meeverywheresblog]

Aging

Hi. It's me again. I remembered today this account randomly when I thought that I would love to write down what I think about life. I know I said I'd post here weekly or daily and that never happened. I completely forgot about this account and I never wanted to write down any thoughts. However, here are we now.

I wanted to update me since I realized now that I have a remembering issue. I don't know how my brain works but I don't remember promising myself to post here or anything. I remember finding this account at some point but I thought I never posted again.

Since I want to buy a new notebook to write down my feelings and thoughts but I don't have time/money to do since, I have decided to use this account now.

A quick update to myself so I would never forget:

I moved out a new apartment during the same year. I believe I moved out in Oct or Sep not sure. It is way better than the first 2 apartments I used to live in.

I couldn't find love since people are very sexual and weird over there.

I touched the grass and lived the moment since I have double my salary now when I decided to resign from the company I used to work at. I bought new clothes, I dyed my hair in a way that makes me look like a cool version of me which is not true. I am not that cool.

I go to new places, I stopped violin courses and I didn't go to the gym or signed for dancing classes.

The only things that happened to me in my own brain and the new thoughts that are controlling me are:

I don't want to work my relationship with my family. I feel like it's now seriously over. I don't miss my mom, I don't want to see her. I even don't remember her on a daily basis unless she sent me a msg. We have a crowded month in the work so we decided to have only 1 day off and the whole plan got changed and we still have 2 day off. I'm still leaving my mom under the impression that I have 1 day off so we won't meet. I don't know why would like to meet her. I don't have things that I want to share. However, I will meet Aunt Hala today and I think about talking to her about these stuff. Not sure what will happen.

I stopped talking to one of the closest friends to me. I won't share her name here in case we won't talk again only bec I would like to know if in months I opened this account again will remember her? or will we be friends again? not sure what will happen and Ill leave it to future me to live the moment.

I'm now 22 and in 8 months I will be 23. For some reason I became more aware of my age even though when I wrote down now that Im 22 it felt like Im so young. However, that is not happening inside my head. I feel like Im so old and every day i spend in bed rotting I feel like I wasted a day. Im not sure what happened that resulted in me feeling like that however its not normal bec i just bought the iphone i was dreaming of, a new TV and became more able to use the money to live my own lifestyle after realizing that I was the problem not the money itself.

Im more into having a routine with fixed schedules and I now love waking up at 7 AM. I learned how to cycle (im not that good yet).

I came to realize that now I not that strong. Now I am weaker and changing my lifestyle didn't make me strong but instead made me realize that im a very very sensitive person. I have a lot of flows and now i have a lot of brand new feelings that im not used to. i downloaded a book about self love and I was impressed since i have always judged people who did so. I didn't finish the book of course which is expected from me however I knew that i don't face my feelings and I tend to try to remove them completely if they are -ve feelings. I don't like feeling jealous and I tend to think low of me if i did so. I now don't have the courage to confess or confront people. In all my phases in life i used to think whether it is the best or worst version of me and now I don't know. I think Im most confused person ever and i don't even know yet what id like to do with my life. ill try to brag about my life to my aunt today only to seek for validation and see if she can help me enhance the quality of my life. if i didn't have the time or the courage to do so, then im completely alone as well. i am lost in my own thoughts and I don't know what to do. i hope life will at some time be better and easy for me which is a very hard thing to do in Egypt.

The best thing worth to mention is: I finally feel a slight happiness in my life which is not always the case but it is a brand new feeling. thanks to me for at least trying :)

[meeverywheresblog]

Dream a little dream of me

if im to dream about life, it will have me, unveiled girl, good skin, good hair routine, nice apartment, stable friends and family, no physical pain, playing violin, having time to read books, working out, eating healthy food, watching movies, having decent clothes that match my fashion taste. it will be me, with a boyfriend that i finally love, life coach that will help or if im depressed of course a therapist. i want to know how it feels to go out with friends to explore different places without the money being a problem. i want to travel at least 2 days bimonthly. i will be very thankful to life if she gave me that in the upcoming 2 to 3 years. that will be my all time achievement. i just want to know how it feels to salsa dance. 

hopefully i will remember the rock bottom when i achieve those dreams. 

[meeverywheresblog]

Not sure?

i just realized that i need to get my shit and start making plans all over again. I used to plan my whole week financially so i never face such situations. Now and after moving out to a new place it feels like its really hard to do so. i have been in so much debt that i had to spend the bare minimum. it was hard to do a plan cause i just wanted to spend the less amount possible per day. now i dont have any obligations expect for one that is not that big i need to get my shit together. i already graduated college and i have no other plan but to whine. i need to start financially planning my life. i dont know what i want to do but i do know what i dont want to do. i dont want to travel abroad to work, i dont want to through away all the progress i made in my current job just for another one that will make me start over without any reputation and it will be fuckin hard. i dont want to be a money making machine. i just want to learn something new. when they used to ask me about what i want to do after i graduate i just say ill learn dancing or playing violin so id be skilled like everyone else. i never admit that i love admin work. it doesnt matter if im skilled i dont think that my personality matches the skilled ones and i believe that is why i dont have any skilled people in my life. i never vibe with artists (moviemakers, painters, etc..) i like people who have a daily job with a fixed salary and routine. i dont mind people who were caught into the life cycle. i know how it feels to be in a very stable life bec of the comfort zone. im already there and i know how it makes u feel home that u wont even think about changing anything in your life. i know how it feels to see everyone have a dream and you dont. u just want to keep it lowkey and keep everything as it is now. 

just to say its very hard for me to watch my friends (comfort zone) have their own dreams while i dont. most of them wants to get money asap and the other wants to experience life. i just want nothing but good life without any problems in work that endanger my stable outcome. i hope they will get that one day and stop asking me about what i want to do. it is important to me that they understand that i have absolutely nothing towards life. i only have 2 feelings one of them is fear of money problems and the other one is nothing. 

after checking the current prices i figured out that its not an option to just keep my job and wait for a promotion like any governmental employee. its just not an option anymore. so i started checking linkedin to see if i can know more about part time jobs. that will help me solve 2 problems one of them is getting rid of the comfort zone to flourish and the other one is to solve the money issue + experience different careers to know what exactly i want to do in life. 

i just want to be able to afford my own lifestyle which is not expensive by all means. hopefully ill be able to do so next month and i hope life will understand. 

[meeverywheresblog]

Starting point

Hi again, here im starting over to write down my thoughts. I will do my best to find the words and the feelings in my head. I won't allow to waste any more time without working really hard to solve this issue. I will graduate college in June. I have been waiting for this moment for a very long time. The semester is extremely easy so im not that worried.

i checked the previous posts written by me. I noticed that i mentioned once that one of us will have to leave and this one will be me of course (us here refers to my family). That is very weird that i remembered tumblr now, very weird coincidence as tomorrow i will complete living 365 days independently without my family. i spent a lot of money happily.

One month from now i will face my true self. i wont be a teenager anymore and i should think about the future. i will have to figure out what i need to do with my life. pointing out to the college as if it is the obstacle that is preventing me from achieving my goals (which is also weird since i dont have any).

I will try and talk about my feelings here on a weekly basis at least, or daily basis if i have the time. im planning on travelling in july, finish college in june and finish decorating my room in august or September.

these are the upcoming plans but they wont be enough. the hard part in that plan is that i need to come up with a schedule, i need to start reading, taking dancing classes, learn violin, stabilize my relationship with my parents, and start learning something for my own future.

This is the plan. i will work my ass off to achieve these goals starting from june..

i will be waiting more than anyone to see what will i do. hopefully i dont disappoint me.

[meeverywheresblog]

I don't know what the fuck i am doing

[meeverywheresblog]

Today I signed up for a new account on Instagram. You ask me why? I just wanted to over comey issues with that application. I like my weird pictures i really do but i just cannot take it easy and share my pictures. I fear that if someone saw it they will just laugh at me because they would think that i am not cool enough or nerd or sth. I just want peace. I want to do stuff and save it on some application without fearing anything. I would love it to have something beautiful to share. It would be awesome to start taking photos of the people i love, the places and everything i take photos of. I think it is a positive step, dont wanna miss it.

I would love it to overcome my english speaking, my social media problems, my lifestyle issues. I would love to have my own blog talking about stuff i love or hate. I would lovvvvveeeee to talk about how beautiful my mind is.

[meeverywheresblog]

I need to get my shit together and start doing some fucking thing?? What is wrong with me? I am not fasting. I dont talk to people. I dont go out. I dont buy anything or start talking to new people. I never went to see therapist as i said i am going to. I never finished this month's books. I didnt do what i wanted to do in my french studying. I didnt take the photos i said i would. I didnt study or do the stuff i said i would do. I watch stupid and shallow tv shows that i dont like but i never stopped watching them like if someone is forcing me and that one is also ME WTF!!?????.

I just want to do something for me. I just want to help me. I just want to change.

[meeverywheresblog]

What does it feel like to be safe? What do you mean by warm hugs? Is it okey to feel like you need something but have never experienced it? I hope my feelings are just asleep for a certain time.

[meeverywheresblog]

Am i that kid who cried a lot and never forgot when her mother refused to give her the milk she wanted? Or am i just the worst version of me?

[meeverywheresblog]

How can anyone live his life in a house waiting for something to happen to change everything and by "something" I mean someone to die, someone to leave, someone to get tired and just run away and that obviously will be me.

[meeverywheresblog]

I spent a whole 19 years with my mother living in the same house, she never started a conversation for the sake of it and every time EVERY FUCKIN TIME i try and do a nice thing she just goes like "what's wrong with your face? Why are you so dull? Don't you eat well? You look different" Well mom, that's my face you just forgot how it looks like, because you never remember to talk to me, you never remember me.