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[megrrez]

Last week was blast. My bff Cody, Cody’s mom Franni, the babies, Leon and I went to Costco to buy stuff for Thanksgiving and restock on some essentials. We were in the store for 3 hours. I drank every minute up because for the first time since the twins were born we were in public at a non-medical appointment. The moment we went into Costco a woman came up to us and blessed my twins with her hands (I immediately draped their carriers with a muslin blanket). A Costco worker came up and told me about her twins (😍) and when leaving the store, I pulled back the blanket to check on Veda and within a minute a lady came up and asked where her socks were.

We went to Jason’s family’s house for Thanksgiving. I spent 4 hours getting us out the door and we were late to arrive. We watched the World Cup and everyone held the babies.

Leon was home all week and it was challenging trying to keep him occupied and not watching tv. He’s fallen in love with this Netflix/British show, Number Blocks. It is exciting to see him absorb math concepts and be able to apply them. Yesterday he had me hand paint all the number blocks which took over an hour and delayed dinner time.

Last week was Jason’s 38th birthday and I got him a new record player, matching father-son astronaut costumes, and a Tanuki Mario hot wheel toy car. It’s surreal we are approaching our 40s. It’s hard to not reflect the fact we moved into together at age 24/25. So much of life has happened during our relationship and we’ve supported each other and endured it all. I appreciate him more now than ever and it feels like the rest our lives began when Veda and Oscar were born. Can’t wait to see what life brings next even if it’s all going by so so fast.

[megrrez]

November walks are exceptionally lovely. The funny thing about having babies (and most things) is no matter how hard it gets in the moment, nostalgia will blanket the challenges and mental pitfalls.

Currently my life is predictably small bc of caretaking. Here’s my daily schedule:

Wake up at 3:30 am. Pump. Try to go to sleep on the couch (babies stay in the living room with a parent) If sleep isn’t possible, then it’s my time to watch various adult shows! In the very beginning I watched Nailed It! and season 2 of The Office. I watched two seasons of The Vow and the documentary Mama’s Boy. I just finished season 1 of The Bear on Hulu (which I throughly enjoyed and highly recommend). I get a cup of coffee and a biscuit and wait for Leon to wake up around 7 am. Then it’s breakfast, clothes, teeth brush, and shoes and off to school. My best friend Cody takes Leon to school. I usually begin tidying and daily chores. Baby chores. Feeding, changing, nursing. Jason will wake up around noon and we finish whatever needs to be finished before Leon comes home. I usually enjoy a walk around this time. Then it’s playtime and dinner prep/dinner, baby needs, pumping, bath time, books, and off to bed at 7/8 pm. On and on ad infinitum.

[megrrez]

The Story and Song from the Haunted Mansion, 1969

[megrrez]

Before it’s fully Christmas season I figured I’d post these photos from a recent trip to a local farm we took right before Halloween. They had pigs, goats, chickens, and the cutest dern alpaca I’ve ever seen. The hayride caused me anxiety for no reason other than existential fear that Leon would hop out the back. Leon got his face painted like a puppy and I was completely amazed he stayed still the entire time. He closed his eyes as the artist brushed paint across his face and I remembered how soothing face painting felt as a kid. We let him play in the corn “sandbox” for longer than intended and he cried being dragged out because of the fun he was having. The attractions I thought he would love—two big slides—he was finally old enough to be wary of and didn’t want to go down more than once. We couldn’t keep him off of the slides last year. We were there for almost 3 hours which is a record for us and I was so grateful my mom was here to hold babies so we could venture out as a family of three again. I felt anxious about being out of the house that long even though the outing was a success. I am still navigating this postpartum brain and the new reality of our lives. Anxiety predominates but it’s nothing I can’t comb through with distraction. Until next time, Autumn.

[megrrez]

Ooooookaaaay I haven’t updated this thing in 4 maybe 5 years but since this the most journaly journal I’ve maintained in my 30’s I decided to come here during the fall of twitter. Y’all I have three babies now and moved back to Georgia. There’s been a pandemic. Trump happened. My favorite most precious dog in the universe went to heaven. Everything is different yet it somehow feels the same.

[megrrez]

Life! Liiiiiiiiiiiife.

Wow, I haven’t updated this thing in a minute. Yesterday, I deactivated my Facebook with the intention of better day-to-day time utilization. Facebook is a time suck and it yields absolutely nothing. There are so many things I would rather do with my days than scroll scroll scroll. Still, I need an online outlet to write about my life so I guess it’s time to hop back on here. 

I turned the magical age of 33 on August 11th. I spent my birthday poolside at the Hyatt Tamaya Resort in Bernallio, New Mexico with my friend Katie. We also went and had high tea at the Ivy Tea Room in Albuquerque. While I was in the shower, Katie decorated my bed with balloons and a banner which was super sweet and a wonderful surprise. I am very excited about turning 33 and I know it will be a momentous year. 

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Jason and I went to the Farmer’s Market and got freshly roasted Green Chili. They gave it to us in a trash bag. I also bought Tomatillos and made salsa.  Yesterday, I made salsa and vacuumed sealed the Green Chilis. I love it when i have time to be domestic-y. :D 

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My friend Katie and I went to San Juan nursery to appreciate the new blooms. We left with itty bitty house plants that fit in small to go boxes. 

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I take a picture of my grandpa every time he falls asleep waiting for the doctor at his appointment. :D 

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St. Patrick's Day

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Two weeks ago, my brother told me that my grandfather would make a bounce back and I didn’t believe him, and yet here we are.

I understand we can’t predict the future and we gotta live each day with the best cautious optimism that we will have many more days ahead of us. Still, when care taking for my grandfather, I live in reality. He will be cycling in and out of good to poor health for the remainder of his life. Even when he is cycling down, I am learning it doesn’t predict his recovery because my grandfather has made a complete turn around in short days. 

Today I am grateful for his health because we have enjoyed spending time together these past few weeks. 

[megrrez]

Papa had to go to the hospital on Friday

His blood tests were out of wack. His potassium and sodium were extremely high and he had to be admitted to get it under control. He’s out now but is still very weak. My grandfather has congestive heart failure and it’s starting to catch up with him. His heart can’t pump well enough to keep his organs healthy which causes his lungs to fill with fluid and his kidneys to fail. Judging by his weakness yesterday, I though we were in the road to the end but he has improved in the last 24 hours so there’s hope that he might return to his normal life. Still– it’s very touch and go and I can’t help but get weepy at the very thought about where we are headed. When things get difficult, I close down and go into hiding. I am trying to change that and be more transparent about my day to day life even if it’s hard. And it is hard. But it’s also part of the contract of living. We live, we die, and if we are lucky we make it to old age. I am just trying to be grateful and not overwhelmed with the prospective future, taking it one moment at a time.

[megrrez]

My lil Valentine

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Winter–

 Jason and I are settled into our new home in New Mexico. After spending 6 years outside the city limits in Georgia, we love living in a centralized location in the middle of town. Jason and I can walk to two grocery stores and it takes only minutes to run errands. Besides my close friend Katie, i haven’t really met anyone. Being winter and the fact we are new in town has encouraged a rare hermit lifestyle for myself. I am as extroverted as they come but I love being a homebody. It allows me solitude and much needed time for reflection considering all the drastic changes I have endured in the previous year. 

On November 11th, my brother and I went home to Oklahoma to see my grandmother who was in the middle stages of dying. The night of the election, she allegedly pulled off her oxygen mask during the night and suffered a stroke of some kind. We aren’t sure, she signed a DNR forbidding investigation of such scenarios. After a few days in the hospital, my mother told her “we are going home” and she uttered clear as a bell “good.”  My grandmother went home three hours laters with the help of local hospice. 

My brother and I flew out the next day and all of our immediate family were gathered together as we arrived. It was difficult to walk into her room and see her in the condition she was in. But that’s when the love took over and I grabbed our Unitarian Hymnal and began to sing songs and hold her hand.

My brother and I volunteered for the night shift to alleviate my mother and aunt. With a redbull and coffee in hand, we sat and watched movies and television shows on laptops, getting up every two hours to give her doses of liquid medication.  I noticed her legs and arms were getting cold and put a blanket on her.  We both researched end of life websites and matched the symptoms of my grandmother’s current state. My brother read that in certain cultures people crack the window to allow the souls of previous loved ones into the room the carry the soul of the dying home. So my brother and I cracked the window and shared memories of my grandmother. Then we put our headphones back in and I looked over to see her chest rise and fall. Pause and unpause. I looked over again and the movement left her and she was gone. 

It’s impossible to encapsulate the loss of my grandmother. She was the person that went to all of my school plays and concerts, drove me to basketball practice, taught me how to cook, sew, and home decorate. She was a free thinking inclusive person and had an army of beloved friends, two marriages, and survivor of many difficult and wonderful things.  

The day after, my mom took a long bath and comprised these words on her Facebook. 

“Surrounded by family and friends who were forever blessed by her light - the universe has gained another star and we who loved her remain earth bound with a plentitude of memories that we pray sustains us as we hurl forward.”

And here we are.

[megrrez]

It’s truly amazing how little of New Mexico I have explored. My parents got divorced when I was quite young and my southwestern side of the family owns a company making for little vacation besides hanging out at their home or office. 

One massive silver promise of my move out West is exploration of an area I’ve barely been exposed to despite my lifelong visits.  The Four Corners is one of the most beautiful areas in the United States, with Colorado, Utah, Arizona and of course New Mexico, all waiting for me in somewhat equal distance. 

One of my most close friends, Katie, by strange circumstances, works and lives in Farmington. She is native to Iowa, lived in Washington with her husband for a period, and now lives 2 miles from my new house. 

Katie suggested we go out to the Bisti Badlands Wilderness, a remote area of protected land south of Farmington. It’s like Mars mixed with Wonderland with the unusual scenery and land formations. There’s no formal hiking trails or amenities besides a parking lot. Visitors are allowed to climb and walk wherever they please.  I kept wondering when the acid was going to start kicking in. 

The same weekend, we went and hiked a portion of the Colorado Trail. The air was crisp and the leaves were turning as we welcomed the end of summer walking through the forrest. The trail calmed my move anxiety that day knowing I will soon live within proximity to Colorado where I can hike, bike, fish, and relax anytime I desire. 

Still, the my heart is heavy knowing what I will leave behind. I moved to Georgia randomly back in 2009. I was running away from my darkness-- known as a “geographic”--when someone tries to outrun themselves. However, it worked. I was able to meet my now husband, gain tremendous amounts of friends, community, love. All of this was hand-spun by my own desire to make a new and better life for myself--and I did. 

For me, this move is about rising to the occasion and going forward for my family. It won’t be free of challenges but Georgia gave the tools to recreate that love and to go explore new horizons with big sky. 

*cue Wide Open Spaces by the Dixie Chicks*

Here’s to the future me. 

[megrrez]

[megrrez]

31.

Today I turned 31, and it was pretty regular. 

As expected, I was super indulgent and loved every minute of it. I got sushi, a curvy Barbie, a new orange record player, an oreo blizzard and ate left over chicken parmesan.  I watched two episodes of The Adventures of Pete and Pete and the women’s gymnastic finals. I rounded the evening down by purchasing two eye shadow pallets on Sephora and claimed my Sephora birthday gift. 

Last year, when I turned 30, I was so busy with my wedding I didn’t really recognize the event. This year, I am in the middle of a move and didn’t do anything special besides give into overspending and overeating (hooray!). Maybe next year I will be too busy for my birthday because I getting ready for a baby (I am not pregnant yet). Life seems to be going way too fast..

Helping my family has been a genuine blessing. I have learned that when you stop seeing yourself as the central figure in life but as a contributing member of a bigger picture, you stop sweating all the existential self induced pity parties. I am just grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be able to help the ones I love the most. 

I use to dread getting older because I think we are all programmed to over value youthfulness and detest aging. Through kindness, I am becoming more comfortable with me. Getting older shouldn’t be shunned, it should celebrated because its a privilege denied to so many.