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A Project

Mom and I were talking about Colin. She told me that she doesn't see him as her son but as a project.

I wondered if she saw me that way as well.

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Catalina Island

I started to develop a crush on him on our school trip to Catalina Island. It was 8th grade but I was still 13. No boy had given me attention in real life before but he actually talked to me! I tried to eat my meals with him and would swim by him when we explored the seaweed.

On the bus ride back to Arizona he sat with me. I thought about how lucky I was that a boy was giving me attention and maybe even wanted to be my boyfriend! Eventually, I fell asleep. When I woke up I pretended to still be asleep. Wouldn't it be cute if I rested my head on his shoulder pretending I just fell asleep that way?

I rested my head on his shoulder and waited to see what would happen. He tried to softly wake me but I did not open my eyes. I wanted this to last as long as it could. A few minutes later he very softly put his hand on my breast and held it there for what felt like minutes. I was shocked and confused. He thought I was asleep right? I did not move and continued to pretend to be asleep. A little while later he touched me again but I kept my eyes closed. I kept telling myself that I should feel lucky because this may never happen again.

After we got off the bus he didn't talk to me again.

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Anthony

It was sixth grade and I lived in NY. I had not turned 12 yet and was still 11. After our first sex ed class, we got to eat lunch. I pulled out my slim fast and Anthony sat next to me. We were all sitting at a table by the window and talking about what we learned in class. Suddenly I feel brief contact on my breast. I look over at Anthony in disbelief.

"Why did you do that?" I yell and cover myself.

"I wanted to see what would happen if I punched your boob." Anthony and Eric laughed. No one had touched me there before beyond me. I felt hurt, confused, and violated.

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Lucky Charms

I was sitting on the living room floor in New Jersey, eating a bowl of lucky charms. Dad and Colin were sitting on the couch behind me. Mom came into the living room and saw that I had only been eating the marshmallows. She snatched the bowl from my hands and shamed me. I felt so embarrassed and hurt. I felt like I was a bad person.

We never did get lucky charms again but I always wished I could have another bowl.

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T-Rex (re-processed)

I was in a back yard in New Jersey. Mom was there talking to another mother. I was playing with that woman’s son. I had a t-rex toy and managed to catch a bee inside it’s mouth. When I let go, the bee stung me and I started to cry. Mom scolded me and then continued to have her conversation. I tried to get her attention so I could receive comfort but she ignored me. I longed for her to pick me up, but instead I stared at the ground. 

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I do not remember if I was two or three but we lived in New Jersey at the time. My bed was against the wall with my toys and dresser to the right. The floors were hardwood and I was laying on my belly. I do not remember where she got them, but mom had given me a set of tiny worry dolls. They were scattered around the floor with the box closest to my bed. I remember reaching my arm out with one of the worry dolls just barely out of reach. I remember wanting the affection and attention of someone. I cannot remember if I was reaching for a worry doll or for love.

Feelings: Loneliness and fear.

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When I was fifteen I worked for a family friends fast food place for the summer. Our village is small and my grandmother’s shop is a couple blocks away. After work, I went to see grandma. Her office in the store was unique. Behind the showcases that show off the knives and jewelry that is for sale, there is a small staircase that leads up to the office. She could stand up and see the entire store. I used to go up there and think I was hot shit because I was in a place no one else could be... other than other family members. My mother was picking me up outside of my work soon so I began to walk back. On the way, I saw my grandfather. It had been a couple years since I saw him as we lived in Arizona during the school year. When I was younger we would see him once a year. He lived with “the clam.” One of the women he cheated on grandma with. He left grandma for “the clam” when my mother was 17. After we moved to Arizona, mom would send him letters and a Christmas card every year to keep in touch.

“Hello Grandpa!” I said and went to give him a hug. 

“Who are you.” 

“Its Shannon Grandpa, your granddaughter...”

We talked for maybe two minutes before he left. I cannot remember why he left, but I remember questioning, did he actually remember who I was or was he just pretending to know. 

Feelings: Anger, Sadness, Pain.

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I was sitting in a class for my confirmation. Our instructor allowed us to ask questions that made us question our faith. I remember him presenting to be empathetic and giving us the message with his body language that all of these questions also made him question his faith. The tone of the class was more that as students, we did not agree with Catholicism’s interpretation of the bible on many social issues, and we would not change our personal beliefs. Thinking back, I believe my interpretation of empathy was actually fear and anxiety.

Towards the end of the class, another priest came in to let us ask questions to someone who was closer to our age. Without being prompted he began to talk about how he used to be married. His wife had been pregnant and at 8 months they were told that she had to make the choice of carrying the pregnancy to term and dying, or terminate the pregnancy and live. I think he told us this to show us how he has also questioned his faith just as we were. He ended the story telling us that his ex-wife did terminate the pregnancy and he could not forgive her. He divorced her and became a priest. He bragged to us that because he was a good Catholic, he could not forgive her.

Feelings about this memory: anger & disgust.