menhera-janai-mon

[menhera-janai-mon]

I had a friend in middle school who was superrrrr touchy feely

And back then I was super prickly don’t touch me touching ppl makes me want to tear my skin off Anyways this person kinda started clinging to me, hugging a lot, roughhousing, biting, etc. I had some gender stuff going on at the time too so I hated wearing makeup bc fem and she + a few other ppl kinda restrained me to try n put mascara on me before a teacher told them to stop, which seems kinda stupid now but idk.

I remember telling her to stop at one point / asked to set boundaries and she kinda just laughed and said she didn’t know what boundaries were. So I basically just became her teddy bear bc I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

She was also super baby-ing? Like oh let me dress you up and put clips in your hair and haha show you off

She’s the reason I can actually touch people now but I literally have no boundaries so. Idk win / lose out of it ig. Shes fine now but idk if I’m over-reacting if I consider this ‘trauma’

[menhera-janai-mon]

my country is a very touchy-feely one, for context. but there's a few things that still bother me that others here find normal:

-my grandparents used to touch and slap my butt as a preteen/early teen and comment on how i was growing fast

-my mother tends to have a "no worries" attitude to nakedness, and will enter the bathroom/my bedroom with me in it randomely if she needs something there without a care (she also has issues with me shutting the door of my room, wants it always open. she doesn't get aggressive over it but will get really worried even if it's just because i want alone time)

-i tend to get a "what are you hiding??" or "something you don't want me to see??" when i turn off my device or switch tabs as someone comes in

in general, most of the reasoning is "we've seen you naked as a baby and changed your diapers, nothing you have is new to us", but i also feel like it's a huge privacy issue and i don't get to have my own space or time. i am aware others have it worse, though, so maybe i'm exaggerating??

[menhera-janai-mon]

my parents are good-ish parents.

but im afraid to tell them anything.

they always say "you can talk to us" but when i try to talk to them about japan, since i am very interested in it, they just either ignore me or seems so uninterested. if i tell them about my worry of my mental health possible declining, they get annoyed and/or tell me im being dramatic, so i never really talk to them anymore, even though we live together. if i get angry or upset, they will get mad at me fore it and sometimes will threaten to send me to a mental hospital.

is this something traumatic or im just dramatic? i really have no idea and want other peoples opinion on this.

[menhera-janai-mon]

alright so. i have been a gifted kid like forever or whatever.

but now i feel so stressed whenever i don't have a great grade or don't understand something to the point of breakdowns. i get really scared that my parents will be mad if my grade is below a 90 since i've always been a straight a student. it's not like my parents are super strict about my grades, it's more like five year old me understood numbers and six year old me read a chapter book and now i've fucked myself over with high expectations.

not to mention, i now feel like i need praise since i'm so used to everyone being proud of me or whatever but also feel tired of the praise since its not really that hard (for me)

i also have to act all mature and unaffected cause of a mix of the fact that i have to be likeable to the teachers.

kind of a different thing but it contributes to that last part (plus i don't want to have to make another ask) but my parents (specifically my mom) get all pissy and start bothering me whenever i show annoyance or really anything other than happiness, and mom still teases me if i get passionate about something. which has resulted in helping that last thing i mentioned with not showing many emotions.

so basically this stuff has completely changed how i interact with others and even how i see myself.

(sorry if this is too long...)

don’t worry anon! there’s no limit to submission length ♡

[menhera-janai-mon]

in elementary one of my friends got really mad at me for something REALLY small and refused to be friends with me anymore which. is fine. on its own its just like whatever stupid kids

but then she started turning all of my other friends against me?? and befriended people she didn't like just because i was befriending them?? and so eventually i didnt have ANY friends because everyone in the class was HER friend and they wouldn't talk to me

i feel like it couldnt have been that impactful but looking back i was kinda being bullied (and would continue to be lowkey-not-really bullied even after i moved schools) and i have a lot of insecurity around friends suddenly hating me and leaving me even now

[menhera-janai-mon]

so my mom is amazing like 90% of the time right? like absolutely amazing, she goes out of her way to do so many nice things for me, gifts, favors, literally a dream mother.

except when she's not ~.~ there are a few times where she's done some things that my friends seem to think are overreactions i guess? like the time she said i was causing problems in her and dad's marriage because i failed to realize that she wanted me to lie on her behalf (i've known her literally my whole life so i should've been able to), that time she kicked me out but then changed her mind because i didn't tell her that my dad's gf was going to a thing dad and i were going to so we could all meet in-person (their relationship is long-distance, i had already talked to her with dad over the phone) (she never asked and i didn't deem it important but i really should have known better), when she said she "fucking hated" my preferred name when i put it down on some syllabi for the new semester instead of the nickname i usually go by and that all my friends probably hated it too and just didn't tell me, and she (unknowingly) compared me to a person that reminds me of my really bad ex then too. but like it was the second change/officially changing away from my deadname rather than just using a nickname and i guess she didn't like that because she picked my first name so i get it and i've only gone by the nickname around her since. also when she accused me of lying on something i didn't lie on and told me that no one would like me if i kept lying (i rarely lie but she is right i guess)

like all of it is perfectly reasonable for her to do since she's my mom but it still hurts even though she's so nice to me the rest of the time idk. btw this was all since november-ish but this is also significant improvement from how she was two years ago

[menhera-janai-mon]

there was a “friend” that used to constantly scold and insult me whenever i stimmed or did anything she viewed as childish. she impulsively hit me when i wasn’t paying attention to her or when i was playing games on my phone. i’ve gradually grown scared of her. she and an other friend forced me to play truth or dare with them against my will and gave me questions i was uncomfortable with answering. one of them involved me admitting out loud that i’m scared of them.

could’ve this been traumatic?

[menhera-janai-mon]

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