menmasen

[menmasen]

My lil brother once told me, "ternyata pinter aja gak cukup ya.." and I can't stop thinking about it till now.

I told him about the cool achievements of my friends who get full financial support from their parents. Meanwhile, I have to work really hard just to survive. I have dreams too, but I don’t have the courage to chase them because I already feel like I’ve lost. People might call me a coward or say I’m too lazy to try. But for me, just making it this far with my own effort is already something to be grateful for.

[menmasen]

It's been a long time since we last met, and they asked me how does it feel to give up on your dreams?

How does it feel to give up on my SNMPTN? You made it, but you had to let it go. I don't think I will ever move on from that.

[menmasen]

I may not be able to control everything, but at least I have control over myself. Because not everyone has it.

[menmasen]

I'd rather be called a cold person than let random people know more about me than they should and ruin my peace.

[menmasen]

I'm so pathetic.

[menmasen]

When will I stop crying?

[menmasen]

Crying and questioning my worth.

[menmasen]

Crying because this is unfair

[menmasen]

"I love that I'm able to do it, and I just wanna keep doing it in ways that push and scare me a little bit, and also take those creative risk."

- Fred Hechinger, AP's 2024

[menmasen]

How am I going to stay positive facing all these bullshits?

[menmasen]

it’s so painful to watch yourself grow cold, bitter, and resentful, even toward small, irrelevant things, when all you’ve ever wanted was just to be warm, gentle, kind, and loving.

[menmasen]

Currently obsessed with Fred Hechinger, Joseph Quinn, and Pedro Pascal in Gladiator II.

I can't stop thinking of Fred as Caracalla, he is adorable😭

[menmasen]

25 is still a very young age to me, I still have a long way to go. Looking back and seeing how far I've come is more heartwarming than invalidating my hard work with someone else's accomplishments.

[menmasen]

I created the problem myself, but I don't wanna call it a problem and get stressed about it.

I'll take it as a challenge to face, a new level to be completed, a lesson to learn and gain new experience even if it's not gonna be easy.

[menmasen]

2025 will not be easy for me. I know because I set the challenge myself. It should be stressful, but since my motto is to never let myself get too stressed, I will just laugh and face it.

[menmasen]

Pathetic.

[menmasen]

I'm just a tool. Not just... I'm a useful tool.

The way people use me for their own benefit is so pathetic.

It's not me who's pathetic, it's them. They don't know how to carry themselves without me involved. It's annoying.