mental-fuzz

[mental-fuzz]

[mental-fuzz]

meirl

[mental-fuzz]

I want this to live in my brain rent free

The sound of cute puppies hydrating

(via)

[mental-fuzz]

Nov 27

God damn it's been a minute. So Thanksgiving was yesterday and yesterday I got Mom. He drove there like at 10:30ish and out there like at 12:00. This b**** was doing 88 for pretty much a lot of the time. Maybe even sometimes 90 because I would be in an empty stretch and it's easy to go fast. I made four delicious pumpkin pies a brussel sprout casserole and I was going to make pumpkin rolls but I just didn't get time since I went and got mom. She's been saying a lot of stuff how she doesn't want to be with over here because she says that she has nothing to do and she doesn't want to just go to Eunice's cuz it's the same old people over again and I'm like come on now seriously? Like you haven't seen anybody and I don't know how long everybody misses you and they want to be with you and everything and you don't want to be around us? then she said she doesn't want to celebrate holidays anymore she said she doesn't even want to come for Christmas. Which before I talk to her again before I take her or whatever when I drop her off I'll tell her if she doesn't want to come that's okay. But I want Tina to come for Christmas. can't sit there and ruin Tina's Christmas just cuz you don't want to come out and do something with everybody else if you don't want if you want to be alone you can be alone. You can't force people to go when they don't want to. She's upset and she doesn't want to be at Louie's because she can't smoke or drink freely. And that sucks. In other news Angel went to the vet on Tuesday and I took her so she could finally get her leg checked out since she was f****** dragging it it made me feel terrible because I am. and when we went to the vet they pinched her in the middle of her back and she flinched really hard. Lady said that has to do with her nerves being all messed up in her brain not sending them the right signals to move her legs. So that inflammation in her spine is causing one of her disc to be out of place. Angel had to have an x-ray. the top part of her back was spaced out on the spine but the back part was completely closed. And she has to take five different pills now. It's supposed to only last for two weeks so hopefully it'll work out which I think it would the lady said it has an 80% chance of working. And Angel is strong girl I feel like you fine. good news is that she has no arthritis or other old lady things like shattered bones and anything else literally just that disc is out of place because of her spine and if anything 20% chance of her having to have a surgery that costs two to three k and I know I can't afford it so I asked the lady about other options and she said she can just stay on pain meds. Which I don't mind as long as she feels okay. Wednesday she started that today is Friday. So it's only been 3 days but I already see improvements. it might be me being optimistic but I rather stay that way because I like seeing her be better and feel better. She's not yiping.at the vet I totally started tearing up though cuz I started being super sad when they took her to get the x-rays oh man I was sad for even worse news.

I'm so far I don't think I have anything else to discuss that's the only thing I have on my mind. Besides me having to stay on top of doing this more often. I think since I have to monitor Angel when I take her outside. I think I'll use this time when I take her outside at night to talk. or in the morning I can talk about what happened the day before or something I can just make sure I say that whenever I write this down or speak it. she can't be running or jumping so if she comes outside she has to be outside by herself and I've been walking her with a leash. but tonight I couldn't find her leash and I just let her out cuz she needs to be out and she seems fine as long as I'm out here walking around with her making sure she's not running and jumping or trying to escape get out. I think I can really utilize this time for this and actually get my thoughts out. the only thing that sucks is that angel has to be fed medicine at 8:00 in the morning, 4, and at 12:00 at night so that it keeps within the 8-hour increments.I think this is the only thing I can actually keep up with since I care about angel more. This girl has her own pill box she got two pill boxes it looks crazy as hell it's funny to me just cuz she's old and I know it and she has old lady pills. But man that's crazy as hell four pills in the morning one at four and then four more at night. Girl is wild. And I gotta keep her like this for like 2 weeks. Well see results then but I know angel will be good. I guess that's all I got on my mind good night

[mental-fuzz]

November 15th,

I was going to do this yesterday. But then I got high hahaha

No but for real I pretty much after I got home from work showered and started embroidering from like 6:30ish all the way up until like 10:00. I was very agitated embroidering I'm not very patient. Which I do like embroidery because I think it's cool but I think if I keep it up it'll make me or should I say teach me to be more patient and with threading to cuz I hate that. So far I did like four letters the other night before I got tired. Then smoke and I started watching unsolved mysteries which is oh my gosh a really good show. It made me sad cuz I watched one about a young girl who got murdered and the dude ended up escaping prison and never found and still running shits wild.and then yesterday I think most of my aggravation yesterday was also due to the part like during lunch I was driving in the back side of the parking lot back to work, and this girl just start zooming out and I stop and she stops right in front of me. If I wasn't paying attention I could have t-boned her period so I stare at her and like just stare at her cuz it was like come on. and this girl has the audacity to give me the side eye and then flip me off and then drive off. I was like this b****, and I flipped her off before she left and I was calling her b**** and f*** you cuz that was really stupid of her cuz it was her fault. I didn't even honk at her I just stopped and looked at her. like why would she sit there and flip me off for something that wasn't my fault? I hope she does get t-boned and her car gets f***** up. I don't want her hurt but I want her to go through some headaches of finding a new car and insurance and police report and all that b*******, cuz f*** her.

[mental-fuzz]

Nov 13,

First off it's Friday the 13th. Second of all I can't believe I've gone a whole week without being on here like I know I haven't the past three days but the but I don't understand how I forgot to do any of these days the days are starting to merge together I don't like that. It honestly they always merge but I think I just have this everybody cuz they're getting older. I'm watching the universe show on Netflix. and I really like it cuz it's giving me information like watching anything that gives me information. Especially science documentaries I think they're so cool. But anyways one of the big ones so far branded is dead which sucks cuz he was really cute and he was really nice for as far as I know because I've only met him a few times. And apparently Bubba Tuesday and I think it really matters that he is I mean the song He's you know in a good spot like mentally about it. Except his parents are being bigots about it. And today is Cody's birthday which I do have his present for like the past October or whatever and it's in the car getting fixed which sucks it's actually planned. It's original service apparently has coverage and she said she had it for the past few days but I haven't seen her since like probably October. So I'm pretty sure I'm good I should probably ask lili.I asked her if she was good mentally and if she's not going to get bored but she said she's good on the boredom part she got it covered. However she said that she says the mania counteracts the depression, which I think it's not good considering how they're too opposite sides of the spectrum. So I told her to just make a routine it'll probably help her with a mania and depression. I need to follow my own advice. Funny how we can try to help other people but I can't help myself, I sure afraid that or choose to change or help myself. right now I'm not really like a voice to text because I have a stuffy nose and it sucks. The phone keeps picking up the show too, so I'm having to go back and fix words that it's mistyping for me or from the show. I want to tear off my nose. Okay anyways about me mentally right now, hmmmmm.... The springs surrounds itself honestly I'm not sure I just been feeling like a blank slate thinking on s*** period and smoke but I just started it's 12:12 now. And I'm drinking chamomile tea so maybe it'll help me go to sleep even though I know I'm tired and I should go to sleep now but I wanted to smoke because I feel like it'll make me sleep better and harder. I'm getting better at inhaling smoke from my mouth. I guess what it really was is that I needed to take bigger heads because I was afraid of taking big puffs I guess. I realized that I do that all the time so I've been thinking bigger puffs. Man I'm two hits in my back already feels better.

B**** fell asleep on the couch, it's 309

[mental-fuzz]

Nov 7

So I've been bullshitting a lot and it sucks. I keep falling asleep before I write on here or I simply forget. Which honestly I can believe I forgot to write for the last few days >:c I remembered just now before going to bed. I've been watching the great on hulu and embroidering all night. It was nice except I got only two letters done and two needles ready to go. I wanna do some badass embroidery on a jacket with bedazzles all over it. It'll look nice. If anything thatll be a big and final project. I need to practice more on sort pockets or regular 4$ shirts. I might just do that after I fill my practice linen. I've been at a stale mate cause I want a new job now. I want more money to fit the lifestyle that I want. Which is materialistic! I can't help it, and I'm starting to think it may be some coping mechanism. Idk how cause I love shopping and making outfits for me! Hmm I told lili that I prolly wouldn't be able to do anything In fashion like that cause I'm not creative. Which really sucks cause I know I'm not creative. If anything I'm pretty good at..........maybe trying to be more realistic? But even though I so that it's pretty sub par. I think that's why I prefer acrylic and charcoal. If anything I would rather do oil than acrylic cause I know oil takes longer to dry and that's what I need . I tend to take to long in everything I do. Yesterday I forgot to write cause I spent the night watercoloring some morning glories. I only did the pink undertones and put a layer of purple on top 😬 It was not pretty. It was very muddled. But I did enjoy he company of lili being there. I miss that. I think that I'm very lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. Or so I think. My family is always around which I really do enjoy, but it's not the same as confiding to someone. I really want to talk to jess but I dunno. I feel like mg inner turmoil over the simplest things is so stupid that I don't want to bother anybody with it. And it's saddening that I have this mentality. I'm tearing up now pondering it. I like lilys attitude on life but I'm not sure I can follow suit. I'm not as strong as she is in that perspective. I can be hardheaded and stubborn but idk. I want to make that click in my head. I understand what is wrong with me in most aspects; mentality, work, responsibilities, literally being an adult. I'm not sure why I can't make that childish mind transition into that woman I see in my head. I want to know what's holding me back too. And it's making me so sad. So sad knowing something is there and I'm just not capable of figuring out whats going on. I really hate myself in that way because of that. I feel very inadequate cause I'm not smart. I know Im an information trash can cause I can't apply anything I know, because I always fucking forget the things that matter. I want to do better, I want to change. But I'm so scared of not knowing what's goin on. I hate being a vague shell of a person. I know being that way is probably why I can't make friends like I so desperately want. Half of me is wanting to shut myself in and have nothing to do with the world. The other half wants to party, be around new people, see things. But maybe hats me being optimistic. Cause sometimes I have that happy feeling in a tiny part of my heart. I think I have a bad memory, and then there's stuff I make myself forget and it's such a habit to do so, that in turn I do it unconsciously. Now I will go to sleep, it's 2 am. I hate myself. I will hate myself in the morning. Solely because I stayed up too late embroidering til 1245 and then washing vmy teeth, then spending a whole ass hour on my lunatic ass ramblings. I will suffer for my lack of time management like always

Goodnight

[mental-fuzz]

Nov. 1 (12:40)

So Halloween was fun. I spent it with kesha and it was a little bit of a blur towards the end of the night. But I still had memory and remember all of my surroundings and actions. If anything the drinks were catching up to me and I drank water after 2. The time change kinda fucked me up cause then all of a sudden it was 4:45. I was like bitch, time flys when your having fun I guess. I wasn't planning to go out, but I felt extra sad so I wanted to be with kesha cause she just knows. She's a wild card so I liked mixing it up. So when I was at the bar, I was really vibin and I didn't mind just sitting at the bar drinking water. I loved how vibrant and chaotic the atmosphere felt. It was noisy and laughter and conversations hung in the air. It was amazing. Yesterday was nice.

Today was kinda sucky considering that I didn't sleep cause I woke up at like 8. I took a ibuprofen to take my headache away so that felt better. I smoked with lili before work, but I don't think I should do that. Or if anything at least just be good with two hits. I might've woke up still a little drunk cause in the morning at work I was just roaming around feeling nice but after lunch it went away and was replaced by a "I could fall asleep standing up" tired. I don't remember the last time I felt that way. I felt like a zombie, I was so tired. I then drank a loca mocha and i didn't feel better until like after I pooped and I felt replenished, literally at like closing. Maybe hence the reason I stayed up, or out of habit? Rn I'm tying to write down everything really fast cause it's 12:56 now and I'm like bitch go to bed. I know I need the sleep but I didn't realize how fast the night went.

I've also forgot to draw yesterday and today. Maybe in the morning I can do a late entry and the new entry that way I can make myself go back into the groove.

1:04

[mental-fuzz]

October 30th, 2020 (technically it's October 31st cuz it's 1:58. a.m.)

I'm watching a movie called oh theories on Netflix called the Queen's Gambit. oh my God it's so good it's about a girl who plays chess from what she's basically a prodigy. So far I want episode 4 and man there are an hour long but I can't stop watching it. And I just wanted to sleep in another entry before I forget I don't want to get out of the habit of not doing it. so Jessica took me home after work and she stayed for a while we smoke and she's telling me about how she felt about Aspen. I hate what she's done to her because I know how Jessica can be with how loving and open she is. I just hope yes cuz they able to get over Aspen and realize she has the potential for someone who's better than her . And I know just knows that she can't do better. and I'm really happy that Alex is there to help her because I really suck with advice or coming up with options. makes me feel like I'm inadequate as a friend a lot of the times just cuz I'm not experienced in any relationships of those complexity since I guess I'm so straightforward and blunt. I hate how I have to work in the morning I don't want to apparently we have to start working from 10:00 in the morning on Friday and saturday. It's pretty lame. But it was busy as hell and I'm glad it was cuz I didn't want to be bored with that all day. we might just need an extra person closing though cuz I feel like people try to come in the steel like these two girls who already tried to come in earlier.

I think I should play with Angel more on my days off I feel like I need some loving from her and she needs some love too.

I need to get my s*** together man.

[mental-fuzz]

October 29th 2020

So I tried calling my younger brother since today is his birthday. I really hate how he's in that hospital. It makes me sad. And I know I'm not the most interesting person in the world. But I want to tell him so many things and show him so many things but I can't. And I'm not sure what exactly to do about that. (and by the way I'm not editing any of this because I don't like to do that) I wish them happy birthday and I'm going to get them a binder with some card holders for his cards. He likes Pokemon cards, and I told him about how the new Pokemon cards kind of confused me cuz there's so many and they look so different from whenever I was little. The oldest nephew from A (second oldest sister),, likes the alohan type of Pokemon cards and so does my brother. I feel like those two are going to have a good time talking just because they have so much in common. Well at least when it comes to shows and stuff like that. But I feel like they're going to be like me when it comes to watching anime and stuff. Well that's one topic. Earlier tonight I walked out to take out the trash and I looked up and I remembered about how NASA made a post about how the Andromeda galaxy is going to be visible and the Northeast around 8:00 a.m. p.m. it's p.m.and I only remember because I looked at the screenshot I took earlier whenever I went outside and I looked and I remembered it but the exact details like the time and directions I looked it up. But anyways well I was outside I could see how clear the Stars looked. A full moon which is a blue moon I think it's going to be in two more days on Halloween. Its already looking so big and bright. And so while I was staring at the Moon I think I can say that's the first time I actually completely stared at the Moon just staring. And I could see the craters and shadows on the moon. It was so weird. Cuz I was actually in reality able to see the moon how everybody else sees it. Right above it I'm not sure if it's Venus or Mars, but I'm pretty sure it's Venus cuz it has a yellowish tint it's really bright. I also think I'm remembering right now on NASA saying something about how Venus is closer this year or maybe around this time of the month.

And I think I like this type of voice to text diary thing. Because maybe I'm able to put down my thoughts faster than I can actually write it. I feel like a lot of the times I have too many tabs open in my brain. And the important tabs are on the side to where I'm not seeing them.

[mental-fuzz]

Okay so... I'm going to try to do a voice to text diary on here. Because apparently me writing it down is not working. And I feel like if I write down everything, maybe reading in between what I write or say in my case will help me analyze what's going on later. And since on here it doesn't show the date, I'll just have to write at the top. And I guess we'll see how this goes. and by all means this isn't meant to be a public thing to be shared and reposted or whatever. I just want to write everything down without missing anything.