meowitsannie

[meowitsannie]

You can’t figure out who you want to be, you know? It’s your indecision that paralyzes you and hurts us, Hank. I can feel your restlessness. I mean, a moment like this, yeah, you want me, you want us. And then that moment pass, and you become like this ghost. 14 years ago, “I love you” was more than enough. I mean, it was almost revolutionary. And now… I don’t know. They’re just words. I mean, I know you mean them, but… Hank, I don’t know what they mean to you. You want to be saved?

Karen, Californication, 2x10, “In Utero” (via darkpassenger)

You're my Hank... ❤️

[meowitsannie]

It only seems to get harder

The package of my things sit unopened. I haven’t had the courage to open it up. I keep thinking of the smell of your house trapped in that box, it’s just too much for me. This past week you’ve been constantly in my dreams. Sleep is challenging.

I wake up & say a prayer to calm myself. I say a prayer for you…

I do this at least 3-4 times a night, hoping that the next time I wake up I’ll trust my prayer was heard. I don’t want to do much. But I continue to move & remind myself that I'm growing from this. No more ignoring the pain. No more filling the void.

[meowitsannie]

Waiting on shit hitting the fan!!!

Welp, not what I expected. Joked for months that shit will hit the fan, didn't expect this! So much secrecy! It was pointed out that I have major trust issues! Then pregnant!?!? Like OMG WTF!!!? I'm exhausted. Total mind fuck. Apologies aren't necessary, we don't owe each other anything- yet, I feel terrible. I'm so tired. This is probably the universe telling me to wake up & sit through all the discomfort I refuse to face. I can't grow, I can't heal, I can't get unstuck if I continue ignoring that I'm hurt. I hate how I'm still hurting. I still love him, so much. I refused to acknowledge that. I felt like he walked away (several times) & left me there- I meant nothing to him. It hurts. I hurt. I miss him. I'm also rambling.

[meowitsannie]

Sighhhhhhhhh

Been so distracted. Soft little voice inside of me nudges me to feel it through. I need too, I need too.. but I don’t have the will to sit through it and figure out what exactly what I need to feel. 

[meowitsannie]

Wishes. Kisses.

Happiest Birthday to you. Wishing you the best- you deserve it. 

[meowitsannie]

I came in to tuck you in goodnight & I saw this. I avoided the family room for months because of this. You took it out of its old home & placed it in your room. I don't know how I feel about it, makes me miss him even more- I guess. But if it makes you happy & you remember him for putting and smile on your face & creating memories with you, than that's ok. He's an incredible man, I wish he was able to see that.

[meowitsannie]

Focus on loving yourself, the first thing I see when I get on tumblr. Is this a sign? Universe- are you trying to tell me something? This has been an up hill battle, where do I even begin? I guess I’m starting off with compassion- for myself and people. Hurt people hurt people & I’ve hurt myself long enough. I hope it gets easier because it feels like it’s just getting even more difficult as I get older. It feels magnified, I’m overshadowed with doubt. We only have one life, I need to live,  want to live - not in just areas of my life that I find less challenging but it every single scope of my being. 

You brought me here. You’re love opened up pain that I never wanted to face. 

https://www.instagram.com/pbuddhaproject/

[meowitsannie]

Battles

Gut feeling. Fucking intuition. I've felt mine has betrayed me. I listened, I'm still listening- I'm also confused. One minute at a time, that's all I can really handle.

[meowitsannie]

Back again..

I haven't slept since Sunday. I've taken handfuls of melatonin & manage to get 2 hours of sleep. My teeth ache. I ache all over. Food is tasteless. I can't keep anything down. I'm exhausted. I've been kind to self, I've encouraged self, & Nothing is working. I have a list of things to do & I just stare at it. Pay bills, mail this, cook dinner. I was doing so well last week! Ran a mile everyday, was on top of my school work, searched for jobs, played with my daughter.. & now I'm lost in this storm. I want so badly to get out. I hate everything. I want to stay in bed all day but it sucks the life out of me. I should go for a walk but it sucks the life out of me.

[meowitsannie]

Be my friend!!

[meowitsannie]

A friend sent me a pic of her cat that can’t cat. I laughed & thought of you. I see a lot of things that remind me of you, of us. Typically, I smile but sometimes it hurts, & I get a bit overwhelmed. Those moments, I’m upset at you & blame you for everything. I want to destroy you & forget that we ever existed.

I quiet my mind.

I’m a complex woman with very complex emotions. But when calm, I see that I don’t want to burn the bridge we fought so hard to build. Pain is okay, I was taking the right chances for something I want(ed).

[meowitsannie]

Breakfast Burrito

Damn my cravings for breakfast burritos. I’ve never been fond of them, the smell use to make my stomach churn but for the last couple months I’ve found myself sinking my teeth into one weekly. 

So off to the store I go, in search for ingredients to satisfy my craving & there I found you. It’s been a month since I decided to quit whatever we were doing, but here we were. You are the sleaziest most insecure man I’ve ever met but there’s also something oddly charming about you (maybe it’s how honest you are about being such a sleaze). You got a killer smile.. & a killer bod. So we exchanged banter & we smiled & we laughed & we caught ourselves up.

& I took more than bacon home...

& you asked me things I couldn’t answer...

& you made me feel special, even for just a couple of hours.

I keep myself busy and have been trying this thing called “self-care”. I even allow the sadness in but when the sadness comes; I can’t get myself to feel (if that even makes sense). I feel this fog cover me but I can’t feel anything emotionally, all i know is I hate every single minute of it. Again, you made me feel special for a couple of hours. My mind would drift at moments & well, I wished I was elsewhere with someone else..

But I was okay with being with you too.

[meowitsannie]

Defenses

I went there, again. Don’t know why when anxious, i go there. A storm brews inside of me, my brain won’t shut off -

“you’ll never be a part of his life”

“he’s found someone worthy”

“you are an embarrassment”

Then the hurtful words come spewing out- I feel temporary relief. I sit there and I sob, hating how I handled it all. Maybe, this is my way of pushing you- get you to hate me for the painful things I say. Funny, I say too much and you say nothing at all. It’s been 6 months of this back and forth. I’ve let you go and you keep coming back. What do you want from me? You know what I want from you but I’m also starting to doubt myself. I don’t trust you, not like I use too. My hearts been broken several times, I’ve walked away multiple times, and when you come back - I allow you in. I can’t seem to hurt you. 

[meowitsannie]

amazeballs....

In collaboration with Stay Home Club, I turned my Social Circle design into an iron-on round patch. I love how it loks paired with the Tuff Guy patch I also designed. You can get them here  🐶💖

[meowitsannie]

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

Neil Gaiman (The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones)

Your actions don't match your words. There's a struggle admitting to yourself that you want to be with me.

You push me away. You pull me back.

I see you. I see the pain that lives within you. Your defenses are up when it comes to love. I've struggled to figure out what I need to do to get you to trust me.

Please, trust me.

We can't continue this. I can't take but only one more round and I'm struggling as we speak. Each time feel like I'm losing you all over again. I need to know you won't abandon me, that you'll face the fears, take the pain. I'll be right by your side, you won't face this alone.

[meowitsannie]

Pain is growth- sitting through it has been rather difficult. I'm waiting for the "GO" signal, waiting on myself to endure the pain. I think I'm close. I realize that it's ok to put me first, it's ok for me to care for myself, it's just a matter of convincing myself not to feel guilty. I've been giving & understanding to people who needed me but when I needed them I was abandoned. I continued to let the people who stonewalled me, abandon me, ridiculed me, & used me back in my life- always understanding or not feeling much at all. I deserve respect. I deserve to give myself respect.

[meowitsannie]

Just in case....