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New Years Resolutions maybe?

I've never really tried New Years resolutions because I have crippling depression and am chronically demotivated so I just thought that they weren't for me. I've had to get on SSRI's recently and it's been weird time to say the least. I love that they make me feel like I don't want to die but I also feel guilty about relying on them without working on myself because that's the trap I've fallen into. These tablets don't give me superpowers, I'm still extremely demotivated and have many existential crises. I decided I want to start chipping away at this problem, slowly but surely. For that, I've come up with a list of things that I want to work on and/or remind myself of constantly. Welcome to ep 1 of "Merp is doing their best please be nice to them" (In no particular order) :

Learn to voice disagreement

Stop thinking about what you think other people will think of you

Learn to be proud of and appreciate yourself for things unrelated to your academics

Try your best at everything

a) Learn to motivate yourself and b) Learn to do things even if you aren't motivated

Take care of your self and your physical health

Honorary mentions:

Always think about the motives behind your goals, push yourself for the right reasons

I'm going to go on to explain the reasoning behind each goal, you can read it if you feel like but this is here just as a reminder for me!

Learning to voice disagreement is the first resolution I thought of for this list. I've always been the kind of person who wants to "keep the peace" and avoid conflict. This ties in a lot with my second resolution as well because often I don't voice disagreement because I don't want people to think of me as a burden. But I learnt last year that there is a time and place to choose your battles and you still have to fight some of them. Rolling over often puts me in an uncomfortable situation where I feel out of control. I have the right to disagree with people's opinions and I have the right to ask for things to be done differently some times. So I'm going to start exercising that right.

There's a reason I wrote "...what you THINK other people think..." It's because I know I am an overthinker and I often twist things in my head because of it. But yeah, I want to stop thinking about what other people might think because I figured (or I think at least) that this is why I'm demotivated. I'm doing things for other people and not for me. So like, stop that LMAO

This resolution is pretty specific but I'm sure people resonate with it. I've, in the recent years, started basing my self worth SOLELY off of my academic performance which, mind you, is only average. I'm sure one can see why this is a horrible cycle to be in. This, AGAIN, ties in with the idea that "if I do well other people will think I'm smart so then I can actually be proud of myself." I want to learn to be proud of myself not by other peoples standards but by my own.

Initially, this resolution was going to be "try your best everyday" but, I know that somedays I just won't be able to, and that's fine!! I do however want to try my best at all my goals. Academic goals, hobby related goals, self growth goals, etc. I want to try my best at each and every endeavor I set out on because, I think at least, that doing your best is an objectively good quality to have. I don't necessarily mean pushing yourself to the full extent every time. As always, there's a balance to be struck!

This one is kinda the overarching goal of this entire post- tackling my demotivation. Part a) doesn't need much explanation I think. Learning to do things even when you're not motivated is actually something I saw in an odd1sout video and it's something that stuck with me. Realistically, you aren't ALWAYS going to be motivated and, in this economy, there's a lot of things you're gonna have to do even if you don't like it. So I think this quality is essential to have actually.

This last one is a pretty common resolution I'd think and I'm about to fall asleep so YEE

Overall, I don't think I'm going to be documenting my progress on these except for maybe and occasional update. This blog is more for me to work on my academics because that's very important to me at the moment (but not TOO important). But we'll see if I change my mind. If you made it this far, I'm honored you care about what I have to say. Bye for now!!

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