merry-merry-merry-go-round - Tumblr blog

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

BPD is fuckin wild. You feel every emotion so intensely and sometimes you feel nothing, but other times you feel EVERYTHING.

Other times, it’s just one.

If you feel depressed, it’s so intense that it’s as if you’ve never felt anything but depression.

If you’re anxious, you’ve never felt anything but anxiety.

If you’re angry, you’ve never felt anything but anger.

Same thing with happiness, feeling loved, feeling abandoned.

But all of a sudden your mood/emotion completely changes and you can’t remember what the last one felt like.

I fucking hate this disorder so much.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

Pick which mental illness effects you the worst in your daily life.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

This is so incredibly true of me.

Nobody ever talks about how being borderline involves so much waiting.

It’s waiting for something interesting to happen, waiting for something dangerous to happen, waiting for someone new to be obsessed with, waiting to be abandoned by them, waiting for a big emotional breakdown so that people will remember to worry about you, waiting for a recovery that you’ll never get, just waiting.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

it’s weird because mentally i’m years above my age but emotionally i’m more immature than my age which means I have all these emotions and i am so aware of them but i don’t know how to change them and i get angry at myself for feeling these emotions because i’m painfully aware of how irrational they are

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

((Click the picture, I’m sorry I’m on mobile))

“I learned that people with BPD process things differently. They see everything as a threat, and their own bodies actually go into fight-or-flight mode. A simple comment can be perceived as a threat or incite fear of abandonment. Their reaction is not planned, and it is not manipulation; it is impulsive and reckless. And they regret it afterward, which then results in a cycle of shame and guilt. It is heartbreaking.”

I’m on the verge of tears with the validation and how much I can relate to this down to my own core.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

My talents include:

- falling in love with everyone who’s nice to me

- jumping to conclusions

- pushing loved ones away

- AHHHHHHH™

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

The thing about BPD is that you can be in the middle of a great conversation and laughing and having fun, then the other person’s face or voice changes for half a second and suddenly the world is crashing down around you.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

positive things about having bpd that aren’t talked about enough:

- when you hear a song that’s strikes you just right and you feel it in a way it’s impossible to put words to but it’s so solid and real

- being so, so passionate about loving people and things and having so much love to give, always

- diving so fully into something that catches your interest that you lose track of time and it becomes a part of you if only for a few minutes

- somehow managing to put words to the things you’re feeling because they so often become tangible, physical things, and being able to give those words to other people to let them vocalize their own feelings

- always wanting to make your friends happy, whether it means constant little things like texting them a bunch of hearts to make them smile when they’re sad or grander gestures like surprising them with their favorite food on a bad day and feeling so warm when you make them smile

- such a deep introspective understanding of yourself, whether it’s your identity, what’s going on inside your head, or otherwise, chances are there’s something you’ve spent hours and hours thinking about

- being so, so strong because you deal with so fucking much every single day, the fact that you’re here today means you’ve accomplished so much and survived so long, because every day might be a struggle but you’re fucking killing it

pls feel free to add more!!! there’s so much negativity in the bpd tags, it’s a shame because sometimes having bpd is just as much a gift as anything else

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

What addicts want normal people and those who love us to know

1. We are not stupid, we’re well aware of the damage. We know that what we are doing is killing us. We know that we are hurting people. We are aware of how society sees us. We know.

2. ADDICTION IS NOT ENJOYABLE. We are not “partying” or having a good time. The party ended a long time ago. We’re fucking miserable. Many of these drugs were never party drugs to begin with. It might seem fun and exciting the first week or month, but it quickly becomes a chore.

3. We don’t keep using just because we want to get high all the time. We use to not get sick and just to function normally in our daily lives. After awhile, we’re not thinking “how am I going to get high today?” We’re thinking “how will I be able to get to work today?” And then the reason we relapse is because we can’t remember surviving without it.

4. We have massive amounts of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem. We don’t need to be called “pieces of shit” and “scum junkies” because we already feel that way about ourselves every day!! The disease tells us not to care when we lie to and steal from friends and family. The disease makes us selfish. But we are human and we feel terrible about it. We aren’t psychopaths and are more than capable of feeling remorse. The more selfish acts we engage in, the worse we feel about ourselves. But we compulsively keep dragging ourselves through dirt.

5. It has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. It is no one’s fault and you did not fail as a sister/brother/mother/father/aunt/grandpa/best friend. When we lie to or steal from you or choose drugs over you, it is nothing personal. It does not mean we don’t still love you. When the disease takes over, it doesn’t necessarily want to hurt you. It just assigns everyone the same value so they are neutral/irrelevant. Someone in active addiction is stuck in a completely internal thought process that completely blocks out the existence of other people.

6. The drug is stronger than love and values like family and friendship and that’s why we’ve chosen it over you. That is the unfortunate truth. That’s why we find a higher power in recovery, because no human power or emotion can fight off the drug on its own.

7. While addiction makes us choose the drug, we NEVER chose the addiction over you. Addiction is miserable and we don’t want it. The addiction chose us.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

me, unprompted: (goes on at great length about something im extremely into for an absolutely disproportionate amount of time)

me afterwards, realizing what I’ve done: and by the way im sorry im alive

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

i understand that my friends don’t wanna talk every day. i understand that my s/o doesn’t wanna be lovey dovey and super indulgent every day. lots of people need rest from performative emotions. all people need rest in general! it’s okay!! it doesn’t mean they don’t love me!! it’s not a judgement or punishment!! they deserve to take their rest, and they deserve for me to treat their needs with respect!

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

It's better to burn out then fade away is what Kurt said, I felt the same until I saw his daughter and thought as a father what if tomorrow the only way I could spoil it was dying? I started crying and popped a valium and turned up the volume.

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

Machine gun Kelly - spotlight

What if life was simple as a hug? What if my partner wasn't crippled from a drug? What if my other homie never caught a slug? What if my parents actually gave a fuck?

[merry-merry-merry-go-round]

What up! Been a literal minute.