messedupnightmares

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Have you ever met somebody that you just love so purely love platonically?

I have never met someone so… her. I feel like the world is unlimited with her by my side.

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books I’ve read in 2023 📖 no. 055

Flock by Kate Stewart

“Most consider knowing all-consuming love a blessing, but I consider it a curse. A curse I’ll never be able to lift. I’ll never know love again as I did here all those years ago. And I don’t want to. I can’t. I’m still sick with it.”

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Life…

I haven’t had a depressive episode in about a year, and I think that’s pretty friggin awesome. I’ve been going to the gym daily, eating better, and just trying to focus on myself. Which makes me happy. Why? Because I want to be the best mom and I want to actually live. For the first time, I want to LIVE! I think that’s absolutely incredible. I want to live for my babies, I want to live for my friends, I want to live.

is life all super grand and dandy? No. But, yknow. For the first time, I actually see the light. I have three beautiful babies, I’ve been able to work through my anxiety, my triggers, and just everything. I am working to better myself everyday. Physically, mentally. To be a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, a better ME.

Honestly, those are what my days consist of. A part of me wants to go back to work. A part of me wants to be here for my kids during the day. Charlotte had a family picnic at school the other day, and a few of the kids didn’t have a family show up because they were working. Which, can you blame their parents for? Absolutely not! And it just filled me with gratitude that I did get to show up for her.

I was talking to my best friend (who deserves a whole post to herself even though no one I know knows about this tumblr - she is amazing), and I told her… I don’t see myself getting depressed again for the foreseeable future. My hormones are balanced. For the first time in my life, my cycle is actually regular!! And my goal is to live to see my kids grown and living their best life. And I can’t allow myself to get like that again. Not that bad anyway.

I’m 2 years away from 30. Less than. And I have feelings about it. Weird, convoluted feelings. And I just hope I keep improving. Keep bettering myself. Up to 30 and beyond. I’m not proud of the human I used to be. But I want to be proud of the human I’m becoming.

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Here I am, all hormonal today.

Could still be PPD. Could be I’m pregnant again. Could be both.

I am not doing okay.

Well… I’m doing okay for my babies.

But fuck…

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PPD is no fucking joke.

And I do a really good job of hiding it.

I just chalk up my outbursts to overstimulation. Nobody asks why I’m overstimulated or easily triggered.

Nobody asks me about the intrusive suicidal thoughts. Why would they? The only person in danger of those thoughts are me.

*sigh* if you’re reading this.. I’ll be okay.

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Hello suicidal thoughts,

It’s been awhile. I have not missed you. Please go away. 

Please just be hormonal. 

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Well… I just had a bomb dropped on me today…

SO. 1.) I’m a tad bit impaired but whatever.

2.) !! I always thought my “sperm donor” was the product of a one night stand. Especially after finding out the guy I thought was him actually wasn’t at all my DNA thanks to 23 and me.

So….

There was a guy my mom was casually dating when I was conceived. Everyone thought he was my … DNA I guess lol. He was going to be there for me 110%. Willing to take custody and pay child support. All that jazz. I guess they got a DNA test done and it came back negative… according to 23 and me, his family name is related to me somehow.

So my mom said she always thought there was one night I was conceived but she was never a 100% sure. She was waiting for this guy at his house with a friend. His little brother and his friend had my mom and friend drink a little to pass the time. My mom (and her friend) remember absolutely nothing from that night after their first drink. And now my mom, looking back, thinks that one of those two guys (and with 23andMe narrowing it down to the same last name as the guy she had been seeing.. his little brother) took advantage of her…

Making me a product of

Rape

And I am still trying to process it.

I think the hardest part for me is that my dad (the one who ended up raising me, my dad) and my mom decided that moving cross country would be the best for our family because of ME. There was a guy in town while my mom and dad were growing up that everyone knew (or assumed) who his father was except him. And to this day, it’s still talked about today in that town. And my parents didn’t want that for us. For my siblings to be the side product of gossip, for me to be the main source of gossip.

But tonight, talking to my mom, we both came to the realization that I was the product of rape and that was really hard for me. And it might have been hard for my mom. (She was livid) I’m thankful my mom was open about it to me. And it makes me love my dad (the one who raised me) just that much more. He really is something special.

It takes somebody special to take somebody in as their own and then move across the country away from everyone and everything they have ever known for this child. Just freaking wild my dude. Wild.

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Life has been a roller coaster. I don’t have much time for socialization anymore. We bought a house! We actually were not originally planning on doing so, but we fell in love and on a whim, we put in an offer on Valentine’s Day. And it was accepted! Move in date is May 17. I never thought I would be a homeowner. Especially at age 25. I also thought I wouldn’t be married at age 25 but yet, here we are. Because when life gives you lemons... yum!!

So now, we’re packing. But not everything because we’re about to go camping for a week. We have our engagement party, bridal shower, my future SILs college graduation, my sister’s senior dinner, and I got summoned for jury duty all on the same weekend. May 15-16. My sister’s birthday is also in a week and a half and it’s a big one.

And we’re also planning a wedding. I didn’t hire a wedding planner because I’m a control freak. I did hire a day-of coordinator who I absolutely trust. Girl knows how to throw a wedding! I have my “look” from head to toe. Charlotte has hers. Including the most adorable jewelry. I am such a control freak, I’m not trusting a florist to do our centerpieces and I’m doing them myself. LOL I sound like a bridezilla but I promise I’m not. I’m pretty chill. I can see why people turn into one though.

I’m trying to go pretty minimalist for the wedding decor because I don’t want to upstage the lake. We’re getting married in Tahoe! Not much decor is needed. Our cake has been ordered. Freaking Yum! She’s awesome, too.

There is still so much to do though! So while I chase a toddler around and care for her, I’ve got a million things on my mind.

Oh! And I have to make an OB appointment to get out my birth control, I have to make an appointment for contacts. I’m drowning in stress lol. Stress I am thankful for. Thankfully Dominic sees it and sends me for drives. Yesterday I went to Starbucks and took a nap next to their parking lot. Car naps are awesome, and I have appreciated them since I went to school. Oh! Speaking of school! I haven’t been since I was pregnant (which was awesome, I loved all my classes), BUT I might be headed back. But for a special online class so I can still be a stay at home mom. And when I finish I can go back to work. Maybe? And get one step closer to what I want my career to be! Don’t get me wrong, I love being a SAHM, but soon, she’ll be in school... then what?

Awh! So much is happening! This season of life is crazy, and yet, I’ve been through crazier. Thankful for it!

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We've postponed our wedding and I am a mixed bag of emotions. I am no longer a major stress ball, and I have more time to do the DIY projects to make our weddings ours! We have signed contracts and put down security deposits! I feel so much better about our timeline! I'm really sad we have to wait so long though. the wedding date was supposed to be this Saturday, and it would've been perfect for Everything I had originally had planned. Color scheme. long sleeves. Everything. but everything happens for a reason And now we're having a summer wedding!

we went to a wedding last month, and I just felt so bad for the bride. First, she had to switch venues. second, she had to cut her guest list in half and third, only half of her RSVPed guests actually showed. THEN, the weather was 118 degrees Because of the heat wave, and then there was terrible Smoke from the California fires which completely obstructed her views! the bride's mom broke her shoulder and couldnt make it to the wedding. And to top it all off, there was a double homicide A block away from the venue DURING her ceremony (and one of the bodies was five rows into the vineyard.. thankfully nobody saw because it was near the reception area). We then were shuffled inside and sat and ate in the hallways (not an indoor wedding venue whatsoever) until they had it figured out! if rain is good luck on a wedding day, I can't imagine what that wedding Will bring. They'll last forever! Also, they had an open bar and Dominic saw me sleep on the bathroom floor for the first time (from being drunk)... and it was SOO much fun!! definitely a much needed adult night out while Charlotte was being taken care of By one of her grandparents in Tahoe.

Dominic and I are crazy different people, but together, we make a great team (I think). We challenge each other and help each other grow. All the time 🤣. And I'm just so excited to start Married life (I mean, we're practically living it already minus the title) With him. In four more years, we'll be moving out of state and we'll have at least one more snuggle muffin (whether it be four legged or two) in our family. I love watching our little grow and learn. sure, this corona has hit her social skills extra hard, but because she is her father's clone, I'm sure she'll catch back up in no time!

This year, we're spending Christmas with my brother and his family in New Orleans! And I'm so excited to see Charlotte with her cousins again! They all love Charlotte and Charlotte loves them so much!!! They all play so well together! And seeing my brother in uncle role is extra weird! he Is absolutely fabulous with her! And Jax is a natural auntie! and I'm just so excited for Charlotte to have those close Cousin relationships! It's something I never had and wish I did.

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Every time I type “that” my phone autocorrects it to Thaddeus and my heart does a pitter patter. On a different note, I’m high key over stressing about the wedding and planning that needs to go into it. We’re changing venues and I’m high key just a major stress ball. Even if we weren’t changing venues, I’d be a major stress ball. Once we get everything settled, I’ll be more at ease. I like party planning but dang.

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I’ve got big news y’all.

Prologue: We have FINALLY decided on two girls names if Charlotte happens to have some baby sisters. We have had boys names for awhile... since before we knew Charlotte was a girl. Omg! We’ve been talking about girls names since we picked out Charizard’s name. I vetoed everything he had. He vetoed everything I had. But with constant conversation, we finally decided on two names, first and middle. And I love those names more than I can simply tell you. I’m so excited for Charlotte. She’s so good at playing with others and I can’t wait for her to constantly have a friend. My siblings and I are so tight. And as Jordan moves up in his career (and around the country) and I focus on raising CharChar and my sisters enter adulthood, we just seem to get tighter. I love them so forking much it’s crazy. And I just hope Charlotte gets that sibling bond eventually...

But we’re officially in full wedding planning mode and I can’t believe it! (This is not THE big news but still some big news) I REALLY can’t believe it. We have a majority of our wedding guest list made with addresses. Getting addresses have been difficult because my address book I keep doesn’t have updated addresses so I have to clarify and verify. We’re having it at Dominic’s Dad’s place since he has five acres in the hills with beautiful surrounding views (when Dominic told me he wanted to get married there since he was a child, I didn’t blink an eye. It’s stunning and sentimental.) and on my great grandparents wedding date because their love story is so uniquely beautiful and they were beautiful people themselves. Nothing has been finalized besides that. And I’m hoping to have a simple, beautiful “backyard” wedding to celebrate the joining of our little family. I don’t want to over decorate because it will take away from the views. I don’t want to spend a momnumental amount of money on it either, because I don’t want to be absorbed with everything having to be “PERFECT” because of the amount of money spent... the less money spent, the more I can enjoy the moment when/if something goes wrong and laugh about it later. We’re going to have a motif of “a strand of three ropes combined is harder to break”... which is actually biblical. I’m not religious but I think it’s beautiful and Dominic is religious so it will incorporate his Catholicism wonderfully. Because at the end of the day, it’s about us and unifying our little family. I’ll be changing my last name and it’s just.. I’m so excited.

However, our big news is... after our wedding... whether it be a month to six months after (we’ll decide as the time gets closer... we’re thinking we’ll probably want to wait and enjoy ourselves a bit) ... I will be pulling out my birth control rod in my arm and we will be trying for baby #2! EEEK! AAND after next year (After the 2021 winter season), I will probably be retiring from teaching colorguard. At least in the Bay Area. (A story for another time for sure) So all of my time will be spent here. I’m not going to know what to do with myself lol... anyways... We’ve gone into great depth on whether or not we would like to even try for #2 eventually...

My pregnancy AND recovery was horrible. But our relationship grew stronger and it was completely worth it. Because duh. And I know what to expect now and my hips have already adjusted (probably the second pain of being pregnant... first being the pressure on my back and third probably having morning sickness to the day I gave birth lol... Fourth was her kicking my ribs constantly... she was very strong for a baby in utero), I feel like it will go a lot smoother. Charlotte took a lot of calcium from my teeth and caused me to get a few REALLY bad cavities in my wisdom teeth (which are out now.. my was that a story.. for another time I guess) (And I brushed my teeth twice (sometimes four times) a day when I was pregnant trying to avoid this because it was common knowledge that pregnant women are prone to cavities) and I know I have to drink a glass of milk a day (OBGYN recommended), and now I know that I have to take a calcium vitamin on top of that. At least Charlotte has good bones lol. I know that being pregnant with a toddler is going to be exhausting because being pregnant with no baby was exhausting (even if I was working two jobs full time AND going to school full time... honestly I always go back to when I coached at three different schools around the Bay, marched an independent group, went to school full time, and worked as an acting manager full time... there were days I didn’t eat and nights I didn’t sleep... if I can do that... I can do anything.) but I’ve already started a list of energy busters for that specific age she’ll be at. And Parenthood changes by the minute. I also know awesome back pain busters for pregnant women that I will swear by. I now make my students do them to help prevent their backs from getting injured. I’m just a lot more prepared for whenever our time comes again.

Our pregnancy with Charlotte caught us by surprise and we didn’t know what we were getting into. But I feel a lot better about being a mom and (future) wife. I spend nap times cleaning, cooking, gardening, and researching new studies for children. Being a mom has come somewhat naturally to me. I’ve learned A LOT about myself and the woman I strive to be. I’ve been... Planning meals, play dates, creating/adjusting to a routine as her needs change, keeping the house clean, playing with her to make sure she’s developing the skills she needs, keeping the house stocked with food and essentials, discussing finances with Dominic, and all in all, just managing the best I can. I feel confident. And when I don’t, I have an amazing support system to lean back on. To pick up my missing pieces and to confirm or deny any doubts I have. And a great partner in crime. He works his a-s-s off for our family. He gets up at 4am to leave at 4:30am to get home by 6pm. He works a salary office job so his hours change depending on meetings and clients and job walks. Sometimes he doesn’t even come home and he stays with his dad or my mom because it’s closer to the office. But he’s been able to work from home a time or two since starting at the end of October. As he gains more headway, he’ll be able to work from home once a week. And I’m counting down the days that happens. And once he hits that four/five year mark, he’ll be able to get a job just about anywhere with that on his resume.. we’re looking at Texas currently. For now, his commute is 2 hours. We’d move closer, but we absolutely love it here. If we didn’t move here for the original job he was set to have, we’d still be in the Bay. But even though he works there and we live quite a bit away, we love this area. It’s slow paced and friendly and quiet. So when we do have our down time, it’s extra nice to not be in the hustle and bustle of the Bay.

I’ve even started to consider homeschooling once she hits first grade til she’s in her last years of high school, because I want to create a value of curiosity in her instead of just taking notes of what is and what isn’t without asking questions. But Dominic has found some amazing private schools in our area and the areas we would like to move to that do just that too. I think it all depends on what I’m comfortable with. I think preschool is great though (probably because they aren’t teaching through notes but still) so I’ve got to get her enrolled because waiting lists can be crazy long we’ve discovered. We’re hoping the one local relative we have, her Auntie, will soon get a job at a preschool. She hasn’t graduated yet so everyone who has a degree has taken the job slots. But she graduates in a year and we can’t wait to watch her walk the stage and inspire our little girl!

Anyway, I went off rambling again...

All in all, Charlotte will soon have a baby sister or brother within the next two-three years and I think she’s going to be a beautiful big sister.

For now, I’m enjoying our moments as a family of three plus our fur baby. We bundled the heck out of her and took her outside in the wind storm today. We let her play in the grass and dirt while Dulley helped her dig and played with her. I spun my saber. And Dominic did a lot of yard work! It was a beautiful Sunday after an amazing and long Saturday. My heart is absolutely and incredibly full.

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So, life has been crazy. I guess it always is with a little one. I’ve also been avoiding posting on this blog for certain reasons, but at this point I don’t care because it really helps me sort my thoughts and I have made my private posts “public” since some of you have been asking questions.

A little update, she is the most lively thing. She has “puppy” energy times two. She’s the most energetic baby I have seen... ever I think. She stank faces and mean mugs everyone and then laughs about it. She’s loving almost all the food I put in front of her. I can literally sit and watch her all day. She has the best facial expressions. Absolutely no filter or poker face. She never really cries except when she’s constipated (which is rare). She whines when she’s tired. And when she wakes up she talks to herself until I come get her. She’s a total talker. She’ll talk to you all day. She gets bored with every toy you put in front of her but finds every “adult” item fascinating. (Hopefully Christmas will change that) She’s taking a few steps at a time right now and if she starts walking soon, I’m going to have a really extra hard time trying to keep up with her to make sure she doesn’t climb the stairs or goes near the fireplace or the dog bowls. (Her three favorite things right now... probably because she knows she can’t be over in those areas)

It’s hard to keep up with her while keeping the house clean and cooking. I’ve been learning to cook and I’ve learned to cook some crazy awesome recipes and learned to spice them up. All in all, I’m starting to feel like a real homemaker. Cooking, cleaning, baking, but most importantly mommying. Decorating for Christmas, keeping this house clean and organized. If you would have told me that I’d be a decent homemaker a few years ago I would have laughed at you. I couldn’t even keep my room straight and I ate out every day. But I’m finally starting to settle into a routine and starting to feel like myself again. Maybe it’s because I’m being active and my hormones actually seem stable. (Except when anything Christmas comes around, I start to cry... but I guess I’ve always been emotional)

On top of being a homemaker, I’ve been developing business plans to become a start up and I’m really excited! My hope is to get it up and going around April of 2020? But who knows. I’m trying to plan a 1 year birthday party in January on top of a wedding in October so... if the business plan gets pushed back til 2021, so be it.

Our landlord is coming on Monday, but I’m still teaching color guard on the weekends so I’m heading to the Bay tomorrow morning to get in some sister time so I’ve spent all day making sure everything is spick and span. Which is nearly impossible when you have a near toddler moving around undoing everything.

We’re renewing our lease to this beautiful home, but I don’t know how much longer we’ll be staying. Dominic has a job opportunity in Tahoe at a restaurant. Which would help him in his dream job goals - which is to open up his own BBQ joint with his competitive BBQing skills, we know it’d be a damn good joint. (He has ruined BBQ for me. I will not eat it unless it’s his or his dad’s.) But he just recently quit his job in this area (I was so engulfed by being a mom I forgot that some job environments are not healthy.. he was putting on such a brave face for me the last few months there) and he’s now two months into this new job in the Bay as a project engineer that is absolute killer. Full benefits for all of us. The commute is killer. But the house we live in, in the community that we live in. It feels like “home”. We’ve made great friends and have really developed a place here. But we’ve talked about moving closer since our friends are all talking about moving in about 3 years. And we might move one day soon. But in five years, we’re hoping to get out of this state. My brother is moving to Lousiana and Texas is close enough that I’ll move to SOME parts of Texas. But... fifteen year old me wants us to move to New England states filled with history and close to NYC. Dominic wants to move somewhere in the south. But he doesn’t do well in humidity and I keep trying to tell him that’s all they got...

Well, that’s all I got right now. Little miss is great, our pup is great (and getting pudgey), Dominic is doing well, and I’m starting to feel well too. I’m really thankful for this moment in time and after the new year starts a whole new whirlwind. But right now... I’m just going to enjoy these little moments at home, unplugging our Christmas trees, turning off all the lights, and going to bed in I think my favorite bed ever (even if Dominic still prefers our old one) next to the love of my life, with my anchor of a dog at my feet, and Little miss’s video monitor on my nightstand...

Life is full and life is great. Even the not so great moments right now seem to be great. Maybe it’s the hot chocolate talking. But I’m happy.

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My ppd is getting bad again.

I’ve decided though. That no matter what or how shitty I feel, I will live to see our little miss grow up.

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Being a mom is one of the most rewarding things I have ever experienced.

There are moments where it’s tough. Where my hormones still get out of whack and I can’t explain my sour mood. But a little TLC and it makes me feel so much better.

She has reached every milestone early. She started out hitting her milestones a week or two early, and now she’s hitting her milestones months before she’s supposed to. She’s incredibly smart and active. People keep asking what I’m doing, but I believe that it’s not what we’re doing, but that she’s completely motivated. I mean, we could have had a slight part but?

She’s sweet and bubbly and! Ugh, I love our little miss more than anything!

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Also from word of mouth, if you’re still checking up on this blog, you’ve got issues. 👌🏼 I’m actually a great mother that learned a lot about toxicity. Was I toxic? Yes. Have I grown? Yes. But apparently, you haven’t. So eff off🤙🏼

Also, side note: don’t tell me I have issues when you were going around town, getting drunk, and telling everyone my baby was yours. That’s not how sex works, FYI. Don’t remember? I’ve got a list of people who does. 👍🏼

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It’s impossible