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[messywhiteelephant]

Spring is in the air!

An analogy of new beginnings and rebirth, Spring is almost always associated with the world around us coming back to life. From my perspective, the beginning of Spring leaves a certain sheen on the morning sun as it comes up over the horizon. I always notice the ducks migrating back to the neighborhood, my peach tree beginning to bud, and the temperature inside 5 Boro Power Yoga starting to get significantly hotter as the outside temperature starts to increase (*wiping the sweat with my towel).

Like any season change, it is an opportunity to change your perspective. Often we have to change our position to see the change, but with every new season, the world changes around us instantly. All you have to do is be present to it!

In my personal growth, evolving in my yoga practice includes getting other perspectives: examining other yoga styles, experiencing new teachers, and being with broader yoga communities.  What better way to do that than by attending the Yoga Journal Conference (YJC) this past weekend in New York City.

Yoga Journal began in 1975 when a group of yogi's set out to create a magazine to "unite" a growing community with "classical yoga" information coupled with "modern science".  Since 2007, the YJC hosts days long events at various venues throughout the country, where yogis come together to experience training from master teachers and be exposed to innovations in all things yoga. Interestingly enough, all of the New York YJC's have been held in Spring.

My first class, entitled "Wake Up and Flow" with Vinnie Marino from Yoga Works, Santa Monica, was a great way to start my day.  His comedic improvisational fillers included his experiencing "coke"with his friends the night before at dinner ("coca-cola - not the drug coke" he noted - *chuckle) and "Nivasana" (boat pose), where he drew on the education board, making light of our potential slouchiness. Vinnie is known for his "rock n' roll" flow and taught many a Hollywood star. Vinnie workshopped "Warrior", simplifying the pose by grounding the back foot down before lifting the front foot into the abdomen (and rounding the spine), then gently placing it between the hands. This allows for the integrity of the pose, keeping the energy drawn into the midline. Vinnie was charming and witty, commenting on my thick New York accent as any good Californian would, yet encouraging me to take his class when I was in Santa Monica.

My second class, Master Sadhana, with renowned founder of the Dharma Yoga Center New York, Sri Dharma Mittra, was challenging and introspective.  Much of his lecture dealt with the Yamas and the Niyamas, and how to take the practice of yoga into our daily lives. The practice itself was challenging and his style of yoga was slightly different than Power Vinyasa.  What I noticed during this practice was my desire to go back to my comfort zone and practice in a way comfortable to me, rather than trying something new. After several corrections, I eventually submitted to the 74-year old's style.  Interestingly enough, I came out of the lesson really understanding his message of openness and compassion for the everything else around us.

After lunch, I attended a workshop by Auracacia, where Charlynn Avery discussed using essential oils and aromatherapy in our everyday life. Aromatherapy has been something of interest to me and somehow this tutorial was just enough to get me started. Soon after the presentation, I headed over to The Marketplace where I purchased some oils and obtained recipes for applications. The Marketplace is a space within the venue where the community gathers throughout the day to experience cutting edge yoga goods and services. While experiencing all that was available, I was exposed to the acrobatic works of AcroYoga, a blend of yoga and acrobatics that focuses on the principles of trust, listening and connection. This opened me up to something new that I may try in the future.    

My last class of the day was "Healing the Kidneys for Vitality and Longevity", with the owner of Prajna Yoga in New Mexico, Tias Little.  This class was a balance of both educational lecture and yoga poses specifically to target the health of the kidneys. The most valuable lessons learned from this lecture was how significant the health of our kidneys are in relationship to the mind/body experience.

The adrenal gland, which sits on top of our kidneys, releases hormones in response to stress i.e. our "fight" or "flight" reaction in crisis. An unhealthy adrenal gland is often associated with fatigue and overtime, the release of too much of a particular hormone can lead to illness. Through meditation and asana, we learn to regulate our response by imposing non-reaction, which long term, with help condition our kidneys/adrenal gland functionality. While the lecture allowed for an anatomical understanding of the function, positioning and connection the kidneys have in relationship to the rest of the body, knowing how these organs interact provides perspective on how each yoga pose impacts the anatomical structures. For the last half of the class, Tias focused on poses that engaged the health of the kidneys, particularly stretching the inner thighs, where the main descending artery runs from the kidneys to the feet, and the gentle compression/expansion of the lower back, which houses the organs.

As it turns out, my exposure to all of these perspectives provided tools that I can bring into my everyday life, on or off the mat. This experience was an example of how much we stand to gain if we are open to new perspectives. Just as we witness how the buds on a peach tree flourish from a little pod, to a beautiful flower, and onward to a delicious, sun rippened peach, allow for your perspective to shift in understanding how the world is evolving all around us and be open to it.

Life is short, so get messy!

[messywhiteelephant]

This weekend I learned that forgiveness is one of the key ingredients of a successful relationship.  

Forgiveness provides relief from the emotional baggage of the event(s) that inevitably keeps relationships stagnant and filled with resentment. Since returning from my training with Baron Baptiste, I have been in inquiry regarding the notion of forgiveness and how it allows for the possibility of a renewed vitality. What I have come to realize is that forgiveness must go hand and hand with new habit patterns. Even Baron Baptiste struggled with habitual patterns that blocked his vitality.  In an article with Origin, Baptiste tells of his struggle in his early 20s: with being a new yoga teacher, a new dad, and a new husband. He noted that no matter how much he practiced yoga – through asanas, meditations, prayer, and healthy eating - something was still missing.  It was through his forgiveness and through the forgiveness of others that he was able to clear the space and form new habit patterns. 

Forgiveness provides relief from the emotional baggage of the event(s) that inevitably keeps relationships stagnant and filled with resentment. Since returning from my training with Baron Baptiste, I have been in inquiry regarding the notion of forgiveness and how it allows for the possibility of a renewed vitality. What I have come to realize is that forgiveness must go hand and hand with new habit patterns. Even Baron Baptiste struggled with habitual patterns that blocked his vitality.  In an article with Origin, Baptiste tells of his struggle in his early 20s: with being a new yoga teacher, a new dad, and a new husband. He noted that no matter how much he practiced yoga – through asanas, meditations, prayer, and healthy eating - something was still missing.  It was through his forgiveness and through the forgiveness of others that he was able to clear the space and form new habit patterns.  

For me, after years of being resentful and holding onto mistakes my husband made, I finally came to a place where I truly forgave him, despite the fact that he has always forgiven me and accepted me for who I am. While I have forgiven him, the problem was, I continued to respond to him with habitual patterns that do not reflect forgiveness, rather exemplifies a hurtful past.  If I was to really commit to forgiveness, I must be impactful, create a celebration to mark a new beginning and create new behaviors that reflect true forgiveness. 

So, this weekend I created a memorable night of celebration to begin this rebirth.

Months ago, I had placed a new wedding band on lay-away at Nick's Fine Jewelry on Avenue U in Brooklyn for my husband.  I finally picked it up.  I had it engraved with our names and the day we officially started dating, as a symbol of our renewed commitment. Besides, this April marks 23 years we have been together, so presenting it to my husband on a special night for him would make it more special.  Since my husband was craving crawfish for months, I took him to an excellent canjun restaurant in Staten Island, NY called Bayou, where the atmosphere, food, drinks and service was wonderful.  Luckily, crawfish is in season and he ordered a “crawfish boil” that was outrageous. After ordering our drinks, I presented the ring to my surprised husband. After our great dinner, we went to see P!nk, his favorite female artist, who performed live at the Izod Center in New Jersey.  We had an amazing time at the show! I was able to express to him that my commitment to keep moving forward in this relationship is similar to P!nk's mantra of forgiveness on her new album.

Ironically, P!nk and her husband, Corey Hart, have a similar story to ours. Over the past few years, the couple has gone back and forth trying to just accept each other, struggling with it for so long that at one point there were reports that they had officially split up. Whether they had truly split is irrelevant. Inevitably, they found a way to come to terms with some of the unfortunate events in their relationship, to forgive and move on. The result was their beautiful daughter, Willow Sage Hart, and P!nk's successful new album, "The Truth About Love". 

One song in particular expresses a poignant message that resonates with the concept of forgiveness and change of habitual patterns. "Just Give Me aReason" is a conversation between two people: one who is open to forgiveness and sees the relationship as "bent" and the other who is still listening to the voices in their head telling them that the relationship is "broken".  This song speaks to forgiveness, learning to love again, and positive messaging in the relationship, rather than living in the past. 

      For years, I listened to the voices in my head telling me that my marriage was so far gone and that people can't change. I self-sabotaged my relationship and believed my husband couldn't change. I started to become this person I couldn't recognize, all the while, oblivious to the fact that he was coming into his greatness. While I was in a place of doubt in our relationship, my husband was always looking from a place of hope. I now know that without his perseverance and belief in us, we would not be here.

The truth about love is that it is not perfect. It takes work and commitment by both people.  If both people acknowledge the past, forgive and commit to changing behaviors, all the bends in the relationship can be straightened out over time. 

Life is short, so get messy!

[messywhiteelephant]

Two weeks ago, I began a new chapter in my life.

Let me rephrase that. Two weeks ago, 127 people began new chapters in their lives.  "How?" you ask. It started with a one week commitment to attend the Baron Baptiste, Level 1 Yoga Teacher Training in Hawaii. This journey was filled with waves of emotions, big and small, that would crash onto our yoga mats, knocking us into self inquiry, forcing us to dive deep within ourselves in order to awaken us from our numbed lives. For me and so many who attended this training, this trip was transformational.

My personal commitment to attend this training was the result of a manifestation from Baptiste's "40 Days to a Personal Revolution" program which I had begun months earlier in October 2012 at 5 Boro Power Yoga in Staten Island, NY, a studio committed to Baptiste's Power Yoga.  At the time, my commitment to yoga had become very personal and my participation in the 40 day program resulted in several manifestations which I was determined to transform into action. My manifestations were commitments to my family, my career, my community and to my yoga practice. As a result, my work with Baptiste's three source principles: physicalness, possibility and empowerment, allowed for a unique opportunity to explore, grow, and create new friendships that I will be forever grateful for.

From the moment I arrived on the Big Island that rainy Thursday night, I sensed a peaceful connection with the land. Before starting the Level 1 Training, I stayed with other yogis at the Hilo Bay Hostel, which was a simple and friendly place to rest, allowing for some time to explore the town of Hilo. After a late check in, I woke up extremely early, still operating on New York time. First, I headed over to the Hilo Sharks Coffee Shop, where they serve locally farmed Kona coffee and make delicious breakfast sandwiches with a homemade macadamia nut (mac-nut) pesto spread. Locals, like Sean from the Hawaii Tropical Botanical Garden, commune here for their morning coffee. They offered their friendly tips to learn more about the island. After admiring the artwork on the arm of the barista, he recommended Kristin at South Seas Tattoo if I decided to memorialize my trip. By noon we were all craving some yoga, so we headed to a community yoga class at Yoga Centered where the price was good ($7) and staff was welcoming to our small entourage.  We stopped by the Hilo Farmers Market, where I purchased strawberry-papaya, apple-bananas and rambutans.

Later that afternoon, while some of the yogis ventured out, I stayed behind to catch up on my writing but was inevitably invited to Waianuenue Falls aka Rainbow Falls by a local Hawaiian native named Schantall. Schantall schooled me on Hawaiian folklore, sang native songs and even pulled off the side of the road to obtain an 'awapuhi mele mele' flower for me, known for it's beautiful fragrance and edibility. Schantall talked to me about her own yoga practice and her efforts to preserve the Hawaiian culture.  She was deeply present and truly authentic. In retrospect, I was foreshadowing my own failure of presence with people and realized people likely perceived me as inauthentic. Anticipating the start of the Level 1 Program, I finished my exploration enjoying a cup of kava at Bay Front Kava, complete with ritual hand claps and strolled down the block to Puka Puka Kitchen for some dinner.

The following morning, we took a local bus for $1 from Hilo to the Kalani Oceanside Retreat where the website rang true: "Find yourself here". The bus driver promoted a communal environment, verbally encouraging everyone on the bus, including the locals, to talk with one another. Along the way, we met a young, hipster family: Alec, Ariana and their baby, Rabbit. They gave their son a Rainbow Family name as his true name and offered it as a good conversation piece. Upon arrival at the retreat, the staff informed us about "The Point" and encouraged us to get up for at least one early morning sunrise, which by mid-week, became a pre-breakfast component of our pilgrimage.

With Baron's leadership, I became present from day one. That presence allowed me to observe and inquire about my perceptions of myself, specifically the lie I had been telling myself that I was "alone" and "not good enough". This was baggage I had carried my entire life and inevitably brought with me on this trip. I immediately recognized that I had to allow myself to interact with people rather than retreat in my self doubt, which had been the foundation of my inauthenticity for so long.

In my morning meditations, I wept, as thoughts of my son and my failure to truly commit to my manifestation for him came up. Through meditation, I learned to sit with these thoughts, similarly to the way I would hold an uncomfortable yoga pose.  Throughout the week, I excavated all that was holding me back whether I was on the mat, in my meditation, through my interactions in my teaching group, or through my encounters on the resort.

One morning during the second meditation, clarity slowly streamed down into me like lava flowing from a volcano. I pondered over the notion that we are all connected, that we all have similar stories and that we should be who we are without fear.  The meditation discussed "if you take a drop of water out of the ocean is it still the ocean or is it just a drop of water?". The reality is that we are all ONE, regardless of space.  Our experiences, though different, are at their core, the same.  These experiences unite us; they are the drops of water that tie us to the ocean.  We are connected whether we are all at Kalani taking Baron Baptiste's, Level 1 Training in Hawaii or if we are thousands of miles away from each other.

The evening exercises solidified my inquiry to the connection with others and we participated in an event that can only be described as an exorcism of my lie, which pushed me over the edge into clarity. This clearing allowed me to rebuild my foundation and soon after, my yoga practice and my interactions began to expand.  That night while leaving the session, I felt lighter; my presence was sharp and focused. The Big Island sky was perfectly clear except for the abundance of stars that shone as bright as our hearts.  It was a complementing metaphor of the deepening experience we had been through that day.

The following morning, my meditations were powerful and without tears. I made major breakthroughs on my mat including camel to wheel back bends. For years, I had created a story about my back injury but somehow with my new found strength, I had the ability to create these amazing poses. In my yoga training group, I was playful, had fun with my practice teaching, and observed the voices in my head.  By programs end, I thoroughly engaged with a group of yogis that I had been resistant to, spending my last day with them on a hike to Kehena Beach aka Black Beach to baptize ourselves in the Hawaiian waters. This was the beach of our lives.  All of these yogis broke the shackles of their life-long resistance and swam, created poses, laughed and explored the present world around them.  It was true authenticity.

Our group headed back to the resort, shared some local Hilo Homemade Ice Cream available at Kalani and we continued to explore the resort until it was time to depart.  Nature on the resort, such as the Monkey Pod Tree and the free roaming pigs, are a microcosm of the Big Island's spiritual essence. We sat upon the tree's roots and meditated.  For me, it brought clarity and sparked a manifestation for me to fulfill the manifestation of creating this blog which I conceptualized months earlier in the 40 day program.  It also solidified new manifestations of my yoga practice that will keep me "moving forward"or in a state of  i mua (pronounced: ee moon ah) (the Hawaiian word for moving forward).

Our final task of the trip was to complete a letter of gratitude and forgiveness, reading it to the significant someone in our lives.  My letter to my son asked for forgiveness of my domineering ways over his life which I now realize, through the years, was slowly pushing him away from me. My behavior towards my son is a representation of my lie and reflects my efforts to prove something to somebody, anybody, to the point of harming my relationship with my him and to prove that I am good enough.  I realize now that I have nothing to prove; I just am.  Reading my letter to my son allowed me to excavate a large boulder from my life so that I may continue to till the soil in preparation for planting new seeds. Each one of us has made a clearing for more possibilities. We now have the power to hold the space for what is. I mua (ee mooh ah).

Life is short, so get messy!

[messywhiteelephant]

"The instant a fish accepts that they will never have arms, they grow fins." - The Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo

There are instances in our lives when we try hard to be the person we think we are supposed to BE.

Perhaps we are trying to BE something for someone else. To have others accept us. To have others love us. We anticipate that the acceptance or love will come in a particular form. So we imagine that one day others will accept us or love us in the way we envision them doing so. We strive with extraordinary effort to get others to reciprocate to us that which we have given to them.

When we put all this energy out and get nothing in return, we are surprised. We get angry. We take it personal. We demand reciprocity.

What I have come to realize is that we have no right to put all our energy out there in an effort to obtain someones acceptance and love and get upset when we get nothing in return. We cannot get angry or judgmental as to why there was no love in return. We must just accept what is.

For me, the drive to obtain someones love is part of the "lie" that I have been living for years that somehow I am not good enough. Why else would a person continually strive for someone's affection for years without ever getting even a glimmer of affection in return?

At what point do we decide to surrender to the notion that things are the way they are?

How do we come to accept what is?

When we accept that which is, we can let go of the fantasy of what is "supposed" to BE.

"Discernment is a process of letting go of what we are not." - Father Thomas Keating

In one of my current relationships, I have spent an extraordinary amount of energy to show love and support, for which I have received very little in return. I was not expecting some sort of monetary compensation rather I was looking for some emotional connection: a phone call, a kind word, acknowledgement when times were tough for me. Heck, some quasi-semblance of a relationship!

After years of giving, I finally came to the awareness that I had expended all of my effort for this person and received nothing emotionally in return. It took a wise woman who coached me and offered that I set boundaries in this relationship.  So I did. It was then that I came to the realization that my relationship was no where near what I thought it should BE and that I should stop creating the fantasy that if I continue to try, that one day it will BE.

My boundaries were set. I stopped showing up unless asked. I stopped being available at every moment for the sheer possibility that I might be needed.

And then I saw the light.

I realized that the abundance of energy I had put into this relationship was now available for me and for others who were truly present with me. Suddenly I had more space in my life for greatness. I had more time to bring compassion to those who were ready to accept it from me!

Discernment set in.

I accepted myself for who I was and who I was not.

I accepted my relationship for what it was and what it was not.

"And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in full knowledge and all discernment."  - Philippians 1:9

In that moment, I realized that like the fish, I had no legs and I grew fins.

I could not be the person that was loved and accepted in that relationship no more than the fish could grow legs and walk underwater.

I could not be all things for everyone.

All I could BE was me.

All I could do was accept and love myself and those around me, even if they didn't reciprocate that same acceptance and love back to me.

All I can BE is a bright, blooming flower amidst a dark, dreary world, evoking peace.

I cannot judge people for failing to live up to a societal expectation of what is.

All I can do is accept them.

All I can do is love them.

Love who I am.

Love to BE.

Life is short, so get messy!