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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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|Chapter 19| Nobody Gets Me But U

The room was mostly dark with the exception of the city lights spilling in from the blinds. I had woken up about forty minutes ago and found myself in awe at where I was. My eyes roved over Xay’s chest as it rose and fell, accompanied by deep breaths. He was knocked out but I couldn’t resume sleeping. I couldn’t stop watching him because it felt so surreal to be back in his arms. Before I knew it, I was tracing over the tattoos on his sinewy arms that proved their strength earlier, loving the way the pads of my fingers absorbed the warmth from his body. A carnal need was starting to simmer within me. The simple touches weren’t enough for me as I needed to be anchored to this moment before my mind carried me out of it. Moving lower, I let my fingers glide down the plains of his defined abs. He remained sleeping peacefully, still used to my touch as if time never stopped for us. Underneath the sheets, I brushed over the wispy curls under his abdomen. Since my leg had already been across his waist, I slid my body until I was now straddling him.

When my hand wrapped around his semi erect dick, a soft grunt escaped his lips but he remained asleep. It didn’t take long to get him ready as he sleepily moved his hips in tandem with my hand. Rising up, I guided him inside and hissed lowly as he filled me for the fourth time tonight. There was something about being connected to him like this that melted away all of my fears. That let me know he was literally made for me. Destined by whatever higher power or stars that resided above. They had fated this and I no longer wanted to stand in the way of that. No. Instead I aimed to give myself over to it, to him. To submerge myself fully in the experience that was his love.

I began to move back and forth, grinding down onto him. My hands are locked softly onto his forearms as warmth fills me. I don’t know what it is about being connected to him like this that grounds my spirit. That tethers me to the reality that this is us. That we are a tangible thing. Maybe it’s the subtle movement of his hips meeting my thrusts. Maybe it’s the way his eyes flutter open as the pads of his fingers sink into my waist. Maybe it’s how he doesn’t question my need for this, the evidence of our connection. I whimper in bliss as he amplifies my building orgasm with the sinking of his teeth into my collar bone.

“I’m here,” he rasps while peppering my face in kisses. “I’m here.”

I can only moan in response as I move my hands to his corded shoulders to steady myself. We move in tandem, keeping a languid pace. He sits up to rest against the headboard and brings me closer. I lean into him, resting my forehead against his as heat rushes down my spine. I’m not the only one unaffected. Soft grunts escape past his lips while we are washed in the glow of ecstasy. His eyes remain locked on mine, now intent on being in this moment with me to share so it becomes ours.

I capture a kiss, licking into the seams of his mouth and he feeds on my tongue hungrily. His arms wrap around my waist tighter as he increases the pace, no longer able to fight against the explosion that has been building. There is nothing else to keep it as bay as we fall into the feeling head first.

“Baby,” I cry out.

“I know, love. Give me what’s mine.”

As if my body knows who’s really in control, I do. I give him all of me. Completely. Utterly. Finally.

Before I know it, I’m on my back with my legs pressed to my shoulders. His forearms are resting around my neck while his fingers clutch onto my braids. My breath is literally snatched from my chest as he drives into me. He fills me deliciously deep and without reprieve. I’m barely recovered from the last orgasm when I feel the tinges of the next one on the edges of my peripheral.

“Had the nerve to keep this pussy away from me,” he muttered, with a shake of his head. A laugh is shared between us as we lock eyes. “Never again, you hear me? Never again.”

“Never again,” I repeat and he seals our promise with a kiss.

I wrap my arms around his shoulder and hold him close as he ignites another explosion with him following right behind me. He collapses on top of me and I hold him close. Cherishing this moment that had been months in the making.

“Waitttt Wanda is Magneto’s daughter?!” Papi asks, pausing mid dribble to stare at Xavier in disbelief.

Xavier uses the moment to steal the ball from him and make an easy lay up as he says, “Yup. You have a lot to learn young grasshopper. The X-Men are elite.”

There is a chill in the air but neither boy cares as they ditched their respective hoodies and jackets before they even began playing. I’m sitting off to the side on a metal bench, wrapped in the proper fall attire and sipping on tea to help keep warm. Mari was working late so we picked Papi up from school and X promised him one game before dinner and homework. When Papi saw it was us waiting for him in front of the building he damn near sprinted in our direction. I wasn’t the only one who missed having Xavier around. I had underestimated just how close the two had become. It was so beautiful watching them animatedly catch up with each other on the train ride back towards the neighborhood and even now. Papi dramatically groans as Xavier lands another shot.

“I don’t know much about algebra but I do believe that’s game. Come on, it’s cold and I still have to cook,” I yell out so they can hear me.

“I need a redemption game auntie. This is crazy,” Papi said, putting his hands on his hips in disbelief.

I don’t verbally reply. Opting to tilt my head and point in the direction of his stuff instead to which he sucks his teeth.

“Aye man, the deal was one game. If you don’t get that homework done then we can’t watch the first half of the Laker game together like we discussed,” Xavier says which changes Papi’s demeanor instantly.

“You right,” Papi says, jogging to get his belongings.

Xavier walks up to me and plants a kiss on my forehead. “You’re freezing.”

“Told you,” I said, as he chuckled and held out his hand for me to pull myself up with.

“I’ll warm you up later,” he whispers lowly, kissing my cheek.

Heat rushes through me now at the smirk he sends me. I’m about to reply when Papi, while waiting by the entrance to the court shouts, “Could y’all not?!”

“We aren’t doing anything!” I replied.

“And we’re keeping it that way Auntie. Not too much, Xavier,” Papi says with a pointed gaze, before turning on his heels so that he could start walking.

Xavier laughs as he scoops up his belongings as well. “I can’t show my lady some affection?”

“Sure, just not in my direct line of vision. Now if you two could pick up the pace that would be great. I have homework, remember?” Papi says on the other side of the fence.

“This kid,” I mutter as Xavier throws his arm around my shoulders.

For the rest of the walk we keep things PG but once Papi goes across the hall to shower before coming back to my place, we are unable to help ourselves to a quickie. We’re like teenagers with the way we’ve gone at it recently. Like sex was shiny and new and in some ways it was. I had never felt so fully seen or been as sated as I am in Xavier’s care. Being loved wholly was a feeling I never wanted to go without again.

When we parted, I went off to make a quick dinner of roasted chicken, green beans, and mashed potatoes. Xavier turned into a science teacher while assisting Papi with his living environment assignment. By the time they finished, the food was ready, and we were eating while Lebron showed everyone why he was the G.O.A.T. Papi ended up falling asleep during half time so we left him sleeping on the couch while we tidied up the kitchen and then retired to my room.

An episode of Loki is playing on my TV but we aren’t watching it. Our gazes are locked on one another. Like if one of us dares to look away the other would vanish. It’s weird but also comforting.

“Say something,” I whisper.

He cracks a smile while saying, “I missed this.”

“Me too.”

“C’mere,” he says, placing his hands around my waist to pull me into his chest. He inhales and then exhales deeply. “Yeah, see this is what I needed after a trying day.”

I snuggled into him while asking, “What made it trying?”

“Moms called,” he sighs, underneath I can feel his body tense. The problems with his family had come to a tense stalemate. Leaving him on the outside of everything, including what was going on with his grandfather’s care. I squeeze him tighter and throw my leg around his waist for good measure. So many times he has been my strength and I’m finally able to return the favor. He places a kiss on top of my head. A silent thank you. “I’m finally going to talk to my dad this weekend.”

“Are you ready to?” I asked, tipping my head back so that I could meet his gaze.

“Honestly? No but I realized with my hurt feelings I might never be. I am ready to move past it. I want to know if we’ll actually work towards fixing our relationship or if I have to mourn it and treat him cordially from now on,” he said.

The longing in his voice is palpable. I can tell how much he wants it to be the former outcome. How much he needs it to be.

“I hope that he is able to see how much his attitude towards you has affected you and owns up to it,” I said.

“Me too but I don’t have any expectations. That’s how I set myself up for disappointment. Think I’m going to go in with clear eyes and a full heart, that way I won’t lose because I’ll have went in with the best intentions,” he said.

Leaning in, I press a soft kiss to his lips. His compassion is unmatched and I respect how much of it he has to give even to those who have wronged him. “That’s why I love you, you always put your best foot forward.”

“Say that again,” he said, kissing me back.

“What part?” I giggled as he moved to kiss my cheek.

“The you love me part,” he answered, kissing my nose.

“I love you,” I repeated with a smile, lifting a hand to caress the side of his face. “I love your silly ass so much it hurts and I’m so glad you’re mine.”

“The feeling is mutual, baby. I love you more,” he says, kissing me a few more times.

“I have my fingers crossed that things will go well but if they don’t, I’ll be here to help you make sense of it or simply just be by your side. Either way, I got you,” I said earnestly.

“I’ll be counting on it. Saying goodbye might be harder than I expect so thank you,” he said, nuzzling his nose against mine. He pecks my lips a few more times and we fall into a comfortable silence. Still not paying any mind to the show, only each other. The best part of being together is that we don’t always need words between us. The automatic understanding is similar to the invisible field force between magnetics. Always drawn to connection.

A yawn escapes his lips after a few minutes goes by and I watch as he rubs his eyes adorably before settling his hands around my waist. He puts up a good fight but his lashes flutter close soon after, emotional exhaustion having taken its toll. I rub his chest soothingly until his breathing slows and deepens. While sleep taps on my shoulder I know I could do this every night for the rest of my life. Know that I want to do this every night for the rest of my life. Being with Xavier is as innate as breathing. It comes easy and without a fight. Before him, I thought love like this wasn’t made for girls like me. Now I’ve been shown that girls like me need this kind of love. A love that runs so deep it feels like swimming in the ocean, never out of depths to reach.

#metamorphasisff #zendaya x mjb #black romance #its been a long time since I left you #word to Timberland #I's sorry but I hope this is worth the wait <3

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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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Yes ma’am!!

|Chapter 18 | Find Your Way Back

This past week had been relatively stress free after committing to the homework Dr. Mitchell doled out in our session. Outside of work I didn’t do anything that I did not have to do which meant I took time off from the gym and a break from helping out with Granddad. I needed a full break away from everyone. It wasn’t until this assignment that I realized that I was always on go, always running around, or exerting energy in some form. I had forgotten what it was like to be still and pour into myself. In this moment of stillness I found that what I really needed was to grieve. I needed to grieve Sabrina, who Grandad was, and who I used to be. I needed to grieve so that I could make space for the person I am now.

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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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Yes Xavier has been making strides! It definitely has to be on his time and Pops will just have to understand.

They are 🥹 Lmaoo right?! Had him out here down bad. They both needed the reassurance and now that they got it, the sky is truly the limit!

|Chapter 18 | Find Your Way Back

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#thank you frennn 🧡#there will be more reconciliation to come 🥰

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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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It’s up boo!

Y'all want a new chapter tonight? 👀

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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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|Chapter 18 | Find Your Way Back

My eyes travel back to my phone for the umpteenth time in the last twelve hours. I know Mila read my text because she hearted it but I have yet to receive a written or verbal response from her. The heart was a good sign yet it wasn’t enough. I needed more because I missed the hell out of her. Did she miss me the same way? Right as I was about to pick up the device again to craft another message, the sound of my door opening followed by footsteps, caused me to stand up. It didn’t take long to see who was barging into my apartment unannounced.

“We let you have your lil Eat, Pray, Love moment but enough. We are going to watch this game and eat some wings,” Aiden said, as he sauntered past the entryway armed with bags. Rah trailed behind him holding a case of beer.

“Bro, that key is for emergencies,” I said, shaking my head at them.

“It is an emergency. When was the last time you took a shower?” Aiden shouted over his shoulder, as he continued making his way towards the kitchen.

Okay, he had me there. I hadn’t actually left my apartment in the past three days and depression has a way of making you break routine. A quick lift of my arms, let me know that I needed to fix that immediately.

“Aight, it’s been awhile but I’ma get on it. Use coasters please,” I said, as I began walking towards the bathroom.

“You might want to tighten up that hairline while you at it,” Rah said, making a clipper motion with his hands.

“Fuck y’all,” I chuckled.

“And hurry up funky, we hungry!” Aiden yelled, over the sound of clattering plates and my drawers being yanked open with more force than necessary. I shook my head as I proceeded to the bathroom deciding not to prolong the journey by responding to him.

It takes me about forty minutes to shape up my hairline and then shower. When I saunter back into the living room it’s to a round of applause.

“Aye man, fuck y’all,” I chuckle, as I reach for a wing.

They had made use of one of the big bowls my mother insisted I would need one day and poured all of the wings into them. Beside that bowl was a plate full of fries and another of onion rings. There was also a box of pizza that Rah was currently inhaling half of.

“What y’all niggas been up to besides breaking and entering?” I ask, as I sit down on the other end of the couch.

“Nothing but the usual. This nigga need help with a proposal to Keisha but I told him that’s your lane,” Aiden said, eyes trained on the game on the TV like he didn’t just announce something important.

“Oh shit, you ready to propose? It’s about time,” I said, looking over at Rah.

“Yeah man I know, I’ve been ready but now it feels like we’re both on the same page,” Rah says with a small smile.

“I’m happy for you bro. She’s definitely going to say yes,” I said.

“Duh, they've been together forever,” Aiden tosses in.

We both give him a side eye that he doesn’t see because his glance hasn’t left the game and won’t. Shaking my head I continue, “Aight, let me hear your ideas so I can tell you if they’re good or not.”

For the next hour we bounce ideas back and forth until we get the best proposal plan that encompasses both Rah and Keisha as a couple. In a month’s time, he will be popping the big question and I couldn’t be more happy for them. Once that’s squared away, Aiden insists that we head out to a few bars to celebrate the fact that the Nets won. However, I’m not ready to be out and about just yet so I send them on their way after they make me swear to show up to the gym this week.

The moment I think I am about to get some peace after the guys leave, my phone starts to ring. I instantly reach for it hoping it’s Mila but when I see who it actually is, I freeze for a moment. The name ‘Pops’ flashes across my screen with a picture of us from my college graduation. It was a day neither of us thought I would see so we were especially happy to celebrate the occasion together. It rings out three more times but instead of answering, I watch it go to voicemail. He might be ready to talk but I’m not. Tossing my phone to the side, I’m on my way to the kitchen to get a drink when there’s a knock on the door. I swing it open without looking because I assume the boys forgot something but I’m in shock when I see who it is.

With her hair freshly braided and dressed in a cream sweater dress, Mila stands before me shyly. My eyes trace over her frame, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her in person that I instantly want to take in what’s been missed. It seems she is doing the same because when our eyes meet once more, a blush takes over her cheeks.

“Hi,” she says softly.

“Hi,” I replied.

“May I come in?” she asks.

“Of course, my bad, come, come,” I said, moving back so that she could enter the apartment. I have never been more thankful for the boy's intrusion like I am now because if she decided to pop up a few hours ago I would have been looking rough. I follow behind her until we’re both standing toe to toe in the living room. We resume eyeing each other again. There are oceans of words between us but none of them compare to the three that have been swirling in my mind nonstop since opening the door. She opens her mouth to speak but I beat her to it. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too. More than you know.”

That’s all we both need to hear before enveloping each other in a hug. I wrap my arms around her waist tightly and she squeezes my shoulders to bring me closer. It takes everything in me not to hoist her into my arms. As badly as I want to, I know there are things that need to be said before we fall back into each other. She nuzzles her face in my chest and inhales deeply. I rub her back slowly as she gathers her thoughts. After a few moments she says, “I’m sorry to pop up but I feel like I owed you an in person apology. I took my past out on you and that was so unfair.”

“Mila I’m s-

“No, let me finish,” she said, tipping her head back so that our eyes could meet. Her brown eyes were already glazed over with tears begging to spring free. “I have not had the easiest life and because of that it’s so hard for me to trust people. Like unbelievably fucking hard. Then you came along and made me question everything I thought I knew. You gave me the ability to open up and I have never felt so seen. I have never felt so free.”

The tears that she had been holding back crash down onto her cheeks but instead of hiding her face like usual she bares them for me to see. “What Trevor did to me…made me feel like the woman I was before you. Scared and angry. Beyond angry and when I saw you, in a way I was mad that without you around I couldn’t be free. That wasn’t right to put on you and it took me some time and therapy,” she said with a sly grin causing us to both chuckle. It was only a few months ago that she had been adamant about not talking to anyone. The strides she has taken in our weeks apart makes me so proud.“...to realize that I can’t rest my freedom or happiness on your shoulders. I have to own that for myself or else I’m always going to be left to pick up the pieces”.

Leaning down, I press my lips softly against hers, no longer able to resist the urge. “Thank you,” I say against her lips. “While that is true, I need you to know that I am here for you, to support your happiness and aid in it. To protect you. To cherish you. To love you because I do love you and I’m in love with you Jamila Cortez.”

“I’m in love with you-

I swallow the rest of her confession with my tongue. The last of my restraint has vanished with those five words. She mewls as I finally give into my other urge and hoist her into my arms. Her hands raise from my shoulders to cup my face as I continue to devour her lips. As we kiss, I can feel the color slip back into my life. That’s how vibrant she is, how potent. We end up against the wall, breathing heavy as my lips move from her lips to the hollows of her throat. She smells of jasmine and promise, I sink my teeth in and am rewarded with a guttural moan. The kind that can only be elicited when two people know without a shadow of a doubt that their kindred spirit is present.

We become an endeavor of sloppy movements fueled by an urgency to reunite as one. Her hands are fumbling with my sweats as I bunch her dress up to her waist. The thong she wears is easily ripped from her frame with one strong pull. The act causes her to push her hips against mine in excitement. Holding her tightly with my left arm, I use my right hand to slip myself against her folds.

“Damn,” I curse, feeling how wet she is for me already.

As if she can read my mind she says, “She missed you too.”

I lean in and nip at her bottom lip as I guide myself inside, stretching her walls. She cries out softly as I’m welcomed back to my favorite place. Digging her heels into my lower back, Mila uses the leverage to drop onto me fully, causing us both to moan out.

“Hold on,” I instruct as I grip both of her hips.

I wait until she interlocks her arms around my shoulders but once she does? I began to plummet into her warmth with abandon. My concentration is solely on the way our bodies work in tandem, each time I pull back, I’m covered in more and more of Mila. When I glance up, I catch Mila’s focused stare as she watches the way I disappear and reappear inside of her. Each time snatching more of her breath than the last. Feeling my stare, she drags me closer for a kiss. Her tongue flicks against mine until I capture and suck it slowly.

“Xayyy,” she cries, tearing her mouth from mine. Her back is flush against the wall as I alternate my strokes from deep plunges to a slow grind against her spot.

“What’s up baby? Talk to me,” I said, speaking directly in her ear before licking the outer shell. “What do you want me to do?”

“There, there, there. Stay there,” she panted, tightening her grip against me.

“Right here?” I said, grinding deeper towards the left.

“Yes! Yes!” she said, flinging her head back so it lands on the wall with a soft thud. Her hips are winding, meeting my thrusts eagerly. We are in this together.

“You really luh me?” I questioned teasingly, placing a kiss on her damp collarbone.

“I do,” she said, nodding her head fervently. “So fucking much.”

“You gon’ cum for me then?” I asked.

“If you listen and don’t move,” she whines, causing me to chuckle.

Placing my lips against hers, I said, “I got you baby. I got you.”

Slipping a hand between us, I rub my fingers across her clit in circular motions causing her hips to freeze as she succumbs to the pleasure. “Nuh uh, no one told you to stop. Keep going,” I said.

“That’s too much,” she breathed out, tears aligning her eyes again. This time from pleasure as she tries to rise up to alleviate the pressure she was chasing only moments before. I yank her back down not allowing the escape.

“You got this,” I said, stealing another kiss. “Fuck me back like a good girl.”

Licking her lips, she nods her head, my words successfully triggering her hips to continue meeting my strokes. Though they initially held steady in pace, the more I played with her clit, the more frantic Mila’s movements became. Her walls were starting to pulse against me and I knew it was only a matter of time before we were both on our way to bliss.

All that could be heard between us was heavy breathing and the sound of our skin slapping against one another. Catching her gaze again, I saw the vulnerability she used to try to hide. At this moment it’s all there for me to see and I have never been more appreciative. Leaning in, I rest my forehead on hers as our lips meet for another kiss. It’s as frantic as our lower bodies as the power of our connection drives us forward. We’re moaning together as we crash out at the same time. This orgasm steals our breaths as we slink to the floor entangled. From this day forward I knew we would always have each other. When I looked at Mila, it was like seeing my heartbeat outside of my chest.

Breathing hard against one another, we exchange soft kisses, and gentle touches as we come down from the intensity of our orgasms. She’s placing kisses on my chest while I play with her hair when I say, “Please don’t shut me out again. I know every day won’t be easy but I promise not to make it harder. I promise to have your back as long as you let me. I promise to choose you everyday.”

Raising her head up, she meets my eyes and I see the remorse in her gaze but it’s unnecessary because she was forgiven weeks ago. “I promise too. I promise to be better and to communicate instead of running away. I promise to choose you too.”

Lifting my index finger, I silently beckon her to come closer which she does by slinking her body up my torso. When she is close enough, I grab her throat and pull her towards my face. At the same time her hand finds my length. We sink into each other at the same time. Our promises are sealed.

#metamorphasisff #black romance #Black Fiction

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metamorphosisff · 1 year ago

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Y'all want a new chapter tonight? 👀

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metamorphosisff · 2 years ago

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Hi, Hello.

Heyyy frens!

I'm byke! I know it's been a minute but life has slowed down and I'm ready to start writing on here again. Metamorphosis will be finished as there are only three chapters left (and I plan to drop them all at the same time so pls be a little more patient with me). I thought it would be fun to get into spooky szn a bit, so I present to you The Ritual!

Enjoy!

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metamorphosisff · 2 years ago

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Update:

Heyyyy y'all I know it's been a minute! I've been outside enjoying summer these last few weeks but I will back 💖

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metamorphosisff · 2 years ago

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Lmfaoo fren this gif is perfect! They really did rally around Mila in her time of need and sometimes a good conversation will set you right. You can’t sit in your own thoughts forever.

Listen feelings can be blinding but our girl is learning how to regulate them and realize not everyone is the enemy. Yesss it’s long over due but the kids are gonna be alright 🧡

|Chapter 17| Spread Your Wings

The dark cloud that had been hovering over me had started to dissipate last week around the same time I met with a therapist for the first time. My reaction to Trevor tearing my apartment to shreds did not stop at pulling away from Xavier. The week after I barely went outside out of work and spent hours in bed crying. Crying because one man’s entitlement had upended so much, most importantly the illusion that I was keeping it together. Mari was not having that though and after exactly seven days after that she stormed into my apartment to shake me out of it. That day we went shopping all over downtown Brooklyn to get new things for the living room. We were even able to find small vials for the remaining ashes of my grandmother I managed to save. It was what I needed to start feeling human but I went through the motions the following week. It wasn’t until Jazz dragged us to some off Broadway play that I slowly realized I owed it to myself to get help. So I started therapy because a wise man once told me talking about my problems might make them easier to get through.

Sweeping a glance over my apartment as I got my purse together, my mind projects Xavier standing before me with those eyes glossed over in as much pain as I was in. Taking a deep breath, I shake away the memory. I prayed he was doing okay because for the moment it felt safer to keep my distance. I had put too much onto him which was not fair. He had his own problems to contend with and expecting him to add mine into the mix wasn’t sensible. That did not mean his absence wasn’t felt though because a day had yet to go by without me thinking of him.

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metamorphosisff · 2 years ago

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Lmaoo i’m screaming 😂 Mila is getting herself together slowly but surely fren!

|Chapter 17| Spread Your Wings

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metamorphosisff · 2 years ago

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|Chapter 17| Spread Your Wings

The sound of my phone ringing with an incoming Facetime made me roll my eyes. I was trying to head out and get some food but that would have to wait because it was Lonso who was calling. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks so there was no way I could miss his call without him going off on a tangent in our text thread.

“Hey,” I greeted, once his bronze face filled the screen. His curls were shorn close to the scalp in the way military men often sported their hair. He was dressed in uniform and sitting in a nondescript office with a pair of slate gray AirPod Maxes over his ears. “What’s up?”

“Nothing, I was just thinking about you and decided to call. I am surprised you answered though since you seem to specialize in dodging me,” he said, with a pointed stare.

“Don’t make me regret doing so by being an ass,” I said, with a roll of my eyes which he chuckles at.

“I’m fucking with you, partly. I worry about you and it doesn’t always show in the best of ways,” he said.

“That’s putting it modestly. You are overbearing at best and a pain in the ass at least. There is never any in between with you. I can’t handle that,” I said, finally coming clean about why I avoided conversations with him. Well, one of the reasons. The main reason.

“Cause you be hiding shit when I can help you. Like why Mari had to tell me about what that nigga did?” Lonso asked, folding his hands in front of him. His frustration was slow to start, opposite of mine which was explosive but I can tell he was trying to remain calm so we could have a full conversation. “Like what the fuck Jamila? You know I would have found a way to come up here.”

“And do what? He’s locked up and not coming out for a long ass time. I handled it,” I said, raking my hand over tangled curls. My hair hadn’t been a priority lately but it needed to become one. I made a mental note to take care of it while Lonzo shook his head at me.

“Be there! I could have helped you clean up and replace stuff. What happened was scary as fuck and to hear about it from someone else days later hurt. I can’t lie,” Lonzo said.

“I’m not trying to hurt you on purpose. I’m just used to doing things by myself and asking for help is hard because I don’t like being let down,” I said.

There had been so many times when I was a teenager that I asked for help and people always feel short or never fully followed through. After a few times I realized the only person I could count on in this world was me. Life became easier once I accepted that I had to make sure I was okay at the end of the day. While I did have some help from Mari, I tried not to lean on her too much because raising Papi was a lot. With her I was decisive about what I decided to let her in on as not to worry her. It never even crossed my mind to tell Lonzo about what happened because he wasn’t in my daily orbit. He had been reduced to unanswered calls and texts I’d sometimes reply to depending on my mood.

Nodding his head, he said, “I get that but I haven’t let you down. Anything I ever said I was going to do, I did even when I was broke.”

That was true especially when I was in college and struggling to feed myself after paying rent. Lonzo found a way to send me a hundred dollars every two weeks until I got a better job. Almost a whole year he did that. When I got the flu bad one year he came up from Virginia to take care of me because Mari, having a toddler at the time, couldn't. However it was during that time that he decided he had to hover over every decision I made.

“Our parents made some terrible decisions that affected us differently and I hate that you got the shorter end of the stick. The one thing they did right was us though. I don’t want us to keep on the way we are, sniping at each other because we used to be close. If you died with our relationship being like it is…,” he stopped to take a deep breath. Lonso wasn’t an emotional person so to see his eyes redden caused mine to as well.

He looked away from the screen for a second but I caught the way his bottom lip trembled and immediately I felt bad.

“I thought about that too,” I said, taking a shaky breath. “I don’t want to fight with you Lonso, I swear I don’t but I need you to be my brother, not my de facto parental figure. I’m grown now and yes sometimes I struggle but I always find my way.”

“You do and I’m not taking that from you but there’s no harm in letting other people walk beside you. I worry about you, I haven’t stopped worrying about you since the day we left,” Lonso said.

That had been a shitty day because Ms. Lena didn’t let anyone know the day of the move. Later she explained that she didn’t want to be talked out of her decision or be further manipulated by my parents. When I got older, I somewhat understood where she was coming from but that didn’t take away from how cruel the act was. Our father had to physically rip Lonzo from me because even at fourteen he knew what leaving would mean.

“I’ve been hearing that a lot lately. Guess that means I should listen huh?” I said, causing him to smirk.

“That’s exactly what that shit means,” he cracked.

“I’m going to do better,” I said, drumming my fingers on the counter top.

“Me too MiMi, me too.”

Hearing my childhood nickname doesn’t make me cringe like it normally does when he uses it. For the first time in a long time, we smile at each other.

It’s late at night and try as I might, I can not fall asleep which isn’t a surprise. Insomnia had been a dear friend ever since the tornado known as Trevor ripped through my apartment. He took away my ability to feel safe in the home I grew up in and I would hate him forever for that. Having enough tossing and turning, I get up and slide on some sweatpants. Grabbing my keys and phone, I head across the hall to let myself into Mari’s apartment. The light in the living room is on but everything else is off leaving the apartment quiet with the exception of humming appliances. Out of habit, I pad my way down the hallway and stop at the first door on the left. Slowly I turn the knob and find Papi with a sheet over his and a glow coming from a screen alongside the sounds of a video game. Flipping on the light, I watch amused as he quickly pokes his head out.

“Auntie?” he questions, eyes blinking to adjust to the light. He takes one look at me and knows something is off but like the intuitive kid he is, doesn’t press me. Instead he lifts his Switch in the air. “You tryna play?”

“Hell yeah,” I said, walking over to sit beside him.

“If I win, can I stay up for at least another hour?” he asks, knowing I’m about to tell him this is his last round of whatever he’s playing.

“Yes but if I win, it’s light out. It’s already going on eleven and your mom will kill us both if you're still up when she gets home,” I said.

“True,” he said, as he passed me a controller. Propping up the Switch, I see we’re playing Mario Kart. “I couldn’t sleep though.”

“Me either. Anything in particular on your mind?” I ask, as he starts the round.

“Yeah I was thinking about how our building needs better security. Like if our door downstairs actually locked how it was supposed to that nig- I mean that bum wouldn’t have been able to do what he did,” Papi said.

“Maybe,” I said, trying to figure out how to approach this conversation with him. “But I don’t want you worrying about that okay?”

“I can’t help it. That was messed up and I hope your boyfriend beats his ass,” Papi said.

I tear my eyes away from the screen just in time to see the serious expression etched across his features. His eyebrows are sunken as his lips twist to the side.

“Xavier is not my boyfriend and stop cursing,” I said.

“Yes he is, he takes you out and makes you happy. He also buys me stuff by the way. Can you tell him I’d like some more X-Men stuff?” he asked.

“I’ll see what I can do Papi but I make no promises,” I said.

“I’ll take that,” Papi says, causing me to chuckle.

We end up going for best out of three when he wins the first but in the end I let him have his extra hour. With one last warning for him to keep his eye on the clock because I will deny agreeing to let him stay up if caught, I leave him to his lonesome and go into the living room.

As I snuggle into the couch to wait for Mari to come home, my phone vibrates against my thigh where it is resting. Seeing Xavier’s name on the screen on the text notification sends my heart racing against my chest. Papi spoke him up and he must have heard it from wherever he was. My hands grow sweaty as I unlock my phone to read the message.

Hey, I know you still taking your time but I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you. I especially miss you talking during our Marvel marathon. I think I miss your snoring too (not the sound but knowing you're that close). Nothing and I mean nothing, will ever change that baby. I’m here. Take your time.

Hot tears splash onto the screen by the time I have reread the message for the tenth time. A weight is removed slightly from my shoulders but there is no real reprieve. I want so badly to call him but I toss my phone to the side. I’m not ready to talk to him but I should be.

The scent of Jam fills the air as Mari takes a rat tail comb and makes another part in the back of my head. After waking up and sending Papi outside to play, we decided today would help each other with our hair. I had touched up the bleach on her roots once we finished eating breakfast and now she was returning the favor. I turned my phone over and over in my hands contemplating what I was going to say to Xavier. Contemplating if I was ready to say something at all. I had resolved that he should hear from me last night and thought sleeping on it would help me get there. All I’ve managed to do is lament on the fact that in a dark moment I pushed him away instead of embracing the lifeline he was tossing me. I did not have to face the aftermath of Trevor’s destructive behavior alone but I chose to because cleaning up other people’s messes alone was second nature to me. I did not want to have an audience but that’s not what he was offering. He was offering a helping hand and it took me longer than it should have to realize that.

“I miss him,” I sighed, raking my hand over the few finished braids Mari had placed over my shoulder.

“So call him,” Mari said, as that was the simplest thing ever after the month of silence between us. The text he sent last night still has my heart racing and made me realize how much I miss his presence in my life. “And before you start, no, it’s really not that hard.”

I open my mouth to respond but my phone ringing in my hands steals my attention. A picture of Jazz and I fills the screen with an incoming Facetime call. I hit the green button to accept it and in seconds, she’s filling the screen with a full beat face and a slicked back black ponytail.

“You called right on time Jazz, your daughter is in here tripping,” Mari says, peeking from behind me.

Jazz cackles while I shoot Mari a side eye which she ignores with a mush of my head and a command to keep my head down. I adjust how I’m holding the phone, lowering it further into my lap so that Jazz can see my face and Mari can braid comfortably.

“Gon’ head and tell me what’s going on Birdie. I see it all over your face,” Jazz said, adjusting her AirPod. I can tell she’s on break at the center she works at because this is when she usually calls me to check in or to confirm any upcoming plans.

“Xavier texted me last night and it made me realize that I miss him…a lot actually,” I sighed.

“I’m not hearing the problem. Not only has Mr. Clipboard been respecting the space you asked for but he didn’t take it as a dismissal. He probably reaffirmed that he loved you, right?” Jazz asked.

I nodded my head and am reminded by Mari, gently putting it at the right angle to keep still. “He did but-

“But what?” Mari sighed exasperatedly behind me. “You love that nigga real bad.”

“And do,” Jazz chimed in, causing them to laugh.

“But,” I said, over them, “I blinked and a month went by y’all. There are things broken in me that I thought I could ignore but I can’t and I don’t know if time will ever fix it. He doesn’t deserve the mess that I am.”

“Now that ain’t never been a kept secret baby girl and Xavier has always known that you have some baggage. I’m sure he has his own because we all have our shit Birdie but that’s a lazy excuse to push him away. It sounds like you have let your fear get comfortable in the driver's seat,” Jazz said, instantly calling me to task.

She has a keen sense of knowing when I’m stepping around an answer. Where Mari has gotten used to waiting me out, Jazz has no patience for it.

“I’m afraid that one day he’s going to decide that he can’t handle me or my shit. Like he’ll realize maybe I’m not worth the trouble after all and I know how fucked up that sounds. My therapist says it’s easy to talk ourselves out of a good thing but I don’t know. It keeps me up at night because I have never been loved like he loves me and we have only scratched the surface of what we could be,” I said.

“Your therapist is right. Love is a risk, being vulnerable and open is a risk, not loving at all is a risk. Everything in life comes with a risk even the choice to do nothing is a risk because you might miss out on your person or an opportunity. Ultimately you have to decide what outcome you can live with,” Jazz said.

“Right, and missing out on Xavier will be one of the dumbest things you have ever done and I’ve watched you shave your eyebrows off,” Mari added.

“Regardless of how much he loves you, you have to love yourself and believe you are worthy because your worthiness is eternal. It shows in your attitude, in your walk, in your eyes. Some days will be harder than others to do so but you have to,” Jazz said.

“Sure do and Mila, babe putting Xavier to the side for a moment, you have been more mindful lately. Less snappy and more patient. That little orange vest stint put some things in perspective for you and he came along while you were already in motion,” Mari said.

“I’m trying but I feel like that shit with Trevor’s dumb ass set me back because bad things keep happening and I realize I never had a break. There is always something and I want there to be peace so bad. In order for me to be at peace I have to heal but my healing is always interrupted and that makes me want to give up. Why is maintaining change so fucking hard?” I sighed, feeling tears align the bottom of my eyes.

I was sick and tired of crying. Ever since that night I do it easily and it leaves me feeling like a constant torrential downpour. The dam I put up in my teen years had eroded and there was no longer anything between me and my feelings. Though I’m exhausted from crying these last few weeks I let these tears fall too because they feel different. They aren’t sad, they are cleansing.

“Because change is scary but remaining the same keeps you stagnant and you can’t grow that way Birdie. Actually, that’s the quickest way to die. You deserve to live not just survive but live and you are well on your own way. This really is the time to push past against all your fear and hesitation. You’ll be better for it in the long run,” Jazz said.

Not just live but survive.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded my head because Jazz was right. I was taking the steps to better my life by going to job interviews, working on my attitude, trying to fix my relationship with my brother and getting my therapist. I deserved the happiness I got from and with Xavier to balance out all of the rest.

“Y’all are right,” I breathed out. “I just get stuck in my head sometimes and that inner voice is a bitch to drown out.”

“That’s why we’re here. To be loud as hell and tell you to chill the hell out and go get your man,” Mari said, placing a kiss to the top of my head.

“Period. Take life by the reins Birdie and I’ll see y’all for brunch this weekend. Can’t wait to hear how it goes. Toodles,” Jazz says with a quick wave as someone enters her office calling her name. She makes an annoyed expression before slapping on a quick smile which we laugh at as we wave back. Shortly the call disconnects and I lock my phone back.

“I love how she makes plans and just expects us to show up, any other plans or obligations be damned,” Mari giggles as she finishes another braid.

“I’ve learned to embrace it. Her plans have been a bright spot this past month,” I sniffle, as I wipe the last of my tears from my cheeks.

“Agreed, be giving me something to do other than work and cart Papi around,” Mari says, as she makes a new part. “But back to you real quick. Text him back right now. You have had your space but he deserves for his effort to be met with some of your own.”

I nod my head and unlock my phone. “Never thought I’d see the day you would be on a man's side.”

“He’s not just any man, he is the man that returned your real smile. So unless he does something extremely out of pocket, I fuck with him,” Mari said.

Her approval means the world to me because Mari is the only family I see every day. Without her I would be adrift and I haven’t always brought the best people around. Xavier passed both her and Papi’s test without even having to try hard because he’s a genuinely good person. Opening up our text thread I try to type out a message but nothing feels adequate enough.

“What time do you think you’ll be done with my hair?” I asked.

“In like maybe two hours and no, you cannot wait until after I’m done to text him because that defeats the purpose of me saying ‘right now’ girl,” Mari said.

“That’s not why I’m asking. What I need to say, shouldn’t be done through text. I’m going to go see him,” I said, turning around to look at her.

Throwing her hands up in the air, Mari shouts, “Hallelujah! She has awakened with the spirit of common sense.”

“Not too much on me!”

#metamorphosisff #Black Fiction #black romance

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