mfwilliams502

[mfwilliams502]

I’m gonna learn it...

[mfwilliams502]

[mfwilliams502]

My IMPOSSIBLE list

My wife shared this site with me: https://impossiblehq.com/impossible-list/. 

“The impossible list™ is NOT a bucket list. Not too long ago, I used to settle for the possible things in life. The sure thing. It was “realistic”, “safe” and boring as hell. I decided I needed a challenge.The impossible list is that challenge. This list of impossible things contains all the things I ever thought I couldn’t do because it was “impossible.” The sort of things that I assumed the cool guys on TV only ever got to do. The things I never thought that I would be able to do.”

- Joel Runyon

I left the site motivated, inspired and scared to death! So, here’s my list...

[mfwilliams502]

WRITING PROMPT #58

Write the apology you never got, yet wished for.

SUBMIT HERE

[mfwilliams502]

Yes, I’m an old lady with a pill counter tracker.

Hormone replacement therapy meds are necessary bc my TS prevents my body from producing natural, feminine hormones on its own. Estradiol: (0.5mg, thin white pill on left) for bone health, heart health and hormone balancing. This dose just went up from 0.25 this week). Progesterone (200mg, fat white pill on right): This is literally the hormone that helps you have a period/menstrual cycle.

Vitamins: (all for bone health. I have Osteopenia, which is basically the step bellow getting Osteoporosis. I have gradual bone thinning my Endocrinologist is trying to help reverse. D3 (2000IU, small, round pill) Calcium 600mg w/ D3 (large pink pill)

Fish oil (largest pill at top): I take this for my heart health. I have very minimal thickening around my heart. This isn’t serious right now, but I need to work on my weight and be checked for potential sleep apnea.

[mfwilliams502]

She touched my boobs...

I learned I was going on HRT in December of 2014. I’d be on a minimal dose of estrogen until I had reached full breast development. Basically, a natural boob job (because my sister never came through with the less-natural one she suggested I get as a college graduation present). Each visit, my endocrinologist does an examination. She gives me an awkward complement like “oh! I’m seeing some significant growth here!” Why does she always have to touch them with her cold hands? She always says something like “Oh, I’m sorry. My hands are cold!” Then she touches me right on the (very sensitive) nipple with what feels like that bag of peas that’s been in my freezer since I moved in. She doesn’t even TRY to warm them up. She just gives me that apologetic shoulder shrug and starts pressing haphazardly at my chest. And then it’s over, and she says she is “definitely noticing some breast development.” Last time she told me I should be taking pictures of said development. How am I going to explain that to anyone picking up my phone? Do I show her during my visit? I’ve sent less attractive women a shot of the goods, so I did try to take one. I got so embarrassed I deleted it from its hidden album named “Medical Research” The thing is… I’ve never had boobs. I was okay with that. Now, here they are… Slowly developing their way toward my face when I look down at my phone. Slowly developing their way of of sports bras I’m used to. I’ve honestly been shocked by what’s been going on in the mirror! I have noticed change, but no one but my lady has said anything to me about it…

Today, the Endo upped my dose to 0.05. That means more sensitivity and growth Im supposed to keep track of. I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, anyone have any advice on taking nudes?

[mfwilliams502]

I happen to know this blogger. She's a close friend of mine, so I got the 411 on who the culprit is. I don't know him well, so I can't say whether they are insecure (although it sure sounds like it!). This does prove to me that body image issues aren't going away. We've got a lot of work to do to change the negative dialog about thicker bodies. I'm not saying men don't have their own body issues. Even thin men like him. He's also seen unrealistic body images of men to live up to in magazines and on television. However, men aren't socialized to hate their bodies for the way it is naturally (thin, fat, tall, short, scrawny, buff). He may have woke up this morning needing to feel a little validation or sense of self worth. The way to do that is NOT to drag someone down with you. That makes you feel good for a maybe second. Then guilt kicks in about the hurtful thing you said, or the LOL you just made wears off. There are other ways to validate yourself.

Fat People Cant Wear Belly Shirts

While I am in the midst of my first attempt to set and obtain a healthy goal for myself (I’m quitting the nasty habit of smoking ie: see previous post) a person who is close to me wrote a comment of Facebook that rubbed me the wrong way. This person did not mean to hurt me or make me sad, but the comment caused some tension between us that I am not sure can be resolved just because he apologized and was more or less ignorant that his comments hurt someone close to him.

I was working and doing my daily peruse around the Facebook universe when I came across lots of cat pictures (I love cat pictures… seriously the world can never have enough cat pictures), I saw babies (I mean sooooooo many babies! Baby laughs… my heart melts every time), people acting happy (screw you happy people… I am just going to sit over here watching my Netflix and hugging my boyfriend the Dorito bag…) 

Then I came across THE comment. This comment would be what I thought about for the rest of the day. The comment, in a nutshell, said that now that it is summer fat women will be wearing things they shouldn’t and we should all laugh at them… with a lot of laughing while crying emojis attached to the end for effect) For the sake of this person and any who will read I am paraphrasing and not using the actual comment… sorry. This comment pissed me off. I mean hell fire should have been coming out of my ears I was so pissed. At first I didn’t know why. I just knew that when I saw him I wanted to give him a piece of my mind… which usually meant a lot of swear words, derogatory statements, and yelling…lots and lots of yelling. Good thing I was at work because heaven help him if I was able to physically do what I wanted to do in that very moment. So now that I had some time to think and formulate a plan, I decided, in true “me” fashion, to make a list:

Smack him? Comment on his status? Yell at him when I see him next? Kick his ass for being stupid? Call him a worthless piece of… none of these will work!!!! Then I really got to thinking about the comment. Why did it make me so mad? I don’t wear belly shirts. I am too embarrassed to attempt to pull something like that off. So he isn’t talking about me. Then I started thinking. I started formulating how I felt about him, and I realized: I….felt….sorry for him.

Now let me explain. His comment is mean. His comment came about because he saw someone who he felt should not be wearing what she was wearing. He decided to take it upon himself to comment about it. But why? I believe he made it to try to make people laugh. I have been there. I have tried to make people laugh at someone else’s expense. So why did I do that? I did that because I was insecure in myself and it was a way to get the eyes off of me and onto someone else. I projected my own insecurities onto others in hopes that people would not see that I was hurting inside.

And now I know exactly why he said what he said…

That is why I feel sorry for him. Somewhere deep down he is battling his own insecurities. I don’t know what they are and I will not speculate.  I feel sorry that he felt the need to say something like that. I feel sorry that no one is there to help him. It is a horrible feeling to be alone with your insecurity. The only thing I will say on the topic of dress is this: If you aren’t wearing it, why do you care? Most often when I ask that question people say,  “I am the one who has to look at it, so I care!” To that comment all I have to say is:

Then maybe you should look away.

If the woman wearing a belly shirt feels confident enough to wear it then by golly she is a stronger woman than I am and I salute her. We all should.

[mfwilliams502]

Fat People Cant Wear Belly Shirts

While I am in the midst of my first attempt to set and obtain a healthy goal for myself (I’m quitting the nasty habit of smoking ie: see previous post) a person who is close to me wrote a comment of Facebook that rubbed me the wrong way. This person did not mean to hurt me or make me sad, but the comment caused some tension between us that I am not sure can be resolved just because he apologized and was more or less ignorant that his comments hurt someone close to him.

I was working and doing my daily peruse around the Facebook universe when I came across lots of cat pictures (I love cat pictures… seriously the world can never have enough cat pictures), I saw babies (I mean sooooooo many babies! Baby laughs… my heart melts every time), people acting happy (screw you happy people… I am just going to sit over here watching my Netflix and hugging my boyfriend the Dorito bag…) 

Then I came across THE comment. This comment would be what I thought about for the rest of the day. The comment, in a nutshell, said that now that it is summer fat women will be wearing things they shouldn’t and we should all laugh at them… with a lot of laughing while crying emojis attached to the end for effect) For the sake of this person and any who will read I am paraphrasing and not using the actual comment… sorry. This comment pissed me off. I mean hell fire should have been coming out of my ears I was so pissed. At first I didn’t know why. I just knew that when I saw him I wanted to give him a piece of my mind… which usually meant a lot of swear words, derogatory statements, and yelling…lots and lots of yelling. Good thing I was at work because heaven help him if I was able to physically do what I wanted to do in that very moment. So now that I had some time to think and formulate a plan, I decided, in true “me” fashion, to make a list:

Smack him? Comment on his status? Yell at him when I see him next? Kick his ass for being stupid? Call him a worthless piece of… none of these will work!!!! Then I really got to thinking about the comment. Why did it make me so mad? I don’t wear belly shirts. I am too embarrassed to attempt to pull something like that off. So he isn’t talking about me. Then I started thinking. I started formulating how I felt about him, and I realized: I….felt….sorry for him.

Now let me explain. His comment is mean. His comment came about because he saw someone who he felt should not be wearing what she was wearing. He decided to take it upon himself to comment about it. But why? I believe he made it to try to make people laugh. I have been there. I have tried to make people laugh at someone else’s expense. So why did I do that? I did that because I was insecure in myself and it was a way to get the eyes off of me and onto someone else. I projected my own insecurities onto others in hopes that people would not see that I was hurting inside.

And now I know exactly why he said what he said…

That is why I feel sorry for him. Somewhere deep down he is battling his own insecurities. I don’t know what they are and I will not speculate.  I feel sorry that he felt the need to say something like that. I feel sorry that no one is there to help him. It is a horrible feeling to be alone with your insecurity. The only thing I will say on the topic of dress is this: If you aren’t wearing it, why do you care? Most often when I ask that question people say,  “I am the one who has to look at it, so I care!” To that comment all I have to say is:

Then maybe you should look away.

If the woman wearing a belly shirt feels confident enough to wear it then by golly she is a stronger woman than I am and I salute her. We all should.