miavonhyde-blog-blog

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Why is mittromneyforamerica following me and how do I make it stop?

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What it's like being a teen girl

The violations started small. I was 12, fairly tall with brand new boobs. My mother wouldn’t let me buy “real bras” for a long time. It didn’t occur to me that was weird until boys in my class started advising me to “stop wearing sports bras” because I was looking a little “saggy.” 

It was a boy who told me I had to start shaving my legs if I wanted anyone to ever like me. I said that wasn’t true. He laughed in my face and called me a dyke.

That night after shaving, my mother asked me why I was so vain. 

They started finding reasons to touch me, pinching my butt, snapping my new “real bras,” (“They look a lot better. Did you stuff?”) or straight-up grabbing my breasts. Dropped pencils with awkward leanovers. Staged run-ins.

One time, a popular boy I knew who lived on my street forced his way into my living room while my parents were still working and fought with me over a remote control so that he could cop a feel. I didn’t say anything. Speaking up was not an option—rather, an easy road to being even more ostracized and labelled “crazy.” Besides, who would believe that he’d wanted to touch me?

They named girls one by one, by the flaws of our bodies. What they considered theirs. They would write them on chalkboards to taunt us. Draw crude pictures. 

If we showed it hurt us, it only got worse. I would cry in the bathroom and hope for some serious illness to keep me out of school, if only for a day.

When I kissed one boy, he encouraged me to do the same with his friends. Not because he thought I might want to, but because I was a toy he wanted to share. An experience he wanted to give his less “successful” friends. For them, a celebration. For me, certain social suicide.

Even if I wanted it, there was never any winning.

I will never forget how excited I was to be invited to watch a movie with the popular boy I liked. I primped for hours. (I was, after all, a teenager grappling with my own new sexuality.) When I got there, he did not put on the movie we agreed to watch, but a porn film. I had never seen one before. He unzipped his pants, pushed and pulled at me. I cried the whole walk home.

They could pinpoint weaknesses. Worse, they knew they were wrong but there were just never any consequences. They knew this—treating us like objects there for them—was what was expected of them. 

I want to say that they stop. But the truth is that some never do.

I have never stopped being reminded of my there-for-men status. I am reminded when I am violated in my sleep, or groped in a bar, or held down by a longtime friend. I am reminded when I refuse conversation with a strange man and he spits in my direction, or calls me a “bitch.” I am reminded when I am asked why I wore such a pretty dress if I wasn’t trying to “pick up.” I am reminded when I am told to be less angry and more agreeable. I am reminded when I talk about my lived experience and am told to “stop being so negative about everything.” I am reminded when young girls are bullied so severely by men who wanted to see their bodies that they commit suicide. 

We don’t talk honestly enough about what it’s like being a teen girl. If we did talk about it, what it was like for us, perhaps we wouldn’t be so harsh on them. Perhaps we wouldn’t throw our hands up in the air and exclaim “oh, teen girls, they’re so difficult!” Perhaps they wouldn’t be so scary. Perhaps we’d see their lives for the small and large violations they’re often made up of; and what those violations do. 

Perhaps we would have been less surprised today when we learned that a fifteen-year-old boy was arrested on the scene of a sexual assault, in connection with a series of sexual assaults occurring in the Bloor and Christie area of Toronto. Perhaps we would be less shocked by the fact that it’s 12-17 year old boys who are the most likely to commit sexual assault (Statistics Canada, pg. 13). That is, after all, what they were doing to me. 

My stories are not uncommon. They’re more common than we want to think. As my friend Panic said: “Ask anyone who is or has been a teenaged girl. 15-yr-old boys assaulting women is common. It’s ‘normal.’” It’s so normal, in fact, that we don’t talk about it until we’re women and we know it doesn’t have to be.

Pretty much everything in North American culture tells men and boys that women and girls are there for them. So please, do us some favours. Stop telling us that we have to take self defence. Stop telling us we shouldn’t drink or go out at night or on dates. Stop telling us that we need to be prepared for whatever “boys-be-boys” violations come our ways, because it’s bullshit. We don’t have to accept this or carry it around in silence.

Start talking with men and boys about the messages they’re getting about women and girls. Tell them that they are not entitled to our bodies, no matter what. Talk to them honestly and comprehensively about sexualization and objectification. Stop being afraid to talk about boundaries, sex, and pleasure—leaving that to schools, the Internet, and peers is simply not cutting it. Show them what consent really looks like.

And this sounds basic, but remind them that we’re, you know, people? We deserve at least that much.

Resources

Higher Unlearning

White Ribbon

It Starts With You

Addendum: Thank you + notes

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

“But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer.”

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3 new posts on my personal blog.

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Introduction on personal blog up.

Will post here every time there is a new entry to save people from having to check all the time.

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Done.

I have sent the link and password to everyone who expressed interest except sieben2703 and belacantemasek as I could not locate your ask boxes for some reason. Drop me an ask and I'll respond with the details!

And anyone else still interested in reading actual blog entries by me feel free to do the same. I just request that the page be kept to yourself.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

freethoughtrules answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

I’d want to read it! I really like reading your thoughts/reflections about things. You always have something interesting to say.

block

sieben2703 answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

I always read your blogs with interest. You have a way with words that makes things sound a little better than if they came out of my mouth.

elliarya answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

I would

belacantemasek answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

Me.. I would be interested :)

new-death-sensation answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

I would :) x

da-senpai answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

I would be interested.

laughatdragons replied to your post: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

it really helps me keep up with you, I’ve missed you lately but we’ve both got so much going on, oh goodness!

laughatdragons answered your question: If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

meeeeeeeeeeee

Wow, okay. Guess I'll make a password-protected blog then O.O

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

If I started a password-protected blog who would actually be interested in reading it?

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

laughatdragons said: I’m sorry you have to deal with that hun. THE best present ever is almost ready to go in the mail!

It's okay. I nipped it in the bun pretty much the day it started and there's been nothing since then but you can't be too careful. I'm more paranoid about my safety since I got bumped. And YAY! I am so excited but I know I promised not to open until after labour D:

rhysibanshee replied to your post: Wait, you don’t use this blog for posting? How did I miss that! What’s the new blog?

Mia, Mia! I always tended to read your posts. -Misery

Well maybe if I can be bothered I might start a password-protected diary and inbox the password to people I trust who want it.. I'll consider it!

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

who's been trying to stalk you?

People who vaguely know me in real life and enjoy attempting to spread rumours and/or cause unnecessary drama. I don't feel like naming anyone.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

Wait, you don't use this blog for posting? How did I miss that! What's the new blog?

This is my only blog, I don't use any for posting any more because I've had people attempt to stalk me online recently and no longer feel comfortable sharing personal information that's available to anyone online. I'm looking into getting a password-protected blog but I don't know if enough people would actually read it to make it worthwhile.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

laughatdragons replied to your post: Wishing you the best.

this one is kinda creepy.

Thank god, it's not just me. Especially since all my actual friends know I don't really use this for posting any more, just for reading other people's blogs.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

Wishing you the best.

Am I the only person who finds random messages like this creepy rather than supportive? :-S Please come off anon if you have genuine wellness wishes.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

Sometimes it is good to remember that I am enough, on my own, just as I am.

I don't tell myself that very often but I really should. All of my depression stems from the idea that I need certain things and certain people to be happy so when they start to drift away from me I feel as though my life is over, but this simply isn't true. I have lost people before and had things taken away from me and I am still here, still breathing and still have the strength to get through every day and still have the clarity of sight to be able to count the blessings I do have despite all the nonsense.

And if that isn't something then I don't know what is.

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Reblog and bold!

BOLD WHAT APPLIES TO YOU.

You are in high school. You dropped out of high school. You live within 20 minutes of your best friend. You live within 20 minutes of the last person you kissed. You live within 20 minutes of your ex. You have been to the movies within the last week. You have hugged someone in the last 48 hours. You have had 3 or more boyfriends/girlfriends just this year. You have been a designated driver.  You have broken merchandise and not paid for it. You have played strip poker. You are Catholic. You are Atheist. You recycle regularly. You have dated a blonde. You are friends with a redhead. You are taller than your mum. You have a bank account. You’ve written a check for less than $5. You have visited the Statue of Liberty. You have visited the Eiffel Tower. You have visited Big Ben. You have visited the Colosseum. You have visited The Great Wall of China. You have never been out of the country. You have been a waiter/waitress. You own a Bible. You own something with a Pentagram on it. You have used a Ouija Board. You have been a witch for Halloween.  You have been a zombie for Halloween. You have your eyebrow pierced. You have a Monroe piercing. You have your nose pierced. You have no tattoos.  You have more than 5 tattoos. You straighten your hair. You have worn a dress in the last 3 days. You live somewhere that gets snow. You celebrate Hanukkah. You were at your own house last New Year’s. You were at a bar last New Year’s. You cant remember last New Year’s. You slept through last New Year’s. You have worked on Christmas Eve. You have worked on Christmas. You have been told ‘I love you’ by someone today. You were told by someone who’s not family. You slept in your own bed last night. You are dating the last person you kissed. You regret kissing the last person you kissed.  You are wearing a necklace right now. You are wearing something red. You are wearing something blue. You are wearing something purple. Your phone number ends with an even number. You have kissed the last person you called/texted. You are currently listening to music. You are waiting for something. You don’t like seafood. You have eaten deer sausage. You have given a complete stranger your phone number. You have been hit on at work. You have been hit on by someone more than 20 years older than you. You have been whistled at. You have been creeped out by it.

You are very punctual.

You were dating someone in December of 2010.

You are still dating that person.

You have cheated on someone. You have been cheated on. You have been on a cruise ship. You have camped out in your own backyard. You are wearing something that doesn’t belong to you. You are a Pisces. You are an Aquarius. You are a Leo.

You wonder what will happen when you die. You are afraid of the dark.

You have been told you have nice handwriting. You have had a song written for you.  You have had a picture drawn of you. You have curly hair. You are wearing a watch. You are wearing flip flops. You wouldn’t date someone who smoked. You know someone with the same birthday as you. You slept in past 10 am today. You have big plans for next weekend. You are thinking of someone right now. Your job is stressing you out. You don’t have a job. You have never had a job. You were fired from your last job. You know sign language.  You will usually try something at least once. You have been swimming in the last month. You are pessimistic by nature. You have taken a ballet class. You have taken karate. You have taken gymnastics. You wish on shooting stars. You wish at 11:11. Your birthday has already come this year. You have been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year. 

You ended your last relationship.

Your ex ended your last relationship.  You aren’t over your ex. You have gone after someone you knew was bad for you. You were/are a teenage mom (soon) You were named after someone. You like your name. Your last drink was water. You have visited somewhere said to be ‘haunted’. You have skipped school just because you didn’t feel like going. You have taken medicine when you ‘feel a headache coming on’. YOU ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR BODY. You have a hangover. You have a pet fish. You have had a Jehovah’s Witness show up at your house. You have godparents. Your parents are still married. You have step-siblings. You are the oldest. You are adopted. You have a twin. You don’t want kids. You want more than four kids. You have a bad temper. You usually make the first move in an intimate situation.

You have made out with a complete stranger. You have worked with a Kayla You have gone to the movies with a Jared

You have hugged a Lexie. You have held hands with a Marcus.  You have dated a Rachel.  You have broken your arm.  You have had to get stitches on your face.  You have had an MRI. Your fingernails are painted. You like to draw. You like to sing.  You can play an instrument. You keep a lot of secrets from people. You don’t think people would accept you if they really got to know you. You don’t trust people easily. You borrowed something you really need to give back to someone. You drive a car older than a 2002. You know a child who died of cancer You know a teenager who died in a car wreck. You have done something illegal in the past 24 hours. You have cut your hair in the last week. You wear glasses.

Your favourite season is Autumn. Your favourite colour is orange. Your favourite animal is a dolphin. You last rode in a car with a relative. You last rode in a car with a girl. You last rode in a car with the person you are dating.  You regularly watch Asian dramas. You love Chinese food. Your best friend is older than you. You have to go to school/work tomorrow. You answered every question truthfully.

[miavonhyde-blog-blog]

Feminist: Having sex isn't consenting to parenthood. Women shouldn't have to be mothers if they don't want to be. They should be allowed to have abortions.

Tumblr: You're right, that is perfectly reasonable. Anyone who disagrees is a Republican misogynist!

MRA: Having sex isn't consenting to parenthood. Men shouldn't have to be fathers if they don't want to be. They should be allowed to have financial abortions.

Tumblr: HOLY HELL MRA DOUCHEFUCKS WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU MISOGYNISTIC ASSHAT HERE'S YOUR FEDORA NOW GO DIE IN A FIRE

Separationbymitosis: If you really believe this is a double-standard then you probably don't have a whole lot of sympathy for people who have to go through the financial, emotional, physical and mental hardship a woman has to go through carrying a child, let alone giving birth to one. You're enabling deadbeat fathers who want to "jizz and run" from responsibility.

Moi: Paying child support is not the same as being a father. Anyone who thinks this is the case clearly has no idea what they're talking about. The sperm donor who helped to create me paid child support for a while when he felt like it and he still wasn't anything remotely close to a father. Paying a bit of money for something that is half your responsibility is getting off lightly.

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