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micahobrien · 9 years

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finally, i’m forced to face the truth

( no matter what i say, i’m not over you )

Losing the best thing that’s ever happened to him is a gradual experience.

“I don’t love you.”

The words come out abruptly, misplaced, as if they’ve slipped out at the wrong time. The color drains from his face, and it’s painfully clear that he hadn’t meant to say them. And if he had, they certainly weren’t supposed to come out so harshly.

A silence stretches between the two of them that he can’t – that neither of them can – fix. The air seems stilted, now, and he wonders – he assumes that this feels just as uncomfortable for the other as it does for him, and the need to shift, to get away is so strong, it’s almost irresistible. But the only thing more compelling than that is the fragility of the peace between them. As if one step to either side will ruin things, bringing down everything they’ve been trying so hard to avoid.

His mind reels, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t move. And maybe that’s because he can’t move. He’s trapped here, in this space, with no room for escape. Distantly, he notes that this is all his fault. He created this, brought this tragedy on himself.

The other boy shifts on his feet, mouth opening to say something to make this better. But there’s nothing that can make this better. It’s a love story gone wrong; or maybe he’s playing the wrong role in the wrong fairy tale. It’s a lot like a fairy tale; the kind that you hear about when you’re a little kid, and you want so badly to believe in, because those fairy tales always end with the guy getting the girl and evil never wins. It’s what every kid needs to hear, everything a kid ever wants, and it’s… not what he’s experiencing right now. Because… Spoiler alert?

There is no happy ending.

The first time he kisses her, she tastes like the cherry lip gloss she wears that day. It’s a gentle kiss, slow and passionate, and it happens when they’re trying not to drown in her bath tub. It’s a bit awkward and clumsy, if only because of the position they’re in, but he still will never forget it; he will never not think of it as his favorite kiss. She clearly has more experience than she does, and her lips move confidently against his.

When they pull back, they’re both slightly panting, but she took his breath away a long time ago.

He presses his forehead against hers, swearing beneath ragged breaths that he loves her more than life itself. And it’s not a lie. Because she’s blonde, and beautiful, and she’s smart, and creative, and her name leaves his lips like a hushed prayer. Pippa, he finds himself whispering, eyes locked on hers, taking in a sight that he’s only dreamed about. Pippa.

Five letters, two syllables, one breath. Blonde hair, brown eyes, plump lips, slim figure, one girl, all he’s ever known.

One day, her older brother’s lips twitch into a half-smile, and he lazily comments on how hopelessly whipped Micah is. He wants to be offended but – but he’s not wrong. Micah is whipped, so, so hopelessly devoted to this girl, to the one person who he had never been able to call his until now, to the one person he always wants to call his. Micah lazily rolls his own eyes and flips Kendall off.

Maybe he is whipped. But he’s okay with that.

When Micah is eight years old, he gets attacked by a dog. It’s not as bad as it sounds. The dog – far bigger than himself – pounces on him and it pins him to the ground. It bites at him, but is pulled off by its apologetic owner before any damage can be done. If Micah isn’t scarred enough, he definitely is when he goes home that night and his mother tells him that all dogs are vicious killers, and that he should stay away from them.

It scares him away from dogs forever. He never goes over a friend’s house if they have one, even if it’s a newborn pup. He never goes to pet stores. He tries to walk as far away from the animals as he can.

Sometimes, he thinks –

– fears, really –

—that the dogs aren’t the only ones to shy away from.

If the dogs are that vicious, what does it say about their owners?

For the most part, no one in the squad (he will never understand that name) has a dog. They’re all aware of his phobia, and though he’s only a member by extension – Forrest always gives him a Look when he says that – they make sure he’s comfortable. Astrid, Rollins, and Damien all have dogs, so he never goes over to their houses; they never have parties or hang outs there. They make him as comfortable as they can, and they always make it a point to get between him and any dog they might come across.

No, he doesn’t get out much. He doesn’t make friends outside of the squad, but it’s okay. He doesn’t know how to talk to people, anyway, and people usually have dogs. It only sounds bad, only sounds a bit lonely. But it’s not bad. Not at all.

He lives a pretty sheltered live, actually.

Flynn Court transfers into his advanced dance class towards the end of the school year. He’s lithe, with just enough muscle to not be deemed lanky, and he doesn’t look like much of a dancer; he looks more like a prince. He comes in with a charming smile, and a welcome demeanor as if he’s been there the entire year, and they’re all the ones transferring in.

Micah takes one look at the kid, and looks away.

But his attention is quickly drawn back to him when he sees the new boy dance. Even Flynn seems surprised by the way he moves. It’s fluid, and it’s strong, and it’s punctual, but he still manages to move as if he’s actual royalty. Even though he’s near the back of the group, he still stands out. Micah, up in front, does his best to stay focused on his own reflection in the mirror instead of Flynn’s, but he fails, for the most part.

He can’t look away, but he keeps his distance.

He’s really not a people person.

Pippa meets this guy, Duke.

For someone who looks the way he does, Duke is surprisingly innocent. Even more innocent than Micah, which is a feat, in and of itself. Duke turns out to be an artist, and great with a camera. Pippa is great when it comes to fashion and design.

(Later, Micah learns that they actually met in an elective course for fashion and design. Through his giggles, Micah swears that he won’t tell anyone. Honestly, with the blush spreading over the boy’s face, there’s no way the dancer could do anything that would make him upset. He’s just too cute.)

The two artists become fast friends, and before Micah even knows it, they’re entering this competition. It’s for Pippa’s sake, really, because Duke isn’t looking for any recognition. But, Pippa tells him in confidence, this is her one shot. It’s her shot to be more than Kendall’s sister, more than the blonde bombshell, more than just something to look at. It’s her chance to prove that she’s worth more.

This competition means the world to her, and Micah makes her swear to put her heart and soul into it. He has faith that she and Duke will win, but if she doesn’t give it her all, she won’t believe in herself.

So she devotes herself to the event, and Micah finds other things to do.

He jumps when two hands slip gently but firmly around his waist. He’s about to spin out of it, but the hands guide his hips in a twist that he’s been trying (and failing at) for hours. He’s been dancing his whole life, but for the life of him, he can’t get this move. It’s the transition, he knows. From the previous move into the twist, it’s a switch that he can’t quite master. And it frustrates him, that years of dancing and days of practice haven’t helped him at all in what should be so simple.

“You’re too tense,” a voice, only vaguely familiar, informs him, next to his ear. Micah finally has the sense to look into the mirror, and sees Flynn Court standing behind him, hands placed on his hips. The brunette slips a foot between Micah’s legs, and he nudges his feet apart. He once again twists Micah’s hips for him, and the smaller boy has to admit that it feels a bit better. “Try that count again.”

He does, and to his surprise, Flynn does it with him. It’s a complicated series of movements that really should not be so hard. He watches Flynn’s reflection instead of his own, picking out every difference between the two of them. Though the moves are the exact same, both of them being completely on point, they’re almost completely different. Flynn is so much more relaxed than he is, from the way he maneuvers his feet, to the way he works his arms.

“Again.”

Micah once again does the sequence, and he’s a lot looser this time. It’s easier, he notices. The twist still feels unnatural, but it’s not so uncomfortable. He doesn’t almost stumble over his own two feet this time, and a smile lights his face at the end of the eighth count. He looks at Flynn in the mirror, and the brunette’s reflection grins almost proudly at him. “Better, right?”

The smaller boy turns to face the near stranger, and there’s an odd feeling in his stomach, as he looks at that smile. “Better.”

“She cried over that design,” Dallas tells him one day, when they’re seated on Forrest’s couch, watching some old Disney movie.

Micah looks up at him. Blinks once. Twice. “What?”

Dallas doesn’t look at him. He just continues watching the movie, his fingers idly massaging Micah’s scalp. The younger boy finds himself pressing into the gentle touch, biting back the quiet mewl that threatens to slip from his lips. Sometimes, they make small gestures like this; they run their fingers through his hair, or they pull him into them, things like that. He isn’t sure why they do it – there doesn’t seem to be any point, any motive to it. He just figures that they’re used to doing it to each other, so when he’s around, they can’t help but do it to him, too. He doesn’t question it; he just accepts it as it is, for what it is.

“Why was Pippa crying?” The thought makes him anxious. Micah has never been good at seeing Pippa cry. It rips his heart out in a way that he can’t describe, can’t ever get used to. Once, she had come over to his house crying, and he’d had a full blown panic attack. He’d called Kendall, Kian, Forrest, and all of the parents whose numbers he’d managed to get his hands on. Later on, they’d all laughed it off, and called him cute. But after that, he’d learned how to deal with the tears himself. He knew how to deal with them, how to comfort her, but he could never quite get used to them. And the thought of her crying without him being there to make it better made him want to cry.

Having a pretty good understanding of this, Dallas tore his eyes away from the movie, and gave him an almost amused smile. “She was frustrated,” he elaborated, running his hands through Micah’s hair again. “Then she talked to Kendall for a while, and looked at her design. And she started crying again because she was happy. She was proud of it. She can’t wait for you to see it. So be proud of her, too, alright?”

Micah doesn’t know why Dallas thought that needed to be said. He’s always proud of Pippa. Even when she isn’t proud of herself. He feels pride for her always, even if the only thing she does is get out of bed. He’s proud when she gets dressed, and when she puts on her makeup, or when she doesn’t wear makeup. Micah’s proud of Pippa whenever she makes the decision to be herself, and do something for herself, because she doesn’t do it often.

But the look in Dallas’ eyes tells him that there’s a piece of the puzzle that he isn’t seeing, so Micah just nods. And if he revels in the way the older boy smiles at him, well. No one has to know.

He’s not surprised by the declaration. Not at all, really.

He’s used to being unloved. There aren’t a lot of people in his life who do love him. There are people who put up with him. There are more than a few people who tolerate him for someone else’s—mainly Pippa’s – benefit. But there are really only two people in the world who love him: Pippa, and his mom, in her own way.

Most of those people, he does love; even if they don’t love him back. But, usually, he isn’t in love with them.

Usually.

The thing, though, is that – well. Flynn isn’t the first guy that he’s fallen for.

They have this day.

It’s just him and Pippa. Summer has just started, so there’s still the lingering spring breeze floating by, despite the not yet suffocating heat. They’re lounging in her backyard, lying in the grass, staring at the clouds. Their hands are between the two of them, fingers tangled together loosely.

It’s rare that they have moments like this. She’s so active, and he’s like a puppy, following her wherever she goes, doing whatever she asks. They’re always going on adventures, always chasing the next big thing, but then there are moments like this. Moments where they can lie in the grass, nothing but the sound of the wind touching their ears.

He glances over at her, and feels something warm swell in his chest. She looks so serene in this moment. There’s a small, content smile on her face as her eyes scan the skies, identifying shapes in shapeless clouds. There’s an almost childish wonder in her gaze, and she looks – she looks like she’s happy being here, now and forever.

Maybe he accidentally squeezes her hand, but something causes her to look over at him. They lock eyes, and he thinks his heart stops. She still has that smile on her face, the one that’s capable of making anyone weak in the knees, and the amount of love in her eyes brings a grin to his face, and he realizes –

Wow. So, that’s what it feels like to fall in love.

Samuel Chang graduated a year before Micah even made it to high school. He’s like some legend, though, especially as far as the dance team is concerned. Apparently, his dad was one of the best dancers the school had ever seen, or something along those lines, and Samuel had denied his own gift of dance for a while before he eventually gave in, and started the school’s dance team. He was the original founder, during his sophomore year, and there has yet to be a dancer good enough to take his title as the king.

Because of his title and his reputation, he comes down from the local state university to visit the team, and help out with the dances. When Micah first saw him, he had expected the older boy to react to him the same way everyone else did: not even know he was there. Micah was good at flying under the radar. Most people didn’t notice him, even when he wanted them to.

But Samuel had seen him, even in the midst of eleven other dancers, all just as advanced as he, if not more so. He’d seen him, and had come up to the boy after practice, and complimented him on the easy transition between steps. And it. It actually feels really fucking good, because while Micah is good at dancing, this one is slightly tougher, and the transitions are deliberately rocky and abrupt, and it’s hard for someone to do something like that when they are trained to make everything fluid. But Samuel sees his hard work, and thinks he’s doing well.

“Call me Sami,” the older boy says, slinging an arm around Micah’s shoulders, and they – well, they become friends. And Sami’s the type of friend who comes knocking at your door – or, rather, blowing up your phone; no one ever really comes over Micah’s house – grinning about this new choreo that he just has to teach you. So, naturally, Micah learns more choreo from Sami than he does from the girl in charge of the dance team, and he’s really okay with that.

One day, he’s in the gym – where the dance team holds their practices – practicing this same damn dance with Flynn, because he’s going to get this down, dammit, and then Samuel Chang bursts through the door, announcing that he’s entered the three of them into a dance competition.

Wait.

What?

Micah is twelve years old, and chilling at Pippa’s house – Pippa, who’s been his best friend for about three years now, and still hasn’t thrown him out – when her brother comes sulking into the house. This isn’t an unnatural occurrence. Kendall has a hard time making friends, as a lot of people don’t understand his humor.

In a way, Kendall is a fourteen year old version of Micah, at the time.

He’s a great guy, but he’s different from all of the other kids around, and none of them are willing to push and try to communicate with him, despite how cool he really is.

So, Kendall goes up to his room, sulks for about an hour, then comes down to play Halo: Reach with Micah and Pippa. He wins and loses a few rounds before the doorbell rings. Reluctantly, the older boy sighs, puts down the controller and heads for the door. When he opens it, Micah hears muffled voices -- though he can’t determine what they’re saying, it sounds like they’re arguing – and then Kendall is dragging himself into the living room, two boys following him with bright grins.

Their names are Kian Voss and Forrest Thompson. Eventually, they become two of Kendall’s best friends, and they take on roles as Pippa’s older brothers, as well as the squad mom and dad. For the time being, though, they just make themselves comfortable at the Haynesworth residence: Forrest grabs an extra controller from his spot on the ground, and Kian leans back into the couch, throwing an arm over Micah’s shoulder.

The two boys both become prominent figures in all of their lives. But Micah really only gets close to one of them.

Pippa’s design is beautiful.

Micah can’t say that with any sort of authority, seeing as his fashion sense gets teased on a daily basis, but from what he can tell, it’s absolutely gorgeous. From the sketches that she and Duke passed back and forth, all compiled into one folder, to the actual fabric that now lie on the bed in front of him, down to the photos she presses into his hands of the two designers modeling the designs.

It’s one of the greatest things she’s ever done, and Micah is so proud, he can’t do anything but grin like a lovesick fool, pull her into his arms, kiss her and tell her how damn amazing she is.

The words come out of his mouth so frequently, he’s almost afraid that she doesn’t believe them, but when he pulls back, her eyes shine bright with tears, and he knows – he knows that she’s finally getting it.

And that’s the most important thing in the world.

( important enough that he forgets to mention the competition. but that doesn’t matter. he doesn’t give a damn about the competition – not when she looks so proud of herself. )

A week before this very moment in time, Micah has a run in with a dog. It’s a small little thing, barely big enough to harm a mouse, but for someone who isn’t accustomed to seeing dogs, it’s terrifying.

He finds himself in a tree to get away from the beast, and hears a familiar voice calling out. Then, Flynn is there, scooping the dog into his arms. The brunette looks up and gives Micah an equally confused and amused smile and asks, “What are you doing in a tree?”

And. It kind of just… plummets.

He doesn’t know who proposes to who, but one day, Kian and Forrest come home with wide grins, declaring that they’re officially engaged.

A week later, they’re wearing rings.

Micah slips his headphones in, looks down to his phone, and pretends that his heart isn’t breaking in his chest.

There are only three people on their team: Micah, Flynn, and Sami. Micah and Flynn are the dancers, and Sami is the choreographer. According to the rules, that is allowed.

Ironically, they’re dancing to one of Amos’ songs. It’s a contemporary piece, that’s emotional and oddly dynamic for something choreographed by one person. It goes back and forth between Micah and Flynn being the bad guy, and in the end, it’s unclear, even to them, who plays which role.

Somehow, in a way that only Samuel Chang can, he gives the two dancers choreography that is unique to their own style, but somehow makes it all fit into the same dance, the same tune, the same melody, the same rhythm and beat. Flynn has a certain confidence in his moves that comes from exact timing, and quick adjustability to any changes. Micah is a fluid, flexible dancer, who’s a pro when it comes to acrobatics. Samuel is a good enough dancer that he can do both in equal greatness, and he makes a dance that’s perfect for the two of them.

This, Micah thinks, it where everything starts to go wrong.

He walks away with a black eye, burst lip, jacked up knee, and a couple of bruises. For the kid who was always the runt of the litter, and was always picked on, it ain’t so bad. The other guy doesn’t look worse, but he walks away feeling more frustrated and beat down than Micah does, so the young boy calls it a win.

Kian is less than impressed.

The older boy drags him away before the principal can get involved, and Micah finds himself fidgeting uncomfortably in the passenger seat of the teen’s brand new car. It’s not that Micah doesn’t like Kian. It’s just that they aren’t really close, and he sometimes isn’t quite sure how to act around him. Especially when Kian – the dad of the squad – is sitting there in utter silence, fuming.

But it’s silent, which is a blessing, and Micah thinks he’s getting off lucky, because at least it’s not Lane, or Kalani, or anyone who actually gives a damn. Kian only knows who he is because of Pippa and Kendall. He won’t care enough to ask questions. At least, that’s what the young dancer thinks until the driver pulls off to the side of the road and parks the car.

Shit.

“Okay, what’s going on with you,” Kian sighs, ripping the keys from the ignition.

“Nothing,” Micah mutters, refusing to look his way. “It was just a dumb fight.”

“No, it wasn’t. You don’t do dumb fights.” How would you know? You don’t know a damn thing. “You don’t fight, at all. But this week, you’ve been flying off the handle a lot. When you’re not avoiding us, you’re snapping at us. Did we do something to you?”

“No!” It’s not that. It’s never that. They’re the only people in the whole world who’ve ever given Micah a chance. It’s been two and a half years, now, and they haven’t fucked anything up. The only one who ever really fucks up is him.

Kian’s shoulders sag, as if he’d been hoping that the answer to that would be yes. (At least then, they’d know what the problem was and how to fix it.) “Then what happened? Because even Pippa is at a loss, here.”

Micah’s mouth opens, then closes again. He stiffens up, nervousness curling in his stomach, and something that feels an awful lot like an anxiety – panic? – attack starts creeping up on him as he searches for something to say. Telling the truth isn’t an option. It’s. No. He can’t tell Kian that, he hasn’t told anyone, he won’t tell anyone, but he also can’t lie. A half-truth, maybe? “T-there’s this guy,” he starts shakily. Kian looks on patiently, brows furrowed slightly in confusion. “A-and he’s… well, we…”

And Kian laughs. Micah feels sick to his stomach because that’s not. That’s not what was supposed to happen, but Kian gives him this relieved look, and any protests or inquiries die in Micah’s throat. “You had a thing with a guy,” Kian finishes. “Is that where this is going?”

Well. “Uh—”

“And I’m guessing whoever that jerk was found out, and hasn’t been very nice about it. Am I getting warmer?”

“Y-yeah,” Micah lies, relaxing in his seat. It’s not even remotely close to the truth, but it puts this smile on Kian’s face, as if everything is suddenly simpler, and this is a problem that he can solve. It puts everyone at ease when Micah lies, so he does. “Yeah.”

Micah turns seventeen, and doesn’t tell anyone.

Somehow, though, they still find out. He thinks Pippa told them – because she’s the one person he ever actually told – or that maybe Marilyn and Adelaide reminded them – because they know everything – but a month passes before that happens.

He comes home one day with Sami and Flynn, and the entire squad screams surprise as he walks in the door. They’re shocked to see the other two boys, but they welcome them anyway. There isn’t a person in Lima or in either of the neighboring towns who doesn’t know Samuel Chang, and most of them have seen Flynn around school or town by now.

Eventually, someone asks what the boys were up to, and Sami doesn’t really think to lie, so he admits that they were practicing for their dance competition. And Micah – for the life of him, he can’t figure out why everyone looks so betrayed at the mention of a dance competition. Was he not supposed to enter? He’s about to tell them that he didn’t really sign up for it, when they ask the boys to perform it. They really can’t say no, so Sami plugs up his speaker and phone, and Flynn and Micah make their way to the middle of the backyard.

“They wanted you to tell them,” Flynn tells him quietly, as they move the chair stage left. Micah blinks up at him, and Flynn subtly nods back towards the people behind them. “That’s why they looked so hurt a minute ago. They’re your friends, Micah. They want to support you when you do things like this. And they can’t do that if you never tell them.”

And Micah is about to tell Flynn that he’s wrong – they’re not really his friends, they don’t really even like him – when Sami tells them to get in their places. Micah sits in the chair, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, and Flynn goes to stand towards the middle of their makeshift stage.

The strings come first, and the squad perks up in recognition, even before the words start. I thought that I’d been hurt before – small movements, Micah lifts one knee, Flynn’s shoulders move, etc. – but no one’s ever left me quite this sore – they meet eyes briefly, Micah flips over the arm of the chair (careful not to tip it over), sinking to his knees, tightly grasping the arm, which he leans his forehead on, closing his eyes. On that same beat, Flynn turns away, fists clenching, closing his eyes, shutting out painful thoughts.

Your words cut deeper than a knife –Flynn runs towards him; seeing him coming, Micah stumbles around to the back of the car, falls completely to his knees, gasping for breath as he clutches his chest, and Flynn flies over the chair, hands gripping the arm as he does, taking the position that Micah recently held – now I need someone to breathe me back to life.

The entire audience is captivated as the song picks up, and the dance becomes a story. The moves are sharp, and complex, and the choreographer watches with a critical eye. Got a feeling that I’m going under – Micah flips to his feet, making sure that they make contact with the ground exactly on beat – but I know that I’ll make it out alive – Flynn has him pinned to the ground – if I quit calling you my lover – Micah presses his feet to Flynn’s stomach, kicks him off, gets back to his feet – move on – push.

This chorus is easier to keep up with than the other ones. The movements in this one are simple enough that Micah and Flynn complete them in perfect unison, right on beat. And when they reach the end of the chorus – and now that I’m without your kisses – small, precise movements, feet shuffling as they move stage right – I’ll be needing stitches – spin out of it, Micah getting to his knees, downstage right, Flynn stumbling the other way.

The next sequence is more primal. Flynn stalking his prey – just like a moth drawn to a flame – he helps the younger boy to his feet – oh, you lured me in — they circle each other, not even a full inch between their bodies, Flynn looking down at him with a predatory smirk, Micah responding with a lovesick gaze – I couldn’t sense the pain – before they continue walking past each other. You’re bitter, hard, cold to the touch – it’s a series of blocked touches, though it’s not very obvious who is reaching for whom; then it becomes clear that Flynn is reaching, and Micah is flinching away – now I’m going to reap what I sow – Flynn touches his shoulder, Micah sweeps a leg under him, knocking him to his back; Micah straddles him – I’m left seeing red on my own – they don’t break eye contact as Micah punches the ground near Flynn’s head, then he arches his back as he does the perfect flip off of the older boy. Got a feeling that I’m going under – they’re both on their feet for this part, doing the same movements; their heads are bowed, shading their eyes just the way they wanted – but I know that I’ll make it out alive – breathe, Micah – if I quit calling you my lover – Flynn closes the distance between them, wrapping his arms tight around the thinner boy, burying his face in his neck, breathing him in – move on – Micah breaks out of the hold, putting distance between the two of them.

Something feels weird about this practice. It’s not that their moves are wrong, because they aren’t. (Tripping over myself – skip back, back, pivot on your heel – achin’.) This is the most synchronized they’ve been since Sami taught them the dance, the most in tune they’ve been with each other since they’ve met. And yet (now that I’m without your kisses – arms, feet, shuffle, head – I’ll be needing stitches – guitar comes in; spin out of the eight-count, stumbling in a daze; Micah recovers first) something is so odd.

Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head – Micah does this part alone, Flynn still recovering from the last sequence – needle and a thread, gonna wind up dead. Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head – Flynn joins in on this one, though his moves are much more frustrated than Micah’s, and his body language speaks volumes – needle and a thread, gonna wind up dead. Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head – Flynn’s arm swings back, and Micah goes flying, as if hit; he hits the ground with his shoulders, and starts doing the spins on his shoulders, careful to keep the perfect form as his body drops and rises, while Flynn continues to dance in front of him – needle, and a thread, gonna wind up dead. Micah elevates onto his hands, flipping in circles without moving from that place -- needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head – Flynn continues to dance – get you out of my head! – Micah flips to his feet, making contact with the ground at the exact second, before the music continues.

The last chorus is the most heartwrenching, as the story has reached its climax and the victim has never been more unclear. (Fallin’ onto my knees – they’re already on their knees, stop, arch, fall.) Their hands clench tightly at the grass below them as they force their bodies to keep moving through the rigorous dance, despite the exhaustion that threatens to claim them. (And now that I’m without your kisses – Flynn chases Micah down the length of the stage; shuffle, on your feet, lunge, dodge, run – I’ll be needin’ stitches.)

In the end, it’s Micah who walks away with a smirk, and Flynn is left standing there, breathing heavily, lost.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

The words cause him to look up, eyes wide with fear. Amelie looks at him with blank eyes, and he can feel the harsh, unforgiving judgement behind them. He knows exactly what she means, who she means, but what he doesn’t know is how she knows.

His lack of an answer is answer enough. Her face drops, and she looks so fucking disappointed, he feels like scum. All because of a damn crush. “Micah—”

“I didn’t want to be, okay?” He looks away from her, making the mistake of looking out the window. “I didn’t ask for this.”

“Micah,” she repeats, and he doesn’t know why. He can’t really pay attention to her, anyway, because just outside, the squad is having a barbeque, and Forrest says something that has Kian leaning in and capturing his lips, their shoulders shaking in laughter. “He’s… They’re—”

“I know.” It hurts. But he does. “I never stood a chance.”

When Micah finally catches his breath and makes it back to reality, he realizes that half of the girls are crying. Including Pippa. (And Julianne, which is surprising, seeing as he’s only ever seen her angry or sadistically amused.)

His girlfriend hugs him tight when he makes his way over, and he lets out a breathy laugh, though it’s all nerves. “What’s wrong?”

Pippa pulls away, and she wipes at her eyes. “I’ve never seen you dance like that,” she chokes out. “It was – God, Micah. That was beautiful.”

And the thing is. The thing is, Micah’s never thought of his dancing as beautiful. He’s never really thought of it as anything. It’s just been the only thing that he’s ever had. Lane and Kalani always compliment him, telling him how great his performances are, but they say it out of requirement, as family. But this is Pippa, saying it out of sincerity. And it – it feels really good.

He looks over at Flynn and Sami, to share his joy with them, and catches Flynn’s eye. The older boy grins at him – Micah’s stomach flutters – before turning back to talk to Chloe, who looks up at him with a look that Micah knows all too well – and his stomach falls to the fucking pits.

Oh, he thinks, realization dawning on him, as Amos goes to talk to Sami, obstructing his view of Chloe taking Flynn’s hand. Oh.

The decision to tell Flynn how he feels is impulsive, and it doesn’t go as planned. That is to say, it wasn’t planned. Micah had been planning on hiding his feelings like he always did. But then Flynn had to go and smile at him, and place a hand on his arm, uttering those two sinful words – “Good boy.” – and Micah loses all control over his mouth.

The words slip out, and a terrible silence follows.

Then –

After Flynn’s own less than sensitive outburst, he tries to come back from it. “I do like you,” he says, reaching for Micah, who backs away, refusing to even look at him anymore. “I just – it’s just a crush, Micah. I’m not – I’m not in—”

“I get it,” Micah cuts him off because he really can’t hear it again. He probably needs to, but since when does he do what’s good for him? “It’s fine. Forget it.”

“No, I won’t forget it.” Because Flynn Court is fucking is stubborn, why is everyone in Micah’s life so fucking stubborn, when no one fucking cares? “Micah—”

He doesn’t chase after the snow-haired boy as he runs away. It’s probably for the best.

– there’s music playing –

– the guy that Micah mentioned –

– he was just so fucking hurt –

– he wasn’t thinking, but this –

It happens again.

And again, Micah pretends that it doesn’t.

“I love you,” she whispers, crickets chirping in the background. They breathe each other in, giggling with his hands on her waist and her fingers knitting in his hair, lips catching against each other clumsily. “I love you.”

“You said that,” he teases, kissing her again, because, my God, she’s his number one addiction.

She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him in, kissing him long and deep. “I love you,” she mutters against his lips, wrapped in his jacket, hair pushing against her face as the wind blows. “I love you.”

He’ll never get tired of hearing it.

“God, I love you.”

Sami finds him practicing the dance alone in the gym. It’s incredibly hard, since the entire dance is dependent upon both of them, but Micah needs something to do, something that is far away from the squad, and Flynn, and reality – and this dance is just – it’s just a fucking dance, alright?

Sami takes a long look at him, then starts the music over. He’s already in instructor mode, and Micah has never loved him more.

The college student makes him start over again and again and again because Micah is too jerky, and his movements are rough – his sequences are full of acrobatic and aerial stunts, they’re too dangerous for him to be doing them like this. So Sami has him redo the same parts over and over until he does them right.

It gets to the part where Flynn is supposed to knock him into his shoulder rotations, and Micah flies back on cue. Except. He lands too hard on his shoulder, and there’s a mind numbing pain as he lies there. He hears Sami swear, stop the music, and rush over. Micah lays on the ground, frozen in pain, and then…

Tears start falling, and sobs escape Micah’s throat. He doesn’t know if they’re because of the dislocated shoulder, or the broken heart, but he finds himself truly crying for the first time since his dad died.

Sami seems to realize something he doesn’t, because instead of calling an ambulance or getting him to a car, Sami takes a seat next to him, and just sits there while Micah cries and screams in pure agony. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t touch him. He just sits there, staring at the wall in front of him.

Micah appreciates it a lot more than he’ll ever know how to say.

Forrest’s hand brushes over his shoulder, and Micah looks up to see the gleaming-eyed young man smiling down at him. “Grocery shopping time. You in?”

“Don’t let him rope you into it,” Astrid warns, giving Forrest an unimpressed glare. “It’s his turn to do it, and he’s just going to make you carry the bags.”

“Azzy, you are the evilest buzzkill to ever kill.”

Micah just grins and hops up. It’s been a while since he’s been alone with Forrest, and he’s missed it, honestly. “Sure thing.”

“Wait, you’re heading out?” Kian’s voice comes from the kitchen, and Micah freezes up. “I’ll come with. I promised Minnie I’d buy her some more of those Trolli things she liked so much, and I need to go shopping for my mom.”

Forrest’s smile at the moment could light up a whole damn town if he so pleased, and it hurts Micah in a way he doesn’t want to admit to. “Now, it’s a party!”

“Actually, uh.” Micah locks gazes with Amelie, then looks to the ground. “I think I’ll stay behind.”

He doesn’t have to look up to see the two lovers frown. “Why’d you change your mind,” Forrest asks, stepping closer to him.

Amelie, thankfully, comes to his rescue, with a sarcastic, “Yeah, like anyone wants to be left alone with you two in a small space.”

Forrest and Kian get so caught up in bickering with her that they – nor anyone else – notice Micah slipping upstairs to Cyrus’ room.

No one ever really notices him. Sometimes, though, it comes in handy.

When Micah gets out of the ER, he’s surprised to find Flynn, of all people, trying to get past Sami. From where the injured boy is, he can’t hear what they’re saying, but Flynn looks wide eyed and hurried, and Sami is an unmovable wall. “Just let me see him,” he hears as he gets closer.

Sami sighs. “Flynn, I don’t—”

“Micah,” Flynn cries out quietly as he finally sees the younger boy. Then he pauses and looks up to Sami, really asking his permission. Sami looks to Micah; the youngest of the three gulps, looks to Flynn, then back to Sami, and – for some unknown reason – nods. Flynn pushes past Sami, as if he were the thing keeping the brunette out of the doors of Heaven, striding towards Micah like a man possessed.

He slows down when Micah takes an involuntary step back. But he keeps moving, taking slower, more even steps. He wraps his arms carefully around Micah, pulling the chameleon into a hug that gradually gets tighter, until they’re shaking in each other’s arms, and Flynn is whispering apologies to the numb Micah. “I’m sorry.” Sorry you got hurt. “I’m sorry.” Sorry I don’t love you. “I’m so sorry.”

One day, Pohai has a pool party. Micah is one of the first to show up, and he finds himself playing a game of chicken with Forrest, Minnie, and Isaac’s baby sister, Laura. Minnie lets Laura win, and Forrest catches her before she falls into the water. All four of them collapse into a mess of giggles, and Micah is happy for once.

Then, Kian arrives. And he knows when he does, because Forrest’s attention shifts, as if there is a magnetic pull, and he smiles at the sight of his lover. It’s Micah’s cue to leave, and he brushes past an oblivious Kian on his way into the house.

For some reason, he glances back. And he meets Forrest’s eyes, just as the older teen throws him a soft smile and. Fuck.

He knows.

Pippa wins the competition. She stands on stage with Duke, tears streaming down her face, as she gets recognized. Not Kendall. Not even Duke. This is Pippa getting acknowledged for her work, and Micah doesn’t feel the pain of a dislocated shoulder, or even of a broken heart anymore.

He can’t feel anything more than the pride and the love he feels for her.

She finds him in the crowd, smiles brightly at him, and he thinks – maybe this won’t always be bad.

Maybe.

He stops coming around.

It’s one thing for Amelie to know. He trusts Amelie to tell no one, but it’s completely fucking different when Forrest knows.

A few weeks go by with Micah dodging calls from everyone who isn’t Pippa, and he’s sure they all know by now.

Eventually, they stop calling.

Losing the best thing that’s ever happened to him is a gradual experience.

He knows how to deal with the heartbreak because Flynn Court isn’t the first guy he’s fallen in love with.

The first is this bright eyed, kind heart, fun loving, hopelessly devoted kid named Kian Voss.

And Micah spends three of those four years avoiding him like the plague because getting close to someone is what makes you love them. It’s what makes your heart yearn for more, and what keeps you up at night, and what pulls at your heart strings.

Micah lets himself get too close, and forces himself to pull away, perhaps a bit too late.

What he forget was that absence only makes the heart grow fonder.

He’s seventeen now, and even as Kian and Forrest plan their wedding, he notices with a pang that he’s still not over it.

Not even a little bit.

When Flynn finally finds his forever, Micah is there to witness it.

He sees the two of them bump into each other in the cafeteria, their eyes meeting each other for a moment before shy smiles form of their faces. They exchange quiet apologies before they brush past each other. They look back at different times, but they both look back, and Micah knows those looks.

He clenches Pippa’s hand beneath the table, and pretends –

He pretends, once again, that nothing is wrong. Even though there’s not much left in his life that feels right.

( in the end, though, he’s always had her. and that’s the moral of the story, right? the happily ever after? because, well… it’s all he’s got. )

#oocdrabbles #word count: 7657

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